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I'm sticking with the second. So I was watching Pride and Prejudice the other night, as one does, and feeling very disappointed that a classy porny version has yet to be made. Ang Lee, I'm looking at you. I need more than a soaked Colin Firth, is what I'm saying, and I'm sure I'm not alone. (As much as I can't stand Keira Knightly - the JAW! It will surely kill us all - what's his nuts in that version is tres sexy.) So I went looking for fanfiction, as one does in these situations. This is what ff was MADE for, right?

Problem is, so much of it sucks, as we all know. And while I wish someone would discover some dirty chapters that Ms. Austen failed to submit to her publishers (how delicious would THAT be?) I could be content with well-written ff. What will make me hit the back button faster than 5 Guys and 1 Tub (lol, that was one of the funnier things to come out of yesterday's post) is reading that Fitzwilliam Darcy UNZIPPED ELIZABETH FROM HER DRESS. Zipper?! Did she check facebook before retiring to her chambers as well? Did Mary spend her nights bemoaning her misfortune whilst running polyester through her Singer sewing machine? EGADS, PEOPLE. RESEARCH.

Also, one's clothes do not (nor did they ever) "flewn about." I'm no Shakespeare, shit, I'm no King, but FLEWN. That's like when my college roommate argued with me that "squozed" was SO an actual word. Head --> desk. (One of my favorite stupid people stories comes from my ex husband who asked me in all earnestness what language Frasier was speaking. As in the TV show Frasier. I'll leave you with that head scratcher.)

And on that note, I've spent far too much time yesterday and this morning reading through IDP manuals, checking up on road crew work, and memorizing the inventory at Talbots so this ridiculous little story I'm struggling with about Jason Stackhouse and Pam... Pam sounds right. Lol. Um, I'm on the far edge of the balance beam, clearly.

IN WOEBEGONE SPARKLE/TWILIGHT NEWS: I realized that my original plans to race out Friday morning to see the newest Twilight movie (FOR MOCKING PURPOSES ONLY, I've not lost my mind completely) isn't going to work as a) I'm hosting a shindig that night for upwards of 40 people and that requires cleaning, food prep, booze prep, etc. and b) I'm filming all day Saturday (whee, commercials are FUN and fast. I dig those.) and this all adds up to c) you won't get your dose of snark from me until Monday. I KNOW, I'M SAD ABOUT IT, TOO. I kinda need to go see it Friday morning, though, because that's when the craziest people go! Last time women were dressed up WITH PERFUME to see it, as if Edward Cullen was waiting for them in the lobby, just hoping to fall in love with a substitute teacher, or whatever. WOW. Good times were had by me loling over the Sparklepires and the women who love them.

I need to do a bunch of push ups and squats so I don't feel guilty about sitting on my ass all day writing. I'll get going on that aaaaaaany moment now. Any minute now.

OH WAIT, I REMEMBERED SOMETHING I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. Who is watching Curb Your Enthusiasm? I don't know when I've laughed so hard as last Sunday's episode. Oh my god, "My daughter's got a rash on her pussy." The sincerity in which that line was delivered had me literally falling to my side, laughing. Then the continued joke about that word being acceptable in discussions about a 9 year old... "I think I got this rash from my special friend. She's 9 and has a rash on her pussy." "Call the police." Oh man. That's my sense of humor, right there. I love you Larry David. I can't wait for the finale next week. SO FUNNY.

Comments

( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
rikibeth
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:43 pm (UTC)
If I were going to believe a deleted-scene naughty fanfic of Pride & Prejudice, it would have to be Lydia and George Wickham, not Elizabeth and Darcy. Or Kitty and one of the other soldiers. Or, hell, whatsername the teenage BRIDE of one of the soldiers who aids and abets those two -- for all I know she could be taking on the whole regiment and not just her husband. But Elizabeth and Darcy prior to the wedding, I'm not buying it.
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:45 pm (UTC)
No, I'm not looking for pre-wedding Elizabeth/Darcy, but the wedding night itself! :D But yeah - Wickham fic should be aplenty, right? Just... where is the GOOD fic? And fic that's longer than 500 words?
rikibeth
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:59 pm (UTC)
Hm. I know the costuming. If I re-read, I can probably get the language style. Wickham seducing Lydia is plausible and easy. The trick is to make it interesting!
maybe1ce
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
There is better quality Austen fanfic here: http://www.pemberley.com/derby/boiarchive.html but I don't think there is too much of Teh Pr0n going on.

Also, you need to see this: epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:01 pm (UTC)
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.

I wonder how many women pop those undies in the freezer so they can imagine it's actually Edward's frozen marble lips on their nethers??

(And thanks for the link!)
beadattitude
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow, and the first thing I wondered would Edward's icy tongue get stuck to Bella if he......

Wow. Talk about awkward.
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)
What do you do when you've stuck your tongue to a frozen pipe? Hot water.

Hopefully her hot... Well, you see where I'm going here.
beadattitude
Nov. 18th, 2009 06:38 pm (UTC)
Yes, and I believe my awkward dating moment stands. And you know, looking at the pictures of the cast in the Go Fug Yourself blog recently, I keep thinking - and this was my impression from your, um, reviews? - was that OMG, the werewolf guy is so much more awesome and looks like he bathes and WOW, not only does he look good in a wifebeater but cleans up like a cleaned up lovely lovely thing.

R. Patt seems to be made mostly of hair. And body odor.
maybe1ce
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC)
There is a joke to be made about Bella's tongue getting stuck to a frozen pipe. Please imagine it HERE.

judetwee
Nov. 18th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
julia_here
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:53 pm (UTC)
As of Monday, the multiplex my son slaves at has sold out ten theaters for the midnight opening of New Moon- which means a second show, as they can only show it in six at once. His calendar for tomorrow says "8pm-oh so very late."

It's a disease, I tell you.

Julia, me, I'll be rereading The Fifth Elephant
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC)
I may have to go to the Thursday midnight showing. That might be the most epic of them all, and let's face it: I'm going for the audience as much as the movie.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC)
A zipper!! He lovingly undid her zipper as she removed his coat and tie. Because men then didn't have seventeen layers on.

I may have to suck it up, do some pre-party prep today and go see it - we all need to share in that, I think. :D
liz_marcs
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:26 pm (UTC)
Heee! What language is Fraiser speaking!

In all seriousness though, Kelsey Grammer does have a very distinct Boston-WASP blue blood accent, which is probably no surprise, he's a descendant of a royal governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. (This is different from the Kennedy Boston-Irish blue blood accent).

That's why when it was revealed he was from Seattle, I was all, "BWAH?!?"

Other authentic accents in the "Cheers" family: George Ratzenberger (definitely working class Boston — even if he was born in Connecticut) and Nicholas Colasanto (Coach) who had a gen-u-ine Rhode Island accent.

Sorry about geeking out. Half the fun of watching "Cheers" was spotting the genuine accents vs. people who were trying to sound like they were from Boston and failing miserably — I'm looking at you Shelly Long — or not bothering at all — hello Rhea Perlman and Woody Harrelson!

(And for the last time, Cheers writers, it's "the T" not "the subway". No one in the whole of Massachusetts calls it "the subway". It's the Goddamn T! At least they used "Mass Ave" instead of "Massachusetts Avenue", because that shit would just be embarrassing.)

I'd hash on Ted Danson, too, but he worked a lot of years to help clean up Naragansett Bay in Rhode Island as part of his "Save the Oceans" campaign, so he gets a pass on it.

I'll stop now...

Edited at 2009-11-18 04:27 pm (UTC)
maybe1ce
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Regional high-five to liz_marcs!

And, having lived in the Hartford area for almost my whole life, I can tell you that plenty of CT folk have that similar working class Boston accent. John Ratzenberger does have the quality "NO(r)M!" that his character should have! I only wish we could have had more dialogue from Coach, if only because most flatlanders cannot comprehend the mystery that is the "RrrdEyeland" accent. It's like New York and Boston had a love child with a speech impediment.

But, now I want clear chowda and a coffee cabinet for lunch.
ethrosdemon
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
AND NOW LET *ME* BUTT IN, TOO!

If you're talking about the syncope of the R in those accents, it's called this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhotic_dialect
maybe1ce
Nov. 18th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
Oooh, linguistic nerditude! My micro-region has apparently been popular with linguists because of a significant occurrence of the Glottal Stop T that one usually only hears in certain Cockney British dialects. (Nearby folk will proudly attest to being from "New Bri'in, Conneh'ticut)
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
...are you not getting that my ex thought that an ACCENT = different language? Like Swahili is not English?

I mean he HONESTLY THOUGHT HE WAS HEARING ANOTHER LANGUAGE. Which begs the question, THEN HOW THE HELL ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE WORDS HE IS SAYING, DOOFUS?
liz_marcs
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
No, no. I was getting that. :-)

I was just cackling about the whole idea that regional accent = different language.
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:51 pm (UTC)
Yeah - that was a depressing day for me. A day of "WHY DID I MARRY YOU, YOU DUMMY, WHYYYYYY?"

I laugh now, obv.
ethrosdemon
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC)
Whilst in college I once wrote an entire paper spelling OF OV. Every time the spellcheck corrected me I was like "fuck you, spellcheck, wtf?" and left them in. I got an A on the paper, in part because my prof thought I was a comic genius.

This paper was for a Master's level linguistics course.

stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
COMIC GENIUS. Ahahahahaha, this is an awesome story.
arcana_j
Nov. 18th, 2009 05:57 pm (UTC)
For you, m'dear. Not porny, per se, but certainly steamier in parts than the original and the only non-Austen written Austen books I'd willingly read again.*

An Assembly Such As This
http://www.amazon.com/Assembly-Such-Fitzwilliam-Darcy-Gentleman/dp/0972852905

Duty and Desire
http://www.amazon.com/Duty-Desire-Novel-Fitzwilliam-Gentleman/dp/0743291360/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_3

These Three Remain
http://www.amazon.com/These-Three-Remain-Fitzwilliam-Gentleman/dp/0743291379/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2

All three are a retelling of P&P from Darcy's point of view. The first and third books (coincidentally the books with the most actual Austen from which the author could draw) are excellent. The second book is uncharted territory and deeply weird, (magic, scandal and Beau Brummel, oh my!) but certainly better than any zipper-laden fanfic you might encounter.



*The ones I would never read again are legion. Some of them I would actually consider using as kindling, they were that bad.
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 06:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the trouble of linking me! (Um, I'm wanting fanfic so I don't have to buy anything, and can have instant gratification, because the internet has SPOILED ME ROTTEN.)

But I will keep these for that day when I need something professional! :D
arcana_j
Nov. 18th, 2009 06:32 pm (UTC)
Dur, sorry! Instant gratification absolutely trumps a trip to leave cash at Barnes & Chernobyl.

I forget that not everyone has my raging allergy to fanfic. :)
poisontaster
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:10 pm (UTC)
My husband and I watch Curb. We have to watch it with the TiVo remote near to hand so we can pause it for LONG intervals of laughing so hard we can't breathe!

At the end when he started talking about his 9yo friend, I was CRYING with laughter.
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
I love the dissection of acceptable social behavior. Him blinking rapidly after the mom dropped the Pussy bomb, then deciding to blast forward with gusto was so wonderful. Asking about it in front of Jerry? Ahahahaha! "Oh, thank you, she's much better. Thanks for asking." LOL!!!
minstrel666
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
Latest "New Moon" news from my girlfriend: Alice has more chemistry with Bella than Edward. My inner femslash fanboy is confused about whether this is a good thing.
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
It has to be a good thing! I know that's a big faction of fandom, that Alice/Bella angle. Now it's time for you to write up some, yes? :D
minstrel666
Nov. 18th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC)
I have the perfect title: "Secret strawberry muffin'".
lynnenne
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
I may be wrong about this, but I think both lettered and stultiloquentia have written Pride and Prejudice fic. Not sure how porny it is, but they're both great writers. Check out their memories or tags.

<3
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
Ooooh, if they've written it, I'll def. read, thank you!
kseenaa
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
I know there is a book that has "deleted scenes" from Pride and Prejudice.... ;-) Ehm... It is... spicy to say the least. I have read it, but now I can't for the life of me remember what it is called. :-) Awesome fun, and so well written, you might think it is Austen herself that wrote it, where it not for the subject at hand. So to speak. ;-)
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC)
Lol, nice pun! :D
kseenaa
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:03 am (UTC)
It is, isn't it? ;-) Now if I just could remember the name of said book, you wouldn't need fanfic anymore. ;-)
wickedsin
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
You are, for the most part, the only person I go to for Twilight mockery (I'm all about the quality mocking) so I am going to encourage you to see it Thursday at midnight or Friday morning.

Do it for the CHILDREN
stoney321
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC)
Won't someone think of the children!??!

If I can get cookie dough made and balled and meatballs made and... balled, then I think I could pull it off.
wickedsin
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC)
well then I wish you all the best for your balling process

or something

that was so much dirtier in my head
minstrel666
Nov. 18th, 2009 10:02 pm (UTC)
Minstrel to the rescue! From Winslow Misrepresentation's "Culinary Humor: A Primer and Workbook" (London: Collins', 2008):

Here are some choice cooking/balls puns. Be sure to use them as conversation starters for your next cookout/party/picnic/Bar Mitzvah:

1. Looks like you've got a lot of balls on your hands.
2. I love meatballs! Especially with long noodles.
3. Maybe you could just grab a sack of Giovanni's meatballs?
4. You have to have a soft hand for my balls. I can give you the recipe.
5. I know it sounds queer, but I actually prefer my meatballs with dollops of creamy carbonara sauce.

Working out a "ball's in your food court" joke is left as an excercise to the reader.


My uni library carries the weirdest things.
wickedsin
Nov. 18th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC)
I think I may be in e-love with you just a little bit
a2zmom
Nov. 18th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
I am eagerly awaiting your words of wisdom and mockery regarding Bella and her unwashed paramour. And I appreciate you suffering so no one else has to.
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
Everything I do... I do it for you. Heh.
a2zmom
Nov. 19th, 2009 12:11 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for infecting my brain with that particular earworm.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2009 12:06 am (UTC)
UGH. I just ... she poses, she doesn't act. She's getting better, but her JAW, gah. How can I get my hands on McFayden busting his nut all up in the original Elizabeth Bennet!? LOL.

Thank you for commenting on SQUOZED. That's just too ridiculous to be real, AND YET.

Anytime someone challenges you on why you're really there, the response is "Back off man, I'm a scientist!" :D
may_lyn
Nov. 19th, 2009 05:33 am (UTC)
this isn't porn, but i do recommend renting 'lost in austen'. where resides, quite logically, zippers! and toothpaste and shaved beavers! i kid you not. go, rent! what are you waiting for?

btw? check out my halloween picture post. we had fun.
cdvla313
Nov. 19th, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)
I've heard of people camping out for the movie. Why, I have no idea, unless it's that important for them to be the first ones in the theatre...
lettered
Nov. 23rd, 2009 03:10 am (UTC)
I started in fandom on Jane Austen fanfic. I used to know some good ones, but I don't remember most. If you ever want to read epic Colonel Brandon/Marianne Dashwood angst, complete with getting-to-know-you, you're-sexy-since-you're-really-Alan-Rickman drama, I know two good ones! I actually quite liked them when I was 17. Actually I might still like them, even if they are sort of bad bodice rippers. I want to go read them now.
stoney321
Nov. 23rd, 2009 03:42 pm (UTC)
I would love those two recs! Mmmm, Colonel Brandon. And yes, he will forever be embodied by Alan Rickman, which is a fabulous thing. :D

I'm sorta shocked that I can't find... adult post P&P fic out there!
( 49 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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