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Monday of laziness, y/y?

This weekend I pulled out several shrubs that have disappointed me for the last time [/Darth Vadar exhale/inhale] and have made way for an enlarged prostate vegetable bed. Which means I had to get some veggies in, so carrots, garlic, onion, and peas are all settled. And just in time for the rain today, which is just hard enough to induce laziness on my part, YAY. Also, holy crap, my back forgot how hard gardening is (if you do it like I do - with a trapeze, balancing a Volkswagen on your shoulders, and tap dancing - what, it's an ART FORM) so I really really want to be lazy today.

So the big question is: do I watch Persuasion, a fabulous BBC adaption of a Jane Austen book and call it "working on my craft" because the performances are truly masterful, do I hole up in my bedroom and read sci-fi, do I do chores including but not limited to vacuuming, mopping, and general tidying if you pick that one, you are DEAD TO ME, do I write more revisions in my book that is going nowhere, or do I add more to these WiPs of cracktasticness?



"I Gave My Soul To Jesus, But I Left My Heart For You" A wicked tale of a Buffy Roper (what them cowgirls what ride atop them harses and circulate them barrels on said harses do) who tries to make Bull Rider Spike lose ever-damn-thang. Meant to make fun of so many things. So many. Haven't touched this in years. Probably won't touch it again, because IT IS RIDICULOUS.

"The crowd about came undone. Everyone was on their feet clapping and cheering and hollerin', and since I promised to be straight with you, leaning forward hoping to catch a glimpse of some bloodshed. Not since Jim Bowie was bayoneted in his cot and the dreams of independence were put on hold for a year have a people been more disappointed. The buzzer chimed, the chute opened, and the bull walked out. Folks, I'm telling you that Satan's Helper, a bull that took away the procreation ability of scores of men, sauntered outta that damned chute and began to scratch his nose on his leg.

Well, you don't need me to tell you that you could'a knocked that crowd over with a feather. And sittin' high and pretty on that tamed beast's back was that feller'd broke our gal's heart and soul, lookin' just as confused as a Pentecostal preacher on a Gay Pride float. Not that I have nuthin' against them peoples, I'm just making a point.
"



Maybe my most favorite thing, even though most of you questioned my sanity and steered clear, STALLIONCREST. I have rewritten this as a screenplay, because - by god - this is going to be animated and put on the web, I just need to write the last two chapters. And Skidoodle is Oirish, as every soap opera should have a proper Oirish hero, that is, if by proper soap opera I mean Days of Our Lives, which I of course mean. Also, it should go without saying that a "bridal bridle" is maybe my most favorite thing I've ever written. As well as the obligatory soap opera fawning over a wedding and all the accompanying accoutrements.

And who wouldn't love to be able to write "Meanwhile, back at the ranch" and mean it? Or bedeck a horse in platinum and diamond-crusted horseshoes? LOL. "Tree-tirty-tree, lads, the most magical toime in all of Oirland!"

Fancy trotted to the fence, tossing her majestic golden mane into the sunlight. She knew she looked beautiful in the fading light of day with her chestnut coat gleaming and her freshly combed mane and tail ruffling in the breeze. She hoped the shiny glint would attract a certain somehorse to realizing that she was out of her corral, and all alone at that. But for all the prancing and whinnying she did, no one came to see her, to touch noses and be off like the wind, racing along the fence with her until her limbs were trembly, her mouth filled with foam, and her haunches soaked with sweat.

But a filly could dream and, it seemed, dream was all Fancy could do these days at the Star W Double T Walking F Rocking U Flying C Circle K Ranch in the heart of Kentucky. (Branding was a real bitch.)

Fancy rested her hoof on the bottom rung of the split-rail fence and dreamed. Dreamed of being out and away from the WTFUCK Ranch, maybe making the Kentucky race circuit, but mostly she dreamed about Skidoodle, the handsome colt that Hank, the ranch hand with the thick Maine accent, had brought to the Ranch earlier that day. Skidoodle was a glorious Appaloosa with a mottled ashen-grey body, an unknown and heavily rumored background, and eyes full of mischief.




No, no, no, THIS is my most favorite thing ever, and you all suck (except for four people on the planet) that read it, because ARE YOU KIDDING ME THIS IS GENIUS. I'm talking, of course, of me re-writing Squidbillies putting Rusty Cuyler in the place of Harry Potter. DOUBLE TRUCKIN' THE TRICKY TWO. I MEAN, COME ON. He's the bastard offspring of Early Cuyler and Ron Weasley. And his family kept shooting the Owls coming to deliver his Hogwarts letter and eating said Owl. Filled to the brim with the rich taste of North Georgia Redneck!

When you live in the mountains of North Georgia with a father that considers education of any sort to be "puttin' on airs," it's likely that your view of the world beyond the pine trees and deer stands is murky at best. Rusty Cuyler had never set foot off his family's mountain, which, coincidentally, was a covered up strip mining dump site, which before that used to be a landfill, and before that served as a nuclear testing site. If we go back further in time, even the native Indians used that particular spot for a dumping ground.

Rusty Cuyler was also a squid, so to say his opportunities in life were limited was an understatement. His father, Early, was working on his truck boat truck - a truck hitched to a souped-up boat, which was in turn hitched to another truck - one afternoon when something flew close overhead.

"Rusty, go get me my shootin' piece."

"You gonna kill something, Daddy? Kill it dead, whoo!"

Rusty loaded the sawed off with two rounds and handed it over. Early aimed and shot true. A hail of bloody feathers rained all over the truck boat truck.

"Aw, hell no. Now I gotta tump the rain barrel over and clean this summbitch again."

A piece of paper floated down among the feathers. Rusty picked it up and saw that it was a part of an envelope. What he could make out under the singe marks was his name and the return address that read only "Hogw-".

"Daddy, I think that bird done had a letter for me."

"Don't be an idjit, birds don't carry letters. Them carrier pigeons is a damned lie."



...clearly I enjoy writing stereotypes and accents. But to make fun of us, never them. Except for in these three cases. Lol. In conclusion, I am doing everything I can to avoid laundry, mopping, and toilet cleaning. Won't you please help?




Not related to anything, but simply hilarious to me, I came across the sentence (in a description of a story) "contains an erotic ass message." WHAT. So I have come up with some erotic ass messages, as I didn't have the heart to go digging through the crap to find the actual thing.

  • "Pffffffffft - but chocolate and rose scented" [I'm 12, I can't help myself.]
  • "Dear Barbara, this isn't for you, but for your hammy globes of sititude and seat resting: I <3 you and want to do things to you that do not involve filling in your tight pants, unless by filling in you take that to mean ME, Love, Barb's Booty Call - see what I did there?"
  • "Dear Ass: I want to clothe you in the finest silk panties, take you on a hot air balloon ride over Paris at night where we will eat the finest in sparkling cider and maybe some strawberries and Velveeta, and then I will blow ya mind with some hand-picked rose petals that I will trace your flesh with before taking you on a one-way ticket to pound town on the finest 250 thread count sheets in my parent's basement apartment, girl."
  • "Pfffffffft - but scented with Booty Juice air freshner and the finest cuts of deli meat known to man, damn"


~Brought to you by Smoove B. Lol. OH MY GOD I AM BORED.

[ETA] I can officially announce that Blood on the Highway has a US DVD distributor and will be available in June, ALSO: it will be showing on SHOWTIME. Awesome!! (And it pisses me off every time I see that ONE review on imdb screwed the overall star count, because the person didn't get that this wasn't a proper horror movie, but a SPOOF. Good hell. 'I wasn't skeered.' Moron.)

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
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halfmoon_mollie
Mar. 1st, 2010 04:20 pm (UTC)
I vote for Persuasion - which adaptation is it, the newer one or the older one (1995, with Ciaran Hinds, which I totally love.)

Hm, it seems 'hinds' fits in with the rest of this post...
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 04:23 pm (UTC)
1995, the best one! And lol!
... - halfmoon_mollie - Mar. 1st, 2010 04:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
zyrya
Mar. 1st, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
Watch Persuasion. Here, I'll watch it, too.

After you've done the housework, of course.

(And SQUEEE I will be able to see BotH. This is hugely exciting. SQUEEEE.)
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 04:52 pm (UTC)
I WILL NOT DO THE HOUSEWORK!! *cries* Oh my god, the laundry piles...

Except, Persuasion is a good movie to have on while I fold, hmm. CURSE YOU! ;)
entrenous88
Mar. 1st, 2010 05:48 pm (UTC)
STALLIONCREST!!! I am biased toward that one, it's true. Though I liked that Buffy cowgirl one, and the bit about her cankles. *ponders*
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:24 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT WITH STALLIONCREST. I mean, how could you not love thoroughbred horses in tiaras and smoking jackets?! LOL. <3
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:25 pm (UTC)
Hahahahhaha, hooray! Hopefully we'll still be friends. :D

I've not seen the Emma adaption that you mentioned, I'll have to go check it out!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:25 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA. I'll totes help you cheat, zomg.
minstrel666
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
I have take the liberty of parsing the paragraph before the Buffy fic excerpt through Translation Party...

"Story of love, women Ropakurosumaihato 1) North Main, one on the left side of the barrel, I (Part harses "1 whether or not, whether if is whether this method can specify whether to create a good leg can harses to test is as follows: "I have a good point, Jesus Christ, please enjoy the spirit of many yesterday morning. Bururaidasupaiku - hearts - lose a button. As a result, this year can not touch. In addition Shire has backup."

It was a fantastic ride throughout, but I totally lost my cool when it turned out Frodo Baggins has Buffy's back. And Bururaidasupaiku better in the new Kamen Rider movie, dammit. >:(
ipnotika
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:23 pm (UTC)
BL!
But Stoney, I want need to talk about Big Love! I shan't make any commentary until I know if you've seen yesterday's episode.
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:26 pm (UTC)
BIG LOVE SPOILERS!
I HAVE. GO FOR IT!! (I feel like I'm a broken record, so I didn't want to bore everyone, but I'm ALL ABOUT talking about it here!)
Re: BIG LOVE SPOILERS! - ipnotika - Mar. 1st, 2010 06:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: BIG LOVE SPOILERS! - ipnotika - Mar. 1st, 2010 06:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: BIG LOVE SPOILERS! - stoney321 - Mar. 1st, 2010 06:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: BIG LOVE SPOILERS! - ipnotika - Mar. 1st, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
jazzqueen
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:24 pm (UTC)
Ahaha, that Buffy fic! Just read it for the first time and I definitely want more! If you are so inclined, of course. Those two parts the only parts?
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 06:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah, those are the only two parts I wrote, because I'm sure I felt the need to rewrite the Godfather with the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, too, who knows. LOL.
... - jazzqueen - Mar. 1st, 2010 07:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
69512
Mar. 1st, 2010 07:03 pm (UTC)
Definitely Persuasion. Maybe twice. I love that movie so much. OMG that scene where she reads his letter. And Lucy, the horrible example. My favorite Jane Austen story.
(Deleted comment)
moosesal
Mar. 1st, 2010 08:22 pm (UTC)
I vote for Persuasion and then working on Stallioncrest (which I think is brilliant).
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 09:50 pm (UTC)
YOU ARE MY OFFICIAL FAVORITE.

(Also, it will make you laugh to know that I had a very naughty dream about Corey Feldman the other night. The hell?? Must have been from watching The Goonies the other day...)
... - moosesal - Mar. 1st, 2010 11:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
anniemare
Mar. 1st, 2010 09:33 pm (UTC)
Woah!

"Fancy trotted to the fence, tossing her majestic golden mane into the sunlight. She knew she looked beautiful in the fading light of day with her chestnut coat gleaming and her freshly combed mane and tail ruffling in the breeze."

Did you know my first horse or something? Little chestnut mare named.... Fancy!
marlo
Mar. 1st, 2010 10:31 pm (UTC)
I'm the only one voting for sci-fi. And your afternoon is probably over by now. But I'm voting for it nonetheless! :D
stoney321
Mar. 1st, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC)
HEY GUESS WHAT I DID? Read scifi and played Fallout3, because I'm an addict for that game. (And the book is The Windup Girl, I highly recommend it!)
... - marlo - Mar. 1st, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
a2zmom
Mar. 1st, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
I am still waiting for the thrilling conclusion of Stallioncrest. How can I sleep at night with that kind of cliffhanger hanging?
fishwithfeet
Mar. 2nd, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
I dunno... horses AND a horrible soap opera plot line? Stallioncrest for sure.
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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

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