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I had to go back and read the "Harry, rock the fuck out." bad!fic where Harry Potter kicks vampires to mars, who then turn the existing Marsian Cavemen into vampires and receives praise from Dumbledore. (That would be the 'Harry, rock the fuck out' quote.)

And the more I read it, the more I'm convinced that this is an elaborate ruse by Jack Black.

"Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."

Do you see what I mean??

"As his ocular ducts began to well with ancestral pride, so too did the countless meaty members sprouting from the rape ape's every hairy inch. From his eye sockets, ear holes, even his calloused toes, a penile font of cry-juice birthed a deluge."

CRY-JUICE. Or as less awesome people would call it, "tears." You think the rape ape (rape ape, rape ape err, please tell me you get the Hanna Barberra reference) squirts out something as weak as tears? He shits eye juice from his cock-eyes, (lol) weaklings! Then hops a space copter to Planet Tits and through the force of a diminished E chord, blasts that mofo into oblivion and also into full cans of Copenhagen and Jack Daniels, which then rains down on naked ladies teeming with want and leather.

Dude, this stuff is crack. Huh. Maybe I wrote that stuff while tweaking on mushrooms and listening to Iron Maiden and staring at the Yellow Submarine album cover.

This is how I pass the time while my sister takes her bath and styles her hair. Um, it's a lengthy process for her. :) [And for those curious, things are going very well. \o/]

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( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
I mean, if it's intentional, it's kind of weak. I really think it's a genuine "I'm awesome, I'm going to show people how to knock this bitch out of the PARK!" type of fic. It just makes me happier, that way.

We're going to paint our nails in a bit, per her request. (Request = going into my bathroom, rooting around until she found fingernail polish, then handing it to me and waiting for me to get it. Ahahaha.)
marlo
Jan. 25th, 2010 05:58 pm (UTC)
That's awesome! It sounds like a fic written by Tenacious D.
marlo
Jan. 25th, 2010 05:59 pm (UTC)
oh jesus, I didn't read your fucking subject line. I'm a dork *facepalm*
... - stoney321 - Jan. 25th, 2010 06:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
a2zmom
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:01 pm (UTC)
I don't even know what those sentences MEAN.

Glad to heat that your sister is fitting right in.
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:02 pm (UTC)
It's like, if we just had a decoder ring, we might be able to solve all of the world's problems! Or blow it up, it could go either way.

It's been shockingly easy. <-- famous last words? :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:10 pm (UTC)
MIND BULLETS. That is my most favorite weapon of death, it must be said. LOL.
entrenous88
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:47 pm (UTC)
This is how I pass the time while my sister takes her bath and styles her hair.
Awww! I don't know why I find this so charming, but I really do. I'm picturing her with big curlers in her hair, btw. :)
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, not too far off! She used her hair dryer and rolled brush to style her bangs. I can't even use a brush and hair dryer at the same time.

...and now she's reading Alice in Wonderland and putting her hair back in a ribbon. Cracking up over here!
brunettepet
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
It is no ruse, it is high art. Really, really high. Now I'll have the phrase countless meaty members cluttering up my brain pan for the rest of the day. Thanks.
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:10 pm (UTC)
It's High Times high.

And you're welcome. (hahaha.)
minstrel666
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC)
It's a like an 80's speed metal album cover painter suddenly decided to write HPfic and IT IS GLORIOUS!

Also, I get the Hanna Barbera reference because I am an HB whore.

PS. Here is the theme music to HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH: http://dod.vgmix.com/past/sepoct05/QUICKSHOT-MM3-Tomorrow-DoD.mp3
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU I KNEW YOU WOULD GET IT!!!

It's just... AWESOME. Rock the fuck out, Marek!
... - minstrel666 - Jan. 25th, 2010 08:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
beadattitude
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:56 pm (UTC)
Whoa. It's like reading something composed by a centrifuge.
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:11 pm (UTC)
That is THE most descriptive way to define this story, hands down.
... - beadattitude - Jan. 25th, 2010 07:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
a_mistletoe
Jan. 25th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
Maybe I wrote that stuff while tweaking on mushrooms and listening to Iron Maiden and staring at the Yellow Submarine album cover.

This was my first thought before I even got to the second extract. Are you sure it wasn't you? mmm? MMM? I doubt even Jack Black has that breadth of vocabulary. Worryingly, I understood every word.

Edited at 2010-01-25 06:59 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:12 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahah. AND I HAVE NO IDEA. Maybe I am actually Jack Black?! *takes another hit* Duuuuuuuuuuuuude.
weaver42
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:15 pm (UTC)
"Groinsaw."

The future is now.

-- c.
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:17 pm (UTC)
IS THAT THE MOST METAL THING EVER???

I think the writers of "From Dusk 'Til Dawn" read this and concocted the cock-gun.
wickedsin
Jan. 25th, 2010 07:53 pm (UTC)
The Grapist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqq051BU2MY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqq051BU2MY&feature=player_embedded

and yes, Grape Ape reference totally gotten

(I had to get someone to send the YouTube link so I hope one of those works, the site is blocked at work.)

Edited at 2010-01-25 08:00 pm (UTC)
mosrael
Jan. 25th, 2010 08:17 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, I love that fic so much.

I can't help but think that it's been edited at some point, though, because I recall its... ahem... rather distinct wording, and it's ever so slightly different. The wording I recall is It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but nevertheless he was trying to learn something. It was the deadpan delivery of that last part that cracked me up. /Tangent, I dunno, it just made me pause.

On the subject of crackfics, this may be right up your alley. :D
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 08:34 pm (UTC)
I was sent the link to that fic years ago and LOST IT. You are a godsend!!

And you know, I noticed that it had been edited as well. There are also two or three new chapters, all recently added. "Chapters." Lol. This is the shit people write when they're tripping balls and looking into mirrors, hurriedly scribbled onto toilet paper with lip stick/eyeliner.
thefuzzyhat
Jan. 25th, 2010 08:32 pm (UTC)
Yay for things going well with your sister! <3

Now, that fic. I'm not going to lie I'm going to draw fanart of this: "...the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles"

Yes. YES, I AM.
stoney321
Jan. 25th, 2010 08:35 pm (UTC)
AND YOU WILL LINK BACK TO ME SO THAT I MAY WITNESS AND SHARE IN THE GLORY!
... - thefuzzyhat - Jan. 25th, 2010 08:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
luvxander
Jan. 25th, 2010 08:47 pm (UTC)
Just from the two lines you posted, I am scarred for life.

SCARRED!!!! I tell you.

penile font of cry-juice birthed a deluge

Really? You couldn't just say "And he cried."?
meridius
Jan. 26th, 2010 04:15 am (UTC)
OMFG you are right - that is SO Jack Black! =O
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( 33 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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