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HELLO, YEAR ELEVEN. So far I've been puffy-faced from allergies and flabby butted, so I've got a gimlet eye on you. A GIMLET EYE.

I did work out today, which is good for me because I was one lazy chica this holiday season. I mean in regards to working out, because it was non-stop family, teenager angst, house work, putting up decorations, taking down decorations, cooking, blah blah blah. You know what I'm not doing today? Cooking. Or laundry. Or washing. Those aren't dust motes you see, those are my stink motes. LOL. I'm totally going to start a ska-Tejana-fusion band and name it Stink Motes. There will be an accordion, and I will feature a jig doll, because I'm classy. No balancing sticks will be allowed at our gigs, but you can mosh.

I'm filming two shorts on Wednesday, so this is when I begin to panic and realize that I'm going to be on film, with flab, because I didn't work out and because I ate forty pounds of fudge. Okay, it was only 38, but you get my point. They're a kind of screen test for a feature length film, so that's why I'm panicking. Blah blah, I'll be fine, but you don't know that. What if the camera picks up my stink motes? SEE? YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT, DID YOU. Some friend you're turning out to be.

...hi, new folks, welcome to Crazy Town, population: Me.

To continue this post of non sequiturs, I would like to complain about and laugh at True Blood for a bit, but I'll put it under a cut in case there's one person that worries about being spoiled for crack cocaine in television form.

1. GOOD HELL ANNA PAQUIN IS A TERRIBLE ACTRESS. I don't know if it's a result of the director wanting her to be a stupid empty shell that doesn't even know how to STAND (seriously, just watch an episode and focus on how she can't stand still without wobbling. I think Nagini is inside of her, waiting to bust out of her pasty [omg she is supposed to be TAN] skin and turn BEEEEEL into a Horcrux.) or if she just really doesn't know how to be in her own skin as a character. Yeah, there were parenthesis inside of parenthesis. I HAVE LAYERS, AND SO DOES MY WRITING.

2. I am grossed out by BEEEEEL. And most people on this show. I do not want to see Tara and Sam getting it on. I do not want to see most of the sex on this show. Unless it is Jessica/Hoyt and Eric/anyone. SORRY, THAT IS HOW I ROLL.

3. Tommy was a repugnant character. Let's face it, most of the characters are. Russell Edgington is hilarious, though. "And now the weather, Tiffany?" Never fails to crack me up. Crystal is a disgusting character, too. WAY TO MAKE EVERY WOMAN A SOUTHERN STEREOTYPE, ALAN BALL. Eff you in the bee hole.

4. TARA. For the love of... when you watch multiple episodes in a row you realize just how horrible a character that actress has been saddled with. ALL SHE DOES IS GET ABUSED AND SOB. Then yells about how life is unfair. Then tries to have sex with someone, then gets abused and cries about it. GOOD HELL. I hope that character is gone for a loooooooong time. Let that actress go get work elsewhere and restore her dignity and work on her tris and biceps.

5. Eric and Pam. I just want those guys all the time. The Fairy crap is redonk (and seriously, why is a fairy wearing a FUR SHRUG OMFG) the Vampire politics are not as interesting as the producers/writers seem to think they are, and AHAHAHAHA the final fight with the Queen (ugh) and BEEEEEL had me howling with derision.

Why am I watching this stupid show? Oh, right, ERIC AND PAM. They get so much right there, and then they eff it all to aitch with EVERYTHING ELSE.

...I'm trying to not cuss as much in the new year. Ahahaha, I'm fucking kidding. SORRY. Tiger, stripes, etc.

OK, this show is just so ridiculous. MAKE ME STOP CARING, PLEASE.



I totally slacked off on New Years Day and didn't make my tamales, so guess what I'm doing today? Listening to Oye Como Va by a STEEL DRUM BAND (plus other songs, but that's the key to getting me grooving) and rolling up doobies of meat. MEAT AND CORN MEAL, the greatest of the doobie brothers. Chile powder, keep on rolling, Wild pork tamales gonna keep on flowin' in me, Cumin, garlic, secret thingy, goin' in my masa, gonna keep on eating {they're free!}

I may have just had a stroke, someone check on me in an hour, please. HELLO NEW YEAR, I AM BRINGING THE SPAZZ.

[ETA!!!] I completely forgot to post a picture of the most AMAZING CHRISTMAS THINGY EVER. I'm looking for my camera cord, will upload in a minute. TO BE CONTINUED HERE IT IS.

OKAY. I need to say up front that I love my step-mother very much. I think long-time readers know that. The woman is a very skilled artisan, but she has a LOUSY SENSE of style. Like, I cannot stress this enough. My sister is probably nodding her head vigorously at this.

So I got a lovely gift of a muffin tin (gold tone, the Williams Sonoma brand, exactly as I asked for, THANK YOU!!) from her, but I guess she felt I needed more? And I'm pretty sure she made this gift? And it's.... well, it's well made, skillfully so, but GOOD LORD IS IT UGLY AND REDONK.



But Stoney, you're saying, this is just a harmless apron. SHUT UP, YOU. 1) This is a very frilly and girly apron, both of which I am not, and it has butterflies and ruffles on it. Also, the strings are too short, you can't wrap them around the front, and also, I do not need an apron.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE. Not liking this by itself would just be bitchy of me. YOU SEE, MY APRON HAS A SECRET.

There are velcro straps underneath. And there are these two... things... affixed to the under side. And when you un-velcro them, they hang down to my feet. And I thought to myself, "Stoney, are these to protect you from shin attacks? Are these thick pads so you can bake a soufflé and then scurry off to battle the Japanese army, killing samurai with your mind bullets and your quick wit?"

And my sister and I tried and tried to understand, even closing our eyes for a few moments, deep in thought. AND THEN SHE FIGURED IT OUT: they are OVEN MITTS. Attached. Attached at the hem of the apron, and tucked underneath. I'd bake me. I'd bake me so hard. Goodbye muffins.....I'm crying over you!

If you don't get the Silence of the Lambs reference you a) are dead to me and b) you've obviously not read this LJ for any period of time, because it's all Jame Gumb all the time.*

*slight exaggeration, by which I mean a huge exaggeration.

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF MY CROSS-DRESSING MASTERPIECE OF WTF.



I could also maybe cosplay in a weird Gingerbread Man group, but I don't wanna, that's skeery. Those hangy down things come to my ANKLES. It's all just very weird. And unnecessary. But I love my step-mom very much.

Comments

( 66 comments — Leave a comment )
brunettepet
Jan. 3rd, 2011 05:45 pm (UTC)
The sex in "True Blood" is the least sexy sex that I have ever seen. Why are you still watching that stupid show?? It makes my skin crawl.

And speaking of skin crawling, the mister and I watched "Black Christmas" for Christmas because the 1974 trailer (which we saw before "Rare Exports," another fun horror Christmas movie) was "If this doesn't make your skin crawl, it's on too tight!" Dude, how could we not want to see an awesome Keir Dullea, Olivia Hussey, John Saxon, Margot Kidder, Andrea Martin movie directed by "Porky's" director Bob Clark????!!! What a hoot.

I made an Indian feast for Christmas. It was ridiculously good. I'm thinking some curried chicken tamales would be a delicious twist on a classic.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:07 pm (UTC)
SEE ICON FOR REASON WHY. They are compelling characters AND actors. GAH. It's like they keep pulling me back in!

I've not seen that, either! I'll have to see if it's on Netflix/demand and cackle like a wicked besom myself.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM. When you make them, please send me two. I'm not greedy.
tabaqui
Jan. 3rd, 2011 05:58 pm (UTC)
You know, it's a pity. Ms. Paquin was *so good* in 'The Piano'....

Eh.

*no, i don't watch tb, i just read your reviews. :)*
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
...but was she? I mean, yes, she got an award, but honestly, I don't think she was some miracle actor child in that, either. I AM A HATEFUL WOMAN, NEVER MIND ME. ;)
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brunettepet
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC)
Stoney, I am laughing out loud over an apron!! Those knee pad/chaps are grotesque and fascinating. Get into that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans and knee pad/chaps!
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:17 pm (UTC)
THE PADDED CHAPS!!! Isn't that hilarious?!?!
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tabaqui
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:14 pm (UTC)
WOW.

That's a very nice butterfly apron.

*stares*

Yes, indeedy.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:17 pm (UTC)
This is one of those instances when a quiet, "Bless." is necessary.
flaming_muse
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:22 pm (UTC)
I could also maybe cosplay in a weird Gingerbread Man group

*dies laughing*

Who when needing potholders wants to reach for them at one's knees?

How... nice of her to put so much effort into something for you?
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:24 pm (UTC)
But see, what if I need to pick up something hot resting at shin level? And what if my pot holders are on the counter behind me? I think you're missing the time I'm saving here. I mean, now I can finally tackle Tolstoy in an afternoon.

Um... yes, that's how I'm seeing it, too. How lovely that you thought of me for the duration of crafting....that. :) Heh.
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stephanierb
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC)

Very cool apron. It does look pretty funny with the mitts hanging down, though.

I'm with you on Anna Paquin. This show should be right in my wheelhouse, and her character is one that I should love, but I just can't. I still watch because I find it quite entertaining, but I don't think it's good.

I'd bake me. I'd bake me so hard.

I laughed out loud in my office when I read that. Good thing my boss is still out.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:31 pm (UTC)
"Very cool apron." Oh, honey, I'm sorry I didn't know you had a brain fever! *sends you cold compresses* Lol.

"I find it quite entertaining, but I don't think it's good." We are like minded, sister. I mean... I do. not. get. it. And yet.

HA. You are my favorite, tell no one.
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ryokomusouka
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)
Never mind me. I'm only here for the tamales.

Send me some. SEND ME SOME NOW.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:35 pm (UTC)
THEY ARE COOKING. Tamale I'm rolling them. HAR HURR DURR.
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sunnyd_lite
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)
Well Stoney,, it's an apron you wouldn't mind getting stains on.

Happy Happy 2011 and break a leg on Wednesday!
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:35 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahaha, what a wonderful way to look at things, YES, THAT IS TRUE!

Same to you and more of it! (Except for wishing you bodily harm. Unless you're going on stage yourself, in which case, hurt a spleen!)
turnonmyheels
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:46 pm (UTC)
My Nanny Brown would think that was THE most AMAZING and INGENIOUS apron ever.

For realz.

Happy New Year Stoney and good luck Wednesday
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:29 pm (UTC)
I bet this was a pattern that circled the church circuit for a while.

Happy New Year to you, too! <3
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)
POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY. God knows I burn my shins all the time on the coals as they fly out at me. SHE MADE IT, SAM. SHE CRAFTED IT WITH HER HAND MEAT. FOR ME.

Dude, you're my #1 band groupie. I like that you always bring it. By "it" I mean yer bewbs.
essene
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:56 pm (UTC)
What are those flappy things? Dear lord...maybe it's to protect your delicate thighs from the searing heat of the oven? *ROTFLMAO* That's one hellova apron.

And true dat on True Blood. I couldn't even make it through the first episode.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:32 pm (UTC)
Those flappy things are BUILT IN OVEN MITTS.

I wish I could quit it, BUT I CAN'T. It's baffling to me!! But then I look at Alexander Skaarsgard, and I remember why I tune in. Him and Alcide, unf.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:33 pm (UTC)
I am going to take a picture in it later to show off the glory. LOL.

Thank you, my sweet Anne girl! Let's hope I don't bork it up.
jjblazer
Jan. 3rd, 2011 08:04 pm (UTC)
Lookee here - THIS oven mitt apron has EYES!

http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/oven-mitt-apron

Still, yours comes in first, hands down (haha), for negative style points.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 09:11 pm (UTC)
They should have made them googly eyes! Then Amy Sedaris would have worn it!
aimeelicious
Jan. 3rd, 2011 09:13 pm (UTC)
Dude. Just...dude.

And since I have only seen season one of TB so far, I appreciate the cut tag, I really do! I'm not a Nazi about spoilers, if I find something out it's not the end of the world, but I'd kind of prefer not to. So, thanks!

Happy New Year! And stuff. Good luck with the filming on Wednesday!
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 09:36 pm (UTC)
No worries, you know I'm a bit of a Nazi about spoilers, too! (I was being sarcastic in my post, you know.)

Thank you! And Happy New Year to you, too!
ethrosdemon
Jan. 3rd, 2011 09:17 pm (UTC)
I don't know if it's a result of the director wanting her to be a stupid empty shell that doesn't even know how to STAND (seriously, just watch an episode and focus on how she can't stand still without wobbling. I think Nagini is inside of her, waiting to bust out of her pasty [omg she is supposed to be TAN] skin and turn BEEEEEL into a Horcrux.)

On a rooooooooooooolllllllllllllllll there, woman!

I guess you were watching the TB rebroadcast with Liz and I and we didn't know it? YOU COULD HAVE IMED WITH US WHILE WE WALLOWED IN DISGUST.



I don't mind Jason having sex, either, but I'd prefer if it was someone other than Crystal.

THE SHOW IS SO FUCKING BAD. And what amazes me is...how people don't seem to realize. HBO appears to think it's BRILLIANT. The critics LOVE It. Level with me, are we in a weird vortex of non-reality?
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 09:39 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AT MY HORCRUX JOKE. I can always count on you, can't I?

I WAS, I WAS! Eh, I had fambly all up in my grill, so my internet was off for me so I could focus. OH. AND YES TO JASON. He can just be naked and cavort a lot, and that's fine with me.

I do NOT get these people that think it's brilliant. I mean, I'll give you Summer being hilarious with her "I even offered him my virginity" as a funny bit, but... They've all convinced themselves they've written some sort of satire, BUT THEY AREN'T BEING IRONIC WITH THIS SHIT, THEY ACTUALLY LOVE THIS RETARDED SOAP OPERA THEY'VE WRITTEN.

It's Passions with sex and blood, come on.
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fiveandfour
Jan. 3rd, 2011 10:06 pm (UTC)

Nice try, but that apron/oven mitt garment (never thought I'd be saying that) still doesn't beat the homemade underwear I received from a loved one for Christmas one year. Maybe next year, Stoney, maybe next year.

And as for True Blood, I think Holt and Jessica are my favorite couple. Eric is almost too awesome to be linked up with anyone, romantically speaking, so the relationship with Pam works for me just the way they are.

stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 10:35 pm (UTC)
PICTURES OR I STILL WIN.

I looooooove Hoyt and Jessica - I think the actors are great in their roles, and the characters are actually interesting, too. I love Eric and Pam, no matter how they're presented. They're so catty and delightfully awful. <3
elizardbits
Jan. 3rd, 2011 10:48 pm (UTC)
SRSLY HDU WATCH THE MARATHON WITHOUT THE ACCOMPANIMENT OF OUR GLORIOUS WITTICISMS LAURA.

Bill and Sookie make me gag like whoa. I want all EricPamJessicaHoytAlcideLafayetteJesus all the time. Also Lafayette's mom can stay, she is fucking awesome. Everyone else can fuck directly off, especially those appalling goddamn fairies, ugh. And Tara's mom needs to be torn to pieces by something particularly ghastly.

Oh, Jason can stay as well. He is a delight. Russell is also enormously entertaining, although I miss Talbot's bitchery. Sigh.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 11:03 pm (UTC)
I HAD A STUPID HUSBAND WHO KEPT SHARKING ME - I HAD TO RECORD AND WATCH WILLY NILLY, WOE.

Talbot! Oh, what a fun character he was, and so pretty, too. GOD DAMN ALAN BALL. It's like he figures out what will be awesome and then tears it out of the script and fills it in with Tara's horrendous accent and Sookie running weird with her arms behind her, crying to her dead Gran about booooooooys. Fuck you.
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a2zmom
Jan. 3rd, 2011 11:10 pm (UTC)
If you cut a slit in the botton of those mitts, you could wear then as leg warmers.

That's right, you could single handed;y bring back the eighties but with a funky 2011 twist.

No need to thank me for this brilliant idea.
stoney321
Jan. 3rd, 2011 11:26 pm (UTC)
Girlfriend, leg warmers have been on the scene for a year now! That's what you get for having boys. (I laugh every damn time I see a pair strutting around, too.)
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lynnenne
Jan. 3rd, 2011 11:33 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. But on the plus side, the apron is RED, so you could carve up body after body and NO ONE WOULD NOTICE THE BLOOD.

Merry Christmas, Jame. :D
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:32 pm (UTC)
I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB. Which means I'll want to borrow it to dispose of the bodies, smaller pieces, you understand.
kita0610
Jan. 3rd, 2011 11:54 pm (UTC)
Ok. So here's what we're gonna do.

A. Find Anna Panquin.
B. Put her ass in that apron.
C. SET IT ON FIRE.

This is a good plan, and I am proud to be a part of it.
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:33 pm (UTC)
I am proud you thought of me for this BRILLIANT PLAN.

2 birds + 1 stone = KITA SMART.
spicedrum
Jan. 4th, 2011 12:24 am (UTC)
I was linked over by Kassie, and I feel the need to ask if you ever saw LL Cool J on Late Night with Conan O'Brien that one time when he quoted that particular bit from Silence of the Lambs and did a little bit of the Buffalo Bill dance. ??

Total stab in the dark, I know, but for some reason I had to ask.
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:34 pm (UTC)
Hello! And NO BUT OH MY GOD I WANT TO. (Um, I have a sort of...thing for LL. Ladies Love Cool James, and all.)

That's awesome, and now I'm off to scour YouTube for a clip. (I'm seriously obsessed with that movie. I think it's brilliant.)
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ruthless1
Jan. 4th, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
I'm not gonna lie to you - I watch tb for Sam and his 70's hair. I love that character. One by product of watching the tv series is that I can no longer read the books. They are some of the worst written things I've ever read. But gimme some more of Sam and his shaggy hair any day.
I just feel embarrassed for Anna. She is just so terrible that everyone around her has to work twice as hard to try and cover for her. What was Alan Ball thinking?
Hi Stoney - long time no chat.
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:35 pm (UTC)
I am not pleased with the direction of Sam's character - they're determined to make him a dick, I believe. But eh, to each hsi own.

You're exactly right with Anna forcing everyone to pick up her slack. They can, but come on, it's not that challenging - the scenes she's in. Run, cry, whirl around and stand awkwardly, try and tell people to piss off, have sex. BLEH.

HI!
herald_mari
Jan. 4th, 2011 03:14 am (UTC)
Oh thank GOD someone else feels about the sex in that show. We saw the first two episodes, and I'm like "the people they're showing naked are not the people I care about. At all." If I never watched it again, I'd be happy. It feels like someone said "oh, this is on HBO. It needs boobies!" And not very attractive ones at that. LOL!!!!

You. Are. My. Hero. Thank you for saying aloud what I've been thinking about that show. :)
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, there are a whole bunch of us that feel that way about the sex. You'd think the writers/producers would pick up on the animosity the "fans" have. Mostly they're too busy congratulating themselves for making a gory, porny Passions to realize they're not writing satire or parody, they're writing shit they actually love, and it is SHIT.
mumsisdaughter
Jan. 4th, 2011 11:27 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to be giggling like a mad woman over your padded apron because your ma-in-law must have put hours of love into making it, but all I can see is you kneeling on the padded knee protectors in an attitude of prayer in front of your oven, perhaps to the goddess of yummy-things :D
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:36 pm (UTC)
LOL!
chantal87
Jan. 5th, 2011 03:00 am (UTC)
Oh My! I know I'm late to the party (as per usual) But I had to comment upon that fancy chappy apron of yours.

It's just neat.
I <3 you hard and you make me laugh like a hyena.
stoney321
Jan. 5th, 2011 03:42 am (UTC)
Ahaha, how awesome are those chaps? Get 'em up Rawhide! *whip crack!*
( 66 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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