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I really hated that show. I hate those "oh noes, we've gone from bad situation to worse, hurr!" stuff and why? BECAUSE IT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE. Exhibit A:

This morning I wake up, stagger to the kitchen, grab the coffee filter, and open the front door to let the dog out and dump the grounds into the garden, and all hell breaks loose. Everything in my house that could sound an alarm, does. I have three kids that stayed the night (6 kids total) and they all wake up terrified, crying, thinking the house is on fire.

Here's the thing: I don't have an alarm system. I mean, there's one that came with the house, but we don't have an alarm service. So there's no code I can enter, there's no tech support I can call to figure out how to disarm this. The dog starts howling, the cats are moaning, and the kids are yelling at one another. My husband is TOTALLY unhelpful (and is also over 1200 miles away.) I find the number for the alarm monitoring service on a placard that was put in a window by the original owners. That # now goes to a sex hotline.

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

I try disconnecting the fire alarms, no good. I go to the main power source for the alarm (*remember, the power is out on the block) and disable the main power line for the alarm. That makes a Klaxon warning siren sound to add to the fun. Tripping the breaker to that part of the house does nothing, btw.

After 15 minutes and random button pushing, it all goes off. The power comes back on. I guess that these two things are related.

Two hours pass. The power cuts out again (they're doing rolling blackouts to help distribute power up here) and it all goes off again. Oh my effing gee. I look up the panel online (I still have my good ol' iPhone) and see that there's a tech support #. Aaaaaand they're no longer in business. Of course. My son decides to go to the garage and get a new jug of milk which sets off ANOTHER alarm.

I unscrew the control panel by the front door and there is a HORNETS NEST IN THE WALL.

SERIOUSLY. I am not joking. I find a tiny eyeglass screw driver, unscrew EVERYTHING from the panel/motherboard and that one goes silent. I go to all of the other boxes and do the same thing. I should mention that I have vaulted ceilings, so I can't reach most of the fire alarms to turn them off, but they go silent when I go back to my closet and remove every single wire to the alarm panel.

If ever there was a reason to drink, this would be it. It's not even noon yet. There are supposed to be brown outs all day long. I hope I got all of the wires, good hell. (Oh and the older cat, Hope, pooped in her fright. OK, that's funny, even I can see that.)

SEND DRUGS. AND EAR PLUGS. AND WARM WEATHER. AND AN ELECTRICIAN. [ETA] Heard from one visiting child's parents just now that they had a similar situation happen with their smoke detectors. At 3am. And 5am. They disconnected the fire alarms to keep them from triggering, and have everyone on High Alert to monitor any smoke, etc. Good lord, what a mess.


( 74 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:30 pm (UTC)
Holy crap,L.

I do not even. Uhm. Want some of Maze's stuff?
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:36 pm (UTC)
I just crawled through the closet and garage following every wire I could find that connects to this and unscrewed it. Jesus Jumped Up Cristobal.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:41 pm (UTC)
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I'm having a gin and tonic on your behalf. It's the least I could do. Do not dye your hair red on the strength of this experience. Or marry anyone pretending to be called Ricky. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:44 pm (UTC)

Also, I really need these extra kids to go home. That's just adding to the stress. OH, now that the power is back on, I can raise the garage door and get the car out! <-- this has been my morning. Yeah.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:43 pm (UTC)
You really can't make shit like that up. No one would believe you.

But you know, it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Have some wine.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:44 pm (UTC)
I would like to LIKE your comment.

HORNETS. Hornets.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:51 pm (UTC)
I think the sex phone line was my favorite part.

The only way the world could make this up to you is by sending you a large unexpected sum of money. And a cabana boy.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:55 pm (UTC)
I had to dial it three times just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. Crazier. You know what I mean.

I approve your plan, and would like to form a committee to sign it into action.
... - wickedsin - Feb. 3rd, 2011 05:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:55 pm (UTC)
Good lord! That waaaaaaaay trumps my smoke detectors going off every time i use the oven.

Have a better day!
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:56 pm (UTC)
If I could just get my shoulders to drop from around my ears, I'd be mostly fine.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:56 pm (UTC)
I do not even have any idea, friend. That is the most insane thing I've ever heard. I think after the Klaxon I'd just start beating panels with a crowbar, so good on you for not raging out Betsy style.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:09 pm (UTC)
it was soooooooo close. So close.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahahaha. And yeah, if I knew how to get my hands on some, I think that would be what's needed. HORNETS NEST.

As if it wasn't insulting enough.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 05:57 pm (UTC)
Although this whole thing made me laugh like a look (sorry!), once thing kind of puzzled me:

Why are they doing planned rolling blackouts/brownouts in your area? Is it because of the weather? And if so, why would they do that?

I guess I'm puzzled because I've never heard of such a thing (me so parochial) happening in the winter. It strikes me as huuuugely dangerous, especially to children, elderly, and the ill.
... - liz_marcs - Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC)
I am actually deathly allergic to wasps/hornets/bees, so I shrieked and mentally checked if I still have an epi pen. They were all sluggish and sleepy from the cold, but STILL.

Eff you, Universe. Eff you in the bee hole.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC)
OMG what a disaster! I would have lost my friggin MIND!

And yes, booze must be had this day.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:36 pm (UTC)
See: icon. YEAH. Agreed re: booze.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)
This calls for BOOZE!!!!

Sheesh, way to wake up Stoney
Feb. 2nd, 2011 06:35 pm (UTC)
And it's -1 outside (wind chill) so of course no one wants to be outside.

I think I may have gotten this under control, the next brown out is in a little bit.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:02 pm (UTC)

What a nightmare. I cracked up at the sex hotline bit, though. You really couldn't make that up.

I'm impressed that you held it all together. All that racket is just cruel and unusual punishment.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:25 pm (UTC)
I MEAN. COME ON. It's a SEX HOTLINE?! Talk about a diverging business model...
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:07 pm (UTC)
And I bet all 6 children wanted breakfast during this!

Unfortunately, it reads like a comedy rather than the series of hair-tearing disasters it must have been, but that's the way we humans are, I suppose. It's our way of saying, 'Thank goodness, it wasn't me!' I can't send booze over t'internet so have a virtual hug, instead. I hope the next brown-out is quieter.

All supposing you declined the Casting Director's pleadings, who would you choose to play Stoney:Wonder Woman in the movie of your life?
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:26 pm (UTC)
No, they were all too freaked out thinking the house was burning to realize they hadn't eaten anything. :)
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:13 pm (UTC)
I laugh because I care.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)
You laugh because you hate my FACE.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
DAMN! *gives you a bottle of tequila* SMDH just wow. *hugs*
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you for knowing that tequila is my only hope...
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 2nd, 2011 08:08 pm (UTC)
Oh, there were tears, don't you worry about that. Loud noises + me = falling to pieces.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 07:54 pm (UTC)
Oh dear LAWD, sweetheart. How do you feel about single-malt? I can push a bottle of Oban through the router?
Feb. 2nd, 2011 08:22 pm (UTC)
I'll man the fwoomp tubes, thank you.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 08:26 pm (UTC)
I Love Lucy used to drive me to fits of violence. So many people died because of that programme. I'm going to be doing a Lucy tribute on our long (loooong) car journey by going WAAAAAHHHHHH the entire time. Murder/suicide, it's never pretty.

Your house is obviously posessed by satan. Have you thought about inviting Jesus into your heart?

And what is with the weather?? Snowapocolypse in America and between the floods and current windapocolypse in Queensland they can kiss that state goodbye. I remember when I was young the weather part of the news would take up three minutes, not be the lead story nearly every night.

We had a minor floodapocolypse recently and my ankles got slightly damp walking to the outside laundry. Where's my telethon? Where's mine?
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:24 pm (UTC)
I just checked our work orders, and it seems a Jesus installed this monstrosity, so NO I WILL NOT LET HIM INTO MY HEART, EITHER.

I will start a telethon for you ASAP. I should make sure that people make checks out to "CASH" and have them send them to me, first, though.
... - dovil - Feb. 3rd, 2011 12:10 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 2nd, 2011 08:41 pm (UTC)
I want to be sympathetic, but I'm laughing too hard. *tries to look chagrined at my response and fails*
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:24 pm (UTC)
Laugh it up, Fuzzball.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)

Uh. Oh god. I have now read your post. This sounds like MY LIFE. Except I never would have figured out how to get it turned off.

At least you're a ninja, so you were the best person to handle this situation?

Edited at 2011-02-02 09:24 pm (UTC)
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:23 pm (UTC)
WHERE IS YOURS!? Mine got eaten up by all the alarm drama. It only took... two hours to figure out how to make my ears stop bleeding? Ugh.
... - ethrosdemon - Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 2nd, 2011 11:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - ethrosdemon - Feb. 3rd, 2011 12:54 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 2nd, 2011 09:08 pm (UTC)
Our alarm at the old house would do that when the power went out too, and like you, we didn't actually have any service to it or handbook for it. We also didn't even have a number to call. Had I owned a baseball bat, it would have been used on that alarm box; I had to settle for unscrewing it and selective hand-bashing until it shut the hell up.

But only you could add in PHONE SEX LINE AND WASPS.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
If we had a bat, that would have been on my list of "things to try."

(Deleted comment)
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:26 pm (UTC)
I'll take that hug, add in a hot bath with epsom salts, a glass of wine, and children who have been drugged with sleep aids and that should go a long way to make up for this morning.

I am not supposed to have New England winters, NO ME GUSTA! I'm a hot house flower, unaccustomed to these cold winters in my native lands. :(
Feb. 2nd, 2011 09:44 pm (UTC)

I'll drink up bigtime for you, sweetheart. I'll drink for you, and I'll drink for Imbolc! May your evening be so much better than your morning.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:27 pm (UTC)
Chocolate chip cookies, warm soup, and a bottle of delicious wine await me, so I think it certainly couldn't be worse than this morning.

Waaaaah. *leans*
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC)
I hope this means that you can farm your children out to those families that were thoughtful enough to share their kids with you. I mean - multiple teenagers in a house with no power? And hornets? And possessed alarms that will not shut off? Snowed in?

Agree on the pot. Seriously, if you want your shoulders to ever come down.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:45 pm (UTC)
Well, we have power, except for these 15 minute intervals every few hours. And it was more of a thing where there were kids here, the weather got awful, and I wasn't about to send them out in it. I have plenty of sleeping bags, bottles of wine for me, etc. etc.

I'm about to draw a bath with some scented salts and pour a glass of wine, I'm hoping that chills me out. Bleh.
Feb. 2nd, 2011 11:03 pm (UTC)
OMG. I would probably have a mental breakdown with that kind of situation. I give you permission to IV a line of tequila. Right now.

I would say come to CA and escape the cold, but I'm pretty sure we're going to be rewarded with an earthquake to make up for the lack of snow. That's how this apocalypse thing goes, right?
Feb. 2nd, 2011 11:25 pm (UTC)
NO ME GUSTA TO EARTH SHAKES. I've been in one before, while on a MOUNTAIN and that was enough excitement for me, thanks. And good luck - hopefully you WON'T have one, BB.
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( 74 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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