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This really is the last I'll post about all of this hot mess.

I want to say how proud of us I am. How proud of the women that know that a large part of what makes us strong women is our sense of nurturing, our ability to love and to care for others. I'm not saying men can't feel this, but guys, y'all have had the reins for a few millennium, this is our time, our time! Down here! [/random Goonies reference, lol.]

The one thing to come out of the original talks about what happened 2 years ago at a fan convention that has now escalated into a more universal discussion on what women face every day is that we are finally talking about the shit that has been done to us WITHOUT GUILT OR SHAME. Because we have nothing to feel guilty about. Please reread that. If you had something DONE to you, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Would you feel guilty if a bird pooped on you? You'd feel gross, but guilty? Of course not, that's absurd. So why should you feel guilty that someone has done something to you? I'm here to tell you YOU SHOULDN'T. That those lessons you were taught that made you feel that way were WRONG.

And that was the whole point of my original post, that people who make another person feel "uncomfortable" [more on that word in a minute] or afraid or scared have done something wrong. THEY have. Not you. We all haven't been taught to stand tall. To roll our heads on our shoulders and toss out a sassy "Oh no you di'int!" Why the hell do you think Queen Latifah had to write a song called UNITY? Because "you gotta let 'em know you ain't a bitch or a ho." If you don't know that song, guuuuurl, you need to LISTEN. (Video could be triggering. Lyrics, then? "You put your hands on me I'll put your ass in handcuff, who you callin' a bitch?" I fucking love her.)

I've been public about things in my life. I married an abuser. I left that abuser, the current (and only) Mr. is quite a lovely man. When I left my first husband, my father told me to not tell anyone that I'd been hit, because then.... Well. People wouldn't think well of me. (Please forgive the man, he LITERALLY grew up in a barn. He knows better now.) We all have stories like that. I've been raped and kidnapped. Please tell me how I can take responsibility for my personal choices in not having swords for hands to cut rope. True, I could have been more diligent in seeking out a nuclear power plant in hopes of gaining radioactive spidey powers, but... Gosh, I've learned my lesson. I now drink straight Malathion shakes, wish me luck!

We as women use the word "uncomfortable" to mean A LOT of things, don't we? It can mean that friggin' tag on our bra strap all the way to some jackass rubbing your butt on the subway and there's nowhere to go. That's pretty goddamn uncomfortable. We have been raised to use nice words, to be polite, to not complain, and yes, even those of us that are motorcycle hard asses with "Mama Didn't Love Me" tattoos on our arms. We all have that ingrained in us from media, society, etc. But we're learning. We aren't "bitchy" if we ask for better service or to be treated fairly. We're just asking to be treated fairly. But not all of us have come to that point in our lives where we CAN ask for those things. To not be touched. To not be talked to in some way. To not let someone JUDGE US because we didn't have the strength (or sword hands) to fight back.

If you try to derail the REAL TOPIC AT HAND by trying to rephrase the discussion to terms that suit your agenda, you are doing something horribly wrong and you need to quit, think, and maybe apologize.

My name is Laura. I've been molested by more than one person, I've been raped, and I've been beaten. And I didn't do shit to deserve any of it. And I will fucking cut you with my (hopefully regenerating) sword hands if you ever try and paint me as a victim, or as someone that should feel shame for not taking "personal responsibility" to get out of those situations when I didn't know HOW. Rhonda, Jerry, Carlos and Zach deserve that shame, not me. Not EVER me. And not ever you, please believe it. Anyone that sides with abusers (or hey, that doesn't side with someone that's been hurt) is a Class A jerkwad, imo.

I am so proud of us. WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER, GUYS. I'm totally bawling now, but it's because this is so raw (I know it is for so many of you, but let's pull that diseased thorn OUT.) GOONIES NEVER DIE. :)

[ETA] And see? Good things can come out of reasonable discourse. [NO REALLY!! SHE GETS IT! Kinda! Uh, sorta! YAAAAAAY!!!!] D'Oh! just saw her comment at apocalypsos's lj. I'm done trying. 100%.

Comments

( 205 comments — Leave a comment )
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wolfshark
May. 11th, 2010 01:51 pm (UTC)
*hugs you tighter than tight*

Yes, yes, yes!
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 01:54 pm (UTC)
WORD TO YOUR MOTHER. :)
kita0610
May. 11th, 2010 01:55 pm (UTC)
I love you so much, Laura.

I've been crying on and off since last night about all this bullshit, but only some of it has been sad/angry tears, because the rest are just- godamn, I am proud of you and all of us and how strong we are together.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 01:57 pm (UTC)
KITABABE, I feel the same for you. And I KNOW that not everyone is in a position to speak out, so I would feel incredibly guilty if I didn't.

Seriously, I am so fucking proud of what is becoming the outcome here: voices are FINALLY being heard, people are FINALLY pulling out those rotten, festering thorns, and squaring their shoulders.

I love you, babe, and I think you're pretty bad ass.
neko_hime_lj
May. 11th, 2010 01:57 pm (UTC)
(((((hugs)))))

Thank you for this, seriously. Thank you for articulating what many of us go through but are unable to talk about ourselves. Thank you.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 01:59 pm (UTC)
Everyone that signs their name to this (in a manner of speaking, be it here, or elsewhere) is saying it, too, imo. That's the best outcome to all of this, I think.

*hugs back*
sihaya09
May. 11th, 2010 02:06 pm (UTC)
I gotta say: the number of people who do get it versus the few in this conversation that don't get it does somewhat restore my faith. We are awesome together.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:10 pm (UTC)
We really, really are. I mean, that's just physics. :D

(You might be interested in my eta, btw.)
... - sihaya09 - May. 11th, 2010 02:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
sheafrotherdon
May. 11th, 2010 02:18 pm (UTC)
Man, I want some regenerating sword hands. like, yesterday.

I'm a four-time sexual assault survivor, and yes, yes, yes and yes. I have had a lot of therapy; I am older and wiser than I once was; I have a wonderful network of powerful friends who support me - and yet I *still* tense for victim-blaming when I tell someone new about my life. I'm at a point in my recovery where I don't let that stop me, but there's still a cost - a physical, emotional, mental, stomach-pounding, body-memory-paining cost - which is just one of the many reasons why I am so freaking happy and grateful and proud to meet any woman where she's at, to ringingly endorse her protective silence or her shouting from the rooftops or anything in between.

Of to post something very similar to your penultimate paragraph in my own journal, because someone, somewhere, needs to hear that today.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:22 pm (UTC)
How bad ass would that be, right?

"because someone, somewhere, needs to hear that today." AMEN, SISTER.
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oatmellow
May. 11th, 2010 02:22 pm (UTC)
you are a rockstar. Period. The End.

Fuck the assholes who are too stupid to see otherwise. Nobody needs them anyway.

Plus I'm really hoping you do figure out how to get regenerating sword hands and will teach me how to do it!
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:24 pm (UTC)
Can you imagine that and/or mind bullets? AWESOME.

And really, it's not about me, it's about the shaming of others. I can't stand by for that shit, you know? <3
... - oatmellow - May. 11th, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
gabzilla
May. 11th, 2010 02:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you
Thank you for speaking up - for yourself, for the rest of us who have been dealt abuse for no reason at all. I didn't know about the start of this whole mess, and I'm glad I stayed out of it, because I'd probably come unglued. (Crazy that last night I had a dream about Queen Latifah.. I remember thinking "oh no, those idiots DID NOT just mess with Latifah." No they di-in'!)
Guilt is a huge issue in my life, as is not passing the abuse along to others. I know that I need to be mindful of pretty much everything I do, and say, and type into the internets. Hopefully other people will try to realize the kind of effect they might have on others.

But just to say it again, thank you for speaking out. I know so many women and men who just can't verbalize or acknowledge what has happened to them, and that silence is so damaging.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you
Queen Latifah is no having it, yo. I love that you dreamed about her, lol.

And really, everyone that is sharing their stories, speaking maybe for the first time, or just supporting other people are pretty bad ass in my book. <3
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secondalto
May. 11th, 2010 02:24 pm (UTC)
You are my hero.

stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC)
My butt is REALLY not ready for spandex, though, give me a few weeks of lunges. ;)
flaming_muse
May. 11th, 2010 02:37 pm (UTC)
I can't even tell you how disappointed I am to find out that your hands are not or cannot turn into swords. I do not have words.

I am so proud of us. WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER, GUYS.

I'm all choked up because it's so true.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:43 pm (UTC)
I AM FILLED WITH WOE, TOO. I only have managed to morph a dirk on my right hand, and that's not going to fill the hearts of man with dread.

IT REALLY IS. <3 <3 <3
darlas_mom
May. 11th, 2010 02:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this. ♥ I only just got caught up with all of this TODAY, and I got my morning off to a frothy, spittle-flinging angry start. You just made my day a lot better, with the reminder that there are still people who care and that there are people who will loudly and openly make their spaces safe for victims/survivors/whatever word helps the woman using it the most. That as a community, we are powerful, we are together, and we still look after our own. Screaming it up to the heavens and to the earth.

I'm really crying right now. ♥ x 1,000,000.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:54 pm (UTC)
There are LOADS of people commenting, posting, etc. their stories, and finding their own strength. It's fucking beautiful. :)
stephanierb
May. 11th, 2010 02:39 pm (UTC)

I came to this discussion late and have been reading to catch up. This post and others of yours on this topic have been wonderful to read. I'm extremely fortunate to have never been a victim of sexual assault, but the idea that we shouldn't protect the weakest of us both saddened and angered me. We all want to live in a world where men respect boundaries and women stand up to them when they don't, but we aren't there yet. It's heartening to know that should I or any one of my loved ones find themselves in such a horrific situation, that there are many out there that would step forward and offer support.

Every now and again my faith in humanity gets restored. This is one of those times.

Thank you.

stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:55 pm (UTC)
I'm so happy to know you've never had to deal with that stuff. But isn't it WONDERFUL to hear so many people in this community of women stand up and say they've got your back? I love it.
rocketlaunching
May. 11th, 2010 02:44 pm (UTC)
If I lived in Texas, I would totally buy you a Margarita for this.

Thank you, Stoney. ♥
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:56 pm (UTC)
AND I WOULD LET YOU. Also, LOL at your icon, and it's funny because it's true. HEE.

Thank YOU.
beyondrubicon
May. 11th, 2010 02:52 pm (UTC)
*HUGS* Like big, huge, super tight ones.

I've been drowning in personal stuff the past week and haven't had the time or energy to give this situation the attention I've wanted but I've read the UFB write-up, your posts and the ones written in response to the comments in your posts.

I'm sad that there are people out there like the ones who caused all the issues at WinCon, I'm horrified that there are people out there who support them or think for a second that we live in a world where the opportunity or power to speak up is always an option. But I'm so glad that there are people like you and everyone else who has given a rational, intelligent and strong voice to why this is so wrong and what it's like to be a woman in these circumstances.

I could share my own stories but I won't right now. I know what it's like to have my option to say stop taken from me and I never want a single person to have to go through that. But it's real and it's not something we can change by saying it doesn't exist.

Once again, thank you.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:57 pm (UTC)
(icon meant in the best way) :D
I'm trying to focus on all of those awesome people, too, because we have to remember there are more of them than the other. (Um, my math may be wrong, but work with me, lol.)

Thank you for adding your voice, sweets.
... - beyondrubicon - May. 11th, 2010 02:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
brunettepet
May. 11th, 2010 02:53 pm (UTC)
How did this become a hot button topic? I don't understand how anyone could miss the point of this discussion. If you've made someone feel frightened or powerless or threatened, you have crossed a line and are in the wrong. Period.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 02:58 pm (UTC)
"I don't understand how anyone could miss the point of this discussion" EXACTLY. I am positively gobsmacked about that, right there.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:00 pm (UTC)
The guy being questioned in front of you.... That is a HUGE part of what sparked this whole debate. It's just bassackwards, as you well know.

And HOLY SHEEP SHIT to the "overweight" girl commentary with a big ol' FuuuuuUUUuuuuUUUuck YOoooooooooou!

And you know I love you, and that I think you are kick ass, loving, sweet, and please, no one comes close to having hair like you. I know what's important. ;)
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chantal87
May. 11th, 2010 03:04 pm (UTC)
I have been keeping up and reading all this drama. I haven't commented until now.
I have spent years straightening all my own shit out. I don't consider myself a victim. I'm a survivor.

and I just love you to pieces.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:22 pm (UTC)
Hell yeah you are a survivor. And in the words of LeShawn and LL Cool J, you're doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well.

I LOVE YOU.
liz_marcs
May. 11th, 2010 03:16 pm (UTC)
I haven't commented on this situation (at all) except in comments to some posts on the matter. Mostly because I've been following the links trying to figure out what was going on, and then spending time picking my jaw up off the floor because...

Really? REALLY?

That's some serious-ass victim blaming going on there. People suck.

Also, why I haven't said anything yet is because, well, my head just can't wrap around it. I can't, especially with my current emotional state of laid-offness.

And weirdly enough it's dragging up an incident from the murky past that I had honestly forgotten about. I wasn't hurt, but it was definitely a threatening situation where I kind of froze. I'm not normally triggered, but this was a situation that was somewhat similar to the one described. Thank God people believed me after the fact and took appropriate action like the ConCom in my case.

Sorry for whittering in your LJ.

I just want to say, rock on you Crazy Diamond. Because THIS. And all you're related posts on the subject. Just THIS.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:24 pm (UTC)
I'm right there with you on the jaw-picking up. I've not... well, understood is almost too light a word, you know?

I know that a LOT of folks are feeling that murky past bobble around, trying to pop all the way up, so you're not alone. ANd THAT is why I think it's so important to remind everyone that if it comes up, if you face it, if you have to look at those memories, filter it with the lens of YOU ARE NOT GUILTY.

Whitter on all you want, the more we talk about it, the less power it has over us, imo.
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roonilwazlib6
May. 11th, 2010 03:21 pm (UTC)
I totally wish you could have come and spoken at my (all-women's) college when I was there. Because there are a lot of people I know that need to hear this, and a lot of people I know that already think it but would love to hear it said regardless. <3
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:25 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3

I hope more people learn this about themselves, you know? I had to work haaaaaaard to learn it myself, it would have been much easier if someone just told me. :)
... - neko_hime_lj - May. 11th, 2010 05:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
fig_aruna
May. 11th, 2010 03:32 pm (UTC)
You don't know me from Eve, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for speaking for me. :)
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:56 pm (UTC)
You are absolutely welcome.
ruthless1
May. 11th, 2010 03:43 pm (UTC)
I am sqoooooooooooooooshing you HARD right now! You are the voice that I still don't have (at least today) I have to stop going to disharmonyb's LJ. It's too much and it's starting to make me sick to my stomach. She and my now dead but veeeeeeeeeeeeeery creepy mother would have seen eye to eye in their world view.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
It's pretty bad when you see something happening NOW that is such a reminder of painful things from the past. I made one last attempt to get her to drop her fists and shoulders (lol, like I said in the original post) and just be reasonable.

We'll see. And tell Bryn that everytime I see "Tell me that I don't know anything, I dare you" I get fucking chills and a lump in my throat.
maybe1ce
May. 11th, 2010 03:46 pm (UTC)
}slow clap{


To quote another awesome song from The Queen:

"Hey! My name ain't 'YO,' and I ain't got your baby!"
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 03:59 pm (UTC)
Hells to the yeah. And now I'm wanting some Monie Love, "My sistuh, sistuh!"
kseenaa
May. 11th, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
Fuck yes.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
Seriously.
bitchygrrl
May. 11th, 2010 03:54 pm (UTC)
I want to get on a plane come to Texas and buy you the biggest damned margarita in the world. (Yes, I express my love through margaritas, what of it?)

You are quite possibly one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Thank you for sharing your story and strength.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
I WELCOME LOVE IN THE FORM OF BOOZE, COME ON. It's like you don't even KNOW me.

I will gladly share my strength if it helps anyone, good lord, it's NOT HARD TO DO.
lostakasha
May. 11th, 2010 04:10 pm (UTC)
This, this, a million times this.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC)
BACK AT YOU, WONDERWOMAN.
minim_calibre
May. 11th, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)
You = awesome. Just to restate the obvious.
stoney321
May. 11th, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
It's not obvious to me, so I WILL TAKE THAT RESTATEMENT. I'll take it right to my bewbs. :D
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( 205 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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