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Before I get to brass tacks, I'm going to be out of pocket for most of this afternoon until Monday night. For those I regularly correspond with, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not here (most likely.) Sunday will be an ease in my schedule, should anything come up that you need me for. [/TMI]

Well, I'm seriously out of practice for fanfiction. No time like the present to jump back in and keep my writing flowing, or summat. It's a totally random True Blood/Sookie Stackhouse hybrid, a quick little scene or two, but it makes me laugh. Jason Stackhouse/Pam and some Eric, too. Considering how cracked-out that show is, it can only go up, right? Knowledge of Unknown Hinson and honky tonk songs are helpful, but not a must. :) It would also please me to no end if the Carl Orff joke hits some of you in the way I intended. (Hint: Orff is a hack.) Adult situations, so don't read if you're an impressionable teenager. You shouldn't be around here, anyway, kiddo.

(And if you missed the rec I posted last night and you love Pagan/pre-Christian religious texts and vampires, you need to read the ficlet "And they all did lament," and not just because it's one of my favorite topics ever. :)



Nice Work If You Can Get It



Jason pushed one ear of his headphones up onto his head. "Can y'all do that thing like Superman where you can outrun a bullet?"

Pam sighed heavily. If he wasn't so damn important, she would have eaten him by now. His child-like charm and his decidedly non-childlike bulge kept her intrigued and in the corral as Jason hung a new piece of target paper. Well, all of that and the order Eric had given her earlier.

Jason flipped a switch that sent the paper shooting back into the dark. He snapped the protective headphones back on, adjusted his yellow-tinted safety goggles and widened his stance.

He shot a cock-sure, "Watch this, babe" look over his shoulder.

Jason squinted his eyes at the target. His left hand held his .50 Desert Eagle, his right hand hovered near his right hip. Pam leaned back against the stall's wall and crossed her arms.

Jason grabbed the clip in his holster, slammed it into the base of his pistol with his right hand and fired off 15 shots quick as shakes.

"Hoo, boy!" He actually blew into the end of his gun, smirked at Pam, spun the gun on his finger, and jammed it into its holster. "You ever see shootin' like that?"

Pam weighed her options quickly, smiled and draw a perfectly manicured nail down the front of Jason's shirt. "Only when I watched things go down in Tombstone."

Jason's face paled. "You saw Wild Bill Hickok get shot up?"

"No, but don't you humans love to think we've been to all of the important human events?"

Pam delighted at the confusion that flashed across Jason's face, the look that quickly settled into that of a relaxed puppy. Her hand kneading at his crotch was to blame for that.

"Why don't you show me the other pistols you brought?"

"I only brought my granny gun, my, uh, oh sweet baby Jesus. . . . My Beretta Silver Snipe, um, good lord amighty, how do you know to do that to my nuts? A. . . 12 . . . gauge."

Pam leaned in, flicked her fangs out in a quiet little snick! and lightly dragged them down Jason's neck. "The other pistol."

"Haaaa... momma! I didn‘t bring no other pistol, lady!"

Pam sighed, her fangs retracted. "The other pistol? In your pants."

Still Jason hopped lightly on one foot, grinding and thrusting forward into Pam's hand.

"Your dick, Jason." She gave it a squeeze for emphasis.

Jason aw-shucked a laugh out and shook his head like a dog. "Whew. I can't be thinkin' all clear like when you're doing that to my nethers. Speaking of, why don't we find a place and do something like that to each other some more?"

What Jason lacked in subtlety, finesse, basic language skills, and hygiene, he more than made up for in the sack. Pam was almost afraid she'd misjudged him, something she hadn't done with a human in over eighty years.

Most men claimed sexual prowess and oozed confidence with no leg to stand on. Somehow this backwater Lothario had figured out the secret to being a good lover: making sure the other person enjoyed themselves. He also wasn’t adverse to biting, even though it took some cajoling on her part to insure that he could bite her down there. When he broke skin and immediately lapped up the blood, murmuring his apologies against her center, she climaxed, her joy-filled laughter causing Jason’s skin to goose-pimple.

Not a bad assignment, all things taken into account. He hee-hawed more than she liked in a human, but it never got old hearing how beautiful they found her.

“I even like them prissy old lady head bands you put in your hair.”

Then again, sometimes when it spoke, she wanted nothing more than to lock Eric up with too-small chains and torture him until he got over this Stackhouse obsession.

She stroked his baby fine hair back off his sweaty brow and cooed, “Tell me absolutely everything about yourself. Starting with your sister.”


*****

Pam entered the corporate account number into the appropriate window on her computer. The new pumps would match her earlier purchases perfectly. Talbot’s had a new color of cashmere sweater sets this season and it appeared that she would be socializing more. All the more reason to put a few things on Eric’s account.

Eric had complained once about the cost of some of her preferred wardrobe. Her next purchase was accompanied by a Post-It note that had detailed the cost of face and eye lifts, wrinkle cream, and anti-age spot ointments. Far less than the wee-platform peekaboo Louboutins that were a must this season.

She hummed to herself as she looked up Hermès bags.

“Chug a lug, chug a lug, makes ya wanna holler hidey ho, burns your tummy, don‘t you know. . .”

Belinda walked past with her arms filled with glasses and absentmindedly picked up the song, “Chug a lug chug a lug.”

Chow stopped in his tracks and stared open-mouthed at Pam.

“It’s just some ear worm I picked up earlier. And if you ever hear me so much as whistle that again,” she checked her earrings and cardigan, “stake me.”

Opening bars to Carl Orff’s O Fortuna snapped Pam out of her reverie. The name flashing was “Tedious Cataclysm” and she couldn’t remember if she programmed that as Eric or Sookie this week.

“Master.”

“Pam. I’m wondering how goes the little project I’ve given you? I won’t be at the club until later this evening.”

Eric’s voice was distorted by the wind.

“Let me guess, driving to Bon Temps? Honestly, when are you going to bed her so we can move on?”

“Speaking of bedding. . . ”

“Done. And thank you for the opportunity.”

“Really? So he wasn’t all bark?”

“No, bite.”

She could hear him smiling around his response, “Really?”

“I was, however, treated to a literal story hour. I got to hear all about his school days, his first time, how his parents drowned in their car, his favorite beer, and if you didn’t automatically guess Dixie, then you have lost your touch. I heard how sad he was about his Grandmother dying, but that was just an affectation for humans. He quickly realized that ruse wouldn’t work on--”

“Get to the part I give a rat’s ass about, Pamela.”

“Nothing. Nothing about his sister, they had regular human mortal parents of no consequence. They lived, they died, the end.”

A long pause. Eric snicked his fangs in and out, deep in thought. Pam patiently held the line.

“Nothing about his only living relative? I didn’t think it was possible, someone being so self-absorbed.”

“This is where I say something witty like, Dear Kettle, you’re black. Love, Pot.”

“Would it be tiresome to continue. . . pumping him for information?”

“I think that well is dry, but no, I find him oddly pleasant. He’s my junk food when I need a break from haute cuisine.”

“Oddly pleasant. Yes, that about sums things up.”

He hung the phone up unceremoniously. Pam pulled up a lingerie site to get some different work clothes, humming quietly to herself again.

“You better turn out the lights, sure enough, ‘cause I make faces when I make love. . . .”

Pam stopped typing and pressed her fingertips into her eyelids. “Eric. . . you-szarfaszú . Dögölj meg, menj a picsába!”*





Notes: Unknown Hinson (Early Cuyler's voice actor on Squidbillies) has the best troubador songs out there, like "I Ain't Afraid (Of Your Husband)" and my favorite, "I Make Faces When I Make Love." I like to imagine Jason listening to country/western songs about fucking.

And Pam swears in Hungarian, because I have someone in my house that is fluent, one, and two, she speaks many languages because why on earth not? Literal translation: Eric, you shit dick. Kiss the dust, and go to hell. It's highly offensive in the more lyrical Hungarian. :)

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Comments

( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
YAY!!!!

Man, that is good to hear. I stared at a blank page for days trying to figure this out.
turnonmyheels
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:09 pm (UTC)
I was gifted with an Unknown Hinson CD once upon a time. Unfortunately the one attempt I made to listen to it I was entirely too sober and couldn't find the joy. Maybe I should dig it out and try to catch and ear worm?

Delightful fic.
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC)
You might just need some booze in you. It's sarcastic troubador, you see.

And thank you!
turnonmyheels
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
The giftor and other listenees were drunk out of their skull, singing along and I was trapped being designated driver. Hence the failing to fall in love.

Alas.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC)
As to the RSVP, I just found out that my stepmother put the wrong number on the invitations. *HEAD DESK* NO WONDER.

So. I owe an apology. :D
minstrel666
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)
The Hungarian got me. I love foreign language additions. Must be my inner linguist.
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, awesome! My husband still has these "conversation cards" from when he started learning the language. (I think he enjoyed getting to work out the best phrases for me to use.)
minstrel666
Nov. 21st, 2009 01:24 am (UTC)
If you ever need somebody to cuss in Polish, just drop me a line.
marlo
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:09 pm (UTC)
Hey, me too. I saw an interview recently with Alexander Skarsgård in Swedish and I was like oh hot damn.
ethrosdemon
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
You are the awesomest ever!

This is six shades of hilarious and you need to do the sequel where Pam and Eric kick it next week.
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)
I will do my best! I also have some lulzy ideas about further Jason/Pam interaction, as I mentioned yesterday.

(In other news, those apple cider/caramel cookies are kinda astounding. Very unique, but very delish.)
geminai5
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
You nailed Jason! Er, and so did Pam apparently. :D And Pam's thoughts and reactions to Jason are spot on too.

I loved so many things about this fic, the "all things Stackhouse", "Dear Kettle, you're black, love Pot," and "pumping him for information" lines especially. :)
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:15 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, she sure did! Thanks so much for reading, I'm glad it worked out, WHEW!
marlo
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC)
I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU. I am obsessing so hard on True Blood right now. I went back and read your older entries on it yesterday, even. LOL Pam/Jason is cracktastic but actually has a basis plot-wise, yay! And is surprisingly HOT, and of course you are always hilarious. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
stoney321
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOU, TOO. (And if you didn't read that fic I linked, you should. All of her fics are so freaking gorgeous.)

I'm so glad you liked this, yay!
marlo
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
OMG I totally will go read it!
metamorphogenic
Nov. 20th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
Just when I thought I had gotten over the crack habit that is TB, along comes this story!

You had me from the word 'Pam', of course. And this pairing - I never would have imagined it, but OMG it works so perfectly and seamlessly, with Pam's snark and Jason's cluelessness and it doesn't even matter that I've never HEARD of Unkown Hinson, because it all just rings so true to the characters. And Pam & Eric's dialogue... LOVE IT! AWESOME! I suppose now I have to thank you for knocking me off the wagon...

stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2009 03:30 pm (UTC)
I'm happy to be your crack dealer. First taste's free! :D

I'm so glad to hear that this worked, even though I'm being a terrible influence on you, lol. Thanks so much!
deadsoul820
Nov. 21st, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)
Very funny!
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2009 03:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
chantal87
Nov. 21st, 2009 12:15 pm (UTC)
Has someone told you how fabulous you are today?
I will!
That was awesome. Sorry I cant be more articulate then that. It's too damn early in the morning. <3
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
NO! I'm preening. Hahahahaha. Thanks, sweetheart, and that's all you had to say! <3 <3
timeofchange
Nov. 21st, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC)
Well, that's just a perfect, perfect Pam. After reading your fic, and then following your link to "and they did all lament" I want to read more TB fanfic. This is all your fault. There I was, living in happy ignorance, thinking, "God lord, there's nothing in TB to write about, who cares about fanfic?" Now I must seek it out. Grrrrr.
stoney321
Nov. 21st, 2009 10:40 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked this, yay!

And seriously: there's not a lot of good TB fanfic out there, so I'm secretly trying to get people to write me some. :D
kseenaa
Nov. 22nd, 2009 07:35 pm (UTC)
That was so, so awesome! First True Blood fanfic I have read. :-) I am glad it didn't spoil me none. I have only seen season 1 so far. ;-) Sweden is a bit slow sometimes. :-D
viciouswishes
Nov. 27th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)
I love this. :)
stoney321
Nov. 27th, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
underthethrow
Aug. 31st, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
This is amazing
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2010 11:42 am (UTC)
YOU are! Thanks so much!
underthethrow
Aug. 31st, 2010 03:18 pm (UTC)
why am I amazing????
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2010 03:33 pm (UTC)
Because I am bad at accepting praise, so I turn it back onto the person who gave it!

Also, why AREN'T you? :)
underthethrow
Sep. 1st, 2010 02:34 am (UTC)
ACCEPT IT I think you're fucking hilarious

Good point. I am pretty awesome.
( 33 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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