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And the funny just keeps on coming...

Ah, gentle readers, will the laughing never end? I hope not. My most favoritest writer in all the land has given me more. And can I say right now that I jumped up from my desk and pointed at the screen and cackled? Let that be fair warning, winterlive. kumi: this laugh is for you, hun. Feel better.


  • "He blessed her with his cock." In nomine patre y sante y bonita pee pee.

  • "Sex with Spike was indescibably intense, erotic, and dangerous. " It was also indescribably hot and lust-filled and sweaty. And indescribably smelly and soup-making and indescribably descriptive.

  • "His cock was her own personal vibrator and she loved her vibrator." Don't you get a vibrator because you don't have a man? Or your man doesn't know what he is doing? Huh. Still trying to figure out all the vibrator reference when she is talking about Spike.

  • "Buffy wondered if there was such a thing as too much sex. {no} She knew she had fucked Spike at least a hundred times. Not satisfied with that number she decided to do the math. They have been fucking for about three months. She visited him four times a week, excluding Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which was reserved for Riley, and they averaged three times a day. By her calculations, they have had sex 624 times, which convinced Buffy she was a nymphomaniac." Whew. I can't begin to tell you how wrong this is. Point 1: pick a fucking verb tense. Point 2: Buffy is a dumb slut. Wait! The author is. Obviously she failed word problems in school. I, however, did not. Lemme 'splain: 3x daily, 4 days a week is 3 x 4 = 12. For three months, averaged to 12 weeks: 12x a week by 12 weeks is 12 x 12 = 144. Granted, she is still needing to buy GatoradeTM by the gross, but 624?? I have no idea how she got to that. Maybe if they were doing it 13x... 13 x 4 x 12 = 624. Okay. 13 times a day is serious nympho-zone. (Right into... the nympho-zone! You'll never watch TopGun in the same way...) AND MATH IS HAWT!!!

  • "'Ride me Slaahhhh!' The way he said Slayer made Buffy hot." I swear to god, I cut and pasted that. Because drooling no-bottom-jaw having sex partners would get ANYONE hot. Is he being choked? The story IS called Strangled Passions...

  • "His cock wept with need." EWWW. When is that EVER sexy? Oh, right. Never!

  • "She...let the insides of her meaty lips work his dick." That makes me feel all girly and thin. And that my name is Al and I drive an 18 wheeler.

  • "His hands felt like a silk scarf around her neck." Which was odd because the silk scarf around her neck felt like his hands...

  • "She felt her orgasm approaching as her muscles snapped at his dick like a pissed off aligator."



AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! I swear to god, you couldn't make this shit up. Pissed off aligator. Crikey! She's mad now! Idn't she byoo 'efull? GORGEOUS.

Comments

( 45 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:38 am (UTC)
Did you do the sex math? Next time you are feeling someone egress in your audience, don't forget to carry the one. Oh, yeah.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:39 am (UTC)
Re: Michael Jackson
Because you are uninitiated in the world of joss: 1: Angelus, 2: 28 Days Later (yipes!!) 3: Dracula (Bram Stoker) 4: Maggie Walsh, the evil Psych 101 professor, 5: Serpent and the Rainbow 6: SATAN.
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:40 am (UTC)
"He blessed her with his cock." In nomine patre y sante y bonita pee pee.

Tee hee hee...

"She felt her orgasm approaching as her muscles snapped at his dick like a pissed off aligator."

No way...she didn't? But of course she did...must find story immediately...

But see, we already knew she was crap at math since she decided that 5 seconds=1 hour.

And more vigina-meat references! OMG!!!!1 I'm about to pop like i would if I were licking the Pope's ring...
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:44 am (UTC)
See, I thought my Latin was right... :-)

I laughed so hard at the aligator... Well, from that we know she's from the westerna nd northern hemispheres. (No crocodiles)

Instead of meat lips, I prefer to call them ham flaps. Oh, shit, I just egressed all over my chair so that it resembles an ocean.
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:44 am (UTC)
In "Cheating on Riley, Again" I bring you this gem...

The longer she stayed away from him the more she could resist the calling of his cock.

Too many ways to mock...can't single out one...*clutches head* snark overload...

The call of the one-eyed trouser snake is distinctive. It can lure many an unsuspecting victim with it's silent, yet visibly weepy, cry. Signs that you have been effected: soupyness, ability to think of cocks as beautiful, belief that toads are sexyally exciting...
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:57 am (UTC)
okay, at first you had me. I totally thought she had written the cry of the one-eyed trouser snake. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

The call is more high a high-pitched squeal followed by an abrupt hissing sound and a thud.
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:13 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah! I CAN duplicate the skills of an artist...

Btw, all spellign errors in my posts are...er...an attempt at verisimilitude (big word to take your mind off of the fact that I misspelled 'sexually' and 'Cheating'...)
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:16 pm (UTC)
I was so absorbed (by cotton ball lips) in the snakelike movements of the trouser critter (it's hypnotising me...) that I didn't notice.

You have the skills of an artist, Dagron!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:58 am (UTC)
Yay! The Steve Irwin voice came through... I want EVERYONE to suffer with me. Hee!

Don't forget to carry the one next time you seat Mr. Anelith in your audience!
hellziggy
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:55 am (UTC)
Love the icon! Michael Jackson is a nice touch. It shows how old I am that I remember him as a talented black man that doesn't molest children, doesn't it?
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:00 pm (UTC)
I remember the "Ben" and "I wanna rock with you" *clap!* black man days...

I'm working on a Thriller Icon. Because I have waaaay too much time on my hands.
(Deleted comment)
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:14 pm (UTC)
Yay! Using the marshie icon I found!
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:17 pm (UTC)
Ask and ye shall receive... *cough!*

Musta got a toenail stuck in my throat!

Paynbow made it and it's snagable!
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:20 pm (UTC)
heh...er...when you say "made" you may want to replace that with "gratuitously stole"...heh...
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:22 pm (UTC)
Tomato, tamahtoe...
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:08 pm (UTC)
In math we perform functions. This follows (according to the problem presented us) as such:
F(x,y) = xcubed + ysquared - 6xy + 9x + 5y + 2
Where F= function, x= Buffy, y= Spike, xcubed = # of fucks per day, ysquared = Riley is lame variable, 6xy is the number of times Spike egresses, 9x stands for gallons of GatoradeTM, 5y=fishery references, and 2 is how many it takes to tango.

Fx = xsquared - 6y + 9
Fy = 2y - 6x + 5
which follows that F has a saddle point of 624.
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:38 am (UTC)
Hmmm...carry the one, add x for horniness factor...3y divided by soupyness...

624? C'mon...it's gotta be 624...
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:09 pm (UTC)
See above. Mathematically she is RIGHT!!! In crazy math land, that is.
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:37 am (UTC)
Gotta add another comment...I'm reading her "Ceating on Riley" series, which is the prequel to Strangled Passion (what can I say...even with bad!fic I'm a chronological purist...) only it appears that there is no time line to this story...the first one is during Fool For Love, but the secon on has Forrest, walking and talking and NOT DEAD!! I'm so confused o_O

Also...LOVE the icon...scariest part? Definately Michael Jackson...
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:10 pm (UTC)
I will take the time later to read every word she has committed to page. Be it electronic paper or not, she is my HERO.

I heart aligators.
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:16 pm (UTC)
She uses more then one alligator reference...and there's another 'come-fuck-me' outfit section...this time I think it's a skirt. Oh! And apparently Spike is just a bick dick with personality...
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:18 pm (UTC)
Dammit!! Stupid Thriller file calling me more strongly than Bad(great)!fic... Must... make... wallpaper...
paynbow
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:22 pm (UTC)
The third story in the series is called "Cock Calling"...and you know what? It calls to you...read me stoney...READ ME!
phfeenikz
Oct. 27th, 2004 11:54 am (UTC)
Pissed off alligator? I cannot, under any circumstance think of an alligator knawing on my manhood as a pleasurable experience. Doesn't she know? Teeth are bad for the penis, they hurt the penis, ouch!
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 12:12 pm (UTC)
I swear to god, this chick is a GOLD MINE. I don't have a dick, and I know that aligators and cocks don't mix. Unless you are throwing one over the side of a boat to another and filming it. Then it's AWESOME!! Have you read any of the other mockumentaries?? It's my new crack. Guess that means I need to quit the old crack....
vic_amy_z
Oct. 27th, 2004 01:41 pm (UTC)
This writer's work is truly indescibable... And yet, like a bad car wreck, I still can't bring myself to look away!

I recced this too a true Spuffy fan, and she almost died - The fanbase grows daily as we spread the bad!fic love... [g]
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC)
Remember: it's Bad(great)!fic. Like cold french fries: you just can't help yourself....
violethamster
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:05 pm (UTC)
I love your icon. Does that make me a necrophiliac? I guess I should be thankful to this wonderful writer you've found for putting me right off sex for the rest of my life.

I have included a proof of the logic of my being put off sex for the rest of my life:

[(Buffy wondered if there was such a thing as too much sex) ^ (sex != 624) -> (too much sex)]

Therefore, {no} is false.

Although, I must say, that episode of the Crocodile Hunter where Steve Irwin wrestles the one-eyed trouser snake while holding baby Connor? Best ever.
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:10 pm (UTC)
Meatwad!!! That in no way implies that I am visualizing meaty lips.

I think you are a necro-nympho-philiac. I just watched a vid parodying the Count on Sesame Street, and I've decided that it is exactly what Spike is. Yay!
chantal87
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:50 pm (UTC)
Doin' the math
Oh christ on a crutch! You freakin' kill me. The whole math quote reminded me of The Jerk

Navin R. Johnson : I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

I will love this fic for the rest of my life.
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:56 pm (UTC)
Doin' the math ALL. NITE. LONGdivision
I love you more each day. DO you know how happy that icon makes me? Steve Martin is on my "celebrities I get to screw" list. Funny men are sexy. And so are chicks who work math into fic. And get it horribly wrong.

"And I have this terrific new girlfriend and she has a tatoo on her inner thigh that says 'slippery when wet....'"
cityphonelines
Oct. 27th, 2004 06:40 pm (UTC)
This chick? Has talent! I'm talkin' mad skillz here.

"She...let the insides of her meaty lips work his dick."
Just ewww...

So wait, she has mulitiple stories, I thought it was just one or two. I bow before her muse. Then I kicked it in the shins. Note the misuse of tenses... it's an homage.
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 06:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, if you need a breather, you have to check out her other fics. Cock Calling, part one AND two... Strangled Passion... Earning his Red Wings is AMAZING. Just... wow.

I like to see her as the yardstick by which I measure myself. And I'm coming out a country mile. :-)
cityphonelines
Oct. 27th, 2004 06:58 pm (UTC)
Earning his Red Wings?!?!?

So, very, very afraid of that. And as soon as Lost is over, I'm gonna read your Lost ficlette. Tried to read it but I couldn't concentrate on both, it got confusing.
kumi
Oct. 27th, 2004 09:23 pm (UTC)
::smile::

::grins::

Hahahahaha! I so needed this :D I *heart* ya!

::HUGS & KISSES::
stoney321
Oct. 27th, 2004 09:37 pm (UTC)
heart you, too!!

*squeeze you tight*

(Been thinking about you and your family. Sending thoughts of lov and encouragement your way...)
ponders_life
Oct. 30th, 2004 10:31 am (UTC)
Hi! I'm here because you were mentioned in secondverse's journal. I'm stuck working overtime today, and read this post during lunch break (thankfully after I finished eating, because I probably would have choked, and there's nobody here today to administer the Heimlich maneuver... but if my officemates were here, I'd solidify my reputation as the office loon, so it's just as well).

Anyway, just wanted to thank you for the humor therapy -- I'm in a MUCH better mood than I was this morning!

Also, I'm friending you (I don't expect you to reciprocate, but you might appreciate my tribute to fanfic writers.
stoney321
Oct. 30th, 2004 12:24 pm (UTC)
Hey! Welcome aboard. I'm glad that I can provide some entertainment on your OT day. i just finished organizing my memories, so if you haven't already, you can go back and read the five other bad(greaat!)fic entries.

You'll come for the bad!fic, but you'll stay for the wee!spike. :-)

I read your terrific fanfic tribute. Aren't you just the coolest?

(friending you back!)
beadattitude
Nov. 5th, 2004 01:37 pm (UTC)
::gasping for breath:: When I got to the alligator one I screamed and did the jump up and point thing, then doubled over, howling and fighting for breath.

DUDE that is some baaaad fic.
emella
Mar. 1st, 2006 06:21 am (UTC)
OMG OMG This is totally the funniest one EVER!

So I lied, I hadn't read them all, and this one, oh man, this is SO funny. I nearly choked laughing.

Favorites:
Number 4 (too long to paste)

'Ride me Slaahhhh!' The way he said Slayer made Buffy hot."

"She felt her orgasm approaching as her muscles snapped at his dick like a pissed off aligator."


SO great!
( 45 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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