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Bad Fic and Gud Summries

I was going to post about why I've been absent, blah blah blah, but I have some GOLD to share. Since this this blog is getting more public, whether I want it to or not (hi there, linked on Cracked? Can you guys hire me, pls?) I think I'll keep writing the focus over here.

WARNING: at the end of the summary portion is some bad-fic writing I've come across, and it is not work safe. HOWEVER! Because I realize that a lot of you aren't into dirty words and laughter (which saddens me to my core, those are my favorite things!) I've got them in Invisio-text, meaning you'll need to hit CTRL + A to read it. Safe as kittens! Older posts (if you hit the tags for this one) are NOT WORK SAFE. I'll eventually go back and tweak the naughty words, or something, but for now know this: I cuss, other people cuss, and the internet is filled with Bad Things that I like to laugh at. :)

In my quest to become published, I'm learning the fine art of writing a query, which ultimately is your hook to get someone to read your story. What you are about to read serves as an example of how to NOT WRITE A SUMMARY/QUERY/HOOK. Every thing is exactly as it was written originally, misspellings, crazy punctuation (or lack of) and awesomely bad ideas.

Every Good Story Needs A Good Hook to Sell Itself. These Are Neither of Those Things.

  • A good girl breaks a school rule and ends up with a humiliating punishment...six weeks of total nudity. Can she survive? Could anyone? (Um.... nudists could?)

  • I scream alone.

  • Hm, sorta making this up as I go along... Let's see what happens, shall we?

  • Kicks in the crotch, punches in the face...what am I missing? (...plot?)

  • No one ever thought that things would turn out like this. It was just an island with a city. But it wasn't the island or the city they wanted to get away from. It was what was beyond the city. (And... correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't that be THE ISLAND?)

  • A very strange story. I wish I could tell you more but I can't. Even I don't know what's goin on.

  • The girl dumbly selected an e-mal and typed in a formal "Hi."

  • Everything is different. Everyone is different. You are different. I am different. Our beginnings are different. Can we still be the same? (maybe my favorite, because it's so different.)

  • Jake and Nessie have grown an abusive relationship. What if Nessie has had enough? What about afterwords? Who is Alex? What does Ethan have to do with this story?

  • After a suspicious accident Franki Sarnage is left to remould her life around her amnesia. Once you throw in giant boys with secrets and strange events with no explanation, Franki finds falling in love and falling off cliffs come hand in hand.

  • I ran towards the screaming. Feeling the heat rush through my spine and spread out towards my limbs. The lengths of my footfalls increased the tremble down my spine became too much and I jumped into the air, headfirst. (...again, correct me if I'm wrong but if you're standing up, and you jump up, your head can't help but be first, right?)

  • edwards and bellas graphical moments.

  • She had never met him, and he had never met her. But as she walked off that plane, he new [sic] then that he was going to marry her one day. And he did. (The end.)

  • With the girls pregnant, the last thing they need is a murderer stalking them. (I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's generally the last thing ANYONE needs.)

  • The sweet nectar that was her life filled the room with the delicious aroma. Craving the sweetness, I brought the scent into my lungs, letting my throat burst into flames.

  • Bella Alice & Rosalie are princess. that were sent away to america because of the stunt they did in the engagement patry. while their best friend tries to help them. as well as medling mary their strap-sisters tries to make them miserable. enjoy! (Okay. You're Bjork holding a stuffed penguin and a statue of a wallaby - now re-read this while tip-toeing through a room of muffins, GO!)

  • Summery inside! (Good, because I love summer!)

  • Just another morning right. of course not because something happens.

  • Bella, Edward, and some freak in a kennel, which i didn't spell right, named Kate, all in the hippie van, a camp chant type thing for pyros, mushrooms, both the drug kind and the...um, edible kind, schizophrenia, and...whatever. What can go wrong?

  • Edwards ALMOST losses control and TICKED OFF!

  • This is a story I thought of when Edward said how it was had not to go back and kill them Well it's too late now.

  • The girl who was forgotten but never really forgotten. When Ileana comes to Forkes She comes carrying a secret that my but the whole town in danger.

  • A list of hypothesizes in story form.

  • He bent down to my ear, his lips barely touching it. "If the skies mourn, do not portray your definition of the rain." And with that he vanished out of sight.




In the "Most Romantic Confessions" Category:

"I have found you eerily attractive for a long time now. I have been denying it a long time but now I've just grown to accept it. I might be bi."



In the "I Don't Understand the Obsession With Bovines" Category:

  • "Dear Dairy, please accept my most sincere apologies..."

  • "I have never seen anything like it - sure, I have spotted my friends wielding their own, yet mine has a certain design that makes the dairy exquisitely beautiful." (And you have amazingly strong friends, too, if they can hold aloft an entire dairy. And now I'm imagining a re-write of Excalibur: A cow without a king! A king without a cow! Someone's pulled the bull from the stone!)



In the "More Flowery Than Even The Eden Project" Category:

  • I did not feel the dire want to query him

  • "Tell me what the rain knows..." and the rain seemed to sparkle in the dark.

  • I pretended to undergo the poetic personality

  • He laughed his melodic deep chuckle, "Nowhere of any significance to inform you... If the skies mourn, do not portray your definition of rain." (Ahahaha! <3)

  • I do not know why he chose to disappear, to have gone from my life eternal

  • My moods never in the aisle of happiness (Oh dear... AISLE. Clean up, Aisle Woe!)

  • The rain itself was as luminous as diamonds descending to the ground ever so lightly, and gracefully. It was unusual for rain, for it slaps the ground with a warm temperature

  • I had also realized that the rain was something he did not want me to portray with my tears

  • it would rain the astonishing gleams of its diamond way.


Bless her heart. One of her MANY REVIEWS (almost all positive) read "I love it. But I don't understand it. All all. What am I missing?" A wackadoo-to-English dictionary?




And now for something completely different. This is the naughty/not safe for work words. Hit CTRL + A to read it (or click your mouse and highlight, either way.)


In the "OH MY GOD STOP! STOP!! *cries*" Category:
"I want to mate with you.." Calvin blushed (yes, THAT Calvin)
Wait, what?"
"I love you so much, I want to show you how much I love you, how much I appreciate how you've cared for me over the years, and been there for me. Now I want to be there for you."


Stoney note: TRY SAYING IT WITH FLOWERS, DUDE. Or a plate of cookies. Call me a traditionalist... But wait, there's more.

Hobbes was nearly crying (us, too) as Calvin's hesitation was like a thousand stabs to his heart. He felt like his world was tearing apart, lest his old childhood friend fucked him in the ass, right then and there.

[...]

Calvin's penis contracted five spasms [...] He filled Hobbes to his stomach with his loving cum. He filled his ass. And he filled both of their hearts.


NO. That is not how love works. I don't think any child wants to hear, "When a boy and his imaginary friend love one another, he tears open a seam and pulls out some stuffing..." Someone needs to ground that author. Also, I think that passage filled my heart. With lead. Nope that was just the gun I shot myself with.



In the "You can't tell but I'm making faces at you, Author" Category:


  • She felt Spike's semen leave a sticky trial along the insides of her thighs. (Honestly, it was more of a tribulation, but that word was too long, I guess.)

  • perspiration set up residence under her arms and across her brow like an inmate waiting to be executed on death row (WHAT?)

  • exploding inside her mouth like an atomic bomb (that, my friends, is some powerful sperm. And now I have the horrible image of that photograph from the Vietnam war with the little girl covered in napalm, and those aren't two pillows AUGH! Friends don't let friends set off nuclear spooge in their mouths. Or something.)

  • he burrowed into her like a gofer (are we talking a glorified intern here, or just a standard issue, competent assistant? I just ask for visual clarity.)

  • [she] saw his impressive cock in its limb state (what was REALLY impressive, though, was the tire swing hanging from the limb, Hey-O!)



Some people should not be allowed to communicate with the outside world.



Guys, I think we all need to portray our definition of the rain today. I've got white grease paint and a shrinking box, come on! [/Marcel Marceau's]

Comments

( 87 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahaha. BODIES DON'T WORK LIKE THAT.
bitchygrrl
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:04 pm (UTC)
And I thought the Gossip Girl "drenched in pussy love" bukkake fic was bad.
Calvin and Hobbes? *boggles* Say it ain't so.
*CTFU* At leat there weren't tentacles.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC)
I'm sure if I looked harder, I would have found tentacles. It is the oldest form of erotic writing, after all... Blergh.
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cousinmary
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:25 pm (UTC)
I always like to assume the people writing these stories/summaries are 13 years old, but then I find out they're 35 and I start to doubt my hobbies.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. on both counts.
femmenerd
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:34 pm (UTC)
Calvin & Hobbes porn?????

Well, it woke me up, anyway.
femmenerd
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:35 pm (UTC)
P.S. What did you get linked on Cracked for? The Twilight mockery?

Also, hi!
... - stoney321 - Jun. 4th, 2009 05:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
chantal87
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:42 pm (UTC)
I have missed you.
It's nice to know that Spike's semen is still potent as all hell.
It makes my heart warm. :-)

Hm, sorta making this up as I go along... Let's see what happens, shall we?
OMG!It's the story of my life.

stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:29 pm (UTC)
(It's the same author as the old days, too! I was SO PLEASED to see a new fic.)

HI BABY. And yes, that's a formal hi.
arcana_j
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:50 pm (UTC)
Holy, jumpin' beezers! There's needs to be a drink warning on this post too. Did you notice that most of the snippets you posted read like Engrish?

Also, my personal favorite, "perspiration set up residence under her arms and across her brow like an inmate waiting to be executed on death row."

I must assume that "perspiration" is code for "the reader".
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
That drink warning has been in place for 5 years now, I can't be held accountable for the fine print not being read. ;)

I just don't even KNOW how to think about that perspiration one. That author is known for some... interesting analogies, though.
redbrickrose
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:52 pm (UTC)
Calvin and Hobbes?

*cries*

stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
IT'S NOT REAL. If we ignore it, it will go away.
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bastardsnow
Jun. 4th, 2009 02:54 pm (UTC)
... there is Calvin and Hobbes porn.

That just about ruined my day. ::pout::

This shit is horrible. Man.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
There is every porn under the SUN. Rule 32, you know.

Am I going to have to point you to the ET porn? Because I don't want to relive that. I DON'T WANT TO.
... - bastardsnow - Jun. 4th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
elisi
Jun. 4th, 2009 03:06 pm (UTC)
Hm, sorta making this up as I go along... Let's see what happens, shall we?
That one sounds familiar... I think it's a variation of 'I suck a summaries'.

Everything is different. Everyone is different. You are different. I am different. Our beginnings are different. Can we still be the same?
That could actually be quite a good description of f.ex. The Wish.

letting my throat burst into flames.
wtf?

Also, in case you've never come across them, two (published, although one on a vanity press) examples of quite indescribable writing:

'Purple fantasy'. Must be read to be believed.

Knight Moves by Jamaica Layne (review)
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
Okay, Knight Moves is new to me, wheee! Oh, how I love craptasticular writing. LOVE it.
enigmaticblues
Jun. 4th, 2009 03:21 pm (UTC)
I think I saw part of the Calvin and Hobbes porn on weepingcock and I nearly cried. CRIED TEARS OF HORROR!

And also, what up with the rain, yo? I like a good rainstorm as much as the next girl, but... Sheesh.

captcha: snort trainer (Really?)
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
Yeah - and of course, I had to go read it. HAD TO. Argh.
fabrisse
Jun. 4th, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC)
I am laughing so hard, I might crack my ribs.

Even my worst, earliest Buffy fanfic never quite hit these depths. And I'm the person who paired Principal Snyder with Mr. Trick. (It was an 'oddest possible pairing' challenge.)

Edited at 2009-06-04 03:42 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
Oh, sure. I have some crappy writing out there, too. But it's no "portray my definition of the rain." WOW.
judetwee
Jun. 4th, 2009 03:42 pm (UTC)
O_O

...to soothe your shattered soul, here's a totally NSFW comic: http://oglaf.com/

It's got bits in it. Just so you know.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
When I don't have sprogs at my feet, I'm totally going there and reading. WOOT.
Oglaf! - mosrael - Jun. 4th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
caoil
Jun. 4th, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
Fic summaries never fail to crack me up.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
DITTO!
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abusing_sarcasm
Jun. 4th, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
Just another morning comment. of course not because something happens.

*TACKLEHUGS*

Whew. Sorry for portraying my feelings about not only seeing you back but seeing you back with BADFIC! The rain knows I've missed you. Missed you like an atomic spunk bomb in my mouth.

stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
Oh man, I loved that one. I love the indignation of "OF course not!" I like to think of the author trying to thump the reader's head, too. Nothing gets me to read something more than the author's disdain for me. :D
brunettepet
Jun. 4th, 2009 04:59 pm (UTC)
strap-sisters is so pornlicious it makes me blush!

Dude, this is so deep: "If the skies mourn, do not portray your definition of the rain." I'm going to get that tattooed across my clavicle so I can look at it backwards in the mirror every day. And wait, it comes up twice? Is it a real published quote? Yikes.

Oh, that Calvin and Hobbes stuff was horrifyingly hilarious. Or is that hilariously horrifying?
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha, strap sisters. Can you believe I didn't even think of it that way??

That entire story with the portray the definition of the rain thing is just... It's like taking some Ukranian mountain people and making them act out Pride and Prejudice without understanding the English translation. It's awesome.
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soulwhispers
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
I haven't read this yet, but FUCK Stoney, I don't want you to sensor yourself :(

stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:37 pm (UTC)
Well, seeing as an agent asked to see my blog today, I need to for now.

I gotta mouth on me, no lie.
... - soulwhispers - Jun. 4th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
tabaqui
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. Gods.
Just.....wha?

Where those all fic summaries or where they also 'pro' writing summaries?
*dies a little death for each of them*

Hobbs *filled with loving cum*.
*sporks world*
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC)
Those were fic summaries, not professional pitches. But according to a lot of the agent blogs I've been reading, that's not too far off from honest-to-god querying. WOW.
... - tabaqui - Jun. 4th, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
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shadowvalkyrie
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
Argh!
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC)
you took the words right out of my mouth.
demonqueen666
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
My god, woman, where do you FIND these things?? In any case, I'm glad you do it for us so we don't have to. Stoney: bringin' on the lols of badfic without the pain! (Well, okay - some of the pain.) XD XD XD

Quite a few of things literally had me going "...what?". Out loud. Thank god the roommate is not home, because then I'd have to explain.

I must say, though, I'm a little concerned from the number of Edwards and Bellas up in there that you've apparantly been trolling reading Twilight fanfic. Why...would you ever, EVER want to do that? Aren't the books enough??

No one ever thought that things would turn out like this. It was just an island with a city. But it wasn't the island or the city they wanted to get away from. It was what was beyond the city.

...is this a Repo! The Genetic Opera fic? I have a bad feeling about the answer.

WHO THINKS "CALVIN/HOBBES" PORN TO THEMSELVES AND COMES UP WITH, "HEY, THIS IS CLEARLY SOMETHING THE INTERNET NEEDS"??? MY CAPSLOCK IS STUCK ON WITH MY SHEER INCREDUALITY.

saw his impressive cock in its limb state (what was REALLY impressive, though, was the tire swing hanging from the limb, Hey-O!)

That made me lol.

As always and ever, thanks for the crack.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, I laughed so hard at some of these, trying to figure out what they actually meant.

And I'm not reading the fanfic, just the summaries, and you can see why: COMEDY GOLD. And the island/city story was a DOGMA fic. Huh??

I love the crack, and you know me: first taste's free!
gabzilla
Jun. 4th, 2009 05:58 pm (UTC)
Oh good god no. Not Calvin and Hobbes.

Otherwise, you've found some gems that luminously sparkle like diamonds gleaming astonishingly as they portray rain tears that glisten warmly as they fall from my face as my ass (not full of Calvin's sperm thankyouverymuch) falls off from the tinkling laughter that goes a little like this: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
As I read your comment, my soul and also chestal cavity filled with the sparkling magic that is a child's laughter, newborn kitten fluff and also Smarties, for they are sweetness, such as yourself.

I shall portray my definition of a friend in your rain.
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ipnotika
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:10 pm (UTC)
/cries over Calvin and Hobbes

So. Wrong.

Was this all from one person? Multiple persons on the same site? Multiple sites? I guess my mind's just a little confuddled... and I blame it on the C&H porn.

Going to go practise my definition of the rain, now. Good to see you back. :)
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
I do think the C&H fic was just to be shocking.

The last bit in invisio text is all from one story. The rest are summaries I've "collected" here and there.

I'm going to portray my definition of a burger-eater for the wind, myself. :)
sternbunny
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC)
exploding inside her mouth like an atomic bomb
When I read this to my husband (who was wondering why I was laughing to hard), he commented, "So, with lots of explosions, radiation and the Japanese people really pissed at you?"

Beth
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
I mean, think of the shrapnel from her teeth and jawbone. I'm thinking that's as dangerous as the radioactive sperm, you know? ;)
moosesal
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:51 pm (UTC)
God I missed these posts. Thank you for the great laugh.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 06:52 pm (UTC)
You bet! I forgot how much I love doing them, too. :)
chrryblssmninja
Jun. 4th, 2009 08:45 pm (UTC)
this post made me actually laugh out loud

Bella, Edward, and some freak in a kennel, which i didn't spell right, named Kate, all in the hippie van, a camp chant type thing for pyros, mushrooms, both the drug kind and the...um, edible kind, schizophrenia, and...whatever. What can go wrong?
I think this is an attempt at a Lost crossover

oh my gosh furries
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA, I totally thought it was a Lost mention, too! I was hoping there would be mention of a smoke monster....

FURRIES. They are the evil that walks among us.
winterlive
Jun. 4th, 2009 08:54 pm (UTC)
you are the best.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
*chair wriggles*
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( 87 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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