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I wanted to wish my Jewish friends a Happy Chanukah. May your candle burn bright!

Now, in more blasphemous news, I'm probably going to offend someone with this. Eh, it makes me laugh, and I'm not putting it in your home, so....

As many of you know (and if you've ever looked at my user info page) you'll note that I am a heathen. A horrorshow on two legs. Yes, Virginia, I am an atheist. But! I adore Christmas. By which I mean that I adore Western/Modern Christmas which is all about trampling people to death to buy an electronic race track that your children will be bored with after fifteen minutes of play and also the time-honored tradition of over eating.

That's a holiday I can support.

OK, OK, I have never and WILL NEVER shop on a Black Friday, I try to buy things that have meaning/use for people I love with no expectations of getting things in return, and I delight in twinkle lights and the smell of fresh cut pine/cedar, and come on, FUDGE. Plus, fancy meals that I get to cook for those I love because I'm actually a terrible gift-giver. Unless it's a meal, then I will stuff you to the gills and ply you with wine until you admit you love me.

(I'm a neglected middle child, what can I say.)

I also have always had a fascination with things like doll houses, models of ships and things, weetiny spaces with weetiny furnishings in which to fill said space. My Papa had a model ship that I would walk my fingers over every time I visited. I'd scramble up the cargo net and walk the plank and secretly wish I could take it home with me. I had a Barbie Dreamhouse (the kind with the elevator on the side that was 3 stories and it was made out of cardboard, not the fancy plastic one) that had me believing in Santa for years. True story. (I thought it must cost a million, trillion dollars - it was a dream house, people - and there was no way my parents could afford it, ergo, Santa is real. I was in the third grade.)

As a child we had an old school Nativity that went on a shelf (we didn't have a mantle, or as my sister called it, a Withcare. I'll give you a minute to decipher that one, ADORABLE.) and it had porcelain figurines that accompanied it, a pure white angle that hung off the top of the manger, a blond, blue-eyed baby Jesus (lol) in a little portable manger and some cows, not to mention the 3 Wise Men, Mary and Joseph. AWESOME. I got in a lot of trouble as a little girl for playing with them. "You don't play with the baby Jesus, Laura Anne, they're sacred!"

Well, they shouldn't have made him so cute, huh? Probably should have put some spring traps on the figurines that shoot out spikes to make you drop it.

Anyway, I don't put out a Nativity because I get that it's sacred to a lot of you. (You in general, I know you're all on the internets and can't see my house, and if you can, YOU NEED TO STOP, CREEPY CREEPER.) But I want one this year. I don't want a Baby Jesus Proper Nativity, I want the following figurines:

For Baby Jesus: Wee Cthulhu (I found one with a bobbing head!)
For the Angel on High: The Spider Woman who created the universe by spinning a web
For Mary: Kali
For Joseph: a Cylon action figure
For the 3 Wise Men: Albert Einstein action figure, Charles Darwin, and if I can find it, Carl Sagan action figure. (Otherwise I might go with a Spike figure as a Wise Ass Man.)
For the barn animals: Assorted random animal figurines like a platypus, a unicorn, etc. etc.

THIS PLEASES ME GREATLY. I know it's offensive to someone out there, but I'm just playing around with mythical creatures (barring the Wise Men) because I think it's kinda hilarious. I would, um, hide it when my folks came over, or just not put it out where prominent so as to not offend them to their faces. See? I'm not so horrible!

Oh, I am, who are we kidding. CTHUHLU! The Great Old One on my mantle, stealing the soul of all who enter. It would be pretty awesome.

and I've kinda already started buying the figurines...



Finishing up prompts from yesterday will have to be put on hold as I've remembered a project I didn't finish before the guests came. I have GOT to be better about finishing things, ugh.

Also, there's half a pan of fudge in my kitchen, and I kinda need a nom.

Comments

( 99 comments — Leave a comment )
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dancetomato
Dec. 1st, 2010 07:58 pm (UTC)
Mini!sis believed in Santa until she was 9. When her friend told her Santa wasn't real and that your parents gave you the presents, she replied: "I got 22 presents last year and there is NO way MY mother would buy me 22 presents."

I have a bajillionty nativity sets, but no Cthulhu.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:02 pm (UTC)
HEEEEE, your sister is cute, and that was my way of thinking, too. I think I held on until 5th grade.

THEY ARE JUST FUN, WHAT CAN I SAY?
megarandom
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:00 pm (UTC)
Brilliant.

If someone's offended, they need to be.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:03 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahahaha.
huzzlewhat
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:00 pm (UTC)
My favorite ever gift from my aunt was a T-shirt that showed a classic nativity scene, with a voice bubble coming up that said, "It's a girl!" :-)
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:03 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD THAT IS FABULOUS.
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fishwithfeet
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:14 pm (UTC)
Your idea is spectacular! I already have an einstein bobble head.. now to convince the husband to collect the rest of the items. I think his only objection would be that we're hosting christmas this year and his mother and my parents are actually religious...
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:29 pm (UTC)
There's an actual Einstein action figure that you can buy, it's awesome!
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sdwolfpup
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:20 pm (UTC)
No Stephen Hawking as one of the three wise men? Stoney, I am disappoint.

ION: I also had the cardboard three-story Barbie dreamhouse with the elevator! Best part was that the elevator sides only went up about halfway and Barbie would always fall out on the way up. IT'S A DREAMHOUSE, BARBIE, NOT A DEATHHOUSE.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:27 pm (UTC)
STEPHEN HAWKING! If I could find one, he would be Man #1, bearing a gift of the Necronomicon or a small model of DNA. :D

Ahahaha, I forgot about Barbie falling out of it. I do remember the swanky mid-century decorations (and pool!) photographs that were glued to the cardboard "walls."
ryokomusouka
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:22 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately, that would seriously offend my hubby.

I find it hilarious, though.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:28 pm (UTC)
Really? Like seriously be offended? I guess I'm just still surprised that people get offended by random stuff like this. (I mean, hey, slushie in the face, offensive slur is one thing. But still.)
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arcana_j
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:34 pm (UTC)
I'm coming to your house for Christmas!

Or rather, I'm coming in to your house for Christmas. Creeping is a lonely business. Besides, it's cold out here and these shrubs chafe.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:44 pm (UTC)
HAHA, I have found you out for I have no shrubs! Well, unless you count a rose as a shrub. Touche, madam, touche.
evamagick
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:34 pm (UTC)
LOVE your nativity idea! That's lovely. :)

And you said, "I have GOT to be better about finishing things, ugh."

You could finish that pan of fudge. That would be finishing something. ;)
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:44 pm (UTC)
I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.
anniemare
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
Ummm. you forgot the Dalek...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z42AxgFMb8k
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:39 pm (UTC)
Why, the Dalek goes with the barn animals, of course! (Unless I build the nativity to look like a giant TARDIS, which could be awesome...)
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morgabe333
Dec. 1st, 2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
I see nothing blasphemous here. Want to go caroling?



There are a lot of these on YouTube. I've been happily memorizing them for the holiday season. I especially recommend "Oh, Cthulhu!" "Silent Night, Blasphemous Night" and "Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones."
fishwithfeet
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:19 pm (UTC)
Ha! Spectacular!
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kita0610
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:08 pm (UTC)
Do you know my friend Jess? (poisoninjest). She has an action figure nativity every year and she posts pics to her lj. One year the phantom of the opera swung from a chandelier over the baby Jesus while Spike and Superman looked on. Ah, holiday cheer...
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
I LOVE THAT!!

Have a lovely night tonight! (One of eight...crazy...niiiiiights!)
judetwee
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:13 pm (UTC)
Unicorn? Excellent.

I got interested and started looking up historical action figures. Jesus! Chief Crazy Horse! Blackbeard! You could stage an entire play with these things. It's amazing. Didn't see any Carl Sagan action figures, though I did see a lot of people saying they'd buy one.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
I'm really struggling to find a Carl Sagan one, which is just a BUMMER. Because yeah, who WOULDN'T want one?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:48 pm (UTC)
It's because anything where it's babies representing adults is creepy. Aww, they're naked and talking about love! Aww, their naked and cooking! GROCE.

Ahahaha, that's because you are my friend and you love me. (True story, TIFFANY sings "Gordok, Did you know?" every year, too. She knows nothing of fandom, she just thinks that's weirdly hilarious. Tiffany. I KNOW.)
(Deleted comment)
rikibeth
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:33 pm (UTC)
I love this Nativity concept and want pictures.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, there will be pictures!
bree_black
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:36 pm (UTC)
I am an atheist. But! I adore Christmas.

Me too! Sometimes it's awkward. I *love* the sound of your nativity. But I think you accidentally missed the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:50 pm (UTC)
....that's Cthulhu. ;) Just a kinder, gentler version because Cthulhu will eat your soul as he is one of the Old Ones. Ha ha ha.

Everyone's represented! I think I'm going to make the manger shaped like a TARDIS. Lol.
dovil
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
This pleases me greatly too - PHOTOS! Or get in a sketch artist, but this must be documented for prosperity. You can make it the cover of your book with you standing next to it giving the double thumbs up while using the bible as a coaster for your drink(s).
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 09:51 pm (UTC)
I'm going to get a police sketch artist to draw it so it looks super intense and intriguing. Also, LOL.
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amelie_mn
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:13 pm (UTC)
Ok, I am mostly a huge stalker-like lurker on this blog, but I had to chime in and share something. This is a photo of what the Nativity at my parents' house usually looks like: Nativity scene

It all started with a trip to Disney World when I was 7. We picked up Snow White and the Dwarves and then it just snowballed from there. My grandma was HORRIFIED the first time she saw it. Now it's just fun.
meridius
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:20 pm (UTC)
HA HA <3 this
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txvoodoo
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:14 pm (UTC)
I wanna know how this goes over in your neighborhood ;)
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
Well, they won't know about it, because it's on my mantle. :D I'm not one of those inflatable Jesus on the lawn types. Ahaha.
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flake_sake
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:14 pm (UTC)
Sounds like fun :)
meridius
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:19 pm (UTC)
I still want my santa cthulhu...my non-santa one will have to suffice in the meantime...or I could sew a hat on him... hmmm
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:02 pm (UTC)
Oooh, google that, because I know I saw one somewhere online today.
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milurie
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:22 pm (UTC)
Print this out on cardstock?

(Hi. I'm new to LJ and enjoy your writing very much.)
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:02 pm (UTC)
LOL, that's one of my faves!!

Hello, and thank you very much!
thefuzzyhat
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:25 pm (UTC)
THIS.

ALL OF IT.

FOREVER.

stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:01 pm (UTC)
AND EVER.

AND EVER.

AND EVER.

AND EVER.

AND EVER.
sheafrotherdon
Dec. 1st, 2010 10:29 pm (UTC)
Sadly, there is no photo of this on the interwebs, but I was in the FIeld Museum store in Chicago last weekend, and they had a nativity set that brought me joy - a bright yellow tin car, with Mary, Joseph, and Jesus driving, and everyone else crammed in the back doing \o/ as if they were in a rollercoaster. I laughed right out loud.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
OH. MY. OLD ONES.

(lol) That is absolutely WONDERFUL and HILAIROUS.
elizardbits
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:29 pm (UTC)
OMG LAURA. I cannot believe you have lived so long unaware of the glorious Catalan xmas custom of the caganer. Yes, it is a little nativity scene guy who is pooping in the corner. IDEFK WHAT THE INSANE CATALAN OBSESSION WITH POOP IS ALL ABOUT BUT SRSLY THEY ARE MANIACS.

Also, one year in Spain, when we were all wrecked on Eiswein, we plotted to steal the baby Jesus from the nativity scene in the middle of town, which was approximately the size of a transoceanic shipping container, and return it on christmas morning LIKE A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE but we were pretty sure we'd be lynched.


The Great Old One on my mantle, stealing the soul of all who enter.

you are really going to enjoy my xmas cards this year, then
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:50 pm (UTC)
I REALLY REALLY FEEL THAT I HAVE MISSED OUT ON SOME IMPORTANT LIFE MOMENTS NOW. I curse my Mormon upbringing and their sanitization of the Holidays thereby DENYING ME the greatness of the shitting elfin.

AHAHAHAHA, you should have thrown it in the water, waiting for it to bob then said, OOPSIE, I'M NOT IN ITALY, WRONG HOLIDAY, MY BAD. I think we all would have laughed AND learned a great lesson. *upside down smile*

WHEEEE, you are the bestest, but you know that already.
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a2zmom
Dec. 1st, 2010 11:50 pm (UTC)
Many years ago I wouldn't let Aaron buy an action Jesus. Now I feel all guilty...
stoney321
Dec. 2nd, 2010 01:28 am (UTC)
See, he could have taken the Jesus figurine everywhere and said to people, "What WOULDN'T Jesus do?"
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( 99 comments — Leave a comment )

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