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Such a great day today. Cold, blowy, icy... Turned into sunny and cold and hot chocolate wanting. Always of the good. Got many things squared away for Christmas, got my tree up and purdy (I'm not a believer, but I love the decorations of Christmas), and best of all:

HAPPY MAIL DAY!! Got a postcard from dovil with a wistful and at peace Kiwi holding his lover, er, sheep around the neck. Such girly and clear handwriting you have, my dear!

Got a CD of music from anelith with lovely Celtic and Bluegrass selections! I have to reboot my PC, then it is going straight in! (Apparently you are supposed to reboot more often than once a month. Huh.)

I got silly earlier (no, me? Shocking, isn't it.) and wrote a pamphlet for broaching taboo topics with family and friends. To avoid bitch slapping, don't you know. And thanks to sdwolfpup, I cannot get "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Banana Phone!" out of my head, but Emily is tickled by it, so it has been on a constant loop for most of the afternoon.

CDs going out tonight! I'll post the playlists later!


How to Talk Taboo, By Stoney

Religion:
Talking about God (unless you are on a bike with a skinny tie and a matching companion) is considered a no-no in mixed company. Tempers flare, feelings are hurt, and once you stab someone in the leg for not accepting that the Pharisees were a politically driven group of people, only interested in furthering their own self-interests, there is no going back.

The key is to use soothing words that make the other person feel at ease, while still maintaining your point of view. After all, if you are making the effort to tell someone your views (which are right, by the way) you are obviously more open-minded than they are. You did read Joseph Campbell, after all. What did they read? The Bible??

An example conversation may happen like this:
You: "You ever see those morons, the Jehovah's Witnesses? What a bunch of dummies."
Them: "I am a Jehovah's Witness."
You: "Then you must be the smartest one of them all. Bet you get into 'heaven.'" Don't forget the finger quotes.

Art:
The key here is to use big words to disarm your opponent, or fellow dining partner. To carry yourself with the air of the educated sets you apart from most of the yokels who just go to museums to look at "pictures." You go to find something that matches the couch, silly. And never forget your "feeling" words!

You: "Van Gogh (say "go" and not "goff") used "swirly" lines to express chaos in his works, and also because it was faster."
Them: "Actually, he was breaking away from the common "Pointillism" style favored by his contemporaries."
You: "I feel that this painting is overpriced. The artist must be a megalomaniac."
Them: "Actually, this painting is considered under-priced according to Sothebey's."
You: "Sothebey's? At least the words I make up sound like real words."


Politics:
With our country more divided than ever, it's hard to know which side the other person is on. It is best to start with a loaded statement to divine which party they are aligned with.

You: "It's a good thing President ____ won. What's up with those pinko-homos who didn't vote for them? They must be the stupidest people on the planet. I mean, do we REALLY want colored people to have equal rights? And who the hell needs so much clean water to drink when we have good old-fashioned Coca-Cola™ to drink? And if those girls didn't dress that way, they wouldn't get knocked up in the first place. Am I right?"
Them: *crickets before walking quickly away*


Sex:
Times have changed enough that society as a whole is more open to discussing matters of a sexual nature. People appreciate detail.

You: "So he's got me bent over the table, I got the butter dish sliming my gut up, and he gets the idea for "a more natural lube." Hey. You ever hear of "Prison Spooning?"
Them: *thud*


Hopefully this will enable you and yours to draw closer over the holidays and share the greatest gift of all: your unsolicited thoughts.

Comments

( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
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likeadeuce
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:28 pm (UTC)
bwahaha!!!
I love you. you make me laugh. been missing you around here. will definitely print these out and memorize for the next holidays with the fam. (we really need to work up a whole section for TV-and-movie themed convos since those can be the most divisive in my clan!)

hmm. . .doesn't Cordy have pretty hair in my icon? I used to have pretty hair but I pulled it all out because of this fricking application that is due tomorrow!

that's all I can think of.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:38 pm (UTC)
Re: bwahaha!!!
I wanna be Cordy in the next life. She inspires beverage creation in my home. I was thinking last night about the Bangs Nightmare in S3: when she had those weird, super short bangs that only punk-ish chicks with dark framed glasses can pull off? I miss s3 of Buffy Cordy. When he steps out of her car dressed in leathuh with stilletos? I think I sprang a few eggs.

I would memorize your TV/Movie conversations. I would need seperate sets for my folks and in-laws... Um, that sounded demand-y when I just was thinking out loud.
cordy hair and demandyness - likeadeuce - Nov. 30th, 2004 01:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: cordy hair and demandyness - stoney321 - Nov. 30th, 2004 02:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
cityphonelines
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:30 pm (UTC)
But I like blowy, icy days. They are a rare treat!
You're having hot chocolate, I'm having oven s'mores. Chocolate, bringing people together since before religion, art and politics existed... or something. Sex? Bringing people together since before chocolate.

Hopefully this will enable you and yours to draw closer over the holidays and share the greatest gift of all: your unsolicited thoughts.

And it's free so it's a win-win.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, I like blowy, icy days too. Hence the hot cocoa and the soup pot waiting to hold my chili for dinner. The sun peeked out a bit ago, and then it'll rain when the kids are home from school. Perfect.

And I'm listening to THe Muppets with john Denver singing "The 12 Days of Christmas" and Beeker cracks me up every year. I'm dorky like that.

Chocolate: the food of kings. One of them shoulda dumped the myhrr and replaced it with Hershey's.
inlovewithnight
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:31 pm (UTC)
I love you. I just wanted you to know.

::substitute "Stoney" for "Vaughn" in icon::
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:42 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry... *tears eyes away from pretty Vaughn*

Huh? Couldn't focus when such purtiness abounds...

*hearts you 'til you pop!*

*sweeps up ashes and makes you into salt-dough ornament to be enjoyed for years to come*
... - marlo - Nov. 30th, 2004 02:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 30th, 2004 05:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:30 pm (UTC)
DEAR GOD. Climb up in me and let me birth you. Can I share a kidney? Something??

My grandmother substitutes "kind of" with "kindly"

GM: Now, Earl is kindly fat.
Me: so he's nice and fat?
GM: Naw, he ain't real fat, just kindly.
Me: so what you are saying is he's a teddy bear?
GM: Laura (LAW-Ruh), you ain't listening. He ain't FAT. Just kindly. You know, portly.

Throw in hard core East Texas twang, and you've got her. Praise 'em.
sdwolfpup
Nov. 30th, 2004 02:41 pm (UTC)
Ah, I missed your funny. Never leave us again!

Also?

INTERACTIVE-ODULAR
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:31 pm (UTC)
Banananular...

*click of the shackle on my ankle*
NEVER!! *sobs into keyboard*
I'll never let go... I'll never let.. Hey. What's that smoke? Oh De-
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:35 pm (UTC)
Oh, I can't wait to get it!! I bet it's firey and spicey like my lovely Mari...

Speaking of great, shiny hair... :-) I've seen your pics. You have hair that must be touched!!

*muwah*
sangueuk
Nov. 30th, 2004 03:20 pm (UTC)
that was so bloody funny! I want some of that Texn butter, girl!
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:36 pm (UTC)
I shall ship some polar express to keep it from melting...

I added a link to the original post above with my pic on CrazyDiamondSue's journal from her trip down to Texas. Warning: I am not wearing makeup, so I have a bit of the Renee Zelwegger "raisins in bread dough" for eyes...
... - sangueuk - Dec. 1st, 2004 11:08 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 1st, 2004 11:14 am (UTC) - Expand
paynbow
Nov. 30th, 2004 04:19 pm (UTC)
I second karabair: Bwahahaha!!!
You: "It's a good thing President ____ won. What's up with those pinko-homos who didn't vote for them? They must be the stupidest people on the planet. I mean, do we REALLY want colored people to have equal rights? And who the hell needs so much clean water to drink when we have good old-fashioned Coca-ColaTM to drink? And if those girls didn't dress that way, they wouldn't get knocked up in the first place. Am I right?"

I do this all the time.......What?

More people should talk like this. Honestly, for my amusement alone...*g*
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:46 pm (UTC)
Re: I second karabair: Bwahahaha!!!
Seriously. I just let it flow. I think people appreciate my candor.

"That is a terrible color on you and you should be ashamed of yourself."

I mean, maybe that person didn't have a mother to teach her to get five opinions before she left the house and I'm doing them a public service?
Re: I second karabair: Bwahahaha!!! - paynbow - Nov. 30th, 2004 09:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
mskakaako
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:09 pm (UTC)
Heehee!

I was just thinking about the staff party that I'm hosting on Saturday and how everyone will have their spouses here. Now, I'll know what to talk about whenever there's a lull in the conversation.

I think I'll start with the sex one to get the party started.

I'm getting my tree tonight! Woohoo!
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:50 pm (UTC)
Whoo hoo! I think you should ask the wives of the working men if they are "kept women" and ask the husbands of your female co-workers if they are "pussies who let their wives be the men in the relationship."

It's good to know where people are coming from.

TREE!! Holy shit, I blew a circut breaker on my house tonight, and I haven't even put up the garlands!! (Is 1100 lights on a tree too much?) :-)
smashsc
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:19 pm (UTC)
Bwaahaahaa!

Over the holiday my two grandmom's managed to get into such a beautiful, finely tuned, highly coded arguement that my father didn't even know they were arguing and yet my mom and I good see that goodgran was fucking with evilgran like a cat with a mouse. It was one of the most fantastic things I've ever seen.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, southern women have taken bitching each other out to such a higer level...

Harping on my bitch cousin-in-law notwithstanding, I like to think that I can tell someone off and still have them feel like they got a walk to the door and a good night kiss.
... - smashsc - Nov. 30th, 2004 06:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
ropo
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:52 pm (UTC)
You're funny AND pretty?

::disgusted::
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 05:56 pm (UTC)
Smoke and mirrors, babe. And I pay some kid to write my material. I just do the voices.

*rubs your feet to make you stick around*
... - ropo - Nov. 30th, 2004 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 30th, 2004 07:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2004 07:48 pm (UTC)
It seems my work here is done.

I hire out cheap at parties. (generally a beverage and slice of pie will suffice.)
ex_dovil323
Nov. 30th, 2004 11:19 pm (UTC)
And you young Stoney, are the funniest of them all. I am dead. Dead from the laughter. And deeply, deeply scared, because what did I just post in my journal, but on staffroom etiquette and scary women talking in detail about their nipples while people eat sandwiches and gag. *is scared, while still being dead*
ex_dovil323
Nov. 30th, 2004 11:41 pm (UTC)
And yay that you got my sexually dubious postcard. The wonders and delights of rural NZ.
jamalov29
Dec. 1st, 2004 02:19 am (UTC)
You rock , sweetie , you know that , right ?

Thank you for the link to the fantastic picture : You're simply so lovely and your smile is beautiful and your hair is gorgeous , and I LOVE YOU !
I'm so happy happy happy to know how you look.

I'm going to post some recent pics , too.

Your " How to talk taboo " made me laugh so good.

(And you will have your french music , it's a nice idea )

*smooches*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2004 10:58 am (UTC)
My sister's kids are both in December: 12th, and 27th. Boo. They live in AZ where it's warm at this time, so they throw a special "December" b-day party with one of their friends who has the same situation. Bounce House, cake, fun, but in one afternoon so it's not a hardship of friends and family.

And their Aunt always sends them a B-day AND X-mas present. They can't help it that their folks were twitterpated during the beginning of Spring...

I didn't have much on your CD, so it is FANTASTIC! Once I can get the cotton out of my ears (all 3 kids and I are down for the count today) I'll give you a proper review.

It's so bad, Mr. Stoney is flying back to help me. Waaaahhh...
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( 42 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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