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Thanks so much for all the funny and sweet comments on both my last post and the Valentine's Love Meme. I have some good friends out there. (I loved reading that post and seeing all the nice things people have to say about each other. It reminds me that not everyone's a nut job. Well, dovil is, but she can't help where she's from, bless her heart. Hee.)

1. I won't post any real spoilers for this past week's Big Love, but I will say that my jaw DROPPED when the C-story line with the "papers" that the Good Mormon Brother In Law wanted to collect from the Juniper Creek folks started. Guys, that stuff really happened. It was a HUGE black eye for the LDS church. Now, they just threw that info in the background to get the B-plot moving, but if they keep it up, that's the Mark Hoffman Salamander Papers story.

In a nutshell, Mark Hoffman was a con artist and a master forger, even though he was raised devoutly Mormon by an old-school pilgrim family. Through a series of letters, shady contacts, etc., he let the church leaders at the time know that he was in possession of Actual Historical Documents - and that Joseph Smith didn't have an angel come before him in his bedroom, but a glowing white salamander. And the church panicked and tried to buy them, because it was JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO BE TRUE.

There was a "reformed Egyptian document" (the secret language the Golden Plates were written in, the same ones that a noted historian told Joseph Smith was bullshit and made up when Joe was first trying to peddle his Divine Document) that was dated prior to Smith. This would prove to the masses that Joe Smith copied this and tried to pass it off as his own. (Keep in mind that THIS is fake, too. Hey, Mark was raised in the religion of a master forger and con-man too, amirite?) The church bought anything this guy sold them, trying to bury everything. Aww, how thoughtful to the sheep, er, flock. Hiding documents that well, they were fake, but the church thought they were real.

Now, the thing that drives me nuts about all of this is how the Church claimed that this was FURTHER PROOF of their truthfulness, etc., in an effort to save face. Hugh Nibley was the Church's water-carrier at the time and a well educated man. Note that having a lot of time in chairs and degrees after your name doesn't make you smart. He went public and said that the "reformed Egyptian" doc was further proof, sent by god to them, reinforcing the One True Church and blah blah blah. And it was written by a 20 something so he could get some bucks. So divine, suuuuure. (And before you jump in with "but the ____ church-!" I'm talking about the LDS church. Obviously EVERY major religion has their forgeries, lies, etc.)

Remember that South Park episode where Martin Harris' wife Lucy (smart smart smart!) took the first 116 pages of the "translated Golden Plates" and hid them to try and get Joseph Smith to prove he was making it up as he went? That was ultimately Mark Hoffman's goal - to recreate that. So Mark Hoffman was well schooled in the myths of his church, had lost his faith, and wanted to rub the leaders' noses in it. (And people say I'M mean!)

He tricked the leaders into claiming that all that made up crap was real, and they spent weeks trying to reword things to make it fit into their established dogma. (For those that have been following along, remember how I keep telling you that the Church constantly tweaks their dogma? This is one of those times. "Yes, the white salamander was the Angel Moroni, but you see, Joseph wasn't tested yet, so God sent him in a more pleasing form to not frighten him. Er... Or a "salamander" at that time in history was the best approximation for a mythical being that, um, you see, in pre-Victorian times, people didn't... Damn." And that person was Dallin H. Oaks, the biggest jackass in the church. [glee] BTW, he's the one that says the biggest threat to the church is "intellectuals, feminists, and homosexuals." UH, BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU'RE A LIAR?

DAMN! one thing I forgot to talk about, and I have GOT to add this to my book, is the Three Witnesses. [cracks knuckles] In the Book of Mormon, Jesus comes to the Americas. This is about 3/4 of the way through the book, by the way. At any rate, three men (the Jewish Indians) are so overcome with Christ's message that they ask for immortality so they can walk among men until the Second Coming and stand as witnesses for Jesus and testify. Long-term missionaries, in other words, with a Highlander twist. (Except no head loping - There can only be one! Except for how there are three.) Hoffman claimed to have written documents from two of these immortal beings. Uh, okay. He got money for all of these in the tens of THOUSANDS of dollars each, then leaked to the press that they were being bought by the church instead of letting the church just buy them and shove them in a lock box, never to see the light of day. That way, the church would have to scramble to talk about what they had, what it meant, etc. He started up bidding wars between splinter groups of the church (the RLDS, tiny little group that claimed Joe Smith's son should have been prophet, and the main church in particular.)

Ultimately the jig was up, and he sent letter bombs to try and cover his ass, killing two people, and almost blowing himself up, too. He's serving life in prison.

So yeah. If they go through with some of these story lines onBig Love, and they've been really good about all this obscure insider stuff, now you're in the know, too. :) Oh! So my dad was on the "intellectual Mormon lecture circuit" during all of this, and they were having the time of their lives with all of this "fact" coming to light, further explaining things they had long believed, and so on. There was major egg on every Mormon's face during the 80s, let me tell you.

Stephen Colbert played a Hoffman-type on Law and Order, by the way. For those of you who want to whomp on Trivial Pursuit.

2. I'm not some 50s haus frau that longs to have the Pod Kitchen of Tomorrow (except for how freaking cool would that be? hahaha, that was one of my all-time fave Tex Avery shorts.) where you just add water or shove your dishes into a glass box in the counter and out comes a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, but I have been the happiest of haus fraus since Sunday. My in laws loaned me their industrial steam cleaner, and I have been going crazy with the cleaning. Oh my god, my floors are so clean you could have a baby on them. But don't, because that's a big mess. Today I'm going to use the grout attachment and go crazy nuts. Sterile environment! Pristine showers! No filth from my children present anywhere! Well, until they all track it in again, but still! THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE IS STEAM. Ahahaha. It's going to be so sparkling you'll think Billy Mays has been shouting the filth away.

3. I've scheduled my nasal surgery for next Monday and I'm stoked! They're going to inflate my coffee-straw sized sinuses with balloons, they're going to cut my septum up and fix that, and they're going to kit me up with loads of drugs. Life is going to be SWEET. And painful. But hey, I've passed two kidney stones, broken my knee cap, and had natural child birth. Bring it on, yo.

4. I have my SXSW film badge, I have my hotel booked, and I have a four day vacation complete with movie premiere coming up in mid-March. \o/ Let's hope the swelling has gone down by a month from now. :D

5. I've started watching Oz from the beginning, and holy crap, I never ever ever want to go to prison. That should be required viewing for every teenage boy on earth. "Want to be someone's bitch and wear mesh? DO YOU?" No one should be forced to wear a mesh top. That's inhumane. And I just finished S1 and ALBY is a prison guard? The wheel keeps on turning and turning and turning and... nothing's disturbing the way it goes around... (see what I did there? *G*)

For fun check the similarities. (And who caught McPoyle as the priest on House? I love Jimmi Simpson, the poor man's Spader.)

Comments

( 65 comments — Leave a comment )
roonilwazlib6
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:23 pm (UTC)
Ah, Oz. Naked/gay Christopher Meloni. =P
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
I remember when the show was wrapping up that a lot of my flist loooooved the fic coming out, but I have to say that this is a show that I don't think I could HANDLE the fic/fandom. It's such a gut punch every week. I love the show, but man. It's a soul killer.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
Re: big love
HBO, Sunday nights. Season 3 is airing right now.
melbournegirl
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
I love that story. I watched a documentary on the forged papers and eventually the FBI figured out they were fakes because the ink had microscopic cracks from the bleach that was used.

I saw that Law & Order as well, and immediately knew which headline the story was ripped from.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:34 pm (UTC)
Isn't that a great story?? ANd that people believed in those documents?!

Things were very tense in my [former] church during the early 80s, that's for sure. People believed the End Was Near. Blacks had been given the priesthood, false prophets were being shown, and then there were the murders in SLC of that woman and her baby - detailed in "Under The Banner" and two missionaries were hacked to bits in Austin, TX...

Bad times.
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turnonmyheels
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:36 pm (UTC)
I'm halfway through season 4 of Oz and I FUCKING LOVE IT. I think you're right on the money about required viewing for teenage boys.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:40 pm (UTC)
I'm just now starting S2. I've watched it before, just not every ep and not in order, so this is very enlightening. And it's pretty damn raw. Did you ever see "American Me?" You'll never be able to look at Edward James Olmos the same again, fair warning. Yow - prison = a place I never want to be.
underthethrow
Feb. 17th, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC)
number 3 made me lol so hard. i love the way you write.

also, the only thing i've ever seen Jimmi Simpson in is D.E.B.S. (a wonderful campy spoofy spy flick), and he is kind of creepy/gross sexy. And he is hilarious.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! [beats chest] I'm strong like bull. In Soviet Russia, septum deviates YOU.


Oh, I forgot he was in DEBS! I just love his character in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - he improved the whole milk thing, which never fails to crack me up.
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thebratqueen
Feb. 17th, 2009 04:09 pm (UTC)
Personally I want one of those kitchens that's equipped for the jello delivery man.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
YES! And one for Chicken Kiev - a nice little slot for that to come through on avocado green casserole dishes. :D
treebee
Feb. 17th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
Grout is EVOL! Why does it have to be so hard to clean?!?

Good luck with your surgery.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Grout is the stuff that holds devils and hell in place, trufax. BUT! Oh my dear blessed nachos, this steamer is blasting all the junk out and it is LIKE NEW. <3 <3 <3

Thank you very much!!
minstrel666
Feb. 17th, 2009 04:53 pm (UTC)
Haha, so many things to comment on, so much thesis (so close to "feces") left to write...

1. I love forgery stories! Forgeres to me are the Einstein's of crime: insane primadonnas who do amazing things. I recommend the "I was Vermeer" book for some techniques on painting forgery, BTW.

2. I am dreading the time when I come back to Krakow, because it will be my cleaning and Ukrainians have allegedly raided our house again.

3. Ouch, ouch, ouch!

4. With a couple of my friends, we compiled a small list of things to do when we strike it rich - among them are go to an American movie or fantasy convention. Preferably while on an American tour in some sort of muscle car.

5. Ah, yes... if you want that on a more lighthearted note, watch the Boondocks episode "A Date with the Health Inspector". Me, I'll just dread the inevitable moment I am locked away when communist come to power in Poland again.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC)
1. He forged some other things too, like a letter from Emily Dickenson and famously forged a rare coin that he was able to appraise. That was when he was a kid. O_O

2. And you know what they say about Ukrainians and the cleaning... (Hahaha, I don't even know what I'm saying.)

3. [beats chest] STRONG LIKE BULL!

4. I highly recommend you do that! SXSW is totally awesome, btw. Music, film, books, all in the really cool city of Austin.

5. If that happens, I'll send you a book with a hollowed out saw to bust you out of prison, comrade!
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windstar
Feb. 17th, 2009 05:05 pm (UTC)
I LOVE Jimmi Simpson! Glad to hear about the steamer, I need one of those (2 dogs + 6 cats = big messes sometimes). I am still waiting on my badge for SXSW, now they are telling us that we might not get "as many as we thought we would"......bastards.

I just started reading Salamander: The Story of the Mormon Forgery Murders, and so far it is very interesting. Amazing that he was able to get by with so much!
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 05:53 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh, I love this thing so much I made the Mr. go online and buy us one. (go to Frontgate.com)

Oh, wow, really? Talk about a coincidence! It's really astounding, Mark Hoffman. He's considered the best there's been.
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pepperlandgirl4
Feb. 17th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
Wasn't Hoffman exposed by um...oh, I can't remember their names. They were way, way anti-Mormon, and pointing out that Hoffman had created forgeries actually hurt their cause? Tanners, maybe?
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 05:54 pm (UTC)
Yeah, Sandra Tanner and her husband, er... Jeff? Something like that. Interestingly enough, they WEREN'T anti-Mormon when they started exposing Hoffman. They became disenchanted with the church during the time frame of everything coming to light, though. up until then they were active members of the church.
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irreparable
Feb. 17th, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
The Three Witnesses thing is fascinating. Fascinating, b.c that's not what we were told in Sunday School. We were told that the three blokes wandering around forever and ever amen were actually three of Jesus' original disciples, not overcome-with-the-message American Indians. I wonder why they left that part out. Hm.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 07:31 pm (UTC)
WHOA. That they were Matthew Mark and John?? Yeah, in ... Nephi 3? That's where they are. I'll look it up later, but they were on the American continent. I mean, they were if you believe that. :D
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 07:31 pm (UTC)
he's a great actor - he only has a few moments where you'll look at him and think of milk. :D
lynnenne
Feb. 17th, 2009 07:00 pm (UTC)
I want a kitchen in which I insert a bunch of grapes into a machine and out comes a bottle of 1945 Chateau LaTour. But then I shouldn't talk about such things in your LJ because I know it only makes your recovery more difficult, you poor dear.
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 07:30 pm (UTC)
Won't you PLEASE consider my crippling addictions?!?!

*cries*
*cuts*
*finally, FINALLY feels*


*for now*
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chrryblssmninja
Feb. 17th, 2009 07:23 pm (UTC)
But hey, I've passed two kidney stones, broken my knee cap, and had natural child birth. Bring it on, yo.
haha go get 'em! you'll survive and come out strong!


oh my gosh Jimmi Simpson was on House? playing a priest? haha excellent
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC)
I WILL COME BACK BIONIC!! :D

He was! Last night's ep, very good ep, too.
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kseenaa
Feb. 17th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
Big Love.... Now thats a show I would love to see.... But I doubt it'll arrive to Sweden...
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
I think they show clips on HBO.com, but I don't know if you can access that in Europe.
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demonqueen666
Feb. 17th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
Stephen Colbert played a Hoffman-type on Law and Order, by the way. For those of you who want to whomp on Trivial Pursuit.

Oh my god, I remember that episode!! Mainly I was wigging out at the time because...it was Stephen Colbert. On L&O:CI.

(God, I love playing "spot the nowadays more well-known actor in their obligatory crime procederal program victim/killer/suspect of the week role". I actually ran downstairs to show my mom, that time. "Mom, MOM!! LOOK AT THE TV!!" "What is it...is THAT WHO I THINK IT IS??" "YEAH!! I KNOW, RIGHT?!" Good times.)
stoney321
Feb. 17th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
Isn't that Crazy that Colbert played such a nutjob? I love that man.
dovil
Feb. 17th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
I'm madly sprinting through lj before I have to get back to work (I know! What's with that?!) but just wanted to take some time out to drool and beatmy fists against the side of my head and tell you how purty you smell.

Also good luck with your renal surgery!
maybe1ce
Feb. 17th, 2009 09:28 pm (UTC)
Maybe it's just me, but when I hear about "intellectuals, feminists, and homosexuals," my first thought is "I want to be friends with THOSE people! That's a Three for Three COOL RATING!"

Somehow, I suspect that response is not what Mr. Oaks was going for.
ellid
Feb. 18th, 2009 12:24 am (UTC)
Wait, what? They actually retold the Mark Hofmann story? I don't get premium channels so didn't see it...how far did they go? Did they include the stuff with Steve Christensen and Gary Sheets?

[local connection: the town library over in Amherst, about ten miles from here, bought a forged Emily Dickinson poem that turned out to be a Hofmann. Really!]
stoney321
Feb. 18th, 2009 12:51 am (UTC)
oh, that Emily Dickinson forgery is legend!

They've just started the story line, that someone has some very important documents about the history of the church that they'd like to see buried. I hope they keep on with it!
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soundingsea
Feb. 18th, 2009 04:16 am (UTC)
Wow, Big Love really does their research. That's some pretty scary backstory. Oh, religion. So much crazy.
enigmaticblues
Feb. 18th, 2009 04:00 pm (UTC)
Confession: I love reading crazy!people stories, particularly when it has to do with crazy religious people. I mean, I'm religious, but I like to think about things. And the LDS and FLDS has some truly crazy stories.
marenfic
Feb. 19th, 2009 02:35 am (UTC)
Mmm, nasal surgery. That sounds like FUN! Just don't get addicted like a Jackson.

Why have we never talked about Big Love? That's just crazy.
stoney321
Feb. 19th, 2009 02:54 pm (UTC)
You know me with my addictions! I'm going to have them put in some implants in my arm pits to help hold my arms up. I just get so tired of holding my own arms out, you know?

HI BB. I didn't know you were watching Big Love?!? Girlfriend, I've been watching that one like a HAWK. They have done their research from the beginning to the point where I have to look away because I think I might know some of the people they're referring to. YEESH.

ILUMAREN. <3 <3 <3
( 65 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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