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You people aren't letting your kids look at this or anything, right? Because I love to swear, that's all. Like now: GODDAMN!! I have the coolest flist!! spikefan bought me two months of paid LJ time and UserPics!! So the crappy icon fest will continue! You guys just rock like an igneous thing.

I'm speeding up the process by putting a few days at a time up. Previous bits are in my memories under "my Fic" or the prior post if you can work that green triangle (and I know you can). Here's the next bit:


~~~
December the Seventeenth
It is madness. There is no other word for which to call it. First thing this morning came a ring at the door. Miss Maggie rolled up her sleeves and prepared to stare down whatever was brought to our home. As soon as the door was opened, the sound went rolling through the great hall like thunder. THESE birds had cards attached. If I wasn't so angry with the thought behind the gift (or rather, the abject loss of thought) I would think they were lovely - muted colors of the forest. But once they open their mouths, the squawking caused a ringing in my ears that is just now beginning to recede. And the damned partridge, doves and hens were all back as well! Father says ladies don't swear, but I feel as if I could cry or fly into a rage at the drop of a hat.

The delivery boy visibly cringed when the door was opened. "Gov'nor, whassat about not killing the messenger? You'd not have me off just for doin' me job, would ya now?"

I did steal a glance at Father placing a well deserved kick in the seat of his pants. He's marching down the street to speak to Mrs. Haugh. Finally. I'm having Cook mix me a sleeping draught.



December the Eighteenth
It appears that Father hasn't left the large bowl of Wassail in the great hall all night. I'm tempted to tipple a bit more ale and sherry into the mix. I'm not allowed to drink sherry as of yet. At least today brought no NEW birds. Oh, the filthy buggers (horrors! whatever has gotten into me?) from the days past are back, but today brought the new extravagence of bangels of gold! William, who couldn't be bothered with but one suit. Who walked everywhere instead of taking a cab like a sensible gentleman. Whoever heard of someone wanting to "connect with the night air?" Whatever can that mean? Senseless.

The rings are quite lovely, and of a stunning quality. How such a wretch was able to purchase things of such luxury is beyond even I. I asked Father about it (he didn't seem to notice that he was holding the cage containing the hens from France - I'm concerned.) and he got a wild look about him. He told Mother and I that we were simply to find a place to keep them.

He smells of drink and rubs his neck in a most confusing manner. Having pears in winter is a lovely idea, but what on earth shall we do with the fool birds? I can't in good conscience release them to the elements... Perhaps someone has a dovecote and will take them all in.



December the Nineteenth
Bloody Hell! I don't care. These are my thoughts, and if I wish to swear, well, then... The absolute bastard has sent more birds 'round the house today. Our holiday is completely ruined. Beatrice came to call and asked "if it was true." Oh, I could die! I am utterly ruined for society, and all because of that sodding, simpering, sad sack of a dolt who cannot seem to take "no" for an answer. It will be everywhere after this.

The doorbell rang, and Beatrice chose that exact moment to "see herself out." I believe the heathen natives of Africa refer to it as "guano." Six great birds, tied together and held by some naif who curtseyed at me, handed me the rope, then proceeded to walk off! Such a honking, and in my home! I called for Miss Maggie to take them away, and I believe I may be afraid to eat tonight, so great was her wrath. At least they are laying geese, so perhaps Cook will not be so cross with today's "gift?"

The cacophony of squawking, honking, chirping, and chittering in the back sun room will surely drive me mad. The butcher is due this later afternoon.
~TBC~

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
julia_here
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:08 am (UTC)
Snerking into my fist, and thinking that at least Miss Cecily is letting her inner human kick the heck out of her outer Victorian.

Or something.

Julia, raining out there. Who'd have guessed
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC)
Oh, just you wait. Miss Cecily DID turn into a vengeance demon, after all...

Thanks for coming out to play, BTW.
paynbow
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:41 am (UTC)
Hee! Heeheeheeheehee...I get suck a kick out of this! Cecily, getting what's due her...I like how she perked up at the gold rings and was thinking, "maybe he's not so bad?"...then the geese came *g*
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC)
You noticed that, eh? Geese can ruin anything, this I firmly believe.

And I am totally cracking up over that icon.
paynbow
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
Geese suck.
I am a firm geese hater. I visted my sister's boyfriend's brother ("what does that make us?" "Absolutely NOTHING!" heh) on his farm once and the geese chased me around until I kicked them in the head.

Glad you like the icon *g* Stewie rules "You know you want it because you're a dirty girl *bites air*" *snicker*
sdwolfpup
Dec. 10th, 2004 11:42 am (UTC)
"Such a honking" ! Heeehehehe heheheheheheheh heheheh ehee hee. Whew. I love this little story.
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:23 pm (UTC)
You do?? Aw, 10Q. We aren't done with the birds yet, remember...
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:25 pm (UTC)
Ha ha ha! Mr. Stoney walked in and read the header then walked out again. (Canonized, the definition is HIGH-sterical - can I finish?)

I made him listen to me read the whole story last night in my impeccable accent, and he cracked up at the "guano" line. I may have to call you and read the funny bits... It'll be like Lubed! all over again!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 02:44 pm (UTC)
Re: ..can I finish?
I just sent you an email about how dumb I am. I called... your house! I do have a lovely baritone, don't I? Ha!

Pik tours. Wif doggies in hats! Must post. YOU HEAR ME??
spikendru
Dec. 10th, 2004 02:53 pm (UTC)
Re:canonized (you know, made a saint, not sanitized until all the fanony smutty bits are gone from h
Erm, I think that would be "Simonized"--the sanitizing until all the lovely smutty bits are gone. Canonized is of the good!

And Cecily certainly isn't up on her carols, is she? How long is it gonna take for the stupid bint to "get" it?

At least they won't have to worry about purchasing the Christmas goose! (Or the New Year's goose, Valentine's Day goose, Easter goose . . .)
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
Re: canonized (you know, made a saint, not sanitized until all the fanony smutty bits are gone from
as long as you don't Martinize me, I'm good.

Interesting thing about the song: not very popular. It was known, but people were still caroling the religious standards. Like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Silent Night. SO she may have a passing knowledge of it, but then again, she's pretty self-focused, so she must not think he is really going to follow through on the entire list. Plus: she thinks of him as poor, and you DID NOT buy presents for people with more money that you. So...
zinnydark
Dec. 10th, 2004 12:20 pm (UTC)
Hee! I've finally come out of my lurking to tell you that I <3 this! and can't really say anything that hasn't already been said...

~runs and hides~
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 01:27 pm (UTC)
No lurking! Step out into the sunshine! Er, my journal, if you won't hate yourself in the morning for doing it!

10Q for the love, and my heart is swelling with periocardio infection, or maybe just a whole lotta love fer ya!
leeannaray
Dec. 10th, 2004 02:25 pm (UTC)
So, no mention of sending the rings back. Seems like Cecily's true colors are showing. I guess once the butcher comes her family will be eating well.
Please don't lose faith in this story. I'm enjoying it immensely.
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 02:45 pm (UTC)
I have it in mind that Cecily is forcing her parents to give them away to the butcher and not keep the birds. This will change as the song progresses, however. Hee hee!

Thank you so much for saying you like it. It means alot that my friends will read the detritus I throw on screen...
cityphonelines
Dec. 10th, 2004 02:58 pm (UTC)
Have I told you this makes my heart bulge? Yeah? Well, I'll say it again. There will be no losing the faith of this tale. Do you understand, young lady?

I can't in good conscience release them to the elements
She has a conscience? Who knew? And now she's cursing? How uncouth.

And I love the word 'chittering', love it.
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 03:15 pm (UTC)
I love chittering, and if you have ever seen a cage full of those puff balls... It'd spring to your mind, too.

Just wait until the gifts keep coming. Cecily does lose complete control over her tongue and manner...

My kids are singing the first verse of "Feliz Navidad" over and over in the other room. Makes me long for the chittering of birds... Ha ha!
likeadeuce
Dec. 10th, 2004 03:58 pm (UTC)
hee hee! you rule.

i always wondered what the deal with all the birds was in that song.
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 07:26 pm (UTC)
I know, right? Believe me, Cecily is going to go ape shit over all the birds...

Can I also say that my favorite version of this song is sung by The Muppets? And I can't hear "5 gold rings!" without following it with "ba dum bum bum." And Beaker wins hands down for 9.. "mee mee mee mee mee mee mee..."

I am seriously losing it.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 10th, 2004 07:28 pm (UTC)
I didn't think they established a specific time frame from William turning his mother (you want to bring your mum wif us?) to her freaky demon sex with her son gettiing killed moment. I'll just leave it there.

I'm glad you are enjoying this! I had fun writing it, and I re-read it in my head in the most haughty Cecily tone that makes me laugh.
mskakaako
Dec. 11th, 2004 01:20 am (UTC)
Heeheee...she said 'bugger'. She's not a very classy broad, is she? She's starting to cuss too. Naughty!

Also, the word gov'nor makes me laugh. Don't know why.
"Mornin' gov'nor!" ::affects fake Southern accent:: Hahah.

Mmmm...is she going to roast the geese? Gluttonous minds want to know.

stoney321
Dec. 11th, 2004 05:52 am (UTC)
Cecily is about to completely lose it.

Have I told you how much I appreciate you commenting to each post? You rule like an iron fisted demigod.
beadattitude
Dec. 11th, 2004 05:43 am (UTC)
OOh, and the house shall be all goose greasy, 'cause damn, them birds are oily.

OOOoh, you could always do a phone post and read them aloud to us.

::bats eyes fetchingly::
stoney321
Dec. 11th, 2004 05:54 am (UTC)
they ARE! My husband hunts waterfowl, and I usually try to burn his hunting gear instead of letting him stink up the garage when he cleans it

I LOVE the idea of a phone post!! Perhaps I'll do that at the last... Since most people will be home for the holidays (regardless of being Christian, most of Western Civilization gets those days off) it may be fun to have your ear glued to the speaker instead of being with friends and family... Oh, just me that thinks that? Huh. ;-)
beadattitude
Dec. 11th, 2004 06:52 am (UTC)
Honey, it's not just you.

I am so so grateful that Jeff doesn't hunt. This is an advantage to marrying a computer geek. Having the house littered with computer magazines and gear boxes is much less...stinky.

And whee! for the phone post!
spikesbint
Dec. 14th, 2004 04:37 pm (UTC)
hehe, just sounds like the heartlessness of cecily that she would have all the birds butchered.

Angela
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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