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I'm just putting my opinion on them out there. I think the world needs to know my thoughts on the chewable vitamin.

Yesterday I started writing a fic for someone, something I haven't done in ages. Jason Stackhouse and Pam la Vampeer, True Blood. I watched the S2 finale last night and laughed anew at Jason's single tear after pulling out "Kid Glock." That show is such tragic crapck. And yet, I continue to watch. But I'm there for Eric, Pam, and Jason. I've pulled out some gun catalogs (doesn't everyone have those in their house? Just us?) so I can get some Stackhouse juices flowing.

I'm feeling incredibly spammy, so there's your warning for the day.

Because kita0610 and lynnenne keep emailing me pictures of their fancy dresses and talking about bags and shoes and so forth for our upcoming Vegas trip, I guess I'm going to have to take off this ball cap and go buy some damn lady clothes. It would not do to be the jackhole in loser duds when they're both so sparkly and fancy pant-sy. I'm super excited about a vacation, though. One is HIGHLY needed. Also, I haven't played craps in 8 years, and I looooooove throwing the dice, yo. When I'm rolling, everyone's winning. I need to remember to call the concierge at our hotel and check out the info for seats to the naughty Cirque du Soleil show. Part of me is titillated, the other part of me is slightly horrified at what painted bodies might look like upside down, contorted, whirling on ropes. It could be awesome, it could be... not. :D (My guess is it will be awesome.) CRAP. It's not playing when we're there, BOO. Expect an email, ladies.

I read something online yesterday that ONCE AGAIN reminded me that there is no bottom to the pit that is freaky crap online. We've had a lady who is married to the Berlin Wall, horrified at her "husband's murder." We've seen ET porn - real people dressed as ET. There's a man that honestly believes he's married to his Shetland pony, had a WATER BED installed in his barn so they could have missionary-style "consummation" all while having a HUMAN GIRLFRIEND. She didn't even qualify as the main relationship, people. (That might be the kinda-bottom, let's get real, even though it is my all time favorite cracked out tale of humanity.) BUT THIS CRAIGSLIST AD IS THE WORST YET. And if that isn't warning enough, I don't know what is.



You know that scene in Saving Private Ryan when the guy is being slowly stabbed in the heart and he just keeps saying, "wait... wait... wait..." until the German soldier is breathing up his nostrils and he's dead? That's how I felt reading this, minus the bliss of FINALLY DYING.


I had no idea what a "release" party REALLY meant. (Yes, this has been on the internet for a bit. You're totally cool and ahead of the game, and can skip along while the rest of us gasp in horror. It's new to me, and, I'd wager, a few of you.)

THIS IS AN ACTUAL AD. FOR ACTUAL PEOPLE. TO ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE. THESE PEOPLE POOP. WITH EACH OTHER. (My commentary is in italics.)

hot tub group release (berkeley)

Date: 2005-12-08, 10:51PM PST

Let's keep this simple. I have a hot tub on Euclid. I am having a group release party on December 28th. Everybody is welcome (last time was all men which was fun but I would really like to get some women this time). [This time? THIS TIME??? I WONDER WHY NO CHICKS COME. You'll see. You'll all see!!]

Here's how it works: Five people get into my 400 gallon redwood hot tub. The temperature is a challenging 125 degrees. [Challenging?? That's a challenge like jumping in front of bullets is a "challenge."]After a few minutes, everybody "evacuates" (voids their bowels in the tub). We see what floats to the surface. [OH. MY. GOD. Also, you know there's going to be corn kernels. YOU KNOW THERE WILL BE. They DON'T breakdown. Life's great mystery, the corn kernel.]

This "letting go" stage is followed by a "coming together" stage in which each person helps the person to their left reach satisfaction (handsex). Simple and wonderful. [Simple and wonderful like grandma's love. If your grandma shit on you then rubbed one off into her afghan. Then gave you a butterscotch hard candy.]

Some ground rules: [We're not just going to fly by the seat of our pants, here. Without rules, this would quickly become chaotic. The horrified screams alone...]

1) No footwear of any kind in the tub! Leave your flip flops on the deck! [He got this from the Japanese and their dedication to hygiene. Leave the street germs where they belong, Arigato.]

2) Do not go into the house. [Not because you'll have been floating in shit, but because I have some souffles on, you know how tetchy they can be.]

3) Scents are okay but please, NO GREASY HAIR PRODUCTS. [I think we can all agree that Axe hair gel is going to fuck things up for everyone. You can go one night without a slicked-back DA, Kenickie.]

4) Please refrain from smoking. [That is a filthy habit, we all can agree on that. The only butts in my hot tub are the kind that leak, not smolder. Unless you're Gus, and he's had some digestion issues lately. But he brought a note and we all hope the Prevacid helps some. But not until tomorrow, because we're doing something Special tonight.]

5) Once everybody is in the tub, its silent time. No talking until everybody is out. [The horrified screams from last time were a real downer. Gus, next time, lay off the Ranchiladas. Not everyone can handle the Ranchilada. We ease them into that. Chuck? You're allowed to hum Eine Kleine Nacht Musik, because that added some class.]

6) If you do not like what is "going down" (or coming up) step out of the tub. You do not need to make it everybody else's problem. [Yes, because the person not liking the floaters is the one with the problem. ]

7) Please commit before showing up. Don't come out to the backyard, check out the "scene" and then decide to leave. This disrupts the experience for everybody. [It only serves as a reminder that no one wants to be with us while we group shit, and that makes us feel bad. I mean, we had to put an ad in the paper for participants. We know we're pathetic, but this is our "special time." To shit and jerk off as a group.]

8) Please no laughing or frivolity. Its not that it has to be "dead serious" but we don't want it to turn into a joke. For many people a group release party is a vulnerable psychosexual experience and your laughter can be shaming. [The important double syllable there was PSYCHO. I think we all can agree to that one. It's VULNERABLE? That's your FIRST CLUE that something is... amiss. Don't shame me, bro! I just need to shit on people, then get a stranger to pull my pud. I NEED THAT, is that so wrong? ]

9) PLEASE NO LOUD TALKING AFTER THE SESSION. MY NEIGHBORS HAVE COMPLAINED SEVERAL TIMES AND HAVE THREATENED TO CALL THE POLICE. [Yes, the neighbors are complaining about the LOUD TALKING. Not the hot tub science project stewing in the night. Not that.]

10) If you are over two hundred pounds it is fine, but please let me know in advance. [I need to calculate water displacement for you and the other people that might answer the ad. The WOODEN BATHTUB we'll all be shitting in can only hold so much, you see.]

11) PLEASE NO DIABETICS, PREGNANT WOMEN OR PEOPLE WITH HEALTH CONDITIONS WHICH MAY BE AFFECTED BY A LONG AND UNUSUALLY HIGH TEMPERATURE HOT TUB SITUATION. [The last kind of problem I need to deal with here are health concerns. Let's just keep this steaming semen-shit stew casual, you know? Let's not bring health into it. That might make things weird.]

12) NO DRUGS OF ANY KIND!!!! [We don't want a bad element, dig? Would coffee and bran muffins count as a drug? I'm just asking the hard questions, people. I don't want to show up unprepared.]

13) Please make sure that you have eaten well and NOT EXCRETED FOR AT LEAST TWELVE HOURS before coming. [OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. I think people should write out a list of what they've eaten that day, and then you can guess who's list matches the floaters. "Bill? You had a half order of beef nachos and Funyuns, didn't you? I knew it! Charlie? Really? Five ears of corn AND asparagus? I thought I heard a rumble when you pulled up! I think we all know that Gus had Ranchiladas. And a few bran muffins."]

14) No food in the hot tub or on the deck. If you must eat, finish your food in your car. [Christ, can't you people think? Do you know how nasty eating in the tub is? We don't want your Ultimate Cheeseburger wrapper mucking up the ambiance. Also, I like to float candles in the water to class this shit (literally) up. I don't want to worry about flammables. Which brings me back to you, Gus. Let's try to not light the fumes, please. I don't have that kind of insurance on the house.]

15) You can park directly out front or along the street. PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY. If parking is limited park on POPLAR st. [I want it to look like I'm throwing an awesome party with lots of cars by my house. That'll show my coworkers that I'm not always on XBox live with my make believe friends. I have REAL PEOPLE that I interact with. And shit on.]

16) Do not turn on the airration jets under any circumstances. This makes the party impossible to clean up afterwards and also disrupts the atmosphere in the tub. [NO ME GUSTA, ay yi yi!!!! Yeah, the jets circulating that stuff makes it "impossible" to clean up, not the crap ton of CRAP and JIZZ mucking up the filters. The jets are the problem here, that's reasonable.]

17) Please show up on time for the session. The orientation period is extremely important and helps to insure that the party will be a success for all participants. [I spent a lot of time making these "Hello my name is:" stickers for everyone, and the petit fours will melt after a half hour, and the Ex-lax brownies have a time table of their own. be courteous, for fuck's sake, you rude, late-shitting bastard.]

18) NO CAMERAS OF ANY KIND INCLUDING CAMERA PHONES. For many, the session is a "discreet" experience and respect for individual privacy concerns is of utmost importance. [The last thing we need is another round of OH MY GOD THAT'S MY BROTHER ON YOUTUBE ruining our lives. It's not easy moving to a new place and getting a new name, job, and new people to shit and come with, okay? Let's be discreet as we excrete. It's called respect, folks.]

19) If you have a health concern which you believe may be transmittable through personal waste material please wait for at least two weeks after the matter has cleared up before attending a session. [THIS IS REASONABLE. Especially when you're taking a stranger's word that he's not carrying E. BOLA. Or tapeworms. *hooooark*]

20) You are welcome to bring a friend PROVIDED I KNOW IN ADVANCE. Please do not show up with an extra participant. Thank you for your interest and contact me if you wish to participate. [Please make it a lady friend. I'm very lonely. And am easily shamed, so let me know ahead of time so I can put on my Dungeon Master costume. Chicks dig that.]


I AM BLOWN AWAY. Mostly by the extremely long list of RULES to shit with a group of people. Just sit in the lawn and shit on it, someone can dump a whistling tea kettle on your dong, and call it a night. Far less complicated, and it might even damage some things that you should NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO USE, as you like to shit and blow with people. In hot water.

Holy fucking hell, there are some broken humans out there. CLEAN THE EARTH WITH FIRE. Gleh.

My tummy hurts. :(

Comments

( 174 comments — Leave a comment )
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menomegirl
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
..................

I don't even have the words.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:26 pm (UTC)
HOW CAN THIS BE INTERESTING TO PEOPLE??
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nemesisstar
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:22 pm (UTC)
OH. MY. WORD! That is so incredibly disgusting...I must scrub my brain!!! Wow, people really are sick.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:27 pm (UTC)
It's just so fiiiiiiiiiilthy. And gross. And BAD. BAD, PEOPLE, BAD!!
turnonmyheels
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:22 pm (UTC)
I clicked in here to read this fully warned and with I thought [I was wrong, so so wrong] an idea of what was going to happen.

I thought it was going to be a suicide party. I wish I was right.

This is the grossest most vile thing I've read/heard about.

Can you imagine the yeast infection/uti a woman would get that would participate in this?

stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:27 pm (UTC)
I think we know why women aren't attending. BLECH BLECH BLECH.

This is definitely the most vile thing I've ever heard of. HOOOARK.
poshcat
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
>> It's not easy moving to a new place and getting a new name, job, and new people to shit and come with, okay?

I didn't LOL until this line. I can't even say the word "shit" in the same room as other people, never mind do the act in a hot tub. I don't know, maybe I'm just a prude.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
I CANNOT SHIT WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND. I've been known to be "blocked" for days if I'm staying with friends. It's a thing.

You're not a prude, you're like me. :D
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wolfshark
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC)
Okay - Ick. Has anyone got the brain bleach?
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
HERE YOU GO. Pass it back when you're finished, I'll need three rounds.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:29 pm (UTC)
How. What?! Why!?!?!?! HOW!??!

Augh.
halfmoon_mollie
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:35 pm (UTC)
??????????

EEEEEEWWWW!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
I am happy we are on the same boat. (I'm on a boat, mother fucker!)

This kid was obviously spanked AND kissed for pooping in his diaper. BAD JOB, MOM. FAIL.

And i'm going to be real upfront on this: not all kinks are okay. NO. Some are very very very bad. And gross. Or lame. This one is all of those.
(Deleted comment)
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tjournal
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:37 pm (UTC)
I AM HORRIFIED.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:42 pm (UTC)
ME, TOO. WHAT ON EARTH. Some people should die, that's just unconscious knowledge.
aimeelicious
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:39 pm (UTC)
uh...
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:42 pm (UTC)
BEST ICON EVER.
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shadowvalkyrie
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
Wait, WHAT? D-:"

This is... surreal to read. (And disgusting, and brain-melting, and... other horrifying, bad things that defy words.) But at least your brilliant commentary managed to make it funny as well, so it's all right THAT I'LL NEVER EAT AGAIN. Why, why, why, people?
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:43 pm (UTC)
JUST IN TIME FOR HOLIDAY EATING. Next time you reach for that fourth piece of pie, think of Gus and his Ranchiladas.

NO ME GUSTA!!!!
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rikibeth
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:44 pm (UTC)
I... I have no words.

I mean, seriously, I don't GET it. I'm not exactly a blushing maiden here, and I can sort of figure out why people enjoy things like enema play -- hey,muscle contractions -- but this? With the group and the hot tub and the FLOATING POOP?

EWWWWWWWWW.

I can be pretty GGG (in Dan Savage's terminology), but two of my hard limits are "nothing that requires trained medical attention afterwards, and nothing that involves heavy disinfectant cleanup!" Because, EW!

NASTY.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC)
NOPE. NO ENEMA PLAY. Nope nope nope. Clean out your shitter, then play with it, but FECAL MATERIAL IS NOT SEXY EVER. I'm kinda firm on that one, and I'll be the first to shame someone that's into it. Biology student here, sorry.

Yeah - disinfectant should not be brought into sexy times. BLERGH.
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tabaqui
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:45 pm (UTC)
........


You know....call me insane, but the thing that really sticks in my head here is....

How in the world do they 'release' on command? My body does what my body will do. I don't get to turn it on and off.

And. Uh. They can't go in the house. So, afterward, they get dressed again without having washed in way, shape or form? Or does he kindly provide a hose and a sponge?

*shudders*
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:28 pm (UTC)
I think the combo of 12 ours of no shitting plus CRAZY FUCKING HOT temps causes spontaneous butt explosions. GAH.

Yeah, I wondered about the walk of shame to your car parked a few blocks away. THAT is an EPIC walk of shame.
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parthenia14
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:45 pm (UTC)
Well, I hope that temperature is in Fahrenheit.

*off for some brain bleach*
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:29 pm (UTC)
If not, the rest of the rules would be moot.

I SEE A NECESSARY SABOTAGE.
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elisi
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC)
::is caught between speechlessness and hysterical laughter::
brunettepet
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:53 pm (UTC)
I had to stop reading at (hand sex). How can anyone find this even remotely erotic? I just find it sad and unhappy making. People are bizarre and sometimes not in a good way.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
Good for you for stopping.

WE ALL NEED TO KNOW OUR LIMITS. I think I now know mine.
vixielamenta
Nov. 17th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
LE HORREUR!

WHY, for the love of all that is good and holy, would ANYONE do this!?
I'm sure it's a BLAST to clean up.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
I think a BLAST is required. TNT. Or my preferred choice, ATOMIC.
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zyrya
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:00 pm (UTC)
But what's the contact info???
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
I'll email you. Lol.
moosesal
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
What is wrong with me that I wasn't even bothered by this? I mean, I wouldn't want to participate, it's not my thing. But I'm sorta...*shrug*. Whatever floats your boat (or in this case your poop). Clearly I have edited too much bad porn that I'm past the point of caring? I don't know.

I did, however, laugh at some of your commentary. Ranchiladas for the win!
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
OH SAL. Even *I* was grossed out, and this is ME. (New readers: not that I'm into gross stuff, I'm just hard to gross out.)

I am glad to know the commentary made you laugh, though. I needed that release. ba dum bum CHING!
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wickedsin
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:10 pm (UTC)
Now that I have read / learned this, I can't unlearn it can I?
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
Nope.
ethrosdemon
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:13 pm (UTC)
The rules make it real for me. This sounds like people I know who are into kinky things that aren't shit-adjacent. There have to be long, detailed rules because part of that community is being up front and frank so no one gets hurts mentally or physically.

I think this is real, is what I'm saying. For one thing, Craigslist is for sex.

Also, the Berkley thing elevates it to a piece of art.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
YES. It's so real and it's because of the 20 count list of Dos and Don'ts, right? GLARGH.

Can you imagine the patchouli stench that must emanate from this dude's lair? I like to think of the healing eye contact made at the end, too. "We're in this together. Like in a buddy movie when a hooker dies and they have to get rid of the body, but they all learn a little something in the end."

It's like that.
ruthless1
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
stinky is all that comes to mind......
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
Really? That's all? Mazel tov. (Hee.)
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weaver42
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
"You can shit in the tub, sure, but don't bring your disgusting-ass shoes in here. Ugh. What the hell is wrong with you? Put those flip-flops down."

Life is puzzling.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
"I mean, you SHOWER in those shoes. You know the kind of bugaboos that live in a shower? This come-shit tub (take that both ways) is a place of healing, of growth, and of togetherness. Your Tevas are bringing us down, man."
minstrel666
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
I can't eat anything. Forever.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
YOU'RE WELCOME.

....wait.
tygermama
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
NEVER. SETTING. FOOT. IN. BERKELEY.

NOT EVEN IN A HAZMAT SUIT.

Man, I hope these people don't have children.

Although the part about his neighbors complaining about the noise had me on the floor.
stoney321
Nov. 17th, 2009 05:51 pm (UTC)
I love that the neighbors are complaining about THE NOISE.

Gus and those damn Ranchiladas! SOMEONE LIGHT A MATCH.
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( 174 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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