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Food around the corner for me, oh de oh doh doh doh... If you're not singing along with me on that one, 1) I'm sad that you don't have that ear worm embedded in your brain from countless hours of watching cartoons and 2) are you trying to say you're better than me because your family took you on vacations around the world, soaking up information on the arts, culture, and civilization while I was parked in front of the 17 inch Zenith for days on end? I don't need your pity. Just your welfare. And food stamps.

And here is the full cartoon. You're welcome. That voice is another on my list of voices I can do. Yes, I'm extremely talented.

So, it turns out my in laws will be spending the holiday with us, but I sent ideas for food that she can bring so we don't have any carrot dimes (oh god, I gagged a little just thinking of them, the "recipe" is at the bottom, btw.) or sweet potato casserole made from a box (seriously?? How lazy and unimaginative can you get?) or an angel food cake enveloped in green frosting. Every gathering the woman makes those three things. Why the green frosting on the angel food cake? Why GREEN? It's inexplicable.

However! I am making things that are delicious, the Cowboys are playing (and I swear to the god of your choice, if you jackholes fall apart at the back half of the season AGAIN I may just have to support some loser team like the Eagles. Oh my god, I almost threw up in my mouth. I could never support a team from Philly, please forgive me, in the name of Tom Landry.) Attn: Roy Williams: you are this close to getting a head smack from me. If you need to put glue on your hands to hold that damn ball, do it.

I digress. Today I am: making ginger-orange rolls for breakfast tomorrow. Making homemade rolls to rise in the fridge tonight. Baking a pecan pie. Turning my chai spice cake into a bundt cake with my homemade pumpkin butter as a filling. Brining my turkey with apple, sage, peppercorns, cider and thyme. (Tomorrow it will be smoked for 8 hours over apple wood with apples, sage, and thyme in the cavity.) Oh, and I need to make sweet potato dip, since we all want mashed garlic potatoes with supper, and you need sweet potatoes for it to be an official Thanksgiving holiday (serving it with red bell pepper slices and pita chips..) I have a Pinot Noir from Sonoma to go with dinner, and a chilled bottle of Kendall Jackson for my mother in law, because she doesn't care about quality. HEY-O, bitchiness abounds. :D

I'm hoping to dive back into writing ASAP, so I may be anti-social for a bit. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed by all of the responsibility being thrust upon me from every corner and to insure that I don't get bitchy, I'm going to slap on some headphones, listen to Gorillaz and the Beastie Boys and some Rachmaninoff, because I like being unpredictable. Oooh, if I may geek out for a minute, I nerded out yesterday explaining to a stranger why Vladimir Horowitz is one of the greatest pianists around because the man is FASTER THAN A STEINWAY ACTION. There are maybe four people I know that give a rat's ass about that, and I love each of you with all of my heart. (I'd be MORE THAN HAPPY to explain why that is a big deal, if anyone is interested. *crickets.*)

OKAY. Diving in to my list. I'll see you on the other side. Happy abuse the Indians so they'll feed us before we rob them of their culture Day! Wait, that was too long so they shortened it to Thanksgiving. It's catchier, I'll give them that. :)


Carrot Dimes (Also called Copper Pennies.)

Get two bags of frozen carrots, cut into slices.
Put them in a ziplock bag.
Pour in one can of Campbell's tomato soup.
Add one diced red onion.
Add the cut green tops to two green onions.
Seal the bag, place on its side in the fridge.
Allow the "marinade" to soak for several hours, being sure to turn it over every few hours to make sure that delicious flavor soaks in everywhere.
Place ziplock bag in boiling water until the carrots are warmed through, dump into dish and serve.
Watch children burst into tears.

EVERY GATHERING. She makes this at EVERY GATHERING. Pass that cooking torch, woman, pass it on. My kids literally cry when they see that on the buffet table. So does their mama.

Comments

( 70 comments — Leave a comment )
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judetwee
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC)
I think I may throw up just reading about carrot dimes.
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:47 pm (UTC)
IT IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST THING EVER. And she haaaaaaates that I know how to cook and picks apart things I make whenever my husband or father in law give me praise in front of her.

WHATEVER, I can't help that I make things that are delicious, woman!
maybe1ce
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:42 pm (UTC)
The carrot dimes.....they are just....so.....wrong...........

On the bright side, I guess they are an excellent foodstuff to offer those concerned with overeating on the holiday. Because, seriously? Who could eat even one?
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
THEY ARE HIDEOUS. I'm not joking when I say my kids cry when they see them. (I had a rule that you must try a little of everything when you're a guest at someone's home. Unless there are carrot dimes.)

Everything she makes is so bland and flavorless and unimaginative. We NEVER eat to bursting if we're forced to have a meal at her house. Which... there's the bright side? Except for how our favorite burger joint is right by her house on our way home... Mmmm, Burger Street. Hahaha.
sdwolfpup
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:54 pm (UTC)
Oh honey, stop putting your faith in Tony Romo, he'll only hurt you again and again.

Also: Horowitz FTW!
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH WITH THAT TALK!! *sobs* It's not Romo it's the DAMN RUNNING BACKS. Also, if they run Barber up the middle BEFORE THE FOURTH ONE MORE FRAKKIN TIME, I might burst into flames of rage. SAVE THAT, for crying out loud. (ahaha.)

I love you for the Horowitz love.
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beadattitude
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
Damn, I'm coming to your house. My mother in law serves the SAME MEAL every year. EVERY year. Every YEAR. And it's all starchy/high carb foods. Peas. Mashed potatoes (which she puts nothing in so they taste like nothing), butternut squash, which she adds sugar to and would be plenty sweet if she roasted instead of boiled, creamed onions, two kinds of dressing, cranberry sauce and turkey. And three kinds of pie. Bor-ing. And as much as I volunteer to bring a veg (that I can eat) or something, nope, she's fine. So I'm going to bring a salad to counteract all the starch, so I can have a piece of pie. NOT THAT I'M BITTER OR ANYTHING.

Yeah, I might be a wee bit cranky. Um.

P.S. YOu know there's some remaster Horowitz on the market yes?

Edited at 2009-11-25 03:58 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:22 pm (UTC)
COME ON. you would be more than welcome. MORE THAN. My MiL does the same sides every year, too, just changes the meat from ham to turkey. Woman, I need variety!! And lol at you bringing your barganing salad, I support that fully!!! (Creamed onions? That's not anything I've ever had. I guess I'm on the wrong side of the Mississippi for that one.)

I do know that!! I have the remastered concerts on my iPhone for happy times. <3 <3 <3

(Also, I just want to say that I love you and your husband for being awesome, funny, and clever. Just so you know. I AM THANKFUL FOR THOSE THINGS.)
ethrosdemon
Nov. 25th, 2009 03:59 pm (UTC)
Today I am doing the ham (coca-cola because I'm feeling whimsical), the pie (yours again, but I'm cutting the butter as it was a bit too rich for me), and the rolls later tonight as well. I'm sure I'm forgetting something here. I already made the corn bread for the dressing.

Well at least it's not a powwow. I'm sure someone I don't know will come behind me and read this and be offended because they're 1/16th Cherokee.
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:25 pm (UTC)
Mmmmm, ham like that is crazy good. (Also: country pork ribs with coca-cola and ketchup. Ghetto fabulous in a crock pot, I'm telling you.)

Yeah, that pie is SO RICH. 3 TBSP melted and cooled would probably be better for you,t hen.

This is the first holiday in YEARS where there will be no cornbread stuffing. My husband and I are the only ones that will eat it (my kids are dead to me) and it's a lot of work for two people, you know?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god. I'm 1/16th Choctaw, so I get to be offended first, okay? <3 (I have an email coming your way, but first I must finish these chorizo breakfast tacos.)
turnonmyheels
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
ah, and here I thought you just didn't like copper pennies. I'm glad to see it's not even remotely the same.

er. not the recipe we use here at least. ours involves actual cooking and no tomato soup

Edited at 2009-11-25 04:04 pm (UTC)
ethrosdemon
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
I thought that was a New England thing. Huh. I like those, too.
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chantal87
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
Wow!carrot dimes...yep There are no words.
I do hope you have a fabulous T-day!!
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:38 pm (UTC)
I hope you and the boys have a great one, too!!! Mmmmm, food!
<3 <3 <3
cappy
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:29 pm (UTC)
Oh GAG. I actually had some once that weren't too bad, same basic concept except instead of the tomato soup, using that raspberry hazelnut vinegarette salad dressing~~ those did not make me puke although when I saw them on the buffet table I did think, OH GOD NO! NOOOOO! because I too have a person who brings this EVER SINGLE TIME but this is a DPS wife, a trooper wife, A SENIOR TROOPER'S WIFE, in fact, the wife of the oldest active-duty trooper in the entire state of Texas, so she's like freaking ROYALTY man & you can't say anything. I think she figured it out when for the 3rd party in a row the carrots were barely touched... So THIS time she informed everyone she had tried a DIFFERENT 'marinade' & would we PLEASE try them & tell her what we thought because 'Don just raved about them!'. So, being a brave little soldier, I did. Also the part where she was standing there hovering over my plate with her ladle & possibly the part where Don was standing right behind me... armed. Ahem. So I tried them under duress & it would never hold up in court. And they weren't GREAT, nothing I am going to be dying to see laid out next party, but they weren't half bad either.

stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
What is wrong with just CARROTS? Roasted, a little salt and pepper, some thyme, BOOM. Delicious, needs nothing extra.

There's nothing worse than being forced to eat something that just screams out to you "I AM NOT GOING TO GO DOWN WELL." Oy. My sympathies!! (If only the MiL figured out that us not EVER eating them meant that she should stop making them...)
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lynnenne
Nov. 25th, 2009 04:45 pm (UTC)
Oh my GAG.

But your stuff all sounds SO DELICIOUS. I wanna come to your place for dinner! *teleports*
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 05:05 pm (UTC)
Lynne, people are saying they LIKE THAT. (The recipe must be different, because how can one eat that damn thing she makes!?!??! PUKE.)

Come to my place, we're eating at 2! :D And then I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
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ann1962
Nov. 25th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC)
The carrot dimes I've heard of have maple syrup, or brown sugar or something like that. I've never heard of that recipe until now.

Your meal sounds delicious.
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
See, roasted carrots with butter or a sweetener (or both) is DELICIOUS.

Tomatoes, red onion and chives? PUKE. Nasty nasty nasty.

I hope it turns out, I love cooking big meals. <3
stephanierb
Nov. 25th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)

I'm gagging just thinking about those carrot dimes as well. But I have cooked carrot trauma, so really any version will do that to me.

I have to admit, I'm a lover of tradition, and don't mind the same old turkey, mashed potatoes, squash, etc. It's the one and only time we have it, so I look forward to it. That said, your meal sounds fabulous. I might be converted.

It's too bad your MIL can't appreciate your mad cooking skillz. I mean, if she feels that threatened, she could take a cooking class. I'm glad you don't let it bother you.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC)
I love carrots cooked, steamed, soup'd, raw, mmm. It hurts my soul to have them ruined with that concoction!

I don't mind a traditional dinner either, but it has to be WELL MADE, you know? Crappy food that comes out of a box every year makes me sad in my mouth.

She can't smell, so she can't cook well. And she clearly doesn't enjoy cooking, so why does she insist every year? I'll never understand.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!
fabrisse
Nov. 25th, 2009 06:18 pm (UTC)
*gag* OMG -- That recipe -- it -- there are no words, but my brain is trying to throw up from what reading it has done to my mental palate. I mean, yes, I hate bell pepper, but that's not the worst part by any means.

Your turkey, on the other hand, sounds eminently edible and I loathe turkey. I could imagine eating yours and liking it.

Carrot recipe from the south of France:
Take carrots, slice them into dimes or leave them in chunks
Add half their weight in water and half their weight in honey
Add one orange, pricked through with a knife or skewer, for every two pounds of carrots
Bring to a boil. Reduce to an uncovered simmer. Cook until the carrots are the texture you like. If you cook it for six or more hours, it becomes jam, so I'm told. I usually cook it for about two hours.

Edited at 2009-11-25 06:21 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 07:49 pm (UTC)
Mmm, I love sweet carrots. I like them savory, too, but I like the flavor of the CARROT to stand out. That's why the tomato soup version makes me want to kill puppies by beating them up with old ladies.

I love turkey when it's cooked right. Brining insures that it's juicy and flavorful, I highly recommend it. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
NOTHING ABOUT IT IS OKAY, IT'S AWFUL AWFUL.

Creamed spinach!! Oooh, I should add some of that with the last of spinach I have in the garden, EXCELLENT! Rootbeer or coke on the ham is excellent, too! And eh, I'm pushing 40 and am the only family member with enough room to have everyone gather (or knows how to cook, barring my younger sister who is an excellent cook, but has no space.) You figure some things out, is all. Key to turkey: BRINE. It makes the best turkey you'll ever have, hands down.

I've posted the chai spice cake before, but it's a layer cake. If I can figure out how to change it up, I'll be sure to post the recipe this Friday or Monday, PROMISE. Mmmmmmmmm!
kuzu_no_ha
Nov. 25th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
"Oooh, if I may geek out for a minute, I nerded out yesterday explaining to a stranger why Vladimir Horowitz is one of the greatest pianists around because the man is FASTER THAN A STEINWAY ACTION."

He was absolutely brilliant!

stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 08:40 pm (UTC)
YES YES YES! I posted that clip specifically because you can hear the action skip about four times in the first two minutes. GLAH! Astounding.
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viciouswishes
Nov. 25th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
I've already been nauseated all day and those carrot dimes... Ugh. Why do people do that to food? Why is that acceptable?
stoney321
Nov. 25th, 2009 11:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, poor baby! I hate feeling nauseous. And we are agreed: you shouldn't be allowed to do that to food!!
brunettepet
Nov. 26th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC)
Frozen sliced carrots? I'm crying already.

Everything you're making sounds delicious. Yay, Happy abuse the Indians so they'll feed us before we rob them of their culture Day! I love any excuse for a great meal!
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 02:29 am (UTC)
I KNOW!! It's all so horrid!

I got some turnips and fresh carrots, and they'll be scrubbed, drizzled in olive oil, sprinkled with sea salt, pepper and thyme from the garden and roasted. BRING ON THE GRUB!!
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gabzilla
Nov. 26th, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
Carrot dimes sound like they belong in the gallery of regrettable foods. :P Your MIL and mine sound like they'd get along at a potluck just dandy: mine does things with spam and half raw potatoes that has left my husband scarred for life.

I didn't have time or the wits to get things together for a brine, but I'm doing something lovely with lavender, tarragon and loads and loads of butter. (The carcass makes THE BEST STOCK EVER. Wonderful for an onion & white bean soup.) But while gearing up for the cookfest, the image of a Ride of the Valkyries popped into my head, with Paula Deen in the lead, bellowing "BUTTER, Y'ALL!"
ROFL's in the kitchen. My kind of holiday crack.

Yeah... cooking with butter. mmmm. I'm drooling already. Your dinner sounds fantastic... Just "slip" and let the dish of carrot dimes fall into the garbage disposal. Think of the children!
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 02:31 am (UTC)
RAW potatoes? I'm crying for your husband....

Mmmm, tarragon!! YUM. (And butter, yes.)

Brines are ridiculously easy. Just dump everything in a stock pot, bring to a boil, turn off and let cool. Dump your bird in there, enough water to cover, and let it soak over night. Then you just wash it, drown it in butter (ahahaha) and roast as usual! No basting, tenting, nothing needed. (Oooh, maybe stick some of that butter under the skin, if you're not planning on that already? I do that with roasted chicken. CRAZY GOOD.)
a2zmom
Nov. 26th, 2009 12:15 am (UTC)
Those carrots sound nasty!

But everything you're making sounds divine.

I am very well acquainted with that cartoon. (I learned all my Americana from cartoons. And my classical music too.)
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 02:32 am (UTC)
Her food is... not good. That's being kind.

I hope it all turns out, the bundt is cooling, waiting for me to put a glaze on it and it smells FABULOUS.

Ahahaha, I love that you know that cartoon. You're (evidently) the only one!

R, I'm thankful for YOU and while I know you've had a hard time this year (and how) I'm so glad you have your beautiful sons and loving husband and that they get how great you are. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.
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may_lyn
Nov. 26th, 2009 01:03 am (UTC)
gah.

confirming once again, why i'm a control freak, and make the entire thanksgiving dinner myself.
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 02:32 am (UTC)
LOL. That's why I host!! :D
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siapom
Nov. 26th, 2009 03:12 am (UTC)
Oh my god, I almost threw up in my mouth. I could never support a team from Philly, please forgive me, in the name of Tom Landry.

Darn straight you shouldn't! Pittsburgh teams are the obvious choice if you need a back up. :D

And, the carrot dimes? Ew.
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 01:34 pm (UTC)
PITTSBURGH TEAMS ARE EVEN WORSE, AUUUUUGH!!!!! ;)

chrryblssmninja
Nov. 26th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
ooh chai cake?
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 01:33 pm (UTC)
It is FREAKING DELICIOUS. I'll post my modified recipe later. It's currently cooling on my countertop.
setauuta
Nov. 26th, 2009 04:57 am (UTC)
C-can I come to your house tomorrow? Please? My mother-in-law has decided to do something "different" and is making lasagna. Now, I have nothing against a non-traditional Thanksgiving meal - hell, we had shark and other assorted seafood one year when I was growing up - but I don't know that I trust her cooking all that much. At least when it's the full turkey dinner, my father-in-law is cooking*, and he is a damned fine cook.

*that is, when they don't buy the whole thing from Safeway, as was done for the past two years. My FIL would make the sweet potatoes, at least, since that wasn't included, and there was one year that he'd forgotten the marshmallows and so used the Halloween ghost Peeps I'd given him (it's a long story), which was...interesting.
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 01:32 pm (UTC)
Ghost peeps?! But the granulated sugar! I... well, I guess it could work? I mean, the essentials are there? I suppose? Huh. (That's hilarious, btw.)
denelian
Nov. 26th, 2009 06:57 am (UTC)
my dad's life-long joke aimed at my mother: "i didn't know she was a bad cook. all i'd had before was military food, and even those fucking carrots are better than MREs"


because my mom? STILL uses that SAME RECIPE FOR CARROTS.


and i'm allergic to tomatoes :( i thought i hated carrots until i was an adult and *finally* had carrots that *weren't* totally tomatoe-ed.
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 01:32 pm (UTC)
Carrots + tomatoes = NASTY. Never ever ever!!
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supremegoddess1
Nov. 26th, 2009 09:48 am (UTC)
okay, that's officially the stupidest recipe ever.
supremegoddess1
Nov. 26th, 2009 09:51 am (UTC)
also, i am not kidding when i say that our thanksgiving includes your coconut shrimp and carrot soup.

it will be cooking on my stove shortly (for reasons related to the other half's work schedule, our t-day "dinner" will be at 6:30 in the morning).
stoney321
Nov. 26th, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC)
*sniff* Little tear...

I'm so glad you liked that recipe, I LOVE IT. If I didn't have such party poopers here, we'd have soup, too. Mmmmmm, carrot soup.

Good luck today! Unless it's a time warp and you've already had dinner, in which case, catch those crumbs on your lip. ;)
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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