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Oprah Winfrey gave me the Evils.

Oh my god (well, not my god because I defy Him and all His works - Joss, that line will never not work for me, thanks) if you missed Oprah's show yesterday, KEEP ON MISSING IT. Yes, I've apparently turned into that haus frau, the one that watches Oprah Winfrey in the afternoon. Except for how I mistakenly watched it at night, and then had nightmares all night long. She had the woman that was brutally attacked (like, don't even google it, okay? And I've seen 2 Girls and 1 Cup and laughed) by a friend's pet chimpanzee. I had to call my husband to talk me down from being freaked out by the 911 call. Holy crap balls. Animal attacks = worst way to die (or NOT die) ever. You all have my permission to smother me with a pillow if I'm ever attacked by an animal and then don't die from it, but should have. *shudder*

I'm giving all of my pets the stink eye, now. We all know that Darthanne, my serial killing cat, would take me down in a heartbeat if she could. If she could figure out how to work a ziplock bag to get her own treats, I'd have been kitty litter long before now. I think she stares at me while I sleep, licking her lips, wondering if I would go well with a nice Chianti and Fava beans *fft fft fft fft!*

IN OTHER NON-ANIMAL ATTACK NEWS, I'm trying to get my mojo back re:writing and telling a story. My confidence was massively shaken this summer during the rejection hurricane but I'm going to quit being self-indulgent and push through. By being self-indulgent in another way, lol. There's been a meme floating around where people ask the poster for "DVD commentary" on any of their fics. I don't know if anyone is interested in hearing how I came up with Hulk/Jolly Green Giant man on man love, or the inspiration behind the Gone with the Wind mpreg, or the analysis of medieval Catholic rites in Angel: The Series or just how I make the horses in my soap opera so compelling (poor Gringo el burro, will he ever find amor?), but I'd love to tell you all about My Art. Lol. My fic can be found here and the original LDS Missionary Coming out of the Closet story is here. Warning: many contain adult themes, some homo, some hetero, some violence exists in a lot of my stories, but they're clearly labeled. There's also massive quantities of crack and far too many Dune references than one person should ever use. Fair warning!

There's something else I meant to say, but I can't think of it. I'm diving back into my picture book of white-skinned, blue-eyed American Indians talking with Jesus (for research purposes, of course.) Hahaha. If only I was joking about that last bit.


( 45 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:45 pm (UTC)
I will smother with a pillow if need be, because I care. I saw Oprah yesterday to and yes it was disturbing and I don't know how I would live if I was her. It sounded awful and looked worse.

I was cool with hippos until I found out that they attack humans. Have you ever seen one of them yawn? Oh and I'm pretty sure all cats want to kill their people. If they figure out how to open cans you'll probably never hear from me again. :P

Nov. 12th, 2009 03:57 pm (UTC)
It was that 911 call that sent me over the edge. Hearing about it is one horrible thing, hearing it AS IT WAS HAPPENING was quite another. (And Oprah seemed to relish the details, I felt. It's like she really needed Charla to know just how bad she looked. Gah.)

I loved that video of Jessica the hippo until I reminded myself that even lions don't mess with hippos. HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS!!
Nov. 13th, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
Yeah, the 911 call was just... when she was screaming that "He's eating her!!!", I just about lost it. Oprah is, well she's Oprah. She interrupts people when they're speaking and she loves hearing the gory details. It doesn't show on her face but you can hear it in her tone.

Hippos are cute until you watch Animal Attacks!!!! HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS WANT TO EAT YOUR HUMAN FLESH!!!
Nov. 20th, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC)
Late to the game, but.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS also eat HIPPO FLESH and are HIPPO CANNIBALS, and that is how they got HIPPO ANTHRAX, and I wish I was kidding. Here.
Nov. 20th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC)
OMFG why would you share that?!?!?!? Just kidding, that was actually really interesting. I think that it's weird that they didn't think about that before. I totally want to friend you on this comment alone. Are you cool with that? :)

P.S. I am never letting my kids (when I have them) play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Nov. 20th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
I'm totally cool with that. :) But, uh, I'm far more interesting within communities, talking to people on their journals, etc. than in my own. Mostly I just bitch on there.

Also, random: whenever we see a Gator Golf commercial (which is rare), in my house we always call it Gaeda (sp?) Golf after the guy from BSG. And yell out, "Butterfingers!" But in all seriousness, games with small pieces like Hungry Hungry Hippos and Hi-Ho Cherry-O are hell with small children in the house. Heads up.
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
P.S. Did you see the Oprah with the lady that got her face shot off and had the face transplant?
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
UGH, YES. Poor, poor woman. I mean, yay for her spirit and pluck, etc. but OH MY GOD.
Nov. 13th, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
Yeah, I'm with you on that. Although I almost turned it off when she said she thought about taking her husband back. WOMAN!!! HE SHOT OFF YOUR FACE!!!!

I'm not even watching Oprah today. Her and her wannabe American Idol contest. Grrr.
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
Chimps fail one of my requirements for a pet:

11; My pet should not be able to steal my car...
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC)
I have never liked any simians. Ever. I went to Toronto with a friend who was absolutely enchanted by the Capuchin and organ grinder performing just outside one of the exits at Eaton Centre. I not only refused to go and watch, I refused to look in that direction. Cheetah (n the Tarzan movies) always scared me. I find nothing endearing about simians (although I do think that Dian Fosse does good work and that the habitat of the gorilla should be saved. So they can be kept as far away from me as possible, thank you!)

As for the other stuff...I really admire the way your mind works.

Nov. 12th, 2009 03:59 pm (UTC)
I love simians. Apes, monkeys, humanids, love them. IN THEORY. On paper. In studies. Not in my arms. I mean, I love big cats. I would love to know how soft a cheetah's fur could be. But actually HOLD ONE? Ack!!

ANd lol, thanks! It's like admiring how a garbage truck crunches up muck, huh? ;)
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah...I think white Siberian tigers are GORGEOUS. But I don't think I'd like to look one in the eye, thank you.

Nov. 12th, 2009 03:56 pm (UTC)

Seriously, though, it pisses me off when people think of primates as PETS, and this exact thing is why the researchers at my school adamantly DO NOT have direct access to the chimpanzees. I've seen Loulis flip a tractor tire single-handed without ANY visible effort.
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:01 pm (UTC)
I WARNED YOU!!!! Oh, isn't it just horrible??? And Oprah played the 911 tape where you could HEAR THE ATTACK IN THE BACKGROUND. GAH.

Chimpanzees have been recorded pulling with ONE HAND 1200 pounds under stress. 1200 pounds!!!!! They could (and did) tear a person up like paper. *cries*

Wild animals ARE NOT PETS. Domesticated animals are fine. Non-domesticated? QUIT IT, PEOPLE.
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:10 pm (UTC)
I agree with you wholeheartedly on all counts *shudder* The tire flipping wasn't even under stress, he was just displaying--that was enough to give me the visual reinforcement to what I already knew intellectually. And damn, seeing that poor woman...

It boggles my mind how in today's society some people are so out of touch with the natural world that when they look outside all they see are cute, cuddly widdle amminals. Tch. Yeah, cute little animals that can SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU UP, maybe.

This chick I know has a first-gen wolf cross as a pet. I hope it doesn't end up as horribly as I think it will.
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC)
Oh, yow. Make sure you're nowhere near that wolf when it hits 2 years old and starts making advances to be the alpha male.

I have a tag called "tales of stupid people" that details my time in the National Park system and how STOOPID people would be about those wild animals. Like grizzly bears. *head desk*
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
I certainly hope I'm not x.x To be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of her in general, and I probably won't ever talk to her again once we don't go to classes in the same building. I constantly thank whatever god may or may not be listening that we don't share a residence hall anymore. Needless to say, I think she's an idiot--and one of those New Agey pagans who thinks that nature is love and light and wolves are noble and loyal as opposed to being wild fucking animals that need to be respected as such.

Still, I don't wish upon ANYone the experience she's likely to get when said mutt reaches maturity.

Stupid people + animals = Darwin at work~
Nov. 12th, 2009 03:57 pm (UTC)
I had to turn off that Oprah interview towards the end, I just...ugh. It was just too hard to watch without wanting to cry for that woman and her daughter.
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, her poor poor lovely little girl, just wanting to hld and love her mama. *cries and cries*
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha. Star Wars references are always appropriate. And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside!

Oooh, I would love to talk about And It Came To Pass, because I'm an attention hound. ANything in particular that you want me to talk about? And who doesn't love a perfectly good mulatto ass baby? (NOTE TO NEW FOLKS: I WAS MOCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE CRAZY. Also, I am crazy.)
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
Dammit, I should have replied with this icon. It's the daddy of the At-At.
Nov. 12th, 2009 04:53 pm (UTC)
Pet chimpanzee? Pet chimpanzee? The hair on the back of my neck stood up at the stupidity of anyone who would even think to consider such a thing. I am not googling. I am sticking my fingers in my ears and La-la-la-ing and walking away.

I will still have nightmares at the possibilities, but at least I only have the visuals and audibles that my mind can create.
Nov. 12th, 2009 05:12 pm (UTC)
PET. CHIMP. 200 pound MALE chimp. How could it be anything BUT horrible??? Please don't google. Oh, it's just horrid. I really could have done without the audible recording from the show, but it was so horrible I couldn't turn away. GAH.

In other news, I feel the need for some Chuy's for lunch. Vegetarian enchiladas would just about hit the spot. Esp. if there was some steak in it. :)
Nov. 12th, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC)
My cat will never kill me because she knows that good help is so hard to find these days.

I love wild animals. You know, in the wild. Which is what makes them WILD animals. See, that there is your clue. Domesticated animals work well with your domestic life. Wild Animals are best, as the luscious Kratt brothers like to say, "living free and in the wild."

>not looking at chimp pictures....got to see stuff on my local news when it happened, and that was enough.
Nov. 12th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
I do not, nor will I ever, understand why people can't understand that. Do I love lions? Yes. Do I want to touch one? Kinda, but NOT IN REALITY. Because it will happily nom my head off. Because that's what it does.

From birds and hedgehogs to big cats: THEY ARE NOT PETS. Those dogs and cats that were bred over thousands of years to be our companions? Those are fine.
Nov. 12th, 2009 11:26 pm (UTC)
I don't know if anyone is interested in hearing how I came up with Hulk/Jolly Green Giant man on man love

Nov. 13th, 2009 12:36 am (UTC)
... I'd like commentary on the Missionary fic, if you don't mind!
Nov. 13th, 2009 12:47 am (UTC)
That's two for that one! Any topic point in the story in particular?
Nov. 13th, 2009 04:40 am (UTC)
Hmm. Characterization, maybe - I mean, you started off with random calendar photos and ended up with a couple of solid, believeable characters, so I'd be interested in hearing you talk about that all.
Nov. 13th, 2009 01:50 pm (UTC)
Ooooh whoo whoo! I would actually love to talk about that, very cool! I'll try and get that posted today, in fact. (And I'm very flattered that anyone wants to hear me talk about my fic. Thank you.)
Nov. 13th, 2009 03:12 am (UTC)
No, I didn't watch it. Didn't have to. That attack is local to me, and has been all over the papers since it happened. As such, that picture of the poor lady was on the front page of my local paper this morning - 1/6th page size picture.
Nov. 13th, 2009 01:54 pm (UTC)
Augh, that poor poor woman! That definitely shouldn't have been on the front page. (And I have a 50" Plasma tv. I wish it had been a 17" black and white Zenith.)

Bless her heart.
Nov. 13th, 2009 04:00 am (UTC)
I'm already scared enough of chimpanzee and other monkeys. Now I *know* my fear is justified even more.
Nov. 13th, 2009 01:56 pm (UTC)

One female chimp was recorded (while she was slightly PMSing) at pulling with ONE FREAKING ARM 1200+ pounds. With ONE. ARM.

Them being 7 times as strong as humans is slightly exaggerated, but 3 times is still STRONGER THAN HUMANS. And chimps have rape and hit squads that murder... Come on, people!!
Nov. 13th, 2009 04:19 am (UTC)
[ this is kinda last-minute, sorry... ]
man, that oprah thing really does sound horrifying. >_< *tries not to even think about it*

also... i think i may have to bookmark this post and eventually take you up on that dvd commentary offer. just because i love reading that kinda stuff.

anyway, real reason i came in here:
dunno if you'll remember me -- we talked a little bit last year. i also don't know if you're still into metalocalypse at all. judging by the fact that your last "metalocalypse" tagged post was a year ago, maybe not... but i figured i'd take a shot.

if you don't remember, i co-run the hearts_and_guts exchange, currently in round 2. last year i'd asked if you would join us, but i think you said you were too busy with your professional writing to think about fic. which, i dunno, may still be the case... but like i said, i thought it was at least worth a try.

for what it's worth: we'd really love to have you, if there's any chance you might be interested. to me personally, you were the first author i found in this fandom whose fic i genuinely enjoyed -- so i would especially be happy to see more from you. <3

if you're gonna consider it, i should let you know that sign-ups close this sunday night (i'm sorry i didn't poke you about it sooner!). here's the rules and faq if you need more info.

but if you're not interested, i understand. just hope me asking wasn't too much of a bother. :)
Nov. 13th, 2009 01:52 pm (UTC)
Re: [ this is kinda last-minute, sorry... ]
Do not think about the Oprah story, it's HORRID!!!

(And if you ever wanted a commentary on the Metalocalypse fic, I'd be all over that.)

I really can't tell you how flattered I am that you want me to participate. My only problem is that I have a) no fic ideas/lost the voice and b) no time! Argh, I'm knee deep in rewrites, too.

I'll check out the sign ups and see if anything hits me where I just couldn't say no. I love writing in that fandom, I just haven't been able to in ages! (And it's never a bother to be invited to something, please! It's an honor!)
Nov. 13th, 2009 02:04 pm (UTC)
Re: [ this is kinda last-minute, sorry... ]
*grin* thanks. or... you're welcome. or, you know what i mean. (lol, i think i just say things like that because it helps me handle potential rejection? or something.)

if it makes the decision any easier: we do have a full two-month period between assignments and the due-date. and available extensions, if anyone needs them. ...either way, i'm glad you're at least considering it!

if you end up having to say no, i hope you won't mind me checking with you again down the line, should we happen to need pinch-hitters.

and, yeah: i think commentary on "juggernaut of deth" (or possibly that pickles story i still haven't found time to read >_>) would be fascinating. but it seems you also write in the buffyverse (my first fandom, omg), and we might have others in common too... so i'm sure that's far from the only story i'd be interested in. :D
Nov. 13th, 2009 04:19 am (UTC)
Part of me wants to google to find out what happened. Part of me is afraid that Google Images will take that as an excuse to scar me for freaking life. D: What happened, exactly? Or do I not even want to know that? Curiosity, cat, and everything.

I love wild animals. I think they're gorgeous. Big cats are beautiful, ostriches have the prettiest eyes, and there's nothing more gorgeous than a polar bear. From a distance. A very safe distance. Say, me on a couch and them on a TV screen. All these people that love them so much they want to own them, why don't they respect them enough to leave them the hell alone? They don't need us. They don't want us! Domesticated animals are different because we bred the wildness out of them over tens of thousands of years. (Or treat them as though they're gods, as we do with cats. We didn't domesticate them at all. That one was the other way around.) And even then domesticated animals aren't always safe. Why would a wild one be any more likely to not maul you?
Nov. 13th, 2009 01:58 pm (UTC)
Um.... I'll tell you. First let me say that EVERYTHING IN PARAGRAPH 2 I AGREE 100% WITH. Gah.

Now, turn back if you don't want to know, okay?

Chimp rushed her, grabbed her mouth, ripped OFF her face: upper jaw, teeth, nose, bones, eyes, most of her forehead. Jumped on her. Ate into her head. Bit and ripped off both hands. Ate her wrist on one hand. (They were able to reattach her thumb on one... stump.

She lived through all of that. And the 911 call? you can hear him DOING THAT. *cries* Horrid. Absolutely horrid.
Nov. 14th, 2009 05:29 am (UTC)
Re: WARNING: GRUESOME DETAILS. (in second para)
....I need to add more icons, because I do not have one to reflect the sheer amount of ohmygodohmygodohmyfuckinggod that I'm feeling right now.

I've heard stories of chimps that have taken human BABIES and... but never a full grown adult. How? How did she not DIE? And was the owner not freaking feeding the damned thing? (and this is like 100xs more creepy than the opening scene of The Hunger. At least that was another damned monkey. As well as fiction.)

And they played that? On day time, network TV? I just don't understand how they got away with that. Were the censors asleep or something?
Nov. 14th, 2009 05:40 am (UTC)
Re: WARNING: GRUESOME DETAILS. (in second para)
And now I'm reminded of going on a overnight field trip to the Atlanta Zoo when I was in 6th grade. We got to explore parts of the zoo not open to the public. Like the actual gorilla enclosure. And now I can't stop thinking of how badly THAT could have ended.

I think the cheap ass zoo in Richmond where only double fences kept me separated from the lions and rinos and a bridge over the crocs was slightly safer than that, now.
(Deleted comment)
( 45 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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