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With massive apologies to L.M. Montgomery. And those who love her.

It seems I forgot the birthday of one of the most important people in my life (no lie) by the name of lynnenne. For that, she gets a heart-warming story of a little red-headed girl named Vinnie, and the local boy that wants to be a doctor and have her/him for a wife, James.





One upon a time there was a sad little orphan girl who everyone mistreated named Vinnie. He worked for the horrid Brewsters for a few years, and they had three sets of twins. Three! Now, that was just too much. Evidently, it was, as Mr. Brewster died. Mrs. Brewster was a hateful old cow who not only parceled out her kids to undeserving relatives, she also blamed her husband's death on poor little orphan Vinnie. This made him even sadder than the saddest of the sad.

One day the lady that ran the orphanage said she was going to live with an old couple on Prince Edward Island, which was very exciting, as Halifax at the time was a shithole and PEI was The Place To Be. So Vinnie packed up her carpet bag with the loose handle, said goodbye to Katie-in-the-Glass, and waited at the trainstop, chattering like a magpie to anyone that would listen to him.

"I'm going to live on Prince Edward Island where people keep their word and friendships last forever!" she happily cried.

A very shy and old man - he's old so we don't have to worry about him doing anything untoward - came to pick her up, but was surprised because he thought he was picking up a boy. Nope, he was picking up Vinnie. She happily chattered to Matthew all the way to his house, Green Gables, until they came to a path lined with cherry trees.

Matthew thought to himself, "Finally, something to shut her up."

After several scrapes and snafus, Vinnie finally got to go to school. Fortunately, Vinnie was smart. I mean sharp as a tack. Her new bosom friend, Diana, whispered to Vinnie that the cutest boy in school was checking her out. Vinnie sat straighter in her chair; she was in school to learn I thank you very much.

"What's his name?" she finally whispered back to Diana.

"James."

"Hmph." Vinnie stuck her pert, freckled nose in the air, ignoring the "psst!"s and "ahem!"s from James.

James was clearly having none of this as he dared to call out, "Hey! Carrots!"

Well. If there was one thing Vinnie Shirley wouldn't stand for, it was mocking her hair color. She jumped to her feet, picked up her slate, and cracked it over James' head. "How dare you!!"

"Vinnie Shirley!" her teacher cried out. He was a simpering fool of a man. "If you like the attention of the boys so much, you can just go sit with them!"

Everyone in class "ooooh!"ed at this horrible and humiliating punishment. Vinnie stood ram-rod stiff, grabbed her things, and sat in the only available seat on the boys' side: the seat right next to James. She refused to acknowledge him.

"I'm sorry, Vinnie." James whispered plaintively, his "sorry" coming out with a long "o" sound, "soory."

"Hmph!"

"I'm really, really soory!"

"I said, Hmph!"

James laid his hand on Vinnie's calico'd shoulder, his thumb working back and forth along a pattern of vines on her apron. "Please. Let me make it up to you."

Vinnie felt a wetness between her legs and a tickling in her tummy. "What's happening to me?" she thought.

James scooted closer to her, the entire length of his leg pressing against hers. His hand slid down her arm and he laced his fingers with hers, bringing their hands under the desk. "I said I'm soory. You're so much prettier than that awful Josie Pye girl. I bet you can kiss better than her, too."

Vinnie bit her lip and rubbed her thighs together.

Just then, the school bell rang and everyone poured out of the one-room schoolhouse, including their teacher. They were all alone.

James ran his hand up Vinnie thigh, rucking up her ankle-length dress, exposing her petticoats. "I bet you're the smartest girl in class."

"Um..." Vinnie bit her full, luscious lip.

James' hand slid under the hem of her dress, the backs of his fingers making slow circles higher and higher up her petticoated thigh. "I bet you're so smart that you know you shouldn't stop what's happening between us."

And Vinnie nodded. After all, she would win the Avery Prize in a few years. She stood, laid face down over the desk, grabbed the chair back in front of that, and let James pull up her skirt and pull down her petticoats. "Call me: The Lady of Shalott."

And then he loved her. In the butt.

James, keening like a banshee as he climaxed, cried out, "The curtains do match the drapes!"

And they were in love for ever and ever. The End.

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
kita0610
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
James' carpets will never match his drapes.

But maybe his curtains will.

You're horrible. Don't ever stop.
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
I kind of like thinking that James Marsters uses Grecian Formula on his pubes, to keep the ladies (and gents) guessing. Is that just me?

:D
kita0610
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:34 am (UTC)
He shaves them off, remember?

TMI, JIMBO. TMI.
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
oh, that's right. He has that special shaver he uses.

...I'm actually surprised he doesn't shave an "M" around his dick.
kita0610
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
Dude.

He might. I'll ask Young Kartheiser next time I see him. *wacka wacka*
southernbangel
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC)
Shaver or his dick? When I first heard the story, I thought he was talking about his dick being a "small, pen-like object." O_o.

My favorite is the beautimous art. Oh wait, no this is: And then he loved her. In the butt.

BWAHAHAHA.


(I hid away today. Phone call from me tomorrow afternoon? Or evening, if that's better for you?)

stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:52 am (UTC)
YES. Call anytime. ILULEE.
lynnenne
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. This is the bestest birthday fic ever.

as Halifax at the time was a shithole and PEI was The Place To Be.

And so it remains to this day.

I love you, Stoney. In the butt. *draws hearts around it*
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:00 am (UTC)
I LOVE YOU LYNNE OF GREEN GABLES. *breaks a slate over your head*

HALIFAX IS FOR DOUCHEBAGS!!
mere_ubu
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
ZOMG, I just spent my day being dragged around the Living History Farms in Des Moines, and, among other things, being quizzed by a schoolmarm in period dress in an 1875 schoolhouse. As I sat there bored out of my skull, I couldn't help thinking that something was missing, and now I know what it was--tales of forbidden passion and butt sex. *snicker* If I could only have read this story before going there, I would have had a much more amusing time sitting at my little twin desk and letting my mind wander.
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
I am almost done with my time machine (made so I can go back and not miss her birthday) so I'll see what I can't do about tweaking your visit. :D
a2zmom
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC)
This obviously happened during the commercial break since I don't quite recall this part.

More's the pity.
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
This was the version that aired on Showtime, I believe. (The Canadian Public Broadcasting System had to edit it for American television.)
marenfic
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:17 am (UTC)
You are so broken. I love you.
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
I bet I love you more! *arm wrestles you*

ILUMAREN.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:10 am (UTC)
<--Jonathan Crombie (what is it with me loving gay dudes?)
Gilbert was my first preteen boyfriend. (I "married" Luke when I was 7 after I saw Star Wars. Yes, I'm a bigamist.) I love those books with the force of a thousand suns.

There is NO Anne/Diana fic out there, which sucks. I've found some Phil/Anne, which is awesome.

And if you can, read LM Montgomery's "Emily" series. (Yes, that's where my kid got her name. *G*)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
Gilbert was my first literary boyfriend. Oh, Jonathan Crombie, why were you so perfect?

And yeah - James does. He's so freaky.
greenstone_j
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:09 am (UTC)
Yes, you deserve much love in the butt for this... brilliant and definitely a very good birthday present for a wonderful person
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha. Best feedback ever! :D
lettered
Jul. 6th, 2008 07:42 am (UTC)
I wish to print it and frame it and draw hearts and smoochy kisses on it.

Thanks ever so; I'm glad germaine_pet was born.
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
You should! Oh, wait. Don't until I finish manipulating a newpicture with Cordy as Marilla, Lorne as Matthew, and Doyle as Diana Barry. (Fred is going to be Josie Pye and Wesley is Mrs. Lynde.)

HEEE. You know what I love about you, Joy? You get why this is fun. And then you'll ooh and ahh with me over the real Anne. <3 As Emily of New Moon would say: You are of the Tribe of Joseph!
kseenaa
Jul. 6th, 2008 12:43 pm (UTC)
Mwahahahahaha!!! And now I want to read Anne of Green Gables... Darn. X-D
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
Remembering all of this from memory made me want to read the whole story over again, too! It's been AGES.

HEE.
semby
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:46 pm (UTC)
Ha! Amazing. This was just what I needed to start off my Sunday!
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
I think it's safe to say that EVERYONE should always start a Sunday off this way. CLeanses the palate. Or something. :D
entrenous88
Jul. 6th, 2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
And then he loved her. In the butt.

*wipes away single perfect tear*
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 10:47 pm (UTC)
I'm so happy that my tale of true love and vegetable-hued hair was able to touch you so profoundly. My gift often humbles me...
entrenous88
Jul. 6th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
Really, it's your gift to us. Thank you for gifting us with your tales of spunky independent sexually promiscuous orphans! In fact, I may create you a community or website right now to encourage you to spread this gift far and wide, like sweet, sweet manure. <3
stoney321
Jul. 6th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC)
And if you did gift me (I do so love that word as a verb - how it changes One's outlook on life, like a rainbow of unicorns falling onto cotton candy dreams...) with such a gift, I would then return the gifting unto you by posting about your gift and gifting my friend's list with your gift, thereby giving myself a gift of good feelings from sharing.

Also, I'd make you a picture of an orphaned Merman with an erection along with an accompanying tale of love and romance. And then nominate myself for an award, and allow you to make me a banner for that.
entrenous88
Jul. 7th, 2008 01:52 pm (UTC)
And then nominate myself for an award, and allow you to make me a banner for that.


You have a gift of generosity of spirit, which I believe would allow you to create an entire set of awards. And of course you would win most of them.
(Deleted comment)
slasheuse
Jul. 7th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
You're broken. You have broken me. All the best stories have buttlove.

*applauds*

(PS hope everything is good with you!)
( 34 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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