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I needed some levity after a stressful week. I also need to get rid of some outdated furniture that is taking up precious space in my house. I also have a deep need to write parody songs. A DEEP NEED. And so I've been rewriting classic songs to work into a Craigslist posting for this stuff I'm getting rid of. This is my brain on drugs. By which I mean air. (Pfft, I'm totally addicted to air, I won't even lie.)



Old Man

Old man, look at my bench
It could match your armoire.
Old man, look at my bench
It could match your armoire.

Old man look at my bench
2 big drawers, but so much more.
High-backed, sturdy and well made
Storage drawers, there's two.

At a store, so much cost
Come see me, you'll think I'm sauced
Less coin that it will not cost
Savings-prudent You.

Old man take a look at the wood with an espresso hue.
I need cash in my hand, how about $52?
Take a look at that price and you can knock off two...






Pina Colada Song

I was tired of my stuff
I'd had it here for so long
It's not worn out or broke
The style-fit is just wrong.
So while I sit here dreaming
Of new decor just ahead
On the Craigslist website
I'll put this stuff here instead.

If you like well built bookshelves
And curio cabinets
If you're not into wall shelves
If you like matching sets
If you like hanging files and brass drawer pulls
On a desk clean from chores
Then I've got stuff that you've looked for
400 bucks and it's yours.





[ETA] I put the posting up with pics at 3:00 CST. I just got an offer to have it picked up tomorrow, 14 minutes later. FUNNY WORKS, WHOO!

Teach Your Children

You
Who want a p'ano
Must have a hope
For one you can play on
And so
I have one here
Because my kids
Have no dedication

Teach your children well
My personal hell - did slowly go by
My kids weren't able to learn.
I acquired tics - I always looked high
Don't you ever ask them to try
If they played it you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
...And buy my console.

And you (Can you hear that?)
Without much room (Lovely silence!)
Will like this piece (No more banging,)
It's only so big (Do, Re, Mi, Fa!)
And so it's been well tuned (Teach your children)
And it will fit (You'll do better)
Into a living room (Than I did, so)
Or wherever you dig. (Help me, please!)


I'm kind of proud of that last one the most. Except I've been singing "It could match your armoire" all day.




See? It's not all Srs Bznss here. I also got some new head shots taken for my agency and I'm am well pleased with the exception that I have no idea how to wear stage makeup anymore. I'm such a tom boy. I need to sit in a chair and have a professional teach me how to slap some paint on again. We're all still wearing blue eye shadow and Dr. Pepper lipsmackers, right? Lol. I also took one with a wonky eye because I don't know how to be serious. Also, I'm a character actress, dammit. Give me the crazy part every time!

Comments

( 44 comments — Leave a comment )
caoil
Oct. 1st, 2009 03:28 pm (UTC)
You are so funny and so pretty it's kind of not fair.
;-)

Okay, I'll still like you anyway.

And I would tewtally send these to Best of Craigslist if I saw them.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
Aww, nuh uh. But yay for not hating me! Just imagine that I have one leg that's eight inches shorter than the other. Smoke and mirrors, baby. Lol.

I've got to get the pictures taken of everything so I can put it up on Craigslist. And my husband thinks I can't sell this stuff... WATCH ME! :D
caoil
Oct. 1st, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC)
*snort* @leg

Ha ha, he'll come to see the error of his ways. WHEN YOU ARE TRIUMPHANT.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
AND I WILL USE THE MONEY I EARN TO BUY THINGS OF IMPORTANCE! Like margaritas and frienship. I dunno... Heeee.
the_soul_of_wit
Oct. 1st, 2009 03:39 pm (UTC)
In that first picture, you look like you could play a much better Sookie than Anna Paquin does. And yer purty. *scuffs toe of boot in the sand*
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 03:52 pm (UTC)
I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY SOOKIE BECAUSE I WANT ERIC. I mean, *cough* how lovely of you to pay me such a fine compliment!

AND I WANT TO BE WITH ASKARS. I'm just saying. Lol.
the_soul_of_wit
Oct. 2nd, 2009 01:17 pm (UTC)
I think that if you had auditioned for the role of Sookie, that should have been the first thing you said.

"I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY SOOKIE BECAUSE I WANT ERIC!"

Maybe jump up and down a little. Some frothing at the mouth. Casting directors love that, right?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:25 pm (UTC)
YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS WAS FOR YOU.

The bench is in the garage, I bought a kick ass mid-century console and I'm streamlining the whole house. CLEAN! SURFACES! NO PILES! The bench served as a place for everyone to dump stuff and it was wearing me out.

If you need me to come up with lyrics for you, SAY THE WORD.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:39 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I need people to share my earworms!! :D

I love the wonky eye one, too. there's a whole series of those we took, heeeeeeeee. HI ANNE-GIRL! <3
menomegirl
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:36 pm (UTC)
That's a lovely pic and lol@the Pina Colada Song.

And HA! I'd forgotten all about Dr. Pepper lipsmackers.

stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you and HAHAHAHA, I'm glad you like the song! I keep singing "If you like hanging files and brass drawer pulls..." over and over and over and....
tabaqui
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:38 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing* Oh, my gods.

:)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
Wheeee!
(Deleted comment)
brunettepet
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:42 pm (UTC)
I dunno why LJ won't let me delete this!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
Eh, no worries. LJ is being goofy for me, today, it must be something with my journal.
brunettepet
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)

These would make excellent postings, and that last one is excellent! I'll have If they played it you would cry running through my head all day.

That first shot is gorgeous. The colors are so rich and you're glowing. Nice Karen Black impression in the second shot. What kind of role are you looking for with that one, other than character?

Good luck with Craigslist. We just sold our ACL wristbands and it was a very smooth transaction.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I'm glad to know the songs don't mark me as a crazy person. The bad crazy, you understand. Hee.

Thank you very much! And funny you say Karen Black, because that's who my Blood on the Highway character was based on. Mostly we just took those pics to be goofy, I don't know that my agency will actually let me post those on the boards... :D
halfmoon_mollie
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
I love these. I totally love these. Especially the first one.

You're amazing!
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC)
WHEEE, yay! Now if only you lived down the road and wanted to buy these things so I can clear out my house...

HEE.
tinpanalley
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:03 pm (UTC)

Great headshots! I need to get some new ones pretty soon. Back in the day, b & W was for theater and color was film /commercial, but times are a'changin'. Color is all the rage for theater headshots now. Outdoor backgrounds too.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
I never had to get theater specific head shots, so I would have no clue as to what to do!

Now I'm just waiting for touchups and proofs so I can go get my new cards.
stephanierb
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:18 pm (UTC)

OMG, those songs are a riot! I'm partial to the Pina Colada one myself. That song cracks me up.

Great head shot. I always thought those things were black and white.
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
Lol, I'm glad to know you laughed!

And thank you! Nope, black and white havne't been used for commercial work for a while, now. Which is a shame, because you can hide a lot of flaws with b&w! They want HD and as close to reality as they can get so they can SEE you, if that makes sense.
soberloki
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
That is... holy crap. I can hear Crosby, Stills, and Nash singing your lyrics right now.

Edited at 2009-10-01 05:35 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
THAT IS BECAUSE I HAVE MAD SKILLZ. :D
soberloki
Oct. 2nd, 2009 06:46 am (UTC)
*snicker*
mumsisdaughter
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:53 pm (UTC)
Super pics, even the second!

Any news on a UK release for 'Blood on the Highway'?
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Hee.

If you go to bloodonthehighway.com and click on NEWS, you'll see info for a film festival that's just around the corner in London. There are a few more fests it'll play in Europe, so hopefully one will be convenient for you! And I'll keep everyone posted on DVD releases, etc. Thanks so much for wanting to see it!
poshcat
Oct. 1st, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
OMG, those songs were instant classics! I would buy your stuff just to reward you for those lyrics - if I didn't live in Canada.

Old man, look at my bench
It could match your armoire.

and

And so
I have one here
Because my kids
Have no dedication

made me LOL and LOL!

Nice photo, too. I'm sure 100 directors now want to sleep with...I mean...hire you. Probably both. ::applies more Dr. Pepper lipsmacker:: ::no, seriously::

stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC)
I just posted the one for the piano with pictures, we'll see if the locals have a sense of humor. AND A SENSE OF BARGAINS. lol.

HI POSH. Come sit in my lap.
lynnenne
Oct. 1st, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA the last one is HYSTERICAL! And to one of my favorite folk songs!! I would buy that piano in a drumbeat. If I could play at all.

Also your photos are hot. RAWR.

Edited at 2009-10-01 08:38 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
I JUST SOLD THE PIANO. Woot!!

Awww, thanks, tootsie pop! <3
(Screened comment)
stoney321
Oct. 1st, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC)
Re: Wow
You're very flattering, thank you. I'm glad I've gotten you to laugh, thanks!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 2nd, 2009 12:44 pm (UTC)
LOLOLOL. I'll do the hand claps to "Teach Your Children" while you sing.

Ahaha, I AM PURTY WITH MAH EYE.
pickledprose
Oct. 2nd, 2009 02:58 am (UTC)
Stoney iz soooo perrrty! I'z jealous, but happy for you at the same time! All of your posts inspire me.
stoney321
Oct. 2nd, 2009 12:44 pm (UTC)
*pushes up nose* THANK YOU. Lol. :)
xochitl42
Oct. 2nd, 2009 10:49 am (UTC)
Oh, I had something all clever and pithy to post about your wonderful song rewrites, and then I took a look at your new headshot, and it all went away.

DAAAAYUM! :D
stoney321
Oct. 2nd, 2009 12:45 pm (UTC)
I sold the piano in 15 minutes! V v nice.

And thanks, toots! SMOKE AND MIRRORS. It's all just smoke and mirrors. ;)
nemesisstar
Oct. 2nd, 2009 03:01 pm (UTC)
So yeah, this has absolutely nothing to do with your post but I just knew you would appreciate this:

"College removes zombie-attack plan from site"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33130861/ns/us_news-weird_news/?GT1=43001

It brings the LOLs!!
may_lyn
Oct. 2nd, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)
crazy PART, you say? hehe. lady friend, you don't call it a part when it's your life!

you are a lovely, though, i'm sure you know that. but clever? that gets me hooked every time.
kseenaa
Oct. 4th, 2009 12:14 am (UTC)
Wow. You look gorgeous! :-D
fishsanwitt
Oct. 4th, 2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
You are *beyond* freaking awesome :)

When my singing partner and I went to conventions, we did parodies (or filk singing as some people called it) and loved it! Yay for the tradition being carried on!!!
( 44 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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