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I know I'm all posty McGee here, but holy crap, this stuff is too funny. (I'm all behind on the actual
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Summary, Edward Cullen, the diamondy, sparkly, rainbow making vampire, is a virgin. A 100 year old virgin, so take that. The premise is all the other vamps in his family are boning like monkeys in the house while he seethes (and presses wildflowers.) I laughed and laughed and laughed at this.

You don't have to read the Twilight books to laugh, thank heaven.



( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 20th, 2008 04:36 pm (UTC)
A 100 year old virgin? Where was he living? A deserted island? Are his testicles indigo? Did someone tell him why he has those special dreams that make him sticky?

Man, approximately 87 years of wet-dreams. Or, chafing his dick off. I'd stake myself.
Aug. 20th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
Living in a house with other sexually active vampires (but they're like, married or some mystical shit.)

He is made of marble, so with proper care, his cock *could* last a lifetime. (Think of all the... extra polishing Michelangelo did to David, after all)
Aug. 20th, 2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
Apparently--I think this is from interviews with the author--the reason one of the major plot points in BD could happen is that he hadn't ever, er, polished his marble since becoming a vampire. (And probably not before, Good Moral VampBoy that he is.)
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
I'm about to find out for myself.... The horror of book 4 is nigh!
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
I don't remember it being mentioned, but I read the last three books all in one night. And was kind of reading with my eyes shut by the time I got to the last one. (I am looking forward to your commentary.)
Aug. 20th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
I just realized that I can communicate to you the utterly bunk idea of using Forks as a romantic setting for these books: ever been to Cameron, TX? It's a lot like that, only with man-eating moss and the dangerous rednecks all have chainsaws in the back of their trucks.

And the utter, stinking, racism of using the Quileute as plot devices, from the distance of Arizona... shit, one of the sources of my writer's block was a sudden realization that I myself might be guilty of stealing other people's stories, even though I'd striven against it and was writing from a position of familiarity, if not actual belonging.

Julia, my laugh is an evil laugh
Aug. 20th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
You told me about the Forks setting a while back - what a random location!
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
You know, if these were good books, then using Forks would be an example of "you do not need to set books in an exotic location for them to be exciting or romantic."

These are not good books, though, so mostly, it's just another example of how odd her choices were.
Aug. 20th, 2008 05:47 pm (UTC)
Holy Hell, that's hysterical. I don't even know any of these characters and Edward ranting and knitting and cleaning and scrapbooking and nobody will take him SERIOUSLY or give him THE RESPECT HE DESERVES is making me laugh until I'm crying.
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:14 pm (UTC)
I was HOWLING with laughter about half way through the first post. Good lord, that's some funny shit. I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING WHEN YOU USED ALL MY FEBREEZE BUT YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. Bwah ha ha ha ha!
Aug. 20th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
Oh God. I hate to destroy your illusion of Morgan as being the Perfect Amazing Teenage Girl~~ but she reads this shit. She's on the last book right now. She read me a couple pages of the first book a few years ago & I was all, Oh GOD. Please! STOP! I beg of you!

I'd forgot what the series was about & then she got the last book in the series for graduation from another teenage girl & I made the mistake of asking her, "Now, what's that series about?" when we were driving somewhere & she was reading it & she launched into it all again--WITH QUOTES--and I had to drive the Cougar into a solid cement wall at 90+ to get it out of my head. Okay, not really. But in my head I did.
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
My oldest reads them, too. And he's a BOY. *head desk* They are so,s so terrible. The main character LITERALLY CEASES TO EXIST when her boyfriend - the diamond vamp - leaves her. THERE ARE BLANK PAGES IN THE BOOK.

What the shit is this?
Aug. 20th, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC)
Who's the werewolf guy? Morgan likes the werewolf guy better than the vampire guy. She was all pissed off the other night (but still reading it mind you) because the girl died or something, so I guess that's what she was talking about, the blank pages.

Morgan: This is pissing me off. Who DIES just because a guy leaves them?
Me: Stop reading that crap.
Morgan: No. I have to see what happens.

Edited at 2008-08-20 08:16 pm (UTC)
Aug. 20th, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC)
GASP!! JACOB. He's TOTALLY a date rapist, oh my god, keep an eye on her.
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)

I wondered where the awesome icon came from. That is perfect.

Aug. 20th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
The icon makes laugh every single time, man. Oh, how I love it. AND YOU. Hey, baby!! *smooches yer neck meat*
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
I can't belive you are making fun of him. Just look at him, patiently waiting for the perfect girl to show up, while in the mantime his poor little willie keeps sparkling in the sunlight.
Aug. 20th, 2008 06:16 pm (UTC)
"His manhood shone like his soul.

...if he had one.

A soul, that is, not manhood. He was fairly dripping with that."

Expect loads of that and more next week. WHEEEE!
Aug. 20th, 2008 07:10 pm (UTC)
oxymoronassoc: WITH A TOOTHBRUSH
saint_renegade: he's like hardcore with it too
oxymoronassoc: like microscopic grit
saint_renegade: DISGUSTING
oxymoronassoc: i bet he did bella's bathroom too
oxymoronassoc: when he got tired of watching her sleep

Even though I haven't read these books - except for those few pages of the first book I browsed in Target - and have no plans to, I want you to know that *this*? Above? Is now MY Edward. My canon Edward on his knees scrubbing and scrubbing with his little toothbrush.

*giggles like bad!fic Giles*
Aug. 20th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha at your last bit in the asterisks, hahahaha.

And the funny thing? IT KIND OF IS CANON EDWARD!!! That's the sheer brilliance of it! Bwah ha!!
Aug. 20th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
So that is where your icon comes from! It's... scarily perfect.

And if you want to explain to people what Twilight is, then I can't think of anything better or more concise than this.

(Presuming you've not come across it already... )
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
HEEEE. Isn't that so funny?? It's totally my canon now.

HAHAH to that link! That's awesome. (Never worry about linking me to stuff. I'm woefully behind on everything!)
Aug. 21st, 2008 09:22 am (UTC)
I shall link you to some quality wank then!

If all the fans are like this woman, it explains a LOT. My 9 year old can write - and spell - better thank that! (Although she - the fan - invents one of the best words I've ever come across. *g*) Speaking of 9 y.o. she's also getting increasingly *emotional* over everything. ::deep sigh::

Edited at 2008-08-21 09:22 am (UTC)
Aug. 20th, 2008 10:48 pm (UTC)
I know nothing of them and looked them up on Amazon. Had a laugh when I found this line in the description for #2:
Mourning his departure, she slips into a downward spiral of depression that penetrates and lingers over her every step. Vampire fans will appreciate the subsequently dour mood that permeates the novel
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
*gags* Yeah, that's what it's like. Dour. But unfortunately, it's not cool like a Southern Gothic of something. Just... painful.
Aug. 20th, 2008 10:50 pm (UTC)
I am a woman of leisure (for the moment). Which means I can now read all the badf!c and related awesomeness with impunity!

I'm gonna go get some oxygen now. BRB.

Aug. 21st, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
Why hello there, Leisure Lady! I'm very excited about this stretch of time on your hands!

HAHAHAHA, isn't thta graphic MAJESTIC?
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:17 am (UTC)
Oh, Laura, thank you so much for this. I've been spending hours every day dealing with a very elderly dog who seems to be heading for that great doggy place in the sky, and feeling all morose and sad. My 14 year old niece is reading these books, so I started reading them this past weekend. Mockage is very much needed and I nearly peed my pants reading this exchange. Priceless. Where would one begin with this series? Vampires who sparkle and don't sleep, whose eyes turn the same shade of light brown when they "eat" vegetarian? WTF? Trying to explain the premise of these books to anyone who asks what I am currently reading is embarrassing.
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:30 am (UTC)
And how is Edward able to speak like a social climbing Brit half the time? He was from a poor(ish) US family that worked for their living, but he speaks with a hint of nobility. (Because SMeyers read Wuthering Heights too many times and tries to ape the language.)

GAAAAAH, the message is so horrible!!! They aren't in love, their strangely obsessed with one another. GAH.

Also, HUGS to you and your poor pup. *strokes your dog gently* Sweet blue guy. <3
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:59 am (UTC)
I know nothing of Twilight, but based on the conversation in the link, I think I love this Emmett person.
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:07 am (UTC)
Lol, that actually really bothered me as I read the books. And I like the books! It just seemed totally unbelievable, lol, even amongst all the unbelieveableness(is that a word?) of the books. I was like, oh come on! Thats not an obvious message *at alll* But yeah, lol, anyway... I guess this had no real point, :D
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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