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BANNER DAY

Because it is not 1,000,000 degrees outside I get to go out and jog in it! No more jumping jacks in my house, yay. More tornadoes last night to the point of my kids breaking down in hysterics. We were truly in no danger, but try telling hormonal teens that. Oy.

And I don't normally do this sort of thing because I usually get so frustrated by other people's ability to not be hamstrung by writer's block, but I knocked out 11,500 in word count yesterday (on articles for an upcoming project and in revisions for my book.) While my knees hated me sitting so long, the rest of me was quite pleased. I did have to do some research from a HATEFUL book, and I cut and pasted for your pleasure a paragraph from said book that outlines how you can sin.

This is LITERALLY one paragraph from Chapter 3 of "The Miracle of Forgiveness," by Spencer W. Kimball, available at the church-owned bookstore, Deseret Books. I just took out the commas and made bullet points (and commentary in italics, because good lord, this guy needed to take up wood-working. I don't think sin-collecting is an approved AARP pastime)


  • Murder

  • adultery

  • theft

  • cursing

  • unholiness in masters [picking the wrong master is somehow your fault? Good job, slaves!]

  • disobedience in servants [see?]

  • unfaithfulness

  • improvidence [those of us with food storage thumb our noses at you sinners]

  • hatred of God

  • disobedience to husbands [and would it hurt you to freshen up your lipstick when he gets home? He worked so hard all day, he doesn't need to listen to you yammer about lady problems. That's what a douche of Lysol is for.]

  • lack of natural affection [you better perform when he says to, missy]

  • high-mindedness [ooOOooooh, someone created the cure for cancer, are you saying you're better than me?]

  • flattery [that dress does nothing for you. There, now I'm clean.]

  • lustfulness

  • infidelity

  • indiscretion [death to all Jabber Jaws!]

  • backbiting [Vampires are out, clearly. And moderately kinky types.]

  • whispering [ does this mean I should be shouting in church and funerals?]

  • lack of truth [what the hell does this even mean? I hope you haven't been living under a rock, because evidently that's a sin?]

  • striking [I AM SINNING RIGHT NOW]

  • brawling

  • quarrelsomeness [well, we all knew lawyers were evil, this just proves it. ]

  • unthankfulness [THANK YOU MR MAILMAN. THANK YOU CARPETING. THANK YOU AIR CONDITIONING. THANK YOU LUNGS. THANK...]

  • inhospitality [Martha Stewart is good, then.]

  • deceitfulness

  • irreverence [I'm screwed.]

  • boasting [I mean, I'm awesome, but I'm screwed.]

  • arrogance [Look. I am just saying that my awesomeness supersedes all other. Which is why I'm screwed, so don't bother challenging me on this one with your puny thoughts.]

  • pride

  • double-tongued talk [KIM G. IS SCREWED.]

  • profanity [well...fuck.]

  • slander [I'll remember this when I'm published and the LDS members come after me]

  • corruptness

  • thievery

  • embezzlement

  • despoiling

  • covenant-breaking

  • incontinence [way to go, Nana.]

  • filthiness [way to go, Pig Pen]

  • ignobleness [way to go, peasants and slumdogs]

  • filthy communications [way to go, 1-900 callers. Or sewer workers calling in to report problems.]

  • impurity

  • foolishness [way to go, dumb ass]

  • slothfulness

  • impatience [WHEN IS THIS LIST GOING TO END, WRAP IT UP]

  • lack of understanding [way to go, dumb ass- wait, we already covered this. Stupid people are just screwed.]

  • unmercifulness [this list should qualify as a sin, I'm just saying]

  • idolatry

  • blasphemy

  • denial of the Holy Ghost [but what if He's wearing a disguise? I'm not letting just anyone in my house, I have a big screen TV and a vagina, you know?]

  • Sabbath breaking

  • envy

  • jealousy

  • malice

  • maligning [again, I'll remember this one after being published.]

  • vengefulness

  • implacability [My mother in law is screwed]

  • bitterness [ditto]

  • clamor [way to go, protesters, concert goers, every teen girl, stock brokers, soldiers in battle, people exiting helicopters]

  • spite

  • defiling

  • reviling

  • evil speaking [I guess we shouldn't even talk about Satan, then, huh? Or the show Two and a Half Men?]

  • provoking

  • greediness for filthy lucre [greediness for clean lucre is completely acceptable, however. How else will the church get its tithes?]

  • disobedience to parents [even if they tell you to murder while yelling about filthy lucre and evil and pissing yourself, you obey.]

  • anger

  • hate

  • covetousness

  • bearing false witness

  • inventing evil things [I hope you're proud of yourself, Larry the Cable Guy and creator of Krispy Kreme.]

  • fleshliness [way to go, Curves McGee. But then, we all knew a body like Christina Hendricks is sinful. Wait, that's divine! Not Divine, that's a whole 'nother topic.]

  • heresy

  • presumptuousness [don't you DARE anticipate my answers. Also, way to go, Sir Henry Morton Stanley.]

  • abomination [the abominable snowman is a-ok, though. They pulled his teeth, after all.]

  • insatiable appetite [I personally blame Godiva for their deliciousness. Also, I blame the Kreb's Cycle. (Hey-o, bio nerd joke!)]

  • instability [way to go, Bosu balls and earthquakes.]

  • ignorance [how clear does he need to be? Stupid is a sin.]

  • self-will [HOW DARE YOU self motivate!? You will do as you're told and ONLY as you're told!]

  • speaking evil of dignitaries [I hope no Mormon speaks ill of Barak Obama. Or Hugo Chavez. Or Putin. Or Barbara Boxer. Or the UN. Or the Pope. Or...]

  • becoming a stumbling block [That joke where someone kneels behind you and someone else pushes you? GRAVE SIN, HERE'S THE PROOF.]

  • and in our modern language: masturbation [well, huh, took them long enough to get to this one]

  • petting [way to go dog and cat owners! Wait, this means dry humping and boob grabbing, I bet.]

  • fornication

  • adultery [didn't we already cover this one?]

  • homosexuality

  • every sex perversion [you ear humping furries disgust me, you really do.]

  • every hidden and secret sin

  • all unholy and impure practices [I hope you use a Brita filter, sinner. A Brita filter for YOUR LIFE.]




If I may, I'd like to build on this incomplete and shoddy list. (Jeez, put a little effort in there, would ya, Bub?)
  • mouth breathing

  • shoe shuffling

  • double dipping the chip

  • not washing your hands after going #2

  • "crop dusting" in confined spaces (this refers to a bodily function, ahem)

  • not recycling aluminum cans, I mean, it's 100% recyclable! There is no excuse.

  • talking and texting on your phone while driving

  • telemarketing

  • general dickish behavior


There, I feel better. WHAT AN UPLIFTING PARAGRAPH THAT MAN WROTE. My heart feels lighter already.



I have to go buy some "sensible work shoes" for a shoot tomorrow morning as I realized that I don't own any. I have my Birks and I have as errant_jane calls them, Barbie Shoes. I guess caregivers in Nursing Homes don't wear Jessica Simpson platform peekaboo red leather heels, huh? WELL THEY SHOULD.

Top Chef last night made me want to eat all the Singapore food there is in the world. All of it. Jersey Shore tonight, yo! WITH CAT FIGHT, mreow!

Comments

( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
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ryokomusouka
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:25 pm (UTC)
I'm so screwed then. Just as well wrap me up in Saran wrap and put me in a box for all the "good" living does me.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:27 pm (UTC)
Clearly this is why I became an atheist, so I could cuss dirty conversations about evil things while peeing on myself and being loud and poor and curvy. I WAS BORN TO SIN.
... - fishwithfeet - Sep. 10th, 2010 01:03 am (UTC) - Expand
flaming_muse
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:31 pm (UTC)
You make me laugh. Kim G. Hahahaha.

(No wonder Mormons spend all their time getting baptized for others and micro-managing their flocks; they can't do anything else!)

I realized yesterday that my pool will be closed for the season before yours even opens. :( You people and your warm weather!
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:36 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEE. ANd yeah, busy work a-go-go, because to be idle means free think time, and they can't have that! A person might realize how ridiculously controlling it all is.

It's getting hot today after being cool (for us, upper 70s) for a week. Still no progress, though, BOO. (And we'll totally heat it to swim ONCE this season. i don't care if we get hypothermia, I'm not waiting until next mid-spring to check it out!)

...feel like getting an MS (partial) some time this week for a little edit/critiquing? No worries if you're swamped, truly.
... - flaming_muse - Sep. 9th, 2010 09:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Sep. 9th, 2010 09:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
dancetomato
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:34 pm (UTC)
I committed a sin that is NOT on the list: tl;dr. Oh, wait, that's general dickish behavior. ;-)

*whispers sinfully* That was disturbing in an awesome way.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA. If I ever make a religion I'm going to have ONE rule: don't be a dick, be a dude.

That should be all that's required, right? *whispers* I assume you think I'm right Tits McGee.
oatmellow
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:39 pm (UTC)
striking [I AM SINNING RIGHT NOW]

LOVE.

Of all your witty wonderment, THIS RIGHT HERE speaks to my brainz. <3 There just aren't enough hearts in the world.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:42 pm (UTC)
IT IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS. And I should know, because, and I'm just boasting because it's true, I'm awesome. And curvy. And ignoble. And churlish. Wait, churlish wasn't on the list, FREE PASS TO BE CHURLISH, EVERYONE! :D

<3 <3 <3
tabaqui
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
# greediness for filthy lucre [greediness for clean lucre is completely acceptable, however. How else will the church get its tithes?]

*dies laughing*

Sheesh. Why is it that organized religions always have these huge, long lists of sins and faults and 'evils', but never any lists of things to take joy in?

All they wanna do is harsh my bliss.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 03:55 pm (UTC)
UM YOU CAN TAKE JOY IN YOUR FAMILY AND IN DOING THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING ON THE SIN LIST, SHEESH. That's like, loads of joy.

I think.
... - tabaqui - Sep. 9th, 2010 04:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
Trivia time! - nijireiki - Sep. 10th, 2010 08:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Trivia time! - tabaqui - Sep. 10th, 2010 08:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 04:19 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
strtmyorange
Sep. 9th, 2010 04:59 pm (UTC)
denial of the Holy Ghost [but what if He's wearing a disguise? I'm not letting just anyone in my house, I have a big screen TV and a vagina, you know?]

OMG! LMAO at the whole list! Thank you. And ^^ made me think of this Izzard bit:

(Imitating Mason ) "What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?"

"Don't take my name in vain, Dad!"

"Jeezy Creezy, what on Earth is that?"

"Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Look Dad, I went down there, I taught 'em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups!

You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians... the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we've had that checked out."

"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"

"Oh, he's useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days."

( spookily ) "Oh... Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost... Holy Ghost!"

"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!"

"I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!"


Oh and ...

speaking evil of dignitaries [I hope no Mormon speaks ill of Barak Obama. Or Hugo Chavez. Or Putin. Or Barbara Boxer. Or the UN. Or the Pope. Or...]

*Claps* I knew a certain Fox News Mormon blow-hard (with the initials GB) was going to Hell (especially since he's publicly sinned in so many of the above ways) but this just seals the deal, doesn't it.



stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:21 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, Glenn Beck is the WORST! And how sad is it that I'm happy to point out that he's not even BiC (Born in the Covenant) but is just a lousy, uninformed convert?
ladycyndra
Sep. 9th, 2010 05:02 pm (UTC)
Whats he on about? I got lost. :(
fabrisse
Sep. 9th, 2010 05:08 pm (UTC)
See this is why God kept the list to ten. You can work with ten, keep track of them even.

Mind you, even with ten, I'm probably still screwed, but at least I can define why. *G*
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:22 pm (UTC)
But see, Mormons have the RESTORED gospel, so surely God meant to tack on more rules.

OY.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:23 pm (UTC)
*misses and looks awkward, still think we're cool*

LOL.
brunettepet
Sep. 9th, 2010 06:22 pm (UTC)
I embrace so many of these sins, I might as well start working on the short list of what I haven't embraced yet! Oh, yeah, murder is really wrong and I love my husband. Damn, I've failed at being the best sinner I can be, too!

Singapore! I was so craving every last thing they had at the food stalls and then those banana fritters with red chile paste nearly had me deep frying something at 10:30 at night.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:24 pm (UTC)
You are going to have to work harder than that, missy.

I craved that lobster broth thingy Ed did in the quick fire so much that I went for some Pho today and got some ingredients to make shrimp Pho tonight. Mmm mmm.

(I want there to be a feature where we can taste the foods, too. How about it, Science?)
beyondrubicon
Sep. 9th, 2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
double-tongued talk [KIM G. IS SCREWED.]

HEEEEE! So true.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:24 pm (UTC)
LOL. She is a hot mess, that one.
menomegirl
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
Dude. O_o

Also: LOL!
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
Yeah. They looooove the busy work.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 08:58 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I guess. And I guess those flat-footed crepe-soled wenches just hate life. And foot pain. WHATEVER.
kita0610
Sep. 9th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
Well now I just wanna go despoil someone, damn it.
stoney321
Sep. 9th, 2010 11:32 pm (UTC)
Mmm, throw some back biting in there while you're at it.
... - kita0610 - Sep. 9th, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 43 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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