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More Bad!Fic.. Wait. Make that GREAT!Fic.

This author is my new crack. And while I wait for updates to Sunday Morning Coming Down I like to fill the blank spaces with Bad(GREAT!)Fic. It's my fic-sorbet. And so?
From the Current Tale of Woe, No Need For Names

  • "I need other stimuants besides your gorgeous penis." There's your finger, the thing you do with your tongue, and wait. Did I just say your penis was GORGEOUS? No offense, but it's all purply and shiny and hangy-down. INTRIGUING, maybe, but not gorgeous.

  • "The place had it's warnings. Before entering the lower level, there would be signs posted that would say leave moral issues or anything of such nature at the door, giving everyone a choice." It's like she's talking about this story, isn't it?

  • "Well, I'm fucking you so I guess that makes you a freak too." Oh, you! You and your sweet talk. Now egress down my throat.

  • "Claiming Elizabeth as her pillow queen." I dub thee: Sir Lady Pillow Queen of the NotReadyfortheBigTime Fictitious Characters. Arise!

  • "Her cum had run down the insides of her thighs like warm soup." Because "soup" is the OBVIOUS descriptor for excitement. Try our newest flavor, Cream of Cum! *brought to you by the Campbells Soup: Soup is Exciting! Campaign*

  • "'What is it?' 'Ecstasy. Don't drink any alcohol.' Faith then gives Buffy water to drink." Looks like SOMEONE took Sue's advice and watched the Ecstasy episode of 90210. Or Dawson's Creek, most likely. Way to go, Jen!

  • "They walked down three flights of STARES." Ow! Fuck! Quit it! My eyes!!! Xander? Gah!! Georgia! Georgia... D'oh! What the-OWWW!! Hey! Make it stop!! SHeee! Ow!

  • "Faith watered the blonde's chest with her tongue." After adding Miracle GrowTM to the water, Buffy grew a luxuriant bush of chest hair, setting off her breasts nicely.

And from a new discovery, Member's Only

  • "He awarded her with his cock, buried deep inside like a rare pearl." Considering that pearls are made from sand irritating the lining of a clam, while funkily appropriate, this is NOT a pleasant analogy.

  • "Dripping from the pages of her mind." Aww! I wrote something like this when I was in 8th grade. And had a mohawk and wore Doc Maartens and thought the world was out to get me. Then I grew the hell up and threw those notebooks away.

  • "Soiled, sweaty sheets." HAWT. Have I just discovered an Oscar the Grouch kink? I believe I have!

  • "Pleasure feasted on by their senses, seasoned by salty sweat, dead semen, and borrowed blood." And just a hint of cumin. Maybe dead semen comes from the Ethnic grocery store? Is it Mediterranean? *knock knock* 'Hi, Mr. Jenkins. I've run out and was hoping I could have a cup of blood? No, AB is just fine.'

  • "The flavor of their skins a delicacy to the other, an acquired taste." And they both decided that it would be best paired with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Ffff-fff-fff-fff-fff-fff.

  • "Calm whispers, dangerous confession, and silent exchanges make bad seem so good." Calm whispers: I see bad!fic. Dangerous confessions: I can't stop reading it. Silent Exchanges: You are constantly reading it..... SHE KNOWS WE'RE HERE!!!!

  • "They answer each other's mating call of the wild..." Mating call of the wild bunch of bananas foster care for you so much. I think I'm getting the hang of this... Isn't this a category on Wheel of Fortune?

  • "They rock together like a swing suspended in midair touching, feeling, and satisfying a hunger with resigned acceptance. 'Mine.' 'Yours.'" NO SHE DI-INT! dovil! crazydiamondsue!! She's copying us!!

  • "Like a dog whistle silent and calling to bitches in heat." Like a duck call, making that farting noise and reminding them to fan the bedclothes (the soiled, sweaty ones) discreetly. Preferably when the other's eyes were closed and they were rocking back and forth like a pendulum, but a really big one that takes a while, in order to give them enough time to fan those sheets. While making a silent DOG WHISTLE sound of love.

And the coup de grace...
  • "Death to those who speak about it departing on a one-way ticket to hell. The signs are all there, NO ONE ALLOWED WITHOUT PERMISSION, NO ACCESS GRANTED BEYOND THIS POINT, MEMBERS ONLY." Jacket. Or this sign: Danger: Bad!Fic writer at work. Personally, I think the sexiest sign in existence is STOP.


( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:16 am (UTC)
Re: roflmao!!
I live to giggle.

*puts sand in you, hoping for a rare pearl*
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:18 am (UTC)
[cries with laughter]

I don't know how she's still writing this drivel, but a small, sick part of me is really glad that she is!

May I take this opportunity to formally congratulate you on another round of excellent mocking...? [bows]
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:22 am (UTC)
Tee hee! I'm afraid I am pissing off some of my foreign flist members (not you, Mari!), but I. Can't. Help. Myself. Must poke fun!!

I don't want her to stop. I love the hell out of her stories. I get nervous when I see her getting flamed at SpuffyRealm or AFFN. Stop!! You'll scare my little bunny away!!

Formal congratulations? Can I be claimed as your Mock Queen? And get a sceptre?
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:29 am (UTC)
You are so my Mock Queen! [hands over crown, sceptre and comfy throne, bowing reverently]

And somehow I don't think that there's any stopping this one, flames be damned. I think she's firmly in the camp of 'You're all jealous bitches because of my talent and I shall keep writing to prove to you all that your words will not deprive my fawning fans of their Spuffy'!

Well, here's hoping anyway... [crosses fingers]
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:37 am (UTC)
Bwah ha ha!! "Jealous bitches because of my talent..." Yes. *nods* That is why we mock. Because secretly we want what you have, m'dear.

I'm happy with my Wee!Spike and LHotP slash fic, thank you. *ahem*
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:31 am (UTC)
I did some Bad(great)!Fic MadLibs a few posts ago, and jokingly used [horribly inappropriate fishing analogy] and there she goes: validating the jokes again.

My avid viewer and sing-alonger is three, as of August. Boobah reminds me of my trippy college days, so I can endure it. Pup named Scooby Doo? Makes me want to itch my skin off and slip it into bags and send to the producers. You know: as a token of my deep, smelly love.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:33 am (UTC)
Sue, I swear to god I had moments of, "Nah... She's putting me on. She knows about us," while reading.

I think she is just REALLY bad, but tries REALLY hard. And so I mock.

And soup? I'm just glad she didn't say chowder.

(More SUNDAY!! I know you're working on it...)
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:32 am (UTC)

*makes unidentifiable sounds while trying not to burst into laughter, causing members of office to look at me like I've just egressed*
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:35 am (UTC)
Did you egress into your lap, where it pooled like an ocean? What IS it with her and salty sea analogies???

I'll try to put "Warning: Members Only" love signs up to let you know what to expect there at the office. Am I the ONLY one who can't see "Members Only" without immediately following it with "jacket?"
Oct. 26th, 2004 11:32 am (UTC)
Boobah! Nooooo! *hides*
'Mine.' 'Yours.'

Now that is sexy dialogue. It's so simple. I really want to write like this person. It's all so bad. Thank a deity for badfic writers.
Oct. 26th, 2004 01:34 pm (UTC)
Re: Boobah! Nooooo! *hides*
Frecking HAWT, she is.

Go back a few posts here and fill out the MadLibs! I wanna see yours!
Oct. 26th, 2004 01:13 pm (UTC)
You rock like a swing suspended in midair. I'd give you an award, but I'm unfortunately out of cocks.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2004 01:37 pm (UTC)
Girl, I expect you to troll ALL of my comments. And spank me on occassion, but I guess we don't need to get into that here, right?

I get happy seeing the purple, no indigo, wait... VIOLET rodents too.

(in Mr. Slave voice) Jesus Christ.
Oct. 26th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
Is that swing on a pole or a tree? It helps when people REALLY paint a picture for me. Like oceans pooling between your legs, my fertile flow (with it's extra salty goodness) will season our time together.

Cocks in and of themselves are their OWN reward.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 26th, 2004 03:15 pm (UTC)
Hey!! That's my little sis! (who is taller than me, BTW)
Yes. The pretty hairdo on me was to keep Jerry from looking at me twice. "If I shave my head in the back and cut letters out on the sides and grow my bangs long and wear black eyeshadow up to my eyebrows... I cease to be attractive!"
Oct. 26th, 2004 06:18 pm (UTC)
Ok, first...MY LINK WON'T WORK!!! Some asshole on my server has blocked aff.net! Some 403 error or something! Is there another site? Can I find another way to get to this story? It's like crack...I need to read more!


"The place had it's warnings. Before entering the lower level, there would be signs posted that would say leave moral issues or anything of such nature at the door, giving everyone a choice."

There would be signs posted...like...there's not signs posted at the moment?

You're right! It is the story!

"Her cum had run down the insides of her thighs like warm soup."

It's...it's like she saw your icon or something...or like she decided it was your birthday...

"The flavor of their skins a delicacy to the other, an acquired taste." And they both decided that it would be best paired with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Ffff-fff-fff-fff-fff-fff.

*snicker* I've never seen the Hannible thing written down...gotta say, I was also thinking Goldmember...*shudder*

I will live vicariously through your ability to read it until whoever the stick-up-ass-poking-brain person is who blocked my ability to get more bad!fic!!!
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:37 pm (UTC)
GAH!! I've been downloading the movie of all files all day and my PC has been HOSED!! I would have sent you to the bad(great)!fic sooner. I swear to god, I think she may be onto me... On me like skin on a cold chicken ready to come off and be cooked. hot and steamy and spicy. Like marjoram.

I had no idea how to spell *wind being creepily sucked in through teeth.*
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:43 pm (UTC)
cold chicken? Oh. Baby. Look at that, I just egressed.

Hey, I think you spelled *wind being creepily sucked through teeth* perfectly. It goes so well with the "Earning His Red Wings" story...oops, there's that gag reflex again...
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:07 pm (UTC)
Cherry tomoato with that cold chicken?

*looks at puke pooling between thighs... MAKE IT STOP!!!!*
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:10 pm (UTC)
Oooh...puke! That is the HOTTEST! PUKE! *g*
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:01 pm (UTC)
Squeeeee! I managed to get onto SpuffyRealm!

So...Faith has been lusting after "Elizabeth" since college, gets all sly when Buffy mentions that college party, constantly hits on her, kisses her at work, feels the need to spontaniously run to the bathroom and masturbate until soupy leakings positively stream down her legs (wtf?) and Buffy still hasn't figured out her friend has a thing for her???

"Something that will make you feel real good."

"That's okay. I have William for that."

*haaaaak* 'scuse me, something in my throat...so Buffy trades off her personality when she starts having liquidy sex?

searching for the blonde's cum button

Wow! What a handy feature! Does it come standard?

*sigh* Now I just gotta wait for the next update and for you to mock the GREAT!fic...
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:39 pm (UTC)
As to the cum button... I'm still on manual. Older model and all...

And for the record, Buffy has ALWAYS had liquidy sex. Hence the Gatorade and Astroglide. She is just able to enjoy the lack of beautiful, gorgeous penises due to the ILLEGAL DRUG she willingly took.

I think "Members Only" is the most poetic, special thing I ever read. Like, special enough for the short bus.
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:47 pm (UTC)
re the ILLEGAL DRUG...it takes an HOUR for extasy to work! An HOUR! Not a 5 second stroll down the stairs! It's called a digestive tract, not spontanious absorbtion through the esophagus...oooh...*wonders how author could work esophagus into the story*

Members only was all philosophical...like...it was so deep I was thinking, yeah...this IS Spuffy. And I was so deep in thought I peed enough for it to resemble an ocean. Between my legs.

Shame about that older modle thing...automatic cum button is the wave of the future!

Oct. 26th, 2004 09:09 pm (UTC)
I mean, it's not like Faith gave her liquid meth or anything. 'Cause THAT shit'll... I mean, (Mr Mackey voice) drugs are bad, mm'kay?

You know, I think them youngin's will regret having that cum button workin' so fast. Manuals you gotta... I'm sorry. I'll stop right now.

Plus? I just read the BEST THING EVER from her. I seriously jumped out out of my chair and threw my head back with laughter. It is getting its own icon and a special post.
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:14 pm (UTC)
Oh god! I'm so excited! BEST THING EVER? You have read the best thing ever from her!
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:51 pm (UTC)
And not only that? Sue posted a comment in Dovil's journal and used "soupy" as an adjective in a sentence.

It's official: soupy (soo - pee) adj., 1) hot and ready for sex, 2) horny ANT: vaginal dryness
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:59 pm (UTC)
OMG!!!!!!1 It's better then wet cause it implies this thickness you don't get with wet and just looking at a can of split pea with ham makes me want to egress. all. over.
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:34 pm (UTC)
Jesus. You keep sweet talking to me like that and I'll let you seat your cock in my audience. For the Friday night performance. Awww yeah.
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:36 pm (UTC)
I' love to...only I have no cock! Maybe it can be more like the hawt Fuffy lesbian love scene...with oceans...and...could there be a toad?
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
And instant ecstasy! WIth a shamrock on it! (Someone is Mary Sueing...)
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:40 pm (UTC)
Oooh...hook me up with that instant-E! Now, for a limited time you can bypass your digestive tract and get straight to the hornyness!

I almost forgot! We need a fat man and a buffet for the night to be complete!
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:34 pm (UTC)
She has to be reading this. She KNOWS, dammit. The soup thing, she so bit that from you!

So... ecstasy is good for you as long as alcohol is not imbibed. Good to know.

Confidential to Bad!fic writer: We know you're reading all this. We would like you to know that schlongs are not pretty. Period.
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:41 pm (UTC)
Vinnie!! Did you NOT watch Dawson's Creek? Why do you think everyone hated Jen? Again? 90210? Kelly? TV has been trying to teach you how to take your illegal drugs safely since the early 90s.

I swear to god, I think she may be reading this. That being said, she's consistent in her analogies. Food is huge, and the "Cream of Cum" icon came from a line of her fic. Just sayin'.
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:48 pm (UTC)
Shh.. don't tell anyone but I watched Dawson's Creek re-runs for 2 months straight last year. Andie took her X incorrectly, but Jen knew her shit. Jen was the scapegoat! The 90210 one is vague. What? I was young, leave me alone.

Methinks I'll be changing my green bean casserole recipe this Thanksgiving. Cream of Mushroom is so passe.

Oct. 26th, 2004 09:11 pm (UTC)
What will be interesting is to see who REALLY enjoys the green bean casserole this year.

That is wrong. And I KNOW about Jen, right? But I hate whatshername because she got to make out with Chloe Sevingey in the HBO special and she looked all dykey and hot. Not that I'm into that...

*hides all of her pretty-faced butch female pics*
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:51 pm (UTC)
yup, drugs are eeeeeVIL. And drugs and alcohol? eeeeVILer! Drugs and water? Less eeeeVIL, but still eeeeVIL enough! This story is a message! It shows where the path of vice leads!
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:17 pm (UTC)
Your writer beats my writer hands down. And I never thought I would be able to say that. *look on in awe, laughs a little through the tears*
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:33 pm (UTC)
Dear Lady Twat Soupy McGroin of the CrotchPelt,
Did you see the previous posts where "cream of cum," "egressed down her throat," and "SPike wanted to climb up inside of her" are listed? Holy shit on a shingle (cue: heavenly light and choir).

I say this with all honesty: there isn't much in this world that can top ass-birth of a blood sucking infant to two vamps and the child is then named Marissa. *shakes head in delight and woe*
Oct. 26th, 2004 10:42 pm (UTC)
Re: Dear Lady Twat Soupy McGroin of the CrotchPelt,
We need to get them together and have them collaborate! Oh, dear god, it would be brilliant. I'm laughing thinking about it.
Oct. 26th, 2004 11:14 pm (UTC)
good God, where do you find this stuff? I'd really like to play, but my brain is too mushy for even easy targets right now. I've been looking at pictures of Alexis Denisof & Nathan Fillion from the High Stakes party and it made my mind all mushy. they is purty men.
Oct. 28th, 2004 05:39 am (UTC)
I am now addicted to No Need for Names, I check for updates almost every day. And it was updated again last night.
Oct. 28th, 2004 05:53 am (UTC)
hearing that makes me want to water your chest. do0d! I know. This last update (13) was just regular crap. Not the spectacular chromed-out, leather appointed crap of old.
Oct. 28th, 2004 05:59 am (UTC)
Chapter 13 was boring, I was disappointed. I just hope they update soon. I need a good laugh.
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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