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I'm as shocked as you. GLEE-FIC [Gen]

So this happened during our comment fest last night.

Author: Stoney
Fandom: GLEE
Rating: PG
Summary: You know the chorus that sings during the show? They can hear that. At McKinley. (Short fic)
Disclaimer: This is fanfiction, no money, no ownership by me, yadda yadda.
A/N: This is a TOE DIP. It's been 2 years since I wrote fanfiction, omg.


~*~The Bumpers~*~


It started off with the weird little Seinfeld popping noises, the ones that played between scenes? In the biz they call it a bump. Old Lady Crenshaw, who had worked at McKinley since it opened back in the days of the Roman Empire, was slowly losing her mind. But at McKinley, no one really noticed. Old Lady Crenshaw was the person in charge of the loudspeakers at the school.

Sometimes she'd remember to hit the button that rang the bell to signal the end of class, and sometimes she... improvised. So, the Seinfeld bump would ring out over the school's loudspeakers. At first, all of the students (and some of the teachers) would laugh in disbelief. “What the hell?” would bounce off the lockers. Sometimes the bump would play during class. Or when kids were switching from second to third period, mid-way through the four minute break. It was something you just got used to.

One time during the Cheerios second Nationals practice, Crenshaw caused the top Cheerio on the pyramid to fall and break her femur. Those were her Carl Orff “Carmina Burana” days. She really got into that chorus number when the tympani went nutso. Sue Sylvester body checked every single student between the gymnasium doors and the front office, stormed in, and read Crenshaw the riot act.

“And if you so much as even hover your wrinkled, gnarled troll finger anywhere near that damn red button, Lady Life Alert, I'll bite it off and spit it down your dead cat's throat.”

Old Lady Crenshaw just smiled benignly and continued knitting. “That's nice, dear.”

Principal Figgins had to clothesline her to keep her from stabbing the poor woman in the eye with her own knitting needle. Crenshaw didn't notice, of course. And she promptly queued “O Fortuna” to blast at the end of sixth period.

One year for Christmas her grandson had given her a CD, “So You Want To Learn To Sing!” The track listing started with basic notes, then moved on to scales. Two or three women singing a clear and perfect “DOO doo doo doo doo doo doo doo DOO!” quickly and cleanly. The last tracks had a few women with some male voices added to the mix singing an oompah-oompah sort of scales, C, A, E, C, and so forth. A few scat-beats rounded out the disc.

Dave Karofsky was only a sophomore, but was already making a name for himself on the football field. He leaned against a table in the lunchroom, a crowd of admirers gathered around him. A girl brought him his daily cherry slushie from the 7-11 across the street when the loudspeakers suddenly went off.

“DOO doo doo doo doo doo doo doo DOO!”

Crenshaw must have cranked those speakers to 11. It was so unexpected and out of the blue, Dave jumped, spilling the slushie all over his white tee shirt. He saw red, and not just spreading all over his clothes. He crushed the foam cup in his hand and stalked out of the cafeteria, looking for blood. Some weird girl in a sweater with an appliqué kitty on it and Pegasus knee socks was walking briskly down the hall, her books clutched to her chest. She was smiling.

She was singing the damn scales.

The girl from the lunch room ran up to Karofsky, breathlessly sputtering an apology. She was trying to give him a new slushie. Without thinking or even making eye contact with her, he grabbed the drink from the girl's hand. His eyes were a laser beam on the idiot singing that damn music in front of him.

“HEY. You. Streisand!”

Rachel whipped her head to the side, thrilled beyond belief to have been called her idol. “Oh, thank you! I just love her! I just love this new music the school is playing, DOO doo doo-”

David flung the contents of his cup into her face. He was wet, sticky, cold, and angry. He knew he couldn't pound on some old lady's face, much as he would like to do so. And this little... thing, in her stupid clothes, with her stupid smile, singing that stupid music? She deserved to be as miserable as he was.

A few of the guys from the football team saw him fling the drink at the nerdy girl with the sparkle head band, saw her standing in the middle of the hallway, gaping in shock. They laughed, clapped Dave on the shoulder, and it was decided that it would be the new thing to do whenever they heard that shitty noise on the loudspeaker. The 7-11 across the street was about to get a lot of repeat business.

Eventually it got to the point where no one really heard that weird bump anymore, but it was always there, always in the background. Like a sleeper agent trigger.

The Glee kids never had a chance.

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Comments

( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
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flaming_muse
Jun. 3rd, 2011 02:02 pm (UTC)
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

I am also going to think of this fic EVERY SINGLE TIME I HEAR THAT MUSIC. It is my new Karofsky head!canon backstory.
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 02:08 pm (UTC)
HEE!!!!!! I am so glad!! I got the idea last night while flipping through all of my open tabs (I can't be the only one that hears the bumpers while reading glee fic?) and couldn't let it go. <3
beadattitude
Jun. 3rd, 2011 02:07 pm (UTC)
HEEE! Perfect!
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 02:08 pm (UTC)
FIST PUMP OF JOYNESS!
fabrisse
Jun. 3rd, 2011 02:25 pm (UTC)
Aah, Stoney, welcome to the dark side the world of Glee fic.
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 02:35 pm (UTC)
Why thank you! The canapes are fabu. ;)
mockingbirdq
Jun. 3rd, 2011 03:15 pm (UTC)
Love it! Write more Glee :)

Wow, you post a complaint about the lack of NC-17 fics in Glee fandom and I wake up this morning to more of them on the Glee coms then I've seen in months. You are influential obviously (okay, some are more of the R variety but still - anything over PG in Klaine is rather surprising ;)
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:42 pm (UTC)
OK, I'm already thinking out some Sue Sylvester fic. :D And thank you!

And guuuuurl, I've had deep fingers in fandom for 7+ years! That sounds really dirty. ;) Basically, I've got good friends.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
I did, I did! And I can ALWAYS count on you to get the references. Man, Karofsky fics, where are you?! (That don't make me cringe, that is.)

THANK YOU SUE. You are my favorite.
mpoetess
Jun. 3rd, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC)
*chortles hard*
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:42 pm (UTC)
HOORAY!
menomegirl
Jun. 3rd, 2011 04:40 pm (UTC)
The Glee kids never had a chance.

Hahahaha!

Awesome fun, sweetie.

stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:42 pm (UTC)
Yay! Thanks so much!
brunettepet
Jun. 3rd, 2011 04:50 pm (UTC)
This is awesome. Karofsky inventing Slushie-ing is now canon.

I am going to have that Seinfeld bumper running through my head all day.
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And ha, it's my Official Canon now, at the very least. *g*

I've been doing the pop-sigh thing all day, too. Ha.
mangofandango
Jun. 3rd, 2011 05:20 pm (UTC)
!!!!!

A+. :) I love you for writing Glee fic, omg.

Edited at 2011-06-03 05:20 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC)
HOORAY! Thank you!
chantal87
Jun. 3rd, 2011 06:26 pm (UTC)
I LOVE IT !!!

Finally people writing Glee fic I can read without cringing.
You make me happy L. <3
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC)
I love you!! And check the links I posted last night - holy CRAP I've found some treasure troves, honest and for true.
... - chantal87 - Jun. 3rd, 2011 11:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jun. 3rd, 2011 11:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
lostakasha
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:41 pm (UTC)
YOU GIVE ME REASON TO LIVE.
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 07:44 pm (UTC)
YOUR ICON (and praise) DOES THE SAME FOR ME.
secondalto
Jun. 3rd, 2011 11:55 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahahahaha. I love it.

Welcome to the Glee fandom. We have Kurt Hummel.
stoney321
Jun. 3rd, 2011 11:58 pm (UTC)
AND HE HAPPENS TO BE MY FAVORITE. Well, him and Brit. And Sue. And...

Also, THANK YOU!
luvxander
Jun. 4th, 2011 12:01 am (UTC)
OMG!! I love you right now, so much!!! I need to slushie someone!
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2011 12:02 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA, NOOOOOOOOO!! Lol.

Oh, how I love your Sue icon. And yes, I'm going to have to write Sue fic. (Is there a Sue comm or anything? Do people write her? Well, fuck it, I am, because I LOVE HER.)

<3
... - luvxander - Jun. 4th, 2011 12:08 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jun. 4th, 2011 12:24 am (UTC) - Expand
lynnenne
Jun. 4th, 2011 02:20 am (UTC)
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is made of awesome! And slushies.

“And if you so much as even hover your wrinkled, gnarled troll finger anywhere near that damn red button, Lady Life Alert, I'll bite it off and spit it down your dead cat's throat.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is so totally Sue. I love it.
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2011 02:36 am (UTC)
WHEE!! Aww, and I love you! Your icon makes me kinda love Mr. Schue... ;)
txvoodoo
Jun. 4th, 2011 03:43 am (UTC)
Oh, brava!
stoney321
Jun. 4th, 2011 02:47 pm (UTC)
Ha! *takes a bow* A pleasure, m'dear! <3
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( 36 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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