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Does it have to "leak?" (and GIP...)

crazydiamondsue and I were talking all things slashy and porny on the phone yesterday, and we talked about what we like to read and why. This is strictly about the discriptions used to describe the act itself, so no specific 'ships are being represented. This is an equal opportunity "huh?" fest.

Those of you who have been reading this journal for awhile know my love of bad!fic. I'm talking horrible word choices, terribly wrong metaphors, and outlandish dialogue. On purpose. "Cream of cum?" "SHE-JUICE???" That's like watching some dude in a polyester suit hit on a super-model. Good time, family fun. That being said, I am not talking about "vaginal muscles contracting like a pissed off alligator." I'm talking about really good writers who I enjoy on a regular basis, but no one in particular.

One reason why you almost always have to take a movie based on a book on it's own merit is because the words have different meanings to each of us when we read it. When I hear about the blue of Spike's eyes, (azure, sea, old jeans, whatever) I have triggers in my brain that subconsciously flash an image connected to my life's experiences. I had a babysitter with a blue shirt I liked, or a school teacher with blue eyes, etc. My "faded blue denim" isn't the same as yours. Which is fine, and why so many of us love to read: we can connect on such a deeper level to the words of a really good writer because of our subconscious triggers. Because they lead us by the hand to the gate, but we see a different garden through that gate than the person standing next to us.

That being said, I like reading erotica and porn (no!! Really?) and I've even dabbled in writing some. I like the experience of "seeing" the action in my head, but... There is a difference between giving me enough information so my mind-movie can play it out as I read and shoving the camera lens up someone's ass and hitting zoom. Do I really need to see each and every hair on the man's sphinctre? The fold of her "inner walls?" Keep in mind that this is coming from a biologist. I've dissected my own cadaver, have had my hands inside more things than I care to print... If I want to read a medical forensics report, I'll go hit my old autopsy books. (Yes, I have a few hidden somewhere.)

My emphasis was Microbiology meaning: two semesters of disease, one of which was STDs. Now, I hear "leaking" cock, and I'm reaching for penicillin. I have an aunt who was head of ER for 30 years and she told us kids horror stories to keep it in our pants. The things people use for lube in their stories... Really? I mean, PEANUT BUTTER? Ya fucking kidding me? First off... EW. Dirty hole! Dirty hole!! Second, isn't it a little too sticky to work? And I swear to god it was chunky. Lord, bless us all. Another: motor oil? If the smell didn't knock you out, the FUCKING BURNING HOLE would. Wow.

In a nutshell, I say we use the upcoming holiday "down-time" for practice. And by practice, I mean, have lots of sex with your partner. You! The "motor oil for lube" person! Give that stuff a whirl and then report back. Can you walk, for example. Did you have to have any IVs to repair the damage to your body? I'll be the control, you do the wacky stuff, mm'kay? Think about what plays out in your head when you are "getting excited" and how much detail is just enough. In my opinion, the writers that give just enough to let my imagination take over (I really don't need to see the gaping ring of love, I'm serious.) are the best. And there are a lot of them out there. For the rest, I have my penicillin doses ready for your leaking cocks.

Love, Stoney

[ETA] Words that make a bit of puke come up: glistening (unless it's referring to snow. I don't want my hoochie to glisten, or someone's face to glisten after paying "me" a visit, moist (I've never liked this word. probably because I used to grow mushrooms and you have to keep the medium MOIST. Not sexy to me.)leaking as explained above = sounds like sick dick, and I hope no one ever sticks their tongue out at someone again. I have never seen anyone off the playground doing this ever, and it bugs me when older people in stories do it. THIS IS JUST ME, so don't get your knickers in a glistening, moist, leaky twist! *pokes tongue out*

[EDIT FOR ANGER FACTOR] Just finished my local paper where they were asking the local bon vivants what they wanted for Christmas, and one woman, decked out in her Hermes scarves and bags with a FUR STOLE, said she wanted, "real African ivory bangles FOR FUN." (Emphasis mine.) I want to drag her ass to Malawei and rub her face in the bloody stump on an elephant's face where they cut her ivory off. Maybe for Christmas I'll get an uptight, rich bitch's hands for earrings! Wow. That was angry. Sorry, but OMGWTF??



( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 16th, 2004 07:56 am (UTC)
OMG, I fucking love you
I know I say that at least once a day, and if I don't I should.

Give that stuff a whirl and then report back. Can you walk, for example. Did you have to have any IVs to repair the damage to your body? I'll be the control, you do the wacky stuff, mm'kay?

bwaaahaaahaaa. now Jesus just needs to send me somebody to practice with for Christmas. (If I pray really hard and eat all my vegetables. . .)

can't believe the fucking ivory thing. good god.
Dec. 16th, 2004 08:05 am (UTC)
OMG, Carrie, I fucking love you!!
Seriously. I have read stories where the description is TURNING ME OFF. I'll pray that Vishnu sends a handsome man your way. I have an idol in my house, and everything! (Compliments of the former occupants of my house.)

And the woman with the ivory dreams is TYPICAL DALLAS MONEY. Big hair, lots of big name jewelry and accessories on, probably has her full length furs in storage for the 2 days it's cold enough to warrant a full length coat (but never fur!!) My god, I lived in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It just doesn't get that cold here, but those women go to the GROCERY store in their furs. And have their purse dogs with them. Huh?? It's like there is a mental block to where it comes from...

Sorry for the rant, that is one of my big issues. (Not in a PETA way, because I think they are stupid. They don't even want other animals killing animals.)
Re: OMG, Carrie, I fucking love you!! - julia_here - Dec. 16th, 2004 08:21 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: OMG, Carrie, I fucking love you!! - stoney321 - Dec. 16th, 2004 08:50 am (UTC) - Expand
purse dogs! purse dogs! - likeadeuce - Dec. 16th, 2004 08:26 am (UTC) - Expand
beach donkeys - likeadeuce - Dec. 16th, 2004 06:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
spamming you today - likeadeuce - Dec. 16th, 2004 08:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 16th, 2004 08:08 am (UTC)
Yeah, that ivory thing is beyond the pale.

I have to admit something. I went and read me the whole "Cream of Cum" fic...I got started and it was like a bad train wreck that I ended up picking through the debris and...well. I've got a cold. I was delirious.

There was one scene where I was screaming "TIMEOUT....TIMEOUT!!!" (Well, more that usual) where they had anal sex, then vaginal sex and then she went down on him....all without condoms or washing. ::shudder:: EW. EWWWWWWW.

If you're going to write about it...know about it, and know what's safe and what's not. Geez.

Dec. 16th, 2004 08:58 am (UTC)
Now, keep in mind that I am excluding bad!fic from this discussion, as it's a given that there will be things that are horribly wrong, anal to vaginal to oral notwithstanding.

I'm referring to CELEBRATED fanfic writers that we all know and love using ghonorrhea symptoms to describe a hot love scene. Don't get it. And the oh, so wrong choices of lube make me hurt. I just don't like my cocks leaking or weeping. Too many medical classes floating around in my brain.
... - beadattitude - Dec. 16th, 2004 09:42 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 16th, 2004 08:27 am (UTC)
motor oil?

gives the post-coital smoke a whole new meaning. Maybe we should shove some up the ivory bint's arse. Bugger, (no pun intended) where did my spirit of Christmas go...?
Dec. 16th, 2004 08:56 am (UTC)
Just, wow.
Dude. I'm thinking spit wins over motor oil when you are in a pinch.

Just blows me away when I see lots of fb of the "OMG, this was so hot!!" variety when all I'm thinking is a dose of antibiotics are necessary and a cheesecloth filter for my BRAIN.

(IVORY!!! It's like she is completely unaware that it's ILLEGAL, not to mention HORRIBLY WRONG.) I'll deck HER halls...
Dec. 16th, 2004 10:04 am (UTC)
You. Rock. I was grossed out and amused all at the same time *g* And I totally agree...I got an imagination, let me use it *g*

Ivory for fun?! I'll ivory her. Pull her teeth out to make a necklace and see how fun it is.
Dec. 16th, 2004 12:09 pm (UTC)
Imaginations can be fun when you use them!

Pull her teeth out... Like Hermey the Elf did to the Abominable Snowman? Worst. Message. Ever.
... - paynbow - Dec. 16th, 2004 01:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 16th, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 16th, 2004 10:13 am (UTC)
icon love!!!
Dec. 16th, 2004 12:11 pm (UTC)
That is the result of the kids going to bed early... I just feel bad that I made Vinnie's glasses all wonky.

Cropping and adding text is very time consuming... *cough* Boredom...
... - paynbow - Dec. 16th, 2004 01:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 16th, 2004 01:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 16th, 2004 11:53 am (UTC)
I have the worst urge to word-search all my fics now.

I've heard tales of the motor oil and peanut butter fics, but I've never encountered them personally. I think my pet lube peeve is the use of wine or champagne, which, sure, sounds real romantic, except ALCOHOL STINGY! And not real slippery.

I'd just as soon never mention lube. I'm happy just to assume it's there. I've tended to feel like I have to go into detail because I've seen people complain if things aren't all written out (I wonder if they assume the human characters never use the bathroom? Because that's rarely described in detail). I'm heading in the direction of just including little snippets of sex scenes. If not switching to gen plot-fic altogether.

I would enjoy watching you kick rich bitch ass. Please post video.
Dec. 16th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
My posts are being eaten. I replied to this HOURS ago.

Summary from what I can recall (it was brilliant, I tells ya...)
1) your fic is awesome. I love your words.
2) OWWWCCHHHuh! Alcohol is an astringent, folks!! People always wince in movies when they pour it over wounds, so DUH.
3) I don't read often about Buffy or whomever taking a long time with a really special shit, so why do I need to hear about the minutia of a sex scene? YOU ARE TAKING ME OUT OF THE HOT!
4) Leaking just sounds sickly to me. I don't want no sick dick.
5) Film at 11.
Dec. 16th, 2004 12:04 pm (UTC)
That icon is crazy. I love it.

Your porn rant pretty much explains why I don't read as much fic as I would like. Bad descriptions ruin stories. Fuck you, bad writers.

And what the fuck is up with rich people who can't think of better things to do with their money other than killing animals to look "fashionable"? "Look at my baby seal parka. Don't you just love the bunny fur lining in my gloves? I paid sooo much money for these diamond encrusted elephant toenail rings." Goddamn. My inner hippie is trying to come out. Must eat beef. Mmm, chili.
Dec. 16th, 2004 12:12 pm (UTC)

I am so happy by the Rupert icon that I could forgive all...
Dec. 16th, 2004 12:31 pm (UTC)
I imagine I'm the last person you expected to comment on this post, but I had a few thoughts.

First off, re: weird lube products.
Like you wrote, readers have imaginations. That's why we read. Too many details become monotonous (and some times confusing).

Secondly, re: furs and ivory and purse dogs, oh my!
I'm well acquainted with the women going to Wal-mart in their full length furs. These are the most haughty women, I've ever seen. Sue has a story I can't remember about these women at a grocery store (I think it's funny). You'll have to ask her about it.

Maybe that's a southern thing?

I don't understand how you get the dog to stay in the purse. I put Max in Sue's purse, but he immediately jumped out. Maybe I'll shove him in a backpack and go jogging.
Dec. 16th, 2004 12:38 pm (UTC)
Ha ha ha! Max in a backpack... Purse dogs are typically shivery chihuahuas and silky terriers, so Max doesn't count: he's a hound dog. I'll take "working" dogs over the toy group ANY day. (Like, over 75 pounds with their nose to the ground).

I think a good writer knows how to show a little leg and leave the rest to the audience's imagination. What ruins a good movie? Showing the monster too soon, making you think a scene is going to be HAWT and you think to yourself, meh.

Oh, well.
Dec. 16th, 2004 01:06 pm (UTC)
Stupid, stupid LJ
If this doesn't work this time, I'm going to... well, probably go make a cup of tea, calm down and try again later.

I tried to say about five times already that I'm shocked that you think my fics are so bad.

Actually, I'm still very uncomfortable about writing smut. Could you tell? I'm not talking about the kinks, coz to me that's just playing around.

You'll hopefully never find a leaking cock on my fics (and doesn't that just sound so wrong).

I'm a fan of BYOS - your imagination is so much better. I want emotions and camera angles and stage directions, not minute physical descriptions.

My pet peeve is "cold, dead seed" - does friction and conductive heat really have no effect? I thought vamps were likely to be room temprature anyway rather than walking fridges?

I'm going to continue using lube in my fics. Otherwise, ouch! But I don't see the need to know the flavour, fragrance and texture.

Also, I'm in favour of Miss Rich Bitch getting her ivory bangles. So long as she's willing to go get the ivory herself. Saying that, she's probably so insensitive it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr. I hate stupid rich selfish people.

But I <3 you.
Dec. 16th, 2004 01:14 pm (UTC)
Re: Stupid, stupid LJ
I know!! I have to post multiple times, too?!

Now, listen up, missy. I love everything of yours. LOVE IT. you are terrific at creating a world and letting me peek in on it, but letting me walk around and pick stuff up, too. So don't you worry. Uhg to the walking refrigerator, too. And room temperature in LA has to be pretty balmy compared to the UK, right? *eg*

I have no problem with grabbing a tube of lube in a fic. I hate the need to MAKE IT OBVIOUS that there is lube, and more that it's something "kinky." Bleh. It's like one or two writers did this, and it was something fresh, and now everyone thinks they have to write it. Get on to the good stuff, you know? Any sex scene (with the exception of my first slash scene, because I don't have a cock) has been based on a real life experience so it doesn't come off false. That may have just been too much information. I have a hard time telling these days...

I am tempted to write in to the editor and cut and paste everyone's response to her. Her Manolo Blahniks would sink in the savannah, I'm afraid...

I <3 you TOO!!!! (I'm listening to your Christmas CD right now and feeling festive.)
... - mirasol - Dec. 16th, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 16th, 2004 01:31 pm (UTC)
Bwah ha ha!! You have now made me think of lots of words I hate and am going to tack them up top....

*washes hands and eye balls*
... - mirasol - Dec. 16th, 2004 01:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 16th, 2004 01:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 16th, 2004 02:28 pm (UTC)
I hope no one ever sticks their tongue out at someone again. I have never seen anyone off the playground doing this ever, and it bugs me when older people in stories do it.

Well, if I wrote it then I meant them to be childish. Honestly can't remember.

However, I poke my tongue out often. I have a habit of unknowingly sticking my tongue out just a little when concentrating (which is most of the time). I get interupted with "you're sticking your tongue out".

Always gets them a full tongue poking.

BTW, did I mention that (emotionally) I'm 12?
Dec. 16th, 2004 02:37 pm (UTC)
See, this is why posts like this exist: to figure out if you are alone in the world, you know?

I do the same with my tongue when concentrating, and I mouth along with people when they speak, too. I'm referring to fics (and I've read a LOT of them) that have grown ups (meaning, older than 18) sticking their tongue out at someone. Like, often. More than once in a fic. Sarcastic tongue poking? I can buy. Once. Someone having Buffy (or Joyce - yes, JOYCE, or Xander, or...) constantly sticking their tongue out at Spike (it's ALWAYS Spike) and then having Spike say he wants to suck it. Just fucking jam your tongue down her throat, alright?

Talking about specific things, not you. I loves ya, behbeh.
... - mirasol - Dec. 16th, 2004 02:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 16th, 2004 08:19 pm (UTC)
*runs in late, breathless, chest heaving, bodice asunder, squeeing uncontrollably at icon like whoa*

When I hear about the blue of Spike's eyes, (azure, sea, old jeans, whatever) I have triggers in my brain that subconsciously flash an image connected to my life's experiences.
My favorite is cerulean. It makes me think of Crayolas. And of course it doesn't need to be said, but, I con-fucking-cur! Allow me to share a few key excerpts from my very own beloved bad!fic:

Sighing as his shaft was caressed over and over again as his lover swallowed thirstily. He was left limp and relaxed on the bed, almost totally sated. Then he howled softly as the fading Mark on the inside of his thigh was lightly fingered then sharp fangs sank into the holes. His dick dribbled, spurting a teaspoon of cum.
But fast or slow, rough or soft he did love being encased in his pet's hot chocolate box. To feel those silky smooth walls caressing him, clenching around him so tight he could almost scream. Milking the cum right outta his cock with every stroke into the sweet ass.

No leaking cocks were harmed in the posting of this comment.
Dec. 16th, 2004 08:48 pm (UTC)
WOW. And with a straight face?? There is a better way to write that, and that person needs to pend the rest of their life finding it. Hot Chocolate Box? So not turning me on. Unless the object was to make me hate slash, then mission accomplished.

BTW, I made the icon after your comment yesterday with the intention of if being for you, me, and Sue. Take it away... (Sorry about your glasses turning out wonky. My skills aren't as good as
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user="spuzz">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

WOW. And with a straight face?? There is a better way to write that, and that person needs to pend the rest of their life finding it. Hot Chocolate Box? So not turning me on. Unless the object was to make me hate slash, then mission accomplished.

BTW, I made the icon after your comment yesterday with the intention of if being for you, me, and Sue. Take it away... (Sorry about your glasses turning out wonky. My skills aren't as good as <lj-user="spuzz">, I'm afraid.
Sorry to interupt, but... - mskakaako - Dec. 16th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 16th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC)
The icon has already been saved and uploaded, it cannot be taken away. Don't care about spectacles, it's us, I like it, deal. *raspberries you*
Dec. 16th, 2004 09:37 pm (UTC)
This is like the 3rd time I've tried posting this...grumble, freakin' grumble...
leaking as explained above = sounds like sick dick

Oh YES!!! It makes me all giggly when I see that. Or worst yet, when I see the word 'weeping'. I always think of you mocking it, going "BOOOHOO". Hah. It's baddirtywrong and not at all in the good way of being baddirtywrong.

Also, using peanut butter and motor oil as lube is gross and highly questionable. Have these people who write this stuff ever done the deed before? Isn't there any pharmacies in Sunnydale? In Spike's 100+ years of sexual know-how hasn't he discovered Astroglide™? I read a fic once that had them using butter. I was grossed out, man. I was like, "Ewwwwww! I cook with that!" Bleah.

Ha! One time my husband went into a running store looking for Bodyglide™, but he kept saying Astroglide™ instead. He couldn't figure out why they were giving him weird looks until he relayed the story back to me. Heheh. Dirty bird!

Also, that high society dumbass bitch needs to be slapped something silly. We saw the saddest thing when we were in Ho Chi Minh City. We went to this place where the president used to live and there were these three elephant legs. They were hollowed out stumps. There was a baby leg, mama leg and a papa elephant leg. So terrible! They were supposed to be vases or umbrella stands, I'm guessing. It was hideous and so sad.
Dec. 17th, 2004 01:22 am (UTC)
You are the coolest person ever. If I had a cock it so would be weeping right now, and by that I mean a rooster with an eye infection.
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( 49 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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