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Let's just say that when I threaten, things get done. I'm talking wife swappin', H.I. about my full night's sleep last night with nary a snuffle, a wheeze, not a solitary soft palate rumble from the Mr. To the point where I overslept and didn't get up until 7:40. (I'm up at 6, normally.) What I'm not doing right now is complaining.

Oh, I meant to link to this yesterday, but with one thing and another, I didn't. For those of you that like RPF (and given the amount I've written back in the day, I will not judge you.) there's a newsletter for all your RPF needs, the appropriately titled handbasketnews. Incidentally, I don't want to hear about your moral repugnance to RPF. You don't need to feel like I need to know all about how that's the ONLY stuff you like to read, either. Like clean air, Coke Zero, and nuns, it just exists whether or not you approve or disapprove, you know'm sayin? The comm is run by some ladies that know good fic, I will say, so you'll find a plethora of well-written fics.

I wanna change gears, though, and offer a poll, a poll of such importance, you will hurt my feelings if you don't take it. I call it the "Do you poot while getting a massage?" poll.
Poll #1312209 Everything About Massage You Never Talk About

I ______ massages.

don't like
hate with a fiery passion to get or give
have never had a

I make a point of going to the bathroom before a massage.

you're supposed to do that?

My state of undress for a massage is:

down to my skivvies, I'm no perv!
bra off and britches on
slither into those sheets naked as a jaybird, baby!
I remain fully clothed so that I may honor my God.
For some reason I get naked, but wear my "massage sweater" and boots. It's a thing.

I have never:

felt ticklish.
told them I felt ticklish.
told them harder.
told them too hard.
had a massage that wasn't exactly what I wanted.

I like it:

rough and tough.
gentle as the rain.
Svenish. (No ladies, pls.)
deep tissue - if I'm not staggering out there, it's as if we shouldn't have wasted our time.
that poky finger-jab type. Because I'm sick and wrong in the head, evidently.
flowy, trippy, earthy, with the stink of Patchoulie in the air.
hot stone'd.

Back to that bathroom question...

I have never farted on a massage table.
as soon as I get under the sheet, I immediately let 'er rip.
I clench the entire time, trying to keep a toot in. (I'm mannered, is what I'm saying.)
I wait until the masseur is at the other end and let one squeak out.
I pretend nothing is happening, even though the sheet is vibrating like I've got a fan on under here.

Do you think they (the masseur)

have seen it all? Or rather, isn't bothered?
Bothered, but knows you're "relaxing?"
totally grossed out and writing a note in your file for everyone to read later?
sees it as a compliment? Like how in some countries, a burp is praise? Or something?
probably this is all in your head, Stoney, not to say that Stoney has EVER DONE THAT. EVER.

Guys, I have NEVER DONE THAT. I'm serious. I'm just asking.

she is SUCH A LIAR.
whatever, she makes a point of eating beans, bran muffins, and a pot of coffee before heading out.
she is a lady, and you guys are just being mean.
I don't understand what we're talking about here.

Today I hope to get my whole bathroom repainted. A few years ago I ripped off all the original vinyl wallpaper (VINYL WALLPAPER. Let that sink in for a minute. Okay, keep reading) that was teal and pink and GOLD (what where they thinking??) and painted the bathroom a lovely, earthy green. I'm into earthy, spicy colors. Except for how I'm not anymore. Cool, cool, sleek, and blue, that's what I want now. Also, the earthy green has just enough yellow in it that it's REALLY unattractive when looking in a mirror. (First person to say that's not the wall color, that's the person in the mirror gets a thump.) I've got this really pretty frosty blue (a deeper Tiffany blue, but not as blue as a bluebonnet. I'll post pictures.) I've got dark wood accents, and white trim in there, with some tan to boot. Pretty. One day we'll rip out the ugly cabinets and the stupid shower that was poorly built and I'll have something like these: check out these waterfall bathtubs!! I like the last one the best. Or these vanities! Everything in our bedroom is wall mounted now, with the exception of our bed. I LOVE it. Vacuuming under furniture? Awesome. (I have four pets.) The top one is also gorgeous. Mmm, wood grain. Check out this shower! With the exception of the stool, I love everything in there.

In completely unrelated news, I watched Eastern Promises this weekend. Viggo Mortenson continues to amaze me both as an actor, and as a woman. Good god, that man makes me tingly in my naughty no nos. He needs to be a greasy Russian mob man covered in tattoos all the time, Y/Y?


( 77 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:12 pm (UTC)
Waterfall bathtubs
Damn you. Because I will NEVER HAVE ONE, and it will always nibble at my soul.

Dec. 9th, 2008 03:19 pm (UTC)
Re: Waterfall bathtubs
Is that not the most GORGEOUS thing?~? Can't you see yourself sinking into that water, peaceful music in the background, some incense or candles burning...

(I'll never have one, either, but I WANTS IT, Precious, I wants it!)
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:21 pm (UTC)
Oh, lord, they have a sports category, but NOBODY IS WRITING MY PAIRING. And I know I wasn't the only one THINKING it this summer.
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:38 pm (UTC)
Well, it's only a week old, so it may pop up? (And they're looking for a part time editor, that might be a great way to find/encourage your pairing....) :D
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
I didn't answer the what they are thinking part, because I REFUSE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING.

Strangely, I have only farted with one massage practitioner, and it's happened more than once. (I say a meek little "scuse me" and drift off again.) I have only worn underwear regularly with one practitioner -- same therapist -- coincidence? Or cause and effect? And the underwear thing was because he's a guy, and working at the gym at my former employer.

Worst massage ever: went with a half price coupon to a therapist whose storefront was NEXT TO A BAR. She YAPPED THE WHOLE TIME. And was A SPITTER. Ew. And she used BABY OIL. There was nothing not bad about that massage.

Edited at 2008-12-09 03:23 pm (UTC)
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:39 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, you and me both. I do NOT want to know what they're thinking.

WHAT THE HELL WITH THAT BAD MASSEUER??!? I would have been so frustrated - shut up, woman, and RUB ME. Baby oil? Oh, woe. That's a terrible tiime, I'm sad on your behalf!

I've never let 'er rip either, but man, there have been times where I'm just red-faced and clenched wondering what the hell is wrong with me... ;)
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Dec. 9th, 2008 03:25 pm (UTC)
Vigs was brilliant in Eastern Promises, wasn't he? And my creepy libido enjoyed the naked fighting a shameful amount :\
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
Oh honey. Nothing creepy about thinking that was awesome in my book! I was RIVETED. Then I was watching it again with the pause button. ;)

He's an amazing actor for so many reasons, but to think of him taking TWO DAYS to fight naked, knowing that people like us would be... riveted? The man has balls. Ahahaha. Ahem.
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:40 pm (UTC)
I hate wallpaper. Granted, I'm in the paint business, BUT STILL.

Yay for a snore free good night sleep \o/
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
I haaaaate wallpaper. (Natural fiber paper? Love that.) And seriously, the wallpaper in my house (only in the bathrooms) was the most godawful 80s crap... And my house was built in 2001!

Oh my goodness, I am SO HAPPY with the Mister, I can't even. I've been miserable for two weeks with his snoring! If I only knew that he needed to be threatened with sleeping outside, I would have jumped on that sooner. :D
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Dec. 9th, 2008 03:45 pm (UTC)
What is this "vacuuming" of which you speak?
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha! Well, now that I'm not wrestling with furniture, I actually vacuum every other day! (Seriously: four pets. Children. Vacuuming has to be done, even though I am laaaaaaazy. When can I have hard wood floors???)
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
Viggo Mortenson continues to amaze me both as an actor, and as a woman.

I was trying to remember the crossdressing scene for about a full minute before I realized I had read this question wrong.

Clearly I need more sleep.
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)

I think he's one of the men that are too rugged to make a pretty woman, as well. Not that I'm bothered by that, mind. :D

*pulls back your covers, fluffs your pillows*
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Dec. 9th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
Viggo. Murble.

Many moons ago when I was deep in the throes of LoTR swoonage, a graphic designer friend of mine photoshopped a pic of me wearing my wedding dress into a promotional poster image for Return of the King. It featured Viggo wielding his sword (cough) and me grinning like a loon in the background clutching a bouquet of flowers. Good times.
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:01 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahahaha. That's hilarious.

And seriously, he's just an amazing actor. He took it upon himself to get on a bike and tool around the mountains in the Ukraine and Russia to get a feel for how those guys really are. No translator, nothing. I love him.
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:14 pm (UTC)
Wait, I thought clean air was just a myth.

When I clicked on that last one, my brain tried to parse the banner at the top as saying "Where yo new products at". Wtf, brain?

I like spicy, earthy colors. One of the houses I stayed in on the campaign this year had the most amazing bathroom - the problem was the sink was much more pretty than functional (trickling faucet, shallow bowl) and the shower floor was these very attractive stones but they were sort of not what I wanted to cope with first thing in the morning.

Eastern Promises is amazing. Viggo Mortenson is one of those actors I am constantly just blown away by.

What other actors are you super impressed by?
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
(Shh, some people believe in the myth of clean air, bless their hearts.)

I've been a "womb" house person for years. Brick reds, curry, golds, dark browns... Now I'm all about clean glass, clutter free surfaces, natural woods, and blues/cooling/calming colors. Incidentally, only my bedroom and my bathroom are those colors. Everything else is still spicy. Baby steps...

Other actors? Def. Cate Blanchett (natch) and Kate Winslet for starters. I'm a HUGE Alec Baldwin fan. The man is disgustingly talented.
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Dec. 9th, 2008 04:15 pm (UTC)
Mmmmm, Viggo.

Okay, I want specifics on that anti-snoring threat. Last night I resorted to elbow jabs and finally rolling the much-bigger-than-me man onto his side while muttering things like "Nuh-uh!" and "Oh, hell no!" I managed to pin him there a while and he stopped, but Jesus Louise, dude. I'm ready for a white noise machine.

Mmmmm, Viggo. *wanders off to happy place* Do you think he snores?

Edited at 2008-12-09 04:16 pm (UTC)
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
I had to explain that if he kept snoring, he would be banished to the laundry room with the cat boxes. It worked, miracle of miracles! (I also told him no beer last night, and I think that may have helped, too.)

If I can get Viggo to snore in bed with me, that meant I wore his ass out, which means I wouldn't care. :D
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Dec. 9th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC)
I have never farted on a massage table.

But I did fart the fart of a thousand trombones when I visited my gastrointestinal specialist 10 years ago. I had all this gas around my intestines from a leaking ulcer (pretty) and she gave me this nasty orange drink (barium, I think. Tasted like Tang and old lady pee). Then she politely excused herself.

"I'll be back in thirty minutes to check on you."
"Why 30 minutes?"
"Um...you may experience a need to...release."

I was confused, she left. Well, the rumbly in my tumbly began almost instantly and I ran to the bathroom and pooped until I could no longer poop. I figured I was done, but I wasn't, Laura. I wasn't. She comes back in (meanwhile, she is my friend Jeremy's mother. Their family photo is on her desk table.) and I'm smiling at her, telling her how much better I feel, when my bottom highly disagrees with my statement and I farted so loud the vinyl seat beneath me squeaked. I swear, I've never farted that long or that loud in my life and she just stares at me, through the whole thing, because it is still going. I am STILL FARTING, long enough for us to avert our eyes from one another until the damn thing stops.

Then she says, "Well, I guess we saw that coming considering how much gas was trapped in there."

I GUESS! I was mortified and any chance I might have had of having sex with Jeremy was ruined. Because I'm sure she told him everything.
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:33 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, did you really? I would have been so embarrassed, Beth. Oh woe to the loss of sex with Jeremy! I don't know who that is, so I can appropriate the right amount of shared woe with you.

Beth, I would have started crying, most likely. Do we need to go to Frys tomorrow? Maybe have a sammich and lunch or something?
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Dec. 9th, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC)
I started the poll thinking it was about friend massages and then I saw that it was about pro massages but I finished it anyway even though I have never had a pro massage.

But one of the lawyers in my office is giving office space for a client who's testing to be a massage therapist so she can do her test here, and we get free massages for that. I am psyched.

Those bathroom things look really fancy and expensive. I would be terrified of using them in case I broke them. o_o
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:58 pm (UTC)
I am fairly new to the world of pro-massages, but I now get one regularly every month and my body is so thankful. HUGE fan, and I highly recommend you cajole someone into getting you one for the holidays. *G* This potential hook up in your office sounds like the key to YOUR HAPPINESS, hee!

Oh, no! Don't be scared of beauty! The nice thing about high end fixtures is that they are all well made and can take a licking. I just want that sunken waterfall tub, so lovely!
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:20 pm (UTC)
I stopped after the first question since I've never had a massage, but *is amused* hee..

And oh those showers and such are pretty *wants* lol.
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
YOU MUST GET A PRO MASSAGE. YOU MUST. You'd go to the dentist, or doctor, wouldn't you? It's a health thing, honest engine. ;)

Aren't those bathrooms gorgeous?? I want one! *grabby hands*
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Dec. 9th, 2008 05:51 pm (UTC)
All the bath fixtures are beautiful, but I really love the egg shaped mirrors. That's a fix I could do inexpensively and it would look great.

We had vinyl wall paper in our kitchen. It was covered with blue flowers and milk jugs. Ick cubed. At least it came off in sheets with just wate, revealing purple and orange flowered paper beneath. That took two weeks to scrape down to the wall. My biceps looked great!

Dec. 9th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
I really like them, too. I have the original mirrors that came with the house - those boring sheets of glass held up by plastic holders. I HATE THEM. I have a really lovely framed mirror that needs a good home, but I need two of them. Hmmm.

Oh, I would have hated that paper, too! Nothing bugs me more than a "literal translation" of a room. Sailboats in a bathroom (or something else nautical) or roosters and cannisters on wallpaper, that sort of thing. Bleh.

TWO layers of wallpaper?! Good hell, that's a load of work. I bet it's so much nicer now that you have your design in there!
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:05 pm (UTC)
Oooh, Tiff got one of those in her eighth month and threw up everywhere. But she said she was completley relaxed when it happened.... Ahahahaha.

How can I make your friend Cherie love me? That is FANTASTIC. You need to take advantage of that, yes ma'am. It's SNOWING there?!? Holy crap! That is totally stew weather! We're having chili tonight, so maybe your cold will filter this way, too.
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC)
I never got what RPF stood for... *feels like noob*
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
No worries - you can't know everything, right? ;)

Real Person Fiction.

So, a story about James Marsters and Juliet Landau, not Spike and Drusilla.
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:46 pm (UTC)
I hate massages. They pretty much always hurt. I got a few from a pro friend in Lawrence years ago and once i drilled it into his head that yes, i really meant *lighter than that*, it was okay. Maybe it was the sauna and hot tub before hand, though. I don't....really like being touched all that much, either.

I suspect that if you are...*cough*...flatulent in the massage room, it's not the most horrible thing ever, but just 'one of those things'. If, however, your bodily secretions are canceling out the tasteful incense and making the candles burn blue, perhaps you should attempt to deal with it before, as really, nobody *wants* to deal with that if they don't have to.
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:53 pm (UTC)
I think you might be the only person I've ever heard say they hate massages! But if you have sensitive skin/nerves, I can see why being touched for an hour would suck.

Ahahahaha to the changing the color of the flames. HEE! This is why I am glad I'm a LADY. Ladies don't fart. HAHAHA.
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Dec. 9th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
I'm getting a massage on Saturday as a birthday present to myself. Best birthday present ever.

Jason and I have one of those rain shower heads and it is fabulous. (Except when rinsing the shower after cleaning, usually, I got get a bucket or cup to help with that.) I hate showering at other people's houses now.
Dec. 9th, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
I bought a "membership" at a massage parlor (whatever they're called, haha) and I get one every month now. Prior to that, I've had maybe three massages in my life. I approve of massages as gifts!

Oooh, I love those shower heads. One of our plans is to gut our bathroom and put in a beautiful glass tile/glass walled shower with that kind of shower head. BLISS.
Dec. 9th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, Viggo in Eastern Promises, it omg hot!!!!!!! I thought that story was one amazing piece of storytelling, and then there's Viggo. *wink*
Dec. 9th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
He is absolutely DELICIOUS, that Viggo. Yes, indeedy.
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Dec. 9th, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
Those tubs are quite amazing. As a big fan of taking baths, I approve.

So, about Viggo: my most cherished fantasy is to bump into him somewhere and he will suddenly realize I'm the person he's been missing his whole life without knowing it. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT'S PATHOLOGICAL. Oddly enough, I just rewatched Eastern Promises last week myself, and him speaking Russian will NEVER get old. A good friend of mine also speaks Russian (also to me that is) and when this movie first came out we both practically exploded into our atomic composition over him switching from Russian to Ukrainian to talk to the sex slave. Omg, how does this dude exist?
Dec. 9th, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
I would possibly never leave the bathtub if I had that last one. Outdoors? Beautiful glass everywhere? sunken tub with gentle water sounds??? YES.

VIGGO MAKES ME ACHE. He speaks five languages fluently, I know that much. (Oooh, your CW verse that you wrote with Hackthis? With Viggo in it? It makes my chest ache. No lie.)

He is everyfuckingthing a man should be, hands down. He is utterly fantastic in every way.
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Dec. 9th, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
Eastern Promises rocked my socks! Viggo is a god. And Kolya/Kirill is a deliciously hurty, totally terminal angstapalooza of a pairing. (For which there is very little fic but some of it is good. :D )

You may be interested to know that the Topless Male Mormon calender got a mention in one of the UK's Saturday papers this weekend - as one of the items on a list of what not to buy as a seasonal gift. Also included were a 'Jesus Shaves' mug, with a tacky pic of him holding scissors and a razor, sporting a beard that disappears when you fill the mug with hot water. Also, a key fob programmed with about a dozen different blessings so you'll never be caught unprepared when sitting down to a meal. Trufax. Hee!
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:06 pm (UTC)
HEEEE! That missionary calendar made the rounds, huh? That Jesus shaving mug is hilarious! Oh, how I love blasphemous rumours gifts. ;)
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
Farting at the masseusse (sp?)?? for sooth, Stoney! bwahh.

Also, re Easter Promises.
I LOVED that film. Loved it. Viggo is just...He blew my mind. along those lines, if you haven't seen it yet, A History of Violence is terrific. Viggo, Ed Harris, Maria Bello, and William Hurt (in an Oscar worthy performance, I swear!) all are wonderful in it. I highly rec it.
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:12 pm (UTC)
Eastern Promises was the only movie of his I hadn't seen yet, and I was blown away by him in A History Of Violence, too. He's just astounding.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 10th, 2008 02:33 am (UTC)
Hi Hi! Oooh, I can't recommend regular massages enough. I finally listened to people and started getting one every month. What a DIFFERENCE! And they're not very expensive nowadays, so I say go for it!

Weren't those Legos amazing?! I just love people's ingenuity. And hahaha, I've already started on the laptop overhaul, and since my b-i-l knows NOTHING about computers, it'll be even more fun to watch him try and figure out how to make his computer stop talking to him. HEEEEEEEEE.

*goes to turn off the laptop* "What are you doing, Dave?"
*tries to just log off, then* "I'm sorry, but I can't allow it."

Dec. 10th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
Yes! Not to pooting, to Viggo.
Dec. 10th, 2008 02:31 am (UTC)
Don't even try and convince me that you don't poot the theme song to Buffy. I WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU.
Dec. 10th, 2008 05:19 am (UTC)
O_O Er...did not know what RPF was; clicked on it at work. Please to be worksafe-warning next time? Thank you!

Also: brain bluescreened after seeing those waterfall bathtubs. WANT. Badly.

And now I want a massage. Hmmm. Christmas is coming up...

(PS: Shiatsu totally loosens everything up. Ahem.)
Dec. 10th, 2008 01:14 pm (UTC)
?? The name of the comm was a good clue, even if you didn't know what real person fiction was, imo.

I want one of those waterfall bathtubs SO BADLY. So peaceful and beautiful. True fact: every beautiful modern house with an outdoor garden/pool/lounge that I've fallen in love with is in Australia. Clearly I need to move there, too.

You need a massage! Massages for everyone!!
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( 77 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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