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I AM BACK FROM SEEING TWILIGHT.

I have nine pages to write up. Oh my god. This is a placeholder, I'll add all my "notes" under a cut once I've got them all figured out. The AUDIENCE, good lord. The movie: eh. The audience? Had to have been nothing but Twi-moms.

This is just my typing from my notes, there aren't any photoshopped macros. I will say, though, that the ones I made for the books will still apply to the movie. As in, some of the pictures/people I chose look A LOT like imagery in the movie, which I find hilarious. :D


The audience wasn't a sell out, but I was glad to see that, as it was ten freaking o'clock in the AM. The audience, however was 98% ladies over twenty: a menagerie of cat collectors, tea fanciers, ladies dissatisfied with their husbands, women that call their husbands "hubbies," and of course, lonely girls. Two men, one of them kept getting up (and I can't blame him) and a group of three kids - boy boy girl!! - that were clearly in junior high, which made me mad at their mothers for letting them slough off school to see this movie. What if today had been the day they figured out how to cure cancer, but instead, they watched Sparklepire: The Movie?

These folks were giggly, giddy, filled to the brim with Diet Coke and dreams, waiting for the physical manifestation of their ideal demi-god, Edward Cullen.

I, however, was sitting in the far back corner, my little blue pen light in hand, a notebook, and a pocket full of malice. Actually, those were just sour balls. But still.

A couple of girls came to sit right in front of me, and I swear, they dressed up FOR EDWARD. Dripping with perfume, touching their hair, and arranging themselves just so in their seats. And they weren't the only ones. I got a good look at the crowd, and all the groups were just overwhelmed with excitement. I flashed back to when Star Wars Ep 1 came out, and the audience was filled with geeks (like me) oh so excited for the Star Wars world to start back up again. I still say the geek crowd was cooler.

I have a little note I scribbled during the HP 6 trailer: I ♥ Ron Weasely. Hahahaha. It's true...

So when the movie finally started up, the audience was cheering and squealing with delight. Every single time a character from the book was introduced, there was applause and giggles of joy. Really, ladies? Didn't everyone see the promo pics? I'm just a sour old biddy, never mind me. I did, however, laugh when Jacob and Billy, the Quilute Indians, showed up because Jacob had the worst wig I've seen in a while, and everyone pushed Billy around in his wheelchair. Guys? His arms work. Most people in wheelchairs can care for themselves, I thank you. I guess they did this instead of having everyone carry Bella around? Huh.

I loved that Bella never Mormon Cussed, which is to say, she never took the Lord's name in vain. "Oh my gosh!" when everyone else was throwing "Oh my god!" around. That's just something I always pay attention to, since it was hammered in our heads growing up. We get to meet all the kids at school, and they at least cast Mike as a total Weenis.

Another note written hugely: I HATE THIS AUDIENCE. They were just frothing in their bits wanting to jump into the movie and BE a part of it. Calm down, ladies, it's a flick. Plus, it doesn't even have Collin Firth in a wet shirt, which makes it a fail as a romance in my book. Ahahaha.

When fandom and RL intersect: Bella is wearing a shirt on her first day that I SWORE read "Growing Up Cullen" on the back, but it did not. (Wouldn't that have been freaking awesome?) Her introduction to Edward was the most cheesetastic thing EVER. This is the stuff of parody, and yet...

She walks in, past a fan, CUE SLOW-MO. The fan blows her hair in a becoming manner, which wafts her scent to Edward. Who looks like he's trying to go #2 in his pants. He's all, "Ew, what's that stink? Me? Whoops!" Except for how vampires - like nice girls - don't poop. Cue the creepy stalker music!

(Every time Edward is near her, thinking of her, looking at her while appearing constipated, they play this very ominous stalker music. Apropos, no?)

We have all the crap from the book: everyone is in love with Bella, she's so awkward, she falls (I kept a tally, 3 falls with the hint of a fall that is used as a cover story) and loads of manufactured UST. Boy, if you could convert the UST into energy, that would single-handedly solve the energy crisis.

Basically, all the problems with the book are the problems with the movie. WHY are they together? Just because of her smell? Good lord. There's no character development, there's no real interaction, they LITERALLY LAY NEXT TO EACH OTHER in a flower-strewn meadow and stare into one another's eyes. And this, of course, makes them fall in love. Riiiight.

Obsession: noun, a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

I have to discuss the SPARKLE, because oh my lord in heaven. I heard people whining about this after the movie was over. He didn't sparkle like they imagined!! It basically looks like Edward took a powder puff of glitter to himself. Where were my damned rainbow sparkles I was promised?! I wanted him to shine brighter than the top of the Chrysler Building! Instead, it's just lame and actually hard to see, and yet we're told how this is SO OBVIOUSLY VAMPIRISM that that he can't be around others when the sparkle comes. Uh... whatever, dude. I've seen more glitter on the mustaches of dudes in the bathroom at a gay club. I'm just saying.

Bella says, "You're beautiful" and here I am thinking he just banged some club chick and didn't bathe, or something, and Edward replies, "This is the skin of a killer."

*holds sides, laughing*

I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard. [Every movie should have a Jame Gumb moment.]

Oh, I forgot! When Edward is first shown on screen, the ladies in my audience MOANED AUDIBLY. I swear, one woman was having an orgasm. Jesus please us, take a chill. And they get a close up of his Golden Orbs, the music becoming soft and romantique, and all I can think of is how RPatz just looks stoned and constipated. Which he probably was.

I really need someone else to notice this, by the way. When the van comes to act as a plot device, you can see the indent happen BEFORE Edward's hand goes in, right? Just me? I'm pretty sure that's what I saw. Hmmm.

When Dr. Cullen (the vamp dad) came on screen there were wolf whistles and "Rawr!" and squees from the crowd. Really? He looks like someone faced in him some ground up talc. The makeup used to make them all look pale is pretty bad. It's like they weren't prepared for HD or something. (You use different make up for HD, incidentally.) It's all pancake-y and chalky and you can SEE the lip liner on the boys. Not that i have a problem with guys in makeup, just...that's not what they intended.

Stalker Alert Count: 1! She's dreaming, all moany and writhing in her bed, a shoulder bare (scandale!) and he's standing there! OR IS HE? She thinks she dreamed him, but we know better. YIKES.

Stalker Alert Count: 2. Edward doesn't even pretend to not be listening in on her conversations, then doesn't apologize for that being really intrusive.

Fall tally: 2, she slips in a greenhouse and the audience falls apart laughing. "Oh, I'm just like that! My my, I can barely walk on two legs!" and on and on. What the hell has happened, people? I'm completely surrounded by morons, that's what.

It's all about how chicks dig the bad guy because they can change him. They'll make him good! Edward even tells her "I'm the bad guy," and Bella declares him good, so that problem was solved straight away, way to build the tension, er, completely DROP the tension. And of course, "women" want a man to be so focused on them, so into what their inner needs, hopes, and desires are, that they can't stop fapping to the idea of a beautiful boy that can READ MINDS, has nothing to do but worry about them, has all the money you could want at their disposal, and isn't into sex. "You're like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroin."

Did you see 30 Rock last night? With Liz Lemon wanting to start a relationship at the 12 year point so you know all the stuff and have none of the sex? THAT is how you make that no sex/companionship concept work. This stuff is just... self insertion in the completely non-kinky way.

SPEAKING OF SELF INSERTION, SMEYERS IS IN THE MOVIE. Bit part, at the cafe, orders a water, or something safe. These women were besides themselves with delight. IT IS THE MAKER! SHE IS HERE TO GUIDE US! *violins*

Hilarious things that weren't intended to be so:

  • The Victorian Cullens feeding on people where the men are dressed like costumed Dandies. Why, is that a Fancy Lad, I spy? They all have the same hairdo as in modern days, which cracked me up to no end.

  • Victoria, the bad vampire girl, is TOTALLY DRESSED like Ginger Spice, and I swear, that's the funniest thing to me. I nailed it, in other words. Ahahaha. Ahem.

  • Bella and Edward are constantly staring into each others eyes, and this is the "love" being born. You know what? I just don't want to look into ANYONE'S eyes for an extended period of time. I have books to read, you know? Sheesh.

  • Bella is just as bad a friend in the movie as in the book. Pay attention to others, what? I have a boy to look at intensely, I thank you!

  • the VAMPIRIC RUNNING. So fake, so odd and awkward looking. You can tell they're on wires being pulled forward. What's the deal with vampires not being able to demonstrate their speed without it looking corny? I'm looking at you, too, True Blood.

  • everything sinister or sexy is in SLOW-MO. So we can really tell what's happening? Who the hell knows.

  • the lack of kissing for the most part. Oh, they want to, we know it from the music, from their lips being kinda close and they look constipated, and then dance away from each other. The actual kissing, it must be said, is actually hot. RPatz is hot, and Kristen Stewart is a good actress for what she's been given, so there you go. Something nice. *G*

  • Alice is TOTALLY BJORK. Guys, whatever, I called it. Oh, so funny. The actress had a great moment, though, at the end, when Alice has Bella's blood on her hand and she kinda quivers her hand under her nose and looks intoxicated? That was a nice touch.

  • "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." <- Bella, after mooning over Edward in the wildflower meadow. Their one date. Good hell, this is so BYU dating style.

  • when Edward plays his cheesy "song" (a series of chords ascending and sescending, um) for her, all I could think of was his earlier composition for Sarah Palin, and him singing "Boom de yadda, boom de yadda" with a hint of love and longing in his sweet, dulcet soprano... (Hahaha.)



Stalker Alert Count: 3. Bella gets off the phone and there's Edward, all eyes boring into her and tense faced. No, that's not creepy.

"Do you do that a lot?"
"Just the past couple of months."

O_O

The women were CHUCKLING, like, oho, that Edward! What a scamp! Let's be honest: do you want someone with super keen eyes, sound, and SCENT staring at you all night while you slept? Don't act like you haven't Dutch Oven'ed the comforter, not to mention the sniffs, the weird scratches, the drool... NO ME GUSTA.

He finally kisses her, and I swear to god, I have just witness 200+ women climaxing in unison. I will say that I was impressed they had Bella in her panties and a tee for that scene. Smeyers always had her chastely wrapped in many blankets. That was hot, but COME ON, people. There's hotter stuff out there, I swear. (But then, for the target audience, this is smoking hot. PG fare pushing PG-13.)

I cracked up that the music during the "Vampiric Baseball" scene was Muse, her muse. Get it? Oh, she's a fun one, that Stephenie Meyers. I like the song, too, dammit. The baseball scene is just what you imagine it to be: boring and forced. Alice (Bjork) points her toe into a high kick to pitch the damn ball. Remember, in the book she doesn't walk, she dances because she's so graceful. *head desk*

Then it's ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! The bad guys show up, Brad Pitt Lite, Lenny Kravitz wanna be, and Ginger Spice. They all start to rumble, which means to these vampires that they need to crouch low, look pained, and growl. But of course there's no fight, because that would take away the drama of the end! The Helms Deep, if you will, and you will. (LoTR shoutout, geek cred represent!)

Some women STOOD UP and APPLAUDED during the final battle scene when Edward comes to save Bella from Brad Pitt Lite. I mean... didn't each of them read the book? They gasped like, "Oh my god, he made it!!!" And I was reminded of the audience at The DaVinci Code and how they gasped at the "reveals" there, and EVERYONE READ THE STUPID DAMN BOOK. Also, that may have been one of the lamest "mysteries" ever needing solved. I'm just saying people can be stupid, that's all.

It's the Battle of All Battles (it lasts for about 2 minutes, start to finish, uh...) and Bella gets bitten, and Edward has to SUCK HER BLOOD (like a proper vampire?) and it's so touching, you guys, because he wants her SO BAD but he has to fight his bad nature and what is going to happen!?!?!?#?# Women in the audience: sniffing back tears because of the romance. I guess. Wow. Really? Really. REALLY???? There are so many romance movies out there and THIS they cry about? femmenerd and I mentioned "Wings of Desire" the other day and THAT is a great movie. (The original Wem Wenders verison.)

Jesus, "Valley Girl" is a better romance. Plus, that was when Nicholas Cage had his own hair. Hahahaha.

Oh, in case you were worried, Bella lives and we have Stalker Alert Count: 4. It's mentioned that while Bella is recovering from her "accident" Edward never leaves, "he's always there." Let a girl recoup, why don't you?? And again, let me say that there is NO VISIBLE REASON for these two to love each other, except that the movie tells us they do. SHOW, don't tell. But then, this is the fault of the source material, K. Stewart is giving it her all. She just doesn't have much to work with.

They have prom, and it's the lamest prom ever, and who the hell has prom in someone's HOUSE? It's a small town, sure, but come on. Fancy it up, folks; there has to be a boutique hotel or something in town! The women in my audience are SOBBING during a slow dance and when Edward makes it clear he won't turn her. 50s music plays, they slow dance and chastely close-mouth kiss and it's all so pure and loving, and THE END. Or is it?!?

Applause, applause, the audience is eating this UP. The movie overall isn't completely terrible, much to my (snerk) chagrin, but it's not great, either, not by a long shot. If they didn't have the two leads that are in it, it would have been laughably awful from start to finish, my guess. But the problems I have with it are based on the source material, which... Yeah. It's utter crap. The director made a pretty looking movie with a good soundtrack (dammit) and the actors try (except the kid that plays Jacob is so repugnant to me. That awful wig!) but the love story itself is so forced. It's truly like mediocre (or bad) fanfic. meh.

Things that bother me: it's not a truly BAD movie (see: The Room, or Troll 2). By which I mean that if someone else had written it, it could have been really good. Which means that Twilight wouldn't have existed, because it exists to suck. Har har. Vampires are sex; here they tried to be sexy, but the damn source material is such a cock block! Little choices by the actors in some scenes were really nice, like the aforementioned Alice sniffing the blood bidness. The actress that plays Jessica was cute and appropriately bubbly for a small town girl, and had an Amy Adams quality that I liked.

Oh, there's an art piece on the wall of the Cullen house of nothing but graduation caps, and I loved that. I actually looked really cool. Pretty much the things that are awesome are because of the director/actors, not because it had anything to do with the book. The best stuff was written FOR the movie, which should tell you something.

Eh, it's okay for tweens, it doesn't have all the subtext of religious dogma like the books do, so take it for what it's worth. Also, Smeyers already got her payout, so you don't have to worry about proceeds from the tickets going to her tithing payment, which in turn goes into the kitty for passing shit like Prop 8. Just don't buy the books and you're clean :)

All in all, K Stewart does admirably with what she's given and has fabulous hair, and Rpatz is pretty, even with lip liner. :D

...they are making #2, right? How the hell are they going to do the blank pages? Hahahaha, my money is on the screen going dark. For like, three minutes. Then they'll do that fade in with noises like when a scene has someone waking up from a coma, and the screen will be blurry and then focus and we'll be informed that four months have passed. Let's start a betting pool! :D

[ETA] Forgot to mention that I stood in line for tickets behind some giggling women, and when I got there, I asked the tall, pimpled teen forced to work on this most horrible of days for "One for Trainwreck." And he laughed and got my ticket without me saying any more. :D

[ETA 2]; From this interview with SMeyers on her input with the movie: "I didn’t want to get in the way and make it worse" !!! Ahahaha! Watch it, you're digging your hole deeper!

Comments

( 184 comments — Leave a comment )
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tricksterquinn
Nov. 21st, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
Have you seen this yet? I was amused.
slackerace
Nov. 21st, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
That is just snarky enough to entertain me. Thanks for the link!
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HAN SHOT FIRST. - stoney321 - Nov. 21st, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
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slackerace
Nov. 21st, 2008 07:38 pm (UTC)
I.Can't.Wait.

*bookmarks this post*
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
DONE.
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cityphonelines
Nov. 21st, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
I AM ON TENTERHOOKS STONEY. *waits*
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD THE AUDIENCE VINNIE.
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mumsisdaughter
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you for taking on this onerous task on behalf of those unable or unwilling to subject themselves to it. No wonder you need time to gather your thoughts. Was it fun? funny?
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC)
I had fun, but not for the reason I should have...
julia_here
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:06 pm (UTC)
I await your views on the subject; around 1300 butts in seats at the midnight show at the Lacey Regal 16.

Julia, and the Manchild says around 80% female- slightly less XX than "Sex and the City"
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC)
I had two grown men and two teen boys in my audience. O_O
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kben
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
So, I friended this guy on Twitter because he posts flashback episodes of the Phil Hendrie Show. And then, the more I read his twitters (twits? twats? I don't know.) I found out we shared a lot of the same fandoms. And I thought this was cool. Until election time. And then he started expressing dislike for Obama and socialized medicine. This is when I realized the guy was from Canada. And, this story has a point, I promise. So, whatever, politics schmolitics, he thinks we're dumb for not voting in McCain, who cares.

But then. Last night. He posted about the Twilight movie. And how it was BRILLIANT. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't using brilliant as in "A brilliant show of lights" but rather, that it was a genius piece of work.

For this, I might de-friend him.

Can't wait for the Stoney Review! Which sounds like it could be a geological newsletter.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
WHAT.

The man is broken. Something is horribly wrong with him.
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serenelystrange
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
Oh Stoney... I thought of you instantly when they showed the sparkle!

I laughed so much during this movie, and yet I loved it. But I agree, the best parts were not from the book. The parts from the book were uncomfortable to watch a lot of the time, like I felt embarassed for the poor actors, lol.

Also, yeah, I wanted to smack the girls who kept screaming! I was all, "I paid ten bucks for this, shut up!" Ahem. But they didnt. And I had no skittles to throw. Oh well.

Thank goodness Rob & Kristen work well together, becuase it reeeaaally wouldve sucked otherwise.

Ok, I'm done, lol. :D
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
The Sparkle!! Wasn't it so totally lame? I wanted rainbows sparking off him like fireworks! :D

The two leads were very good and worked well. They just needed to be sexed up and not have the source material holding them back, imo. *G*
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 08:58 pm (UTC)
I love Venus as a Boy, but I WEEP FOR YOUR EARS because you had to listen to freaking Yoko Ono. Poor baby.

HP is fantastic! It's fun, engaging, has an incredibly intricate world and characters that grow, evolve, change, have layers...

Twilight has NOTHING. It exists to simply tell us it exists. They love because they tell us they do. There's no growth, no NOTHING. I'll take HP any day. And Cedric would kick Edward's ass, I'm just saying. :D
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sdwolfpup
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC)
A+++ would LOL again!

a pocket full of malice. Actually, those were just sour balls.

My mind immediately went to Chef's chocolate salty balls.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
Hey everyone have you seen my balls, they're big and salty and brown?

Best. Balls. Ever.

Oh man, the crying. The MOANING. Get a room! Oh, wait, they did. ;)
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oatmellow
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
my 10 year old son is reading the book. we're going to see this next week. I can't wait, especially after your play by play!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
Oh, man. If I may make a suggestion, and I don't normally endorse breaking laws...

Eat some shrooms, drop some acid, smoke it if you got it. It'll make it much easier. Um, one assumes. :D
morbidoutlook
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
My friend saw the movie last night, she said the audience would not shut-up. which made me lol
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
Oh I can just imagine! The hard core fans?? Yikes. I was with all the Twimoms wanting to go see it before their daughters did. (Because they're going to go back tonight with their girls, you just know it.)
moosesal
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
Okay. So I started cracking up before I even read this from the "One for Trainwreck" outside the cut. I love you. *mwah!* (And yes to the black screen. I can totally see it happening like that. And people who haven't read the book will think that the projector broke or something.)

and a group of three kids - boy boy girl!! - that were clearly in junior high, which made me mad at their mothers for letting them slough off school to see this movie.
I bet those are homeschooled kids whose mom's felt this was an educational experience because it will teach them about the real world.

Most people in wheelchairs can care for themselves, I thank you. I guess they did this instead of having everyone carry Bella around? Huh.
Hahahaha! I was just talking to a SAR guy about his wife the other night. I've only ever seen her walking with her crutches and braces, so I asked about how she skis. He said she uses a sit-ski and she's the #2 ranked sit-ski instructor in the nation! Dude. She can roll over in moguls and get herself righted. And when she's in her chair (for long days out and about because she's a T4 partial paraplegic) she would punch you in the face if you tried to push her. /randomness

Boy, if you could convert the UST into energy, that would single-handedly solve the energy crisis.
*dies* I love you.

I heard people whining about this after the movie was over. He didn't sparkle like they imagined!!
You're killing me here. I can't breathe.

He finally kisses her, and I swear to god, I have just witness 200+ women climaxing in unison.
Sad. So very sad. *weeps*

Alice (Bjork) points her toe into a high kick to pitch the damn ball. Remember, in the book she doesn't walk, she dances because she's so graceful. *head desk*
And now I'm laughing again.

Thank you for this. I feel like I was there. And that's more than enough for me.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:19 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha - I'll bookmark this post so you and I can double check to see if we're right on how they'll make #2. :D

That's bad ass about your friend's wife. I freaking love the human spirit some days, you know? I'd like to see someone try and push HER in a chair. :|

Hahahaha, all you need is to know what this cultural zeitgeist is, you don't need to actually participate. Conclusion: YOU'RE WELCOME. :D
neilthesheep
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC)
Golden!
I just stumble across your blog, and I find it hilarious. I may or may not see this movie, but if I do, I'm pretty sure you've 'ruined' it for me.

A little off topic.

As someone who was raised mormon in the Detroit area (I know right?)I get a lot of your views about them, but maybe not so much the disdain (I think it's because it's a little less intense in Detroit. It's ok to drink a Pepsi here). Anyways...there are two things that Mormons love that I hate..and they are:

1. They have a reflex for pointing out any celebrity that is LDS. Actors, football players, yo-yo champions, or whatever. It's like they're amazed that people can be mormom AND act. It's odd...maybe it's insecurity.Who knows?

2. They love to discuss the conspiracy that George Lucas is actually a mormon. The Proof being that there are parallels in the star wars movies to their beliefs (which they find in everything), and that Yoda bears a striking resemblance to Spencer Kimball. SO obviously, George Lucas is LDS. Obviously! It's quite the scandal. Do you notice this?

Ok..sorry for totally not being on topic. You've stirred me up. You have a new fan. Thanks!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Golden!
Oh, trust me, the movie ruins itself. :D hahaha, actually, it's not as bad as I was expecting.

1. Oh, yeah. That's to show how Normal we can be, right? Hahaha at yo yo champions, hee! I think it's also to show that there are LDS members outside of Utah.
2. That's... a new one for me. Now, Battlestar Galactica, the original, is COMPLETELY based on Mormon dogma, and the head writer has made no bones about that. I've never heard the George Lucas debate, honest engine!

Well, the disdain is from being raised in such a devout house, devoting so much of my life to it, and then realizing that it's all bunk. There's an aggravation involved with constantly defending something that wasn't worthy of that, is how I see it. *shrug*

And I never mind people going off on tangents - I'm all about the discussion!
Re: Golden! - neilthesheep - Nov. 21st, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Golden! - stoney321 - Nov. 21st, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Golden! - neilthesheep - Nov. 21st, 2008 09:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
ann1962
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:47 pm (UTC)
My 13 year old daughter will be seeing it in a few hours.

She, like you, was absolutely creeped out by the sleep watching. She is only going to mock, and watch her friends croon. Can't wait to see what she says, and I am definitely going to show her this post. Thanks!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:51 pm (UTC)
Aww, look at your smart daughter! :D I'm glad she gets that it is NOT a good thing, the stalking. Yeesh.
... - ann1962 - Nov. 21st, 2008 10:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - ann1962 - Nov. 22nd, 2008 03:38 am (UTC) - Expand
elisi
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC)
"This is the skin of a killer."
There MUST be a Hannibal Lecter joke in there somewhere...

And they get a close up of his Golden Orbs, the music becoming soft and romantique, and all I can think of is how RPatz just looks stoned and constipated.
Well obviously he decided to study DB to learn how to brood convincingly...

That was hot, but COME ON, people. There's hotter stuff out there, I swear.
Someone should introduce them to Torchwood... (Srsly, the ACTORS act out their own crack!fic slashy pr0n at cons. ::points to icon:: BEST. SHOW. EVER! *g*)

Anyway, SO shouldn't be here, but just had to read your report. Thank you so much for going through this so we won't have to!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:52 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, you are welcome! You know me and my penchant for taking one for the team. :D
lolz
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:54 pm (UTC)
i'm going to see it tonight so i'm not going to read what you wrote just yet, but i can't wait. i'm going in with zero expectations of anything worth actually spending the 9 bucks to see it. the only thing i'm happy about is r.pattz - i love him and i heard his actings pretty hilarious in the movie.

everyone i talk to we're in agreement that the only way to make a second movie is to do all 3 books in 1. plot: edward leaves/returns. bella's still obsessed with edwards beauty. something happens with wolves/jacob. bella edward get married. have spawn. /end movie with absolutely zero climax.

and this is why hp trumps twilight.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:08 pm (UTC)
He has some LoLz moments, but I had no problems with the two leads - they TRY, not that the words helped any...

HP trumps twilight for WAAAAAAY more than that, imo! I mean, for starters? RON WEASLEY. :D
... - lolz - Nov. 21st, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
a2zmom
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you for suffering so I don't have to.

My main thought is ever time I see a picture of Edward is that apparently he hasn't washed or combed his hair since the day he was turned.

Edward replies, "This is the skin of a killer."

Even Angel didn't try that line.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:09 pm (UTC)
hahahahah. Angel is a better (and proper) vampire, for starters. :D

He doesn't look greasy in the movie, but he sure does any time I've seen him about!
abusing_sarcasm
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
Oh, how I lulzed...

Thank you for going all cub reporter on this movie's ass so I could mock it without getting out of bed (I just had a tooth pulled! D: ). Your services to the community are unparalleled.

*squishes you*

And 30 Rock is better than anything. I shall use my favoritest icon just for you!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC)
Oooh, poor mouth! Yeah, you'd need way strong meds to endure the movie this weekend on top of mouth issues.

HEEEEE, I LOVE IT! That's hilarious!
botias
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the review. I'm actually a little disappointed that there weren't rainbow sparkles like diamonds.

Also, Smeyers already got her payout, so you don't have to worry about proceeds from the tickets going to her tithing payment, which in turn goes into the kitty for passing shit like Prop 8.

I'm surprised no enterprising person has taken this and turned it into a boycott of the books. *hopes*
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
I was really disappointed there were no rainbow sparkles! I wanted him lit up like the fourth of July, or at least like sunlight through a Tiffany's window. ;)
harmonyfb
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:38 pm (UTC)
Jesus, "Valley Girl" is a better romance.

Hey, I liked that movie! And it had a rocking soundtrack. Which, actually, is probably why I liked it so much.

::bops off, singing 'Johnny, Are You Queer?'::
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:49 pm (UTC)
Valley Girl is a FAVORITE of mine, I didn't mean it dismissively, just, that's a teen romance, it's TRAPPED in 1983, and i love it.

Don't let it get me! Don't let it get me-ah! Eaten by the monster of love!
jennem
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
I'm more interested in book four! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE HER BABY EATING ITS WAY OUT OF HER WHILE BREAKING HER SPINE INTO A PG MOVIE.

THIS I MUST KNOW.

Ha. Loved your rendition!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
THE BABY DOESN'T EAT ITS WAY OUT - DADDY EATS THE BABY OUT!!!

Then again, I don't know which is worse. AUGH!!!
... - darkhavens - Nov. 22nd, 2008 01:53 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 22nd, 2008 04:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
soundingsea
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:49 pm (UTC)
Without reading under the cut (because I'm going to see it tomorrow) I have to comment on your idea for the blank pages. I think this would be an ideal time to re-introduce the custom of an intermission. If I even dream of drinking during a movie I have to pee an hour in, and this movie will definitely require drinking. Of the theater-doesn't-sell-it kind.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, an intermission would be PERFECT! And yeah, I appreciated the intermission during the LOTR series, but it would be SUPER if that came back into vogue. With the size of sodas and the length of movies now? *crosses legs*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 22nd, 2008 12:28 am (UTC)
Well, I've just promised my son (!!!) that I'll take him to see it over the Thanksgiving break next week as it's not as bad as the books, for sure. I'm starting to think that his plan is to be surrounded by horny girls...

;)
dampersnspoons
Nov. 21st, 2008 11:02 pm (UTC)
"I've seen more glitter on the mustaches of dudes in the bathroom at a gay club." I died.

And it's WIM Wenders. I say it because that is one of my favorite movies, ever.

And holy shit on a mountain top, this was a funny post. People gasping at things they already know about is hilarious. It's like someone clued them in to their own surprise party hours before but they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Jesus fuck.

And I'm loving all the Buffy fans coming out of the woodwork on various blogs, defending GOOD WRITING about vampires and REAL character development and angst and romance. Makes me smile and shit.
stoney321
Nov. 22nd, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
Wim? I knew I was spelling it wrong. SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT, BETH.

Also, I left you a voice mail about dishes. Also, the women were creaming their jeans, no lie. O_O
... - dampersnspoons - Nov. 22nd, 2008 12:49 am (UTC) - Expand
chosen0112
Nov. 21st, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)
Jesus fucking christ! It sounds as bad, if not worse, than TB. Were there any day-mons?? "This is the skin of a killer". Really? Cos I think it's just the skin of a lame-ass ridonkulous character in a badly written book, who is now in a badly written movie. Came across this http://movies.msn.com/movies/galleryfeature/lost-twilight-script/?photoidx=1 (Sorry, no idea how to do the clever linky thing)and thought of you. There's creepy staring even in the promo pics. Seriously.

stoney321
Nov. 22nd, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
Hahaha, there were no day-mons nor any butterscotch pudding disguised as pecan pie pies anywhere to be seen! So it has that working for it, at least. ;)
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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