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And it won't even be on fire. No reason, but to just do it. It hit me, finally, that I'm doing this. I've wanted to sky dive since I was a teen, and I'm going to freaking jump out of a plane at 13,500 feet. I talked to my dad about it today and he is terrified on my behalf. Haha. He also told me to update my will. UM, THIS IS ACTUALLY SAFE, YOU GUYS. (The people that tend to die from sky diving are people that have done it so much they're either taking risks they shouldn't be taking, or are so into the free fall, they fail to pull their chute at the appropriate time. No, really.)

Just to be safe in case the worst thing happens, I would publicly like to state that I want my body to be shoved in a pine box exactly as I'm found. No makeup, no sewing things back on, like feet. Unless you can sew them on backwards, that would be pretty awesome. And on the wrong legs. And when I'm put in the funeral dress, I want it on backwards so I have a sexy slit down the front of me. HOT! And just jam my limbs into the sleeves, no worries on getting my hands through all the way.

And I'd like someone to make sure that Christopher Cross' "Think of Laura" plays (laugh, don't cry, I know she'd want it that way) because it's important for my children to see people laughing over my dead body. Give them more to talk about to the therapist.

And I would like to have one of those hats with the drink holders on the sides with a bottle of tequila in each of them. And please, for the love of god, someone put a flat screen tv on the inside of the casket set to play "Mama's Family" for eternity. Or the battery goes out, which ever. And if you could make sure that my headstone reads "Pull My Finger" with a rubberized index finger stuck to it, I'd appreciate it. Also, an mp3 player that's motion-sensor triggered that alternately plays the sound of a fart or my horrified, pained screams, just to keep people on their feet. And off my grave.

So, if you could all make sure that happens should my parachute not open, I'd be eternally grateful. Except for how I'll be dead and I really won't know anything. Thanks.

[and if there could be a mud wrestling match to determine who gets what of mine, that would be super.] Great funeral? Or GREATEST FUNERAL EVER?

Comments

( 64 comments — Leave a comment )
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dovil
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC)
YOU are awesome! I'll come to your funeral and lift your corpse up and tell your kids to give Mama a kiss goodbye. And then when they scream and run I'll go after them, dragging you the entire way.

I do this out of love and respect for you.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
i think it's important for them to be faced with the reality of my demise - that's good thinking. I wouldn't want them to think I'd either run away and stuck a dummy in the casket, or that I was going to come back to life. False hope and all.

I put you in charge of the whole event, I can clearly trust you to see to my wishes.
cappy
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
OMG. You just described MY funeral*! And I want to jump out of a plane, tooooooo! It was going to be my 40th birthday present to myself but then I couldn't afford it~~ it'll happen someday though.

Except, I don't want the Christopher Cross song. I want Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Especially, you know, if I'm all smashed & squished because I died jumping out of a plane.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC)
Well, I've always wanted the gentle song stylings of Christopher Cross at my funeral. To be followed by Gwar. I want people to be kept on their toes.
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lynnenne
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:21 pm (UTC)
I'm gonna make them carve on your headstone: "She screwed the world. A lot."

Have fun on your birthday!!! <333
dovil
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)
COFFEE EVERYWHERE!

You win!
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may_lyn
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC)
a few years ago, i was told by my doc to make sure my will was up to date.

of course, hubby freaked. he thought we would go out when he was 105, and i was 100, we would be naked, having sex on a stolen harley, a joint in one hand, and bottle of whiskey in the other, and sail off the cliff on transmountain. hehe, let's see them keep THAT off the front page!

but the kids and i started plotting. first, i wanted them to play 'ding, dong, the witch is dead' by harry connick jr. it's so cool, you can hardly tell what it is, unless you're listening hard. then, midway through, i want jason to set it so the coffin lid springs open, and my corpse sits up, doing the beauty pagent wave. then we discussed if he got the tension too high, and i would go sailing through the stained glass window. you know, the whole 'where the arrow lies, there she shall be buried' thing? i was rooting for clown make up, but, hell, i don't want to traumatise anyone!

what is REALLY going to happen, is my kids will rush over, trample over my still warm body and immediately start fighting over my one of a kind cake pan. (was a wedding gift almost 31 years ago. you seriously can't find that size any more!) then the cake pan will go flying out of thier hands and land on my face, flattening it. yep, that's what is going to happen.

anyway, happy jumping out of a perfectly good plane day!
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
What would be cool is if you had an arrangement with a dance troupw to shuffle in doing the Thriller/Zombie dance. Really go out with a bang.

Thanks! I'm looking forward to it!
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chrryblssmninja
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC)
awesome sky-diving and genius funeral plans


something like this needs to be played during the mud-wrestling:

stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:34 pm (UTC)
ESPECIALLY IF MY SON IS ALLOWED TO PLAY THIS ON GUITAR HERO. For entertaining purposes for the crowd, of course. My soon-to-be 8 year old can strut in her bathing suit to tell the crowd which round it is.
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lolz
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:35 pm (UTC)
awesome! be sure to post about your experience! i'm going in september. i can't wait.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:43 pm (UTC)
Are you really?! Too cool! There's a sky diving university here, so I imagine I'm going to need to go through the training process so I can be rolling and standing and doing all sorts of tricks one day.

WHOOOOOOOO!
moosesal
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:41 pm (UTC)
Greatest. Funeral. EVER!!

My MIL wants "Spirit in the Sky" played at her funeral. I think that's kinda awesome. I just want to be burned and for the crematorium to get rid of the ashes. Nobody needs them sitting on the mantel.

I'm excited for you. I'd like to sky dive one day. And I want to go up in a hot air balloon (which is totally doable -- we've got a company here that does it for tourirsts, I'm just too lazy to get around to it).
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC)
I mean, let's have fun at this thing, am I right? Well, not me because I'll be dead. You'll know which one I am - the one that smells.

(I actually want to be turned into a diamond so people can say I'm a cursed diamond. No, really!)

I've wanted to sky dive since I was a kid. I am SO EXCITED that it's happening! (And I think this might get addicting. I want to be able to do all of the rolls and tricks!)
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ruric
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:43 pm (UTC)
Jumping out of a perfectly good plane is awesome. So is a 10000+ft freefall in something like 45 seconds.

I did it in NZ back in '99 (I did a tandem jump) and would LOVE to do it again.

Are you soloing? First time? *G*

There is no feeling line it on earth.

Have a blast! *G*
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
According to their website, I'll have just about one full minute of free fall. (And if I pay 100 bucks on the spot, they'll take me right back up after I land. I'm bringing cash, just in case I don't freak out.)

Oh, no no no no to the solo the first time. I'm going tandem, too. It's a sky diving university, so there's a series of 6 - 20 jumps you take to get certification so you can go any time you want. (And it's like $20 bucks a jump after that. DUDE!!!)

I'm so excited, and I'm so happy to learn that you've done it! WOOT!
a2zmom
Aug. 5th, 2009 10:29 pm (UTC)
I might have to go to Texas, sneak on the plane and shove you out the door because your funeral sounds like a hellava good time.

In other news, have fun jumping, you lunatic.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 10:44 pm (UTC)
I've got a pretty sweet life insurance policy, if you can help me fake my death, I'll split it with you.

Wah-hoooooooooooooooooo!
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kseenaa
Aug. 5th, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC)
That funeral would be made off win. :-)
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
And booze! And yummy food! And maybe some bare knuckle boxing over my coffin, it's still all up in the air. ;)
ethrosdemon
Aug. 5th, 2009 11:24 pm (UTC)
Please do not die, as we have yet to get married so I will not inherit the contents of the deep freeze.

I do respect people who have this kind of verve, but NOT ME. I am crazy scared of heights, in that way where I am fucking insane and it's not cute or endearing.

Break a leg.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC)
We'll have to hook up in Iowa before I jump so we can make it legal! YOU MUST INHERIT THE DEEP FREEZE. Plus the food storage in my apocalypse shelter. [Thank you, Ikea!]

My son is just like you with heights. He thinks I'm insane. He's not wrong.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! ;)
fabrisse
Aug. 5th, 2009 11:50 pm (UTC)
Good for you for doing something you've always wanted to do.

I'm with you on the plain pine box and bury me as found. The TV sounds like it might be difficult.

And mud wrestling is messy. May I suggest Jello instead? *G*
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC)
I actually saw a casket that had a tv inside. INSIDE. Um....

Jello! Ooooh, or Astroglide. NOW WE'RE TALKING FUNERALS!
essene
Aug. 5th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC)
You? Crazy.

But I love you. And I hope your parachute opens and that your around for A LOT longer!!! I'll have my fingers and toes crossed.
stoney321
Aug. 5th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC)
My chute will open! I have the best guy there going with me, and HE'S in charge of pulling the cord. YAY!! <3 <3 <3
setdragonfriend
Aug. 6th, 2009 12:13 am (UTC)
Greatest funeral ever? More like EPIC! XD

Aside from that, I wish I could skydive. You lucky thing!

Didn't I hear about a woman once surviving a skydive when her parachute didn't open... and turns out she was pregnant at the time, too... and the fetus survived as well? So, yeah, laugh really loud and hard at Death and take the plunge!

But, if on the off-chance you don't make it back, I'll never talk to you ever again! (Just kidding! I'll go find a spirit medium. LOL)
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2009 12:31 am (UTC)
Ahahahahaha. I would TOTALLY love to come back as a ghost and haunt people. I'd try and be obnoxious about it, too, like Moaning Myrtle in Harry Potter.

I've got pretty good butt muscles now, maybe I'll bounce off them. ;D
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sockmonkeyhere
Aug. 6th, 2009 12:45 am (UTC)
*falls out laughing* And I thought my cousin was clever for wanting a tape player rigged so that everyone who came to see him in the funeral home would hear his voice in the casket saying "Hi! How ya' doin? Ain't this a bitch?"

...But the Stoney cemetery dance ideas here have Cousin's beat by a country mile!

I'll bet you'll have a terrific time skydiving. (And if you do end up being scraped off the pavement, we can always change your name to Headstoney.)
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2009 01:05 am (UTC)
LOL, that's hilarious! Your cousin is TOTALLY clever and awesome for that.

AHAHAHAHA, you win the internet for that last one. THE WHOLE INTERNET. I've decreed so.
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