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Inspired by this thread with the ever delightful slasheuse. Any mistakes (including a failure to include a Croydon facelift on Bella) are all hers. I mean, mine. Ha ha ha. I'm heading out for the airport in a few hours, so be good everyone! I need all of my expendable cash for my own bail money, so I can't help you this weekend. :D

Note: a few dirty words here and there, if you don't know what a chav is, think Da Ali G, Vicky Pollard, or Lauren "I ain't bovvered." Or take a Jersey Shore person and plunk them in England, listen to the dialect change. :) Also see: Snatch, which is one of my favorite movies of all time.

[ETA] If you'd like to listen, this story is now a podcast.

Before we begin, I like to imagine our lovers this way...






It's Twilite, Innit?




Bella's all "I said SHUT UP mum, god, you're a real wanker. I'm movin in wif dad, he don't get in me face about fings."

Renee goes, "Fine, I don't need you nohow, I've got a man, don't I? Sod off."

And she did. But the numpty cow left the Big Smoke and moved to some small town wifout no Mickey Ds wot stays open all night. 'Cept there was a bloke who was a rite sort and posh and 'is name was Edward, which was well gay, but he was an old school G or summat.

And Bella goes, "Look at me, check my tits."

And Edward sagged 'is pants and was all flashing signs and wot at 'is boys, not paying attention to nuffink.

And Bella's like, "YOU WANKER I SAID CHECK MY TITS, GOD SHUT UP." And the principal threatened her with an ASBO and Bella laughed and said, "Wotevah." And the principal remarked, "You're roofless, you is," and Bella said, "Innit, though?" And Edward was well impressed.

"Alright, darling, give us a kiss," he said and tried to juke wif her in the classroom and everyone said, "Ooooh!" and Bella gave them all such a look and shrieked, "SHUT UP!"

And Edward adjusted the waist of 'is pants so the ARMANI EXCHANGE label of his shorts was showing and Bella bit her lip and said, "You could use a tan, or somfing. Wha, you don't want to be branna? I want to have meself a little black baby someday and name him Fiddy Pence." And then she bent over the table to show off her fong from under her track gear.

And Edward snapped 'is finger against 'is hand and 'is boys shoved him to get a little taste and he did. And Bella said, "You are well 'ard, like freakin' marble or summat, let's go to my place and you can finger bang me afore me dad gets home."

And Edward was all, "Naw, I'm waiting for me boys to tell me you ain't got no crabs or nuffink, but in the meantime, love, you can give me a blowy," and Bella did and made sure that bitch Jessica was watching because she finks she so much better than everyfing and she ain't, is she now?

Later on and the like, Edward's fam was all "'ow can you be with this fat bint? She ain't even bovvered by her piss poor attitude, son."

And Edward's sister wot finks she's all that picked at her teef with her pinkie finger and said, "I fink she's a pikey."

And Bella, cos she was standing there the whole time they was slagging on her, gave Rosalie's ponytail a wicked tug and said, "Did you just call me a pikey?"

And Rosalie was all, "Pfft, I just said that, didn't I, wot, is you stupid?"

And Edward checked his Burberry cap in a mirror and said, "Ladies, ladies, enough, 'oo cares 'oos a pikey, just bring this hard workin' lad a beer proper like."

Bella made a rude gesture at Rosalie and then swiped a piece of silver from the sideboard to sell for booze money later.

****

Edward and Bella laid down in the parking lot behind Morrisons becos there was a few blades of grass and a weed that was in flower, so it was romantical and shit. And they laid there staring at each other whilst the world spun about them.

And Edward said, "Bella, I 'ave somefing to tell you."

And Bella sat up right quick, shouting, "Oh my god, you're NOT breaking up wif me 'ere, that will be the fourth time in-"

And Edward said, "Shut up and let me finish, woman."

Bella shouted, "Are you disrespecting me?!" gave him a look, then laid back down.

"Bella, it's time you knew that I is a vampire."

"A wot?"

"A vampire."

"A vampire."

"That's right, look, I didn't stutter."

"I didn't say you did, minging arselick, I'm just trying to listen, god!"

She glared for a minute, then spoke again. "So you say you is a vampire. Is that like code for somefink, like a gang or wot?"

"No, it's just code for I is a vampire, like I bite people and shit."

"That is WELL GAY, Edward, you do not!"

"Well, I got better. So no, not no more."

"Do you want to bite me?"

"Sometimes, but only sexual like, not all 'annibal Lecterish."

"Can you do enyfing, like fly or summat?"

"I can run really fast. Also, there's this."

And a weak ray of sun broke out of the clouds that perpetually hung over the factories and hit Edward full on in the chest.

"Fuck me, you're well off, innit?"

Edward fingered the flash gold chain about his neck dripping with diamonds - diamonelle chips, but the bint didn't need to investigate nuffink - and shrugged. "All this, well, I told you I was posh. I'm well cool wif my bling and Burberry."

Bella and Edward hooked up regular like after that and his family had to get over it, didn't they? He would bust in her house to watch her sleep while he teabagged her and took pics for his mates. She went froo 'is wallet when he hit the head and stole his money.

It was true love and shit.

But Bella's dad was a right tosser who didn't like Edward nohow and tried to force his pikey friend's son on her at every chance. His name was Jacob and he was a goofy fuck but alright. He let Bella do what she wanted because he wanted to see her muff as she was well fit.

Edward didn't like his bitch juking wif another mate, so he hopped in his ride and went to sort fings out.

"Wot are you doin' wif this minger, Bella? That is well shameful. Are you wif him becos I isn't black? I done told you that I would get you a black baby so you would be like them other girls, why are you disrespecting me?"

And Bella dropped Jacob's hand becos she didn't want to take the shame and she climbed into Edward's modified Nova wot had four spoilers stacked on each other and flipped off Jacob and his boys.

And Edward puffed 'is chest out at Jacob and said, "You best be warned, mate. I've got madness on the brain, and I intend on working through some things by kickin' your teef in, right?"

And Jacob pop-locked at Edward but then 'is pants got untucked from 'is socks, so when he dropped down to fix 'em, Edward peeled out wif Bella in a cloud of dust because that's how he rolls.

There was some bitches from Essex what tried to break them up but Edward's crew was all, "Oh my god, no you di'int try and mess wif ours," and they all fought and no cops came so it all turned out right in the end with one of their enemies dead, stabbed in the eye wif Edward's bling'd grill.

Bella told 'im he could finally have one off inside her bum for saving her life and shit, and they lived happily ever after or summat.

The End, rite?

Comments

( 84 comments — Leave a comment )
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maybe1ce
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:10 pm (UTC)
It's......It's......Glorious. A thing of beauty. Chav-tastic.

http://www.freewebs.com/chavbustersinc/Mr__Chav_by_vurtpunk.jpg
maybe1ce
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:12 pm (UTC)
(&%%*(( LJ coding.

I meant this:

... - stoney321 - Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - maybe1ce - Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
brunettepet
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:13 pm (UTC)
Holy Hell! This had me howlin' and that's just not fair cuz I has to be howlin' on the inside cuz the mister is still sleepin'!

This, this right here: And Edward adjusted the waist of 'is pants so the ARMANI EXCHANGE label of his shorts was showing and Bella bit her lip and said, "You could use a tan, or somfing. Wha, you don't want to be branna? I want to have meself a little black baby someday and name him Fiddy Pence." And then she bent over the table to show off her fong from under her track gear. The mating rituals of youth - so, so beautiful! Here, too: He would bust in her house to watch her sleep while he teabagged her and took pics for his mates. She went froo 'is wallet when he hit the head and stole his money. Teabagging - so romantical!

Oh, the drama: Jacob pop-locked at Edward but then 'is pants got untucked from 'is socks... and Edward and Bella peeled out in that sweet ride.

Hahahahaha! I'm all bright eyed and smiling and I haven't even had coffee yet. Thanks for that.
stoney321
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:19 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, thanks for picking up on the teabagging, lol.

I'm glad to have made you laugh, YAY!
slasheuse
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:14 pm (UTC)
AMAZING

I'm so sorry I didn't get to this sooner! If there's more please send it my way!
stoney321
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:18 pm (UTC)
DO NOT WORRY MY LOVE. This is all there is for now (I may have to do all four books, though, let's face it the biting the baby out scene would be WELL DISGUSTING) but feel free to email me fings wot I got wrong.

<3 <3 <3 you, bb! (The Boy asked if I remembered you, yesterday. LOL. He quite liked you. HEART.)
dangomango
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:30 pm (UTC)
i think i would actually buy this
Lol
stoney321
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:40 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, me too!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 3rd, 2009 02:48 pm (UTC)
I LOVE SNATCH, TOO. And hahahaha, I actually deleted that line from my post because of the very reason you mention, lol.

I had no idea how much I needed Chavlite: New Sumfink until that thread. And then I couldn't NOT have it, wot?
lostakasha
Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:01 pm (UTC)
I want to have meself a little black baby someday and name him Fiddy Pence.

Fab, baby! All of it, fab!

(Wasn't Fiddy Pence in the Disney remake of A Christmas Carol in 3D? No? Well, that stinker could've used a right bit of teabaggin' over Jim Carrey's animated nose hair. Blech....)

P.S. I &heart; you. Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!


stoney321
Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:16 pm (UTC)
Nothing could get me to watch the new version of A Christmas Carol, nothing!!!

I heart you, tooooooOooooOoo!
... - lostakasha - Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
marlo
Dec. 3rd, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC)
Fuck, you really got the dialect down! Brilliant. :)
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Mar! It's a wonder I could stop talking like that over the weekend, I was getting WELL irritating. :D
anniemare
Dec. 3rd, 2009 05:13 pm (UTC)
BRILLIANT!
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
ruthless1
Dec. 3rd, 2009 06:10 pm (UTC)
OY! That was pretty frakkin funny. Still will never ever ever ever see the movies or read the books but this is a much more bearable substitute.
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:09 pm (UTC)
That's why I do this, so you don't have to! YOU'RE WELCOME.
kseenaa
Dec. 3rd, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
*laughs ass off* X-D
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:10 pm (UTC)
huzzah!
(Anonymous)
Dec. 3rd, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
hey you
i don't know who you are but i want to be your new best friend. you write the funniest shit ever.
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:10 pm (UTC)
Re: hey you
LOL, thank you very much!
bu_doodlebug
Dec. 3rd, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
I just laughed so loud that Molly jumped. Brilliant. On so many different levels.
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:11 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sure Molly is questioning both of our sanity at this point, huh? :D
... - bu_doodlebug - Dec. 8th, 2009 03:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
chantal87
Dec. 3rd, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC)
OMFG!
That was chavtastic
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:11 pm (UTC)
Fanks, love! I'm well chuffed!
killiara
Dec. 3rd, 2009 11:15 pm (UTC)
It's probably a sad statement all around that I understood the novel version of Clockwork Orange more than that...
semby
Dec. 3rd, 2009 11:49 pm (UTC)
OMG, this was fantastic! See, I'd watch the movies if they were like this.
stoney321
Dec. 7th, 2009 01:12 pm (UTC)
I would BUY the movies if they were like this! Esp. if Sacha Baron Cohen was Edward.
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( 84 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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