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Okay, I keep meaning to post this, but I'm running ninety-miles a minute. So, the weekend before Halloween was a film festival in Hollywood, and Blood on the Highway was a feature. (New readers: this is a horror movie I'm in, with cameos by Nicholas Brendon and Tom Towles. It's hilarious and offensive.) I didn't go to this one, but my bro-in-law, the screenwriter and actor in the movie went and met a woman that is the production designer on True Blood.

He asked her what the hell was that hot mess. She shrugged and rolled her eyes and said something to the effect of, "It's a series of inside jokes between me and Alan Ball, now." The mask that Jason wears to dance on film for Lafayette? That was her Halloween costume, so they went with it. And the most shocking thing she said??

THAT WAS A REAL, STORE BOUGHT PECAN PIE. I did the Elaine shove, "GET OUT!" It appears that in the swamps of Florida, where the show is filmed, that's what passes for pie in the frozen section of the Publix grocery store. Gross.

She didn't out and out say it, but she pretty much hinted that she thinks it's sh*t, too. At least I'm not losing my mind... That show is just the most head-scratching piece of wtfery I've ever seen. And I swear to the god of your choice, if I hear Tara or her mama say "I gots a day-mon in me" one more time, I might have to shoot something.

After reading over on fan_wank that RPatz (Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and soon to be Edward in the new Twilight movie) is absolutely crapping all over the story, and has called out SMeyers on her Mary Sue of a Bella:

"I was convinced... that Stephenie was convinced... that she was Bella... and it was like a book that wasn't supposed to be published. And you're reading like, her sort of sexual fantasy. [...] I was like, This woman is mad. She's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And sometimes you'd like feel uncomfortable reading this thing. [...] It's kind of... like a sick pleasure."


I love him. That is AWESOME! And I'm not even going to lie: I am going to see that movie, but I plan on laughing very loudly and mocking it. Because are you kidding me?!? I have a STRONG NEED to re-write True Blood dialogue in a Twilight-esque fashion.



****

"I gots a day-mon in me...." Tara whispered, undone by the beauty that was Sam, the shape shifter. "Sure, sure," Sam crooned, then forced a kiss upon her. His soft, magisterial hair belied the strength in his lips. It belied it.

***

Sookie, barely able to stand on two feet without a harness, blinked multiple times. Could this be real? Could this be happening? The solid, cold, white, pearly, hard, perfect man before her was... a vampire.

"Say it," Bill whispered, sending chills up her arms.

"I..."

"Say it!" Bill said with force and a hint of chagrin.

"I... cannot act, nor do I know how to stand properly on mah two laigs."

Bill's face broke into a smile, then, and the effect was magnificent. It was as if the sun broke through a cloudy day, as if two unicorns came charging across a field of wildflowers, as if the Lord Himself appeared before the masses, crying, "I am He and thou shalt worship Me."

"Bill?"

Bill smiled, tucking a loose strand behind Sookie's ear with clever fingers. "Yes?"

"I really am the most unlahkable person ever, I cain't stand up without falling over, I'm sour, I'm dour, and I'm convinced every boy in the world loves me."

Bill chuckled, and it was the sound of water rushing over well-worn river rocks in a quiet brook, set within a glen filled with tender animals and splashes of color set upon flowers strewn about the glade, bees and butterflies humming in the sultry air and a vampire laughing amidst it all.

"That is precisely why you are so perfect for me."

"That don't make no sense."

Bill smiled, and Sookie's heart literally stopped beating until she remembered that her heart only beat when she told it to, which is most likely what explained why she couldn't stand; she was constantly reminding her heart to beat. One look at the kind, loving, intelligent, talented, perfect, beautiful, flawless face that was Bill, stopped her heart all over again.

"Oh, Sookie, why can't you see what you really are? You are a vessel that next to, causes me to appear even more ethereal than before. I bask in your love, making me far more powerful than even you could realize. Also, I like women I can control."

Sookie fell under his gaze, filled with love, longing, and a need to marry him instantly, become just like him, and have many, many babies that might have to kill her in order to come to this earth. So be it, she felt, deep within the marrow of her bones.

"Also, The marrow of your bones smell like fresh, wounded lamb to me," Bill whispered, his firm, hard cold, marble-like, chiseled lips pressed against her ear.

They left, hand in hand, to the mud-bug party at Lafayette's, nothing but promise, chaste kisses, and many many mosquitoes in the air.

****

southernbangel is coming for a weekend visit so there will be wine, us women, fajitas, and footballs. NICE.

Comments

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halfmoon_mollie
Nov. 13th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
oh, not fair, SO not fair, first thing in the morning to make me laugh so hard coffee comes out my nose. You are very talented, I feel, deep within the marrow of my bones!



Edited at 2008-11-13 01:51 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 01:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, sweetheart... *cups your face tenderly, as I am so strong as you so frail* of course I am. one day you will be like me, but I won't have it! But I will make you one of me! BUT I CANNOT! *chagrin*
drusplace
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:01 pm (UTC)
HA!!!!! TOO funny!

Sounds like you are in for a lovely weekend as well.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:02 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha. I seriously would sit down and write an entire book like that, if I had the time. It would make me laugh and laugh...

I hope so! SHE BETTER NOT SCREW UP MY PLANS. hahaha.
moosesal
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:19 pm (UTC)
*is dead* Dude. Dude!!! Amazing. You could totally get published. *g*

Bill chuckled, and it was the sound of water rushing over well-worn river rocks in a quiet brook, set within a glen filled with tender animals and splashes of color set upon flowers strewn about the glade, bees and butterflies humming in the sultry air and a vampire laughing amidst it all.

That passage made me think that you should enter the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. I don't know if you're familiar with it or not. It's a contest for worst opening sentence ever.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:14 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAH! I forgot about that! Hmm.... new year's resolution?
gehayi
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:28 pm (UTC)
That is BRILLIANT. I love it.

By the way...would you ever consider doing another spot-the-Mormonism series? I have a friend who is nuts about the Enderverse, and we both have a sneaking suspicion that Orson Scott Card's beliefs creep into his series a LOT. Women lose their personalities when they fall in love, the greatest good that a woman can achieve involves getting pregnant...that kind of thing.

(She suggests the Shadow series--she says it's really blatant there, much more than it was in the earlier books. If you don't feel like science fiction and prefer fantasy, I suggest the Alvin Maker series.)
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:21 pm (UTC)
Oh, I've never read Orson Scott Card, never plan on it BECAUSE it's all LDS, too. I mean, just how much do you think I can take??? (hahahaha)

I AM NOT AN ANIMAAAAAAAAL!!!!!
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harmonyfb
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:37 pm (UTC)
Bwah!
::snort::

I told Manly the other night that I'm sure Charlaine Harris is twitching every time the show airs. I mean, her books aren't deathless prose or anything, but they're nice, light and entertaining eye candy. This show? Hoo, boy. :P

The sad thing is that it could have been fun, sexy, cheesy vampire goodness. :( (And yet, I can't stop watching...)

Also, get out! The Publix by my house doesn't sell horrible looking pecan pies like that. ::shakes head::
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:15 pm (UTC)
Re: Bwah!
I think the same thing about Charlaine Harris! Poor poor dear.

I can't stop watching, either! Out of shock, mind, but still! TRAIN WRECK.

I'm a huge fan of Publix, but i couldn't think of any other grocery stores local to the panhandle. ;)
xochitl42
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:40 pm (UTC)
Once again, you have propelled liquid through orifices (orifii?) that should not, ordinarily, have such things run through them.

...


Mind outta the gutter, I'm talking about my nose.

I have to go get some oxygen now. Oooh. Owwie!

(Oh, and about that pecan pie? There needs to be a southern-cook-ninja team that can be dispatched to remedy such vile ills from the face of the earth. Wouldn't they be cool? Paula Deen in charge, ready to kill those deserving of death with butter and an iron skillet. Kill them to death.)
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:16 pm (UTC)
I would TOTALLY BE THAT NINJA. *jumps into frame in a side kick, kicks the bad pie out, whips out nun-chuks and with a flurry of motion, assembles a proper pie*

HA HA HA!!
bitchygrrl
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:45 pm (UTC)
Seriously i just did abs, don't make me laugh. Oh I plan on going to the Twilight movie and LMAO. Oh also I love Robert Patz for saying that. *CTFU*
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
Isn't RPatz awesome?? I don't know if he's trying to get out of his contract, or if he just doesn't have a filter, but either way, I LOVE IT.
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maybe1ce
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:46 pm (UTC)
Hm. Well. I love it, although I think it would benefit from some Rainbow Sparkles. After all, StephFanny (or whatever idiot way she spells her name) Meyers knows The Wisdom of Five Year Old Girls And Drag Queens: When in doubt, put glitter on it.

"I like women I can control" made me snort. And, I thought that his affiliation with Twilight would make RPaz Dead To Me, and yet, every time he speaks, I heart him a little more.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC)
I just can't get behind you on this one. My opinion (and the apparent opinion of people on set) is it's just... bad. But that's the beauty of opinion, we all have one and they stink, not unlike bungholes. ;)

I'm with you, though, on RPatz. I LOVE him now!!
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brunettepet
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
Well, at least the production designer gets that the show is a train wreck, but that doesn't excuse the badness.

You make bad fic fun! I loved this: "Oh, Sookie, why can't you see what you really are? You are a vessel that next to, causes me to appear even more ethereal than before. I bask in your love, making me far more powerful than even you could realize. Also, I like women I can control." Oh, Bill, you shiny, silver tongued day-mon stalker.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:19 pm (UTC)
It's just mindboggling. I'm convinced that all of the "guess what people online are saying!" quotes are really just from HBO interns.

Hunny, I cain't lie: I gots a day-mon in-sahd me!
serenelystrange
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:21 pm (UTC)
Oh Stoney... you make half of me laugh in glee and the other half sigh.. because for some reason I still like those crazy books. Much of it is the mocking factor, its fun! And the other part is I just like being swept up in fan craziness sometimes, lol. But anyhoo, you do amuse me, :D

And tommorrow, I am totally going to a local mall here at an ungodly hour to get Robert P's autograph, lol. Cuz I think he's preeety. Twilight or no twilight. I thought he was pretty in HP. I have commitment to the sparkle motion, ~_^

Also, I'm disappointed in the reviews of True Blood. I enjoy the books so much! But I just cant imagine Anna Paquin as Sookie.. so I never gave the show a shot.

Have fun this weekend! :D
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:28 pm (UTC)
You DO have commitment to the sparkle motion! Just b e careful of the stampede of crazed fangirls hoping he'll bite them! Wear a helmet!!

The books = fun. The show = utter, utter racist, stereotypical, stupid crap.
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redbrickrose
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
I haven't seen True Blood, but its on my list just because I have to know what everyone is talking about - especially if it's epically bad.

I am SO AMUSED by Robert Pattison. That's awesome and true no doubt. My friends and I are all going to Twilight on opening night. We have Team Mike t-shirts covered in glitter and rhinestones. It will be very, very hard not to mock it openly.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, it is so bad. Like my bad!fic posts bad. Be prepared.

Isn't he HILARIOUS??? I love it. I'm totally going to mock it openly, weeping tweens or no. :D
oatmellow
Nov. 13th, 2008 03:35 pm (UTC)
I'll admit it. I'm really enjoying True Blood (haven't read the books, which I think helps) As much as I like the show, I have to admit that your conversation between Bill and Sookie is sadly, dead on.

I'm ready for Bill to go away though and for Eric to step in and take Sookie to the HNL.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
Given what I know what's coming with Eric, um... I'm really looking forward to him being naked and showering and being naked. And doing stuff naked. YES, PLEASE.
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, isn't he great?? If I was younger, I'd be on that like stink on me. :D
dampersnspoons
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
Southernbangel is coming??? WHEN??

Also, "Suhkeh," said Bill, and if he could speak in italics, he would have.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:49 pm (UTC)
She IS! TODAY AT 1:30!!! YAYNESS. (You're going to Austin, right? If not, get thee hie to my house, girl!)

Prison Mike. Ahahahahaha!
risingtofall
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
hahahaha. For the first 3 episodes of True Blood my friend thought Bill's name was 'Belle' because of Sookie's accent. Belle and Suuhkay are now the running jokes. I love True Blood and not in the same way I love the books. True Blood is just fun, and pretty to look at (I watch it in HD) and fun to get together on Sunday nights and watch with friends. Compared to most shit on TV I don't think it's that bad. I forget the name of those two completely shit vampire series that came out last year, but I'm just happy these vampires have fangs and can't go out in the day light.

And I never get tired of Jason Stackhouse's ass.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
I watch it in HD, too, but it hurts me. IT HURRRRRTTSSSSS!!

One of those series you're thinking of MUST be the Twilight series, amirite? Absolute crap. True Blood is better than that, but only by a margin, imo. Sorry!

I will say this about Jason Stackhouse: the actor that plays him is fucking gorgeous. He's Australian (does a great accent, it must be said) and is a triathlete. YUM.
enigmaticblues
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing* Oh, my. Ohhhh my. Thank goodness that RPatz is sane, at least. As for your rewrite... Let's just say that it's a good thing my co-clerk left, because I'm still giggling.
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, YAY! I love making people laugh.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC)
He really is a cutie, and evidently funny and smart, too. :D

Isn't it crazy how these girls are? It's like he's Jermaine Jackson and they're all Tootie from the Facts of Life, a Very Special Episode. :D
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la_dissonance
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:59 pm (UTC)
OMG. This is pure win, of the hilarious variety. Is that really how Twilight is written? It had better not be how Twilight's written. Just strengthens my resolution to never ever read it, ever, all the more...
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:53 pm (UTC)
That is REALLY how Twilight is written. Isn't that just horrible?!?!
tricksterquinn
Nov. 13th, 2008 05:02 pm (UTC)
I feel vaguely guilty for my ever-growing love for RPattz... the boy doesn't need any more fans.

OTOH, did you know he wanted to be a political speechwriter? How am I supposed to NOT feel affection for his boozed-out miserable little soul? Poor dear.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:54 pm (UTC)
I love him now, just because of his rottenness towards SMeyers. How can you not love that?!?

HE DID?! Hogod, that just makes me like him MORE!
a2zmom
Nov. 13th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
I don't watch True Blood and I never plan to read Twilioght, but I snorted my water anyway. Leave my vampires alone. crazy people. You piss me off.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:54 pm (UTC)
See how smart you are with the sparing of your brain? Why can't I learn that? ;)
solipsiae
Nov. 13th, 2008 06:02 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHa. Man, True Blood is my favorite badfic show. Campiest big-budget slop ever!
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:55 pm (UTC)
ANGIE. It is such craptastic crap! I can't turn away. It's like watching a trainwreck with humping clowns and trapeze artists as they bake cakes. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
ethrosdemon
Nov. 13th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAH God, how do people keep making such BAD vampire media? HOW? it's not like vampires are hard to get right!
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC)
JESUS, NO DOUBT. Vampires should be easy: sexy, you want them, you're afraid of your want, and when the main vampire starts to sound like Elvis Presley, you're doing it wrong.

SOOKIE. Get in thar and gimmie a nuttah-buttah. Ask Lisa Marie where they is.
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chosen0112
Nov. 13th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
I gave up watching TB at about episode 5. It both sucked and blew at the same time. Poor Charlaine Harris.
I heart your sarcasm! Also, that is EXACTLY how bad they sound when they speak. You are made of win. Glorious, twinkling, gleaming win.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:58 pm (UTC)
It TOTALLY sucks and blows, and not in the high-class whore way, exactly. Oh, I feel for Charlaine every time the show airs. Poor little pulp-fiction author.

all I want on my tombstone is for it to be bedazzled with the word "rainbow sparkles." Is that asking too much???
kben
Nov. 13th, 2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
The following is a true story.

So, I'm doing NanoWrimo and to kick off the mad month of November, my local group had a 24 hour write out. During the 24 hours people came and went, but I was there for the majority of the 24 hours and somewhere just past the midpoint, my group leader got to talking about Twilight and how she hates it yet cannot stop obsessing over it. And I said, "OMFG, one of my most excellent LJ friends totally did this thing about Twilight and Mormons and all that madness." And shew as like, "OMFG, I read that thing!"

And the rest of the 24 hours was less with the writing and more of the mocking of the Twilight. By then end of the night I had done this: http://www.cafepress.com/kbsdc/6143495
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahaha to your icon!

DUDE! That's insane!! I forget that anyone beyond you guys ever pays attention to any of the burbling I post, you know? Crazy!

Hahahaha to your cafe press shirts!
slackerace
Nov. 13th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC)
I grew up in Mississippi and Louisiana and am insulted by most of the characterizations/dialogue in this show. It's like AB is waving his middle finger in front of my face. You, however, make it so very bearable.

I'm so excited for you to see Twilight. I can't wait to read your account!!

Hey, you haven't posted about FNL this season. Are you watching or are you waiting for it to air on NBC after the DirecTV run?
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA - Anne and SPike, heeeeeeee!

Oh my god, aren't the accents AWFUL? The actor that plays Jason does an okay job, and he's an Aussie! Arlene, the red-headed waittress does a good Arkansas, and Rene does a perfect cajun, but everyone else?!?!? BAH.

I cannot WAIT to see Twilight. I may have to go to the Friday matinee by myself and bring a notepad a clip-light. :D

You know, I don't have Direct TV! I'd planned on watching it when it airs on regular TV, and I'm hoping it's the same thing. *nail bites* I'm really looking forward to it - I'm hearing good things about this season.
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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