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Picture it: Sicily, 1912! (I can't let the Golden Girls go, I'm sorry.)

REAL ENTRY: So I'm on my short walk this morning (7 miles because I am Sasha Fierce, Beyonce) and cars are passing, the occupants starring at me. I hate being stared at, incidentally. I'm growing more irritated with every car passing me (and I'm walking into the wind, y'all know that stiff winds ARE MY ENEMY,) and begin to get paranoid, because I'm nothing if not a rational, calm human.

Are my tits hanging out?
Am I popping nips?
Is there blood on my leg, or is a giant man in a frightening mask following me?


On and on. A landscaper riding a lawn tractor is SLOWING DOWN and staring at me quizzically, and that's it. I stomp over to some trees under the pretense of "stretching" and check myself out. Fine, fine, everything covered, nothing amiss, WHATEVER, PEOPLE. I grab my mp3 player out of my waistband (I'm wearing a new pair of capri-length leggings that don't have a pocket, so my mp3 player is jammed in my waist band. Because of my walking, it's slipped down a bit. Ahem. And I see that the cord for my headphones is hanging down enough so that it's tucked up into my ladybidness, so to passers by, it appears that I have jammed an iPod up my cooze for safe keeping, or some such.

I WOULD STARE AT THAT, TOO.

Jesus hell, people, you can't take me anywhere. Oh, the laughing I did at myself, which only made more cars wonder about the crazy lady on the side of the road, probably setting her thingamabob to vibrate and enjoying herself in public. BWAH.

Stoney: 0
The World: A billion

Comments

( 70 comments — Leave a comment )
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abusing_sarcasm
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:13 pm (UTC)
I would listen to that sweet, sweet music. *nods*

Make me a mix tape?
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
BWAH! Twat? I cunt hair you...
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mangofandango
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:13 pm (UTC)
I had a good, much-needed laugh as a result of your plight, though I am sorry you experienced it. ;)
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
I am a NERD DELUXE, yo.

Oh, man, thank goodness I can laugh at myself, or I would be miserable ALL THE TIME. :D
brunettepet
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha! And it's not like someone could tell you what they thought was going on! If your fly was open or you were flashing boob I would not hesitate, but in this case I would have just stared, too!
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:44 pm (UTC)
*head desk times a million*

See, I run the cord under my shirt so I don't have all that swinging around to tangle my arms. I usually tuck the excess into my waistband, too, but it just hung down in front and...

Good lord. I'm just a hot mess.
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thebratqueen
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*breathe*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
I KNOW.

Class, right here! *points to self*
ruthless1
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:46 pm (UTC)
Oh dear. I head desk on your behalf.
*giggles some more*
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 05:54 pm (UTC)
I just...

IT WASN'T THERE, OKAY WORLD?? It just LOOKED like it was. But it wasn't.

*cries* Ahahaha.
lynnenne
Nov. 19th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
I bet the iPod had fun, though. <3
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 06:06 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Stupid pants with no pockets... ;)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha, thank you!
tricksterquinn
Nov. 19th, 2008 06:46 pm (UTC)
Wow. That's... special.

Wouldn't it be hard to RUN like that?
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:42 pm (UTC)
Well, possibly? I don't know as I was walking. And keep in mind that the CORD was DANGLING BETWEEN MY CLOTHED LEGS. I didn't ACTUALLY have what people thought I had.

....just to be clear. ;)
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turnonmyheels
Nov. 19th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
LOL

you know, they do sell a vibe thing that attaches to you ipod and vibes to the beat of whatever's playing. I wonder how many people thought that was exactly what you were doing while walking down the road?
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:42 pm (UTC)
They sell iBrators?!?! Why was I not informed? And hahahaha, I would think a safe bet is most of them thought that...
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moosesal
Nov. 19th, 2008 07:35 pm (UTC)
I love you. That's all I have to say. I love you. Thank you for making me laugh.
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOU, SAL.

(Um, people are thinking I actually shoved my player up my Noni. Why doesn't anyone READ anymore?? *laments*)
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affectingly
Nov. 19th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
I am sorry to report that I, too, would have laughed and stared a little. I feel like I was probably taught better manners than that, but the fact that the idea of an iVagina would have popped into my head probably supersedes any pretense of manners.
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, don't even think that I wouldn't have slowed down, my head hanging out, looking back and what might be the thing that makes my day.

And evidently there's an iBrator! I-

That's a lot to take in all at once.
soundingsea
Nov. 19th, 2008 08:29 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha. Awesome.
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
*points to icon*
ethrosdemon
Nov. 19th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
I know everyone is laughing at you, but personally I am appalled at the idea that seven miles is a short walk.

(I wouldn't have noticed the iPod thing as I am clueless.)
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)
With me, WITH ME!! Ahahaha. Well, seeing as I was walking 12 - 15 miles at a go just about a week ago, 7 is my short walk. *flexes my thighs for you*

Man, I just found out that there IS such a thing as a vibrator that attaches to your iPod! What the hell, world?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:47 pm (UTC)
HEEEE! I say the same thing to my cats when they get high and mighty. Hahaha, side note, my sister calls cat butts a banana chip, which is both hilarious and has effectively put me off eating those forever. :D
dovil
Nov. 19th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
Do you fart classically, or is it more drum n bass?
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC)
It really depends on my diet. I usually aim for a clear, high C.
zyrya
Nov. 19th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
I can't stop laughing! Hee!

Now you can check for pics of yourself on ladybidness_thingamabob.com
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:49 pm (UTC)
Bwah ha ha!! Oh, how I love letting people laugh at me. If you'll excuse me, I have a gallon of motor oil to swallow and a letter to write...
claudia6913
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:00 pm (UTC)
OMG! I want to laugh out loud so bad but there's a meeting not more than 3 feet from my desk with all the managers ... and it. hurts. so. bad.

Wow...

Just ... wow.
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC)
It was just the cord, people! JUST THE CORD!!!

*swallows a jug of bleach*

Goodbye, cruel world...
triplemare
Nov. 19th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry that you had the unintentional iCooze. I did however, giggle like a fiendmonkey at the image/post. Thanks for sharing!
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:05 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, YOU ARE WELCOME. I offer my personal pain and toil up to the world for mocking. *sniff* ;D
kseenaa
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
MWAHAHAHAHA!!! X-D Your gold!
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:28 pm (UTC)
*bows*
cityphonelines
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
Whatever, that's some sex-ay free softcore porn images you were sending out into the world!

I♥U!
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 11:00 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA. What a positive outlook. :D

*slumps from laughing*
mumsisdaughter
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
So next time you go out, everyone will be watching for you, wondering what sort of show you'll be putting on. Content yourself with the knowledge that you brightened their otherwise dull day and gave them something to talk about at the office or over dinner! Let's hope there isn't someone uploading the whole affair to YouTube right now!
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHA! I better make sure my hair is brushed, next time! Bwah ha ha..

(Hogod, YOUTUBE. No... I think it was just all the old folks in my neighborhood and the landscaping crew. Hee!)
oatmellow
Nov. 19th, 2008 11:57 pm (UTC)
I was certain you were going to tell us you had on white see through pants with dark granny panties.
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
That's what I wear for gymnastics, but I can see how you would be confused.

Walking is capri-nylon leggings, just tight enough that I don't notice the headphone cord camel toe. :F
heatherbird
Nov. 20th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
I just laughed SO HARD that I had to repeat your story TO MY MOTHER.
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
OH NOES!

Pls let your mother know that I am actually quite lady-like and merely had the APPEARANCE of a foul she-beast!

*cuts crusts off watercress sammiches*
mere_ubu
Nov. 20th, 2008 12:51 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAAA! Y'know, I was berating myself for scanning the flist instead of doing dishes, but laughing this hard more than vindicates me; now I can count this as cardio. I especially love your little mental checklist. It wouldn't have occurred to me either to ask, "Are my tits hanging out? Am I popping nips? And oh, does it look like I've stuffed my iPod into my zorch?" Dude, that question is going on the checklist PRONTO. Forewarned is forearmed.

Edited at 2008-11-20 12:52 am (UTC)
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2008 12:59 am (UTC)
Yes, we all now have to check that we do not appear to be using our "lady purse" as a storage facility.

:O
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stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC)
Normally I do too! The Mr. bought me these, and didn't know that I have SPECIFICATIONS, ZOMG.
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( 70 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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