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1. I've been pretending that there are fwoomp tubes (technically called pneumatic tubes, but I prefer my moniker) that shoot food to those I love (or ME, which technically falls in the same category, har) and THERE USED TO BE FOOD FWOOMP TUBES! Oh, Science, why can't we go back to the glory days?!
2. If you have a "bucket list," you're going to need to get everything crossed off by September because Tom Hanks will be flipping the power switch to Cern's Large Hadron Collider. This has a Steven Spielberg disaster movie written all over it. We're going to need a bigger boat earth. I don't have too many problems with ol' Hanks, but... why him? Why not, say, the awesome Honda Robot to signify the taking over of earth by Cyberdyne's renegade machines the wave of the future? And now I have "Kick boxing? Sport of the future?" in my head, which isn't a bad thing. This is my brain on drugs. Drugs = oatmeal and coffee.
3. I am getting everything organized before my surgery on Monday morning as a) my husband will be out of town on business b) there are many things going on with the kids and c) my sister is coming up to take care of things for a few days while I ride the white pony. I mean, while I recoup.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not having "medically necessary nasal surgery," I'm going to rehab. All that coke did its number on me.* Plus, I'm getting elective plastic surgery. Things I'm getting tweaked:

  • breast implants, but for my shoulder blades. I'll never need a pillow again!
  • knife inserts under my fingernails - not for fighting evil, but for package/mail opening ease
  • a sympathy ridge between my eyes - I won't have to actually care about things, but I'll look like I care. [taps temple] Time saver de-luxe.
  • tracheotomy - I wanna scare my kids straight about smoking. I'll have to take up smoking, but it'll be worth it, right?
  • liposuction, but only on the backs of my knees. If you can't see the veins when the swelling has gone down, then I won't feel thin.
  • extra liver so I can drink more. Party at my place, whooo!
  • dental implants in the form of saber-teeth. I'm bringing it back Pleistocene style!

Feel free to offer up suggestions for body additions/subtractions while I'm getting everything for the low low rate of my after deductible costs. :D After today I'll be radio silent for a while, so if any of you are coming over here from my Twilight posts (there's been a rash of comments there again) I don't care that you love those books. Go crazy nuts. Just not here. :)

* I am being sarcastic.

[ETA] I think I'm going to ask for the Jocelyn Widlenstein treatment, but I'll ask for a bull dog's mug so she and I can fight on Pay Per View!


( 64 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 19th, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
I hope everything goes well!
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you, sweets! <3
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
As soon as I finish my thesis tonight, I'll start on the next Project MAPLE Twilight review - maybe I'll bait the hungry wolves away from you.

And if we're doing unnecessary surgery, can I suggest metal brainpan? If you do it just right, you can receive radio transmissions!

Also, as my ex-roomie once said "Large Hadron Collider... what a stupid name for a stargate".

Chevron one, engaged!
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
Oooh. Metal brainpan! It would have the added benefit of leaving me more zombie-proof, too. Maybe I could get a USB port put on it and then I could download my thoughts, save more space for staring off into nothing?

Hahahaha - it's TOTALLY a stargate. (I even wrote a little fic about that very thing, hee.)
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:19 pm (UTC)
I've actually seen someone smoking through their trach hole... it was....odd....
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:21 pm (UTC)
My grandfather used to do that! Blech. I got a couple of boyfriends to quit smoking after introducing them to my Papa. (He also had... bits removed due to smoking-related gangrene. Man bits.) O_O
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
Oh good god... Breast Implant Shoulder Pillows sound DIVINE! I might steal that idea but get them in my lower back, so I never have to use a lumbar pillow with my desk chair again!!! :D

Ahhh... Talk about time savers!

Have a wonderful, productive surgery, and don't forget to wear clean panties devoid of rips and tears. Just in case. *nods*

Feb. 19th, 2009 04:32 pm (UTC)
It's either breast implants on my back or under my armpits. I just get tired of holding my arms out on the occasional need, and that would solve that problem.

CLEAN PANTIES: check. I hope my doc won't need to get to my sinuses via panty-duct.... O_O

Hahahaha, and THANK YOU!
... - abusing_sarcasm - Feb. 19th, 2009 04:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:29 pm (UTC)
I'll be praying for you while you're in rehab during your surgery and recovery. *rests my head on your shoulder blade breast*
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:33 pm (UTC)
*smooches you all over your face and neck* Thank you, babycakes!

And seriously, wouldn't you love to hug someone from behind and have boobs for your face to rest on AND for your hands to hold? I'm a giver, what can I say.
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:37 pm (UTC)
Have fun with those drugs!

How about heel implants? Like having heeled shoes on, but instead you have comfy gel support! And an extra two inches in height!

Or maybe tiny wings, those could be fun....
*twirls you*

Don't forget to bring something to read/write/do while you lie in bed all doped up and stuffed full of gauze. And your own pillow, perhaps, as hospital pillows suck.

And music.

Be pain free, come home soon!
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:44 pm (UTC)
HEEL IMPLANTS. My first thought was to have them in cork, for comfort, but if I go with steel, I can make straps that affix across my foot with magnets. Insta-Blahniks! :D

One of my tasks today and tomorrow is to organize reading/DVD material for that very thing. *nods* Thank you very much, hahahaha, I'll be home soon! :D
... - tabaqui - Feb. 19th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 19th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - tabaqui - Feb. 19th, 2009 04:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
Here's wishing you a speedy recovery!
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:45 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks, toots! <3
... - enigmaticblues - Feb. 19th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 19th, 2009 04:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
Of course it will be "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew." I hope you get a fun gang of D-list celebrities!
Feb. 19th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Ooooh, I want to be on that! He can ask me why I felt the need to model my face after a wolverine. "There's just some unspoken NEED in me to resemble a ferocious forest animal, Dr. Drew."
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
Thinking good
thoughts for you!

Oh, and Hanks is turning it on because he's in the movie based on Angels and Demons (by the DaVinci Code guy...I forgot his name). There's actually quite a bit about the collider in the beginning of the book.

Speedy recovery!!!

Feb. 19th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Thinking good
I know why they've asked him to be there, it's just... that's pretty flimsy. There should be an actual scientist, imo. Also, I'm very Anti-Dan Brown. :)

Thank you for the well wishes!! <3
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)

Angelina-style lip implants.

Good luck with the surgery and enjoy the good drugs!
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
EXCELLENT IDEA! I want a split lip like a llama, too. Eye catching!

Thank you very much! *hugs*
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:28 pm (UTC)
Aww, good luck to you, I'll be sending good vibes to the docs for a very successful surgery! Er, and to you, hobviously. That extra mug of tea = NOT HELPING! *makes Starbucks plans*

No cankle-implant surgery? I hear those really catch Bill Clinton's eye. :(

Edited at 2009-02-19 05:28 pm (UTC)
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
Oooh, cankles. What if I modded that concept by making inflatable pouches around my ankles? In the winter time, I could fill them with hot soup. Beautiful AND efficient!

*imagines jogging with the sloshing sound*

THANK YOU SUGAR BEET. I want the docs to have smart hands, so I like your first idea a LOT. :D <3 <3 <3
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC)
When you get the trach, be sure to smoke through the neck hole, a la Andy Garcia in Dead Again. Really plays up the horrifyingness of addiction to cigs.

(PS: you kill me, chica.)
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:57 pm (UTC)
I'll be sure to do that! My papa used to do that with his. While hooked up to his oxygen tank, no lie. Uh, he wasn't a smart man.

(Hahahaha, yay!) :D
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
You should get a sparkly skin graft, I'm sure Edward would gladly donate his skin.

PS Good luck with your surgery, I hope you have a speedy recovery. *hugs*
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:58 pm (UTC)
Sparkle skin, how could I have missed that?! I want it on my neck to better attract vampires.

Thank you very much! XOXOX
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
Cliche, but there's always the eyes in the back of your head surgery. Could be useful :)

I hope the surgery goes over smoothly!
Feb. 19th, 2009 05:59 pm (UTC)
Better than that, because let's face it: I won't cut my hair, I could get a periscope attachment to my optic nerve so I can get a full 360 view any time I needed!

...unless someone invents Mad Eye Mooney's magical eye, that is. That would come in handy. :D

Thank you so much!
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:01 pm (UTC)
breast implants, but for my shoulder blades. I'll never need a pillow again!

Genius! Or just one implant where your tailbone is, then you can lean back comfy always.

Oh and random fact, but apparently Stevie Nicks did so much coke she did blow out her septum. She has a dime sized hole in it.

Hope everything goes well!
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
Lumbar support, smart! There have been LOADS of musicians that did that to their nose! Mick Jagger nad Keith Richards did it, too. Bleh.

Thank you, me too!
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:29 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, I would NEVER have plastic surgery. I get why people do that, but that is NOT for me. I like my four arm stumps protruding from my hip bone. Hahahaha.

I WON'T! Except for my pants, because I like hygiene.
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC)
You rock, hands down!
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:54 pm (UTC)
No, you do! :D
... - kseenaa - Feb. 19th, 2009 07:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
Get yourself a prostate! Then you can ridicule the skeery!wrong!bad!porn with actual, anecdotal evidence. :D

I hope your surgeon(s) have light touches, fast hands, and no scotch for breakfast.

Good luck!
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:55 pm (UTC)
EXCELLENT. I will have to look into that! My new compass rose - I like it! :D

Thank you thank you, and I second that emotion.
Feb. 19th, 2009 07:09 pm (UTC)
pneumatic tubes are awesome.
Feb. 19th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
They are SO awesome. FWOOMP!
Feb. 19th, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC)
You told me I was helping you out next week because you failed as a mother and you drink too much. Why are you lying to all of these people?

Also, I'm bringing the Carlo Rossi jug-style so we can drink like lushes.

Also times two, I say amid those surgeries you also get Bell's Palsy on the side of your face so that when you talk and smile, it always looks like you're telling someone a secret.
Feb. 19th, 2009 10:02 pm (UTC)
You know what? You clearly can't keep a secret. you got that rock I need? I suck yo dick!

GIrl, you need to call me! BAM!
Feb. 19th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
You should get gills so that when you're chugging down bottles of wine you don't have to stop to breathe.

Good luck getting your nose rebuilt with Steve Austin spare parts - don't sneeze! I'll light a candle for you and offer prayers up to the nasal gods for your speedy recovery.

Tom Hanks is flipping the switch?! Well, I guess he is a world renowned scientiest...
Feb. 19th, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
GILLS! Genius!

THANK YOU for getting why I'm baffled at Hanks being involved. He's a ssciencetician.
Feb. 19th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
I just woke up, so ... you're off for a few weeks to turn on the LHC with your nose implants? Okay!

Have lots of septum fun, honeybun. Just know that my older sister has lost her mind and become a Twilight loon, and she wants me to go see the movie, and I will probably go see the movie and in your absence will be turned to the Dark Sparkly Side.
Feb. 19th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)

Another fallen sister!! I'll light a candle for your soul...
Feb. 19th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
Good luck getting your new nose! Think of how much coke you'll be able to snort when it's all done.

Speedy recovery, honey. We'll miss you 'round these parts. And all our other parts.
Feb. 19th, 2009 10:27 pm (UTC)
Oh, just OODLES of dust! I'm going to do a Scarface and just drop my face straight into a huge mountain of it, wheee!

Yeah, spleens are big with me. I don't know why, I always assumed I was more appealing to pancreases. Who knew?

Side note, I had a FABULOUS bordeaux last night: St. Georges- St. Emilion, 2003. Absolutely delish. I can only find it at this one shop here, I'm not having luck anywhere else. :\
... - lynnenne - Feb. 19th, 2009 10:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 19th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
Well, while you're having some nose work done, why not have an elephant trunk installed? It'd be that third hand mothers always need and you'd be able to pick things up in the garden without bending down. I sure there are some erotic possibilities, too.
Feb. 19th, 2009 11:26 pm (UTC)
As usual I have nothing helpful to add; I just wanted to say reading this was a loltastic way to end a crummy workday! Thanks for the giggles! :-)

Oh, and lots of positive thoughts coming your way for the surgery & recovery.
Feb. 19th, 2009 11:45 pm (UTC)
Aww, I'm so glad you ended your crappy day on a laughing note, hurrah!

And thanks so much for that!
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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