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So.... I seemed to pick up a bunch of new folks this week, hello! I know that a lot of folks don't click on people's journals and read Sticky Posts, so I'll just put some stuff out here with the understanding that if you clicked in haste and are looking for an easy out, I will not be hurt if you've added in vain. Or in vein. Or in vane. Stuffs:

I am married with three kids, one of whom has Aspergers, one with feet bigger than mine, and one that can tell you anything and everything you want to know about ocean creatures. I am madly in love with them, except for the times when I am looking to donate them for scientific experiments. I will tell you what many will not: motherhood is 80% shit and 20% bliss, and the job never stops and is dirty and hard. And you are told on Mother's Day that you're obsolete. Lol.

I will without warning throw out quotes from 80s comedies and not really expect anyone to get them. But a few will start laughing when I mention Bandy Bowlegs Button Butt, and that's what keeps me going, you guys. That and my Judge Smalls impression. And the knowledge that Ghostbusters is maybe the most perfectly written comedy of all time. EVEN TINA FEY AGREES WITH ME. (Which is why there are Ghostbusters jokes in every single ep of 30 Rock's first 2 seasons. No, really.)

I don't have sword hands. But I do have sword feet, and I would appreciate the distinction, and no, that's not a lisp-impediment when I talk about my sheaths. I'll give you a second. I use Twitter, but not a lot, mostly to get off a joke. I do things without irony - I don't have time for ironic love. I am the leading Mormon Vampire Authority on LJ, a badge I wear with irony pride. (Yep, that's me, and if you are just putting two and two together and you're all about the Sparkle, I'll understand if you leave a dust trail. Here are my LDS/polygamy tags, respectively.)

Without question, if you believe that Lolita is a "dark comedy," I believe that you should be strung up and beaten with a Lindsay Lohan. (I just think she could use the work.)

Um, let's see.... I usually won't post more than once a day, I believe in the LJ cut if it's more than a screen full, and I AM NOT INTO SPOILERS. I love my friends fiercely, like I love my hair, margaritas, nachos, my garden, and whatever else I'm spazzy about. I'm Texan before I'm anything, so take your Texan stereotypes and skedaddle. And while you're doing that, check out a Molly Ivins book. She's my hero, she and the late Ann Richards.

I have MASSIVE quantities of garden work to catch up on, including moving 2 literal yards of earth into some holes, building another retaining wall, smelling roses, washing my Perpy Derg and giving her a shave, and eating copious amounts of food. HAVE A LOVELY DAY. Do it. I'm totally the boss of you now. (Feel free to check my tags for anything else you might wanna know.)

One last thing! My inbox is BURGEONING with comments from the brouhaha, and I will get to replying to everyone, but I might need a breather before I do. Hopefully you'll understand; I certainly don't want anyone to feel slighted. I'm just... man, big response, that's all.

Comments

( 55 comments — Leave a comment )
kita0610
May. 12th, 2010 03:08 pm (UTC)
Stop lying about the place your sword really lives, L.

I mean, FFS we're all friends here.
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
STOP JUDGING ME OMG. If I'm not ready for people to know where I "sheath" my "sword," then I need you to respect that.

Just because I tuck-

GOD DAMMIT, KITA I DIDN'T WANT THAT PUBLIC. (LOL.)
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brunettepet
May. 12th, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
How did you get those sword feet into pumps filled with marshmallows? Inquiring minds want to know.

Oh, Molly Ivins, how I miss her.
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC)
They were some huge-ass marshmallows.

God, no joke, huh? I would have loved to hear her take on the past few years of wtfery.
entrenous88
May. 12th, 2010 04:04 pm (UTC)
This seems accurate and helpful to inquiring minds! And I need some nachos right now, is all I'm sayin'.

Also, *goes to look at derg peektures*, SALLY, SALLY, HI, GIRL, HIIIIII!
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:34 pm (UTC)
I failed to add my love of shopping for fun soda pops and popcorn and my unironic love for Bring It On, BUT YOU KNOW MY HEART!

Sally is napping soundly because I took her on a 5 mile drag, lol. I will pass on the lovings when she stops snoreing-sleep-woofing. :D
luvxander
May. 12th, 2010 04:09 pm (UTC)
I just think she could use the work

I thought Lindsay had all the work she could handle being the stripper pole in Vegas.

Purdy Puppeh!!
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:34 pm (UTC)
ba dum bum CHING!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:35 pm (UTC)
Oooh, good reminder for me, too. MMM, NACHOS.
kseenaa
May. 12th, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC)
And hence why you rock. Damn, your good with words! X-D
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:35 pm (UTC)
*dork faces*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:36 pm (UTC)
YEAH AND YOU WENT AHEAD ANYWAY. Good thing that 20% is so awesome.

CHROME. I mean, such a simple switch, I'm still happy.
maryaminx
May. 12th, 2010 04:32 pm (UTC)
I friended you a while back after reading your Mormon Vampire posts, but never introduced myself. So, hi?
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:36 pm (UTC)
Why, hello!
joeb_abbitt
May. 12th, 2010 04:50 pm (UTC)
I now feel compelled to re-watch every single episode of 30 Rock to prove this. Where did you hear this?
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
GO FOR IT. Tina Fey mentioned that in an interview way back when. (for a period of five eps they used "Shut this down. Shut this all down" which never fails to crack me up.)
threeringedmoon
May. 12th, 2010 05:09 pm (UTC)
I friended you after reading your awesome posts with respect to victim blaming.
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
Hello!
ladycyndra
May. 12th, 2010 05:14 pm (UTC)
You are my kind of person! I think we will get along just fine! SWORD HANDS!! As you know, I'm also a Texan so BONUS! I use a lot of exclamation points!!!!! AAHHH!!!! ^_^
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
TEXAS DESERVES EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!AMILLIONIOTY!!!
prophecygirrl
May. 12th, 2010 05:30 pm (UTC)
I did read the sticky, and friended you forthwith. (I do hope it was OK with you - it seemed like you had an open door policy).

I've been meaning to for a while, anyway, because we've been skittering on the edges of each other's flist for ages, and you've always struck me as pretty cool. With the latest kerfluffle, you became That Awesome Chick, and it was a done deal.

Now that I know you have sword hands, I know I was all kinds of right to do so.
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, I absolutely do, you are so lovely for reading! (I don't really have rules, I just... um, I swear a lot and stuff like that and don't want to get people freaked out, that's all. *g*)

We sure have been, re: flist dancing, and why thank you!

Sword hands, feet, one day I will + them to Vorpol. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 05:40 pm (UTC)
LOLOLOLOL ALWAYS.

(Psst: it's from a random scene in Sixteen Candles at the party, some extra with a button-down-the-back miniskirt walks across camera and squats down, and she's all bandy-bowlegged and I always LOL when I see that scene.)
... - veracity - May. 12th, 2010 08:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
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sdwolfpup
May. 12th, 2010 05:55 pm (UTC)
Ghostbusters is maybe the most perfectly written comedy of all time

CONCUR.

Also the most quotable. I don't trust anyone who doesn't know the answer to "Are you a GOD?!"
rikibeth
May. 12th, 2010 07:33 pm (UTC)
When someone asks you if you're a god, YOU SAY YES!

We do a lot of riffs on "there is no Dana, only Zuul" around here, and even such a throwaway line as "Yes. Have some." gets play.
... - stoney321 - May. 12th, 2010 07:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
ruthless1
May. 12th, 2010 06:35 pm (UTC)
You are a dorkus texamus! To the maximus! Sword feet? Gozor? How can you go wrong?
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 08:00 pm (UTC)
I CANNOT! Except for all of the times I do. BUT WE AREN'T FOCUSING ON THOSE TIMES, WHEEEEEE!
dovil
May. 12th, 2010 08:37 pm (UTC)
I love 30 Rock THIS much, which considering the currency that capital letters can get you, is a lot.

Without question, if you believe that Lolita is a "dark comedy," I believe that you should be strung up and beaten with a Lindsay Lohan. (I just think she could use the work.)

Hey Zeus, there are people out there that think that?!? I am creeped out, in small font, so I can hide from it all.

You also forgot to add to your Post of Me your long and deviant history of baby animal fondling. Why did you leave that off Stoney, huh, huh?! Trying to be all respectable now?
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, I just wanted to lambast them all with my incest musicals and baby lizard prostitution rings once they're all relaxed, because I love the YOINK! of the rug being pulled out, haha, look at them wobble!

Or maybe that's me. How many bottles is enough?
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veracity
May. 12th, 2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
You do realize that I love you (for varying degrees of love, since, stranger!) for all this, right? It makes me feel like I walked into a vat of green applesauce.

(Also, you has a puppy. Therefore.)

And you are told on Mother's Day that you're obsolete. Lol.

Hey! Rosie needs a job, you know. If you're all involved, what's she gonna be forced to do? Clean the house?




And I leave you with this quote: "Did you hate your strained peas?" Bonus points if you know where it comes from.
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 09:06 pm (UTC)
I JUST WATCHED THAT MOVIE LAST WEEKEND.

"I'm just so confused..." Of course you're confused, you're wearing my underwear!"
... - veracity - May. 13th, 2010 12:24 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 12th, 2010 09:06 pm (UTC)
I think most of us could write that way, truthfully, LOL.

Sparklepeen - disco fireball spooge!
kriscat
May. 13th, 2010 01:05 am (UTC)
Hi, ::waves sheepishly:: I found a link to your journal during the recent brouha, realized you wrote those amusing (and informative) twilight recaps, and have just spent a couple of hours (yes, living in sweden I should be sleeping now) reading your posts. You've made me laugh, you've made me think, and the post about your son receiving coins from all over the world made me teary. So, I'm friending you. :)

Let me know if your son needs any coins from sweden, because contributing to his collection would be awesome.
stoney321
May. 13th, 2010 01:08 am (UTC)
I don't know what's in the water in Sweden, but it makes everyone there incredibly generous! I think we ended up with the most coins being from Sweden, actually! Lovely people you all are. :D

Welcome aboard!
... - kriscat - May. 13th, 2010 01:59 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
txvoodoo
May. 13th, 2010 02:03 am (UTC)
I think you're sorta in my age range. And we both live in Texas. Clearly, we were meant to meet.

I'll take serendipity WHEREVER I find it!
stoney321
May. 13th, 2010 12:54 pm (UTC)
I'll be 38 this summer, but I'll mentally be 13 for ever. LOL.

(And I was born and raised a few jogs from the highway by you, btw. And currently live a few jogs up. *g*)

And ditto - hidden serendipity would be a great band name.
... - txvoodoo - May. 13th, 2010 07:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
octavia_b
May. 13th, 2010 03:03 am (UTC)
I friended you a couple of days ago in the midst of all the horrible SPN fail because I followed links to your post and decided you were awesome. I just followed another of your links and read your post about the coin project for your son and now I'm sitting here all sniffly because that was so amazing. (I also have a son with Aspergers.) Hi!
tvrn
May. 13th, 2010 06:20 am (UTC)
I love, love, love Molly Ivins! I miss her columns so much. I have a few of her books. Became a fan of hers after seeing Bob Costas interview her.
xochitl42
May. 13th, 2010 06:54 am (UTC)
runrunrunleaptackle HUGS!
(Anonymous)
Jun. 11th, 2010 06:47 am (UTC)
80:20?
Are you sure motherhood is an 80:20 shit:bliss ratio? Then, again, my 10-month-old is cutting a new tooth, so it feels like 90:10 is generous (my friends who had kids in their 20's are now laughing their collective a$$es off).

Love the post
( 55 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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