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First off, massive love to crazydiamondsue for her "Stoney Christmas" and "Aural Sue" cds! Woot! And I got a Hannukah card from vinvitveritas that is HYSTERICAL and I love it. Are you looking for things to read? Maybe something short and well written? SOmething that you can really sink your teeth into and can have the images play over and over in your head? Get thee hence to cityphonelines's journal and read her quick Fitb fic about Dru finder Xander in Africa. Holy crap, this girl is one of the best writers on LJ and NO ONE apparently knows about her because she doesn't write lots of smut. Seriously: she is one the best writers I have ever come across and her descriptions of things and people are unrivaled. Then come back and play here.

I had many children at my home over the weekend, and I need to unwind with some PORN! Or at the very least, some funny. Somebody come and play....

In your comment, fill out the answers (cut and paste if you like) and I'll make you a krazy kooky story! Whee! Caution: it may very well suck. I'll do my best.
1. Person
2. Other person
3. Job
4. Unusual (and unlikely that you'd ever have) it job
5. adjective
6. adjective
7. adverb
8. action verb
9. noun
10. color
11. holiday
12. activity pertaining to said holiday
13. exotic location
14. adjective
15. number
16. large ticket item (expensive purchase)
17. noun
18. person, not previously mentioned
19. action verb
20. salutation


( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 20th, 2004 10:30 am (UTC)
Heehee! I'm glad you liked the card. I couldn't stop giggling when I found it.

1. Rocky
2. Debbie
3. administrative assistant
4. late night graveyard security guard
5. sticky
6. rubbery
7. festively
8. run
9. bush
10. burnt sienna
11. Halloween
12. candy whoring
13. Costa Rica
14. lumpy
15. 169
16. Louis Vatton doggie bag
17. stain
18. Jim-Bob
19. kick
20. What it is, yo?!

Ok, this better not suck :)
Dec. 20th, 2004 04:12 pm (UTC)
Dude, this porbably WILL suck, but that's where you can point and mock.

Rocky had his ad-min, Debbie, bent over the desk and was pounding her from behind. What he didn't realize, while fantasizing about being a late night security guard "giving the business" to the hot chick working in the corner office was that Debbie was fantasizing about HER dream job: moving to Costa Rica with Jim-Bob and running a Halloween costume/fake purse shop, festively called "Rubbery Candy Whoring."

So while Rocky is hitting it from behind and getting Debbie all sticky in her bush, she's gritting her teeth on the lumpy desk and thinking that this is the 169th time that her boss will leave a stain on the paperwork that SHE'S going to have to clean off. Mentally she gives herself a kick and dreams of burnt sienna Louis Vuitton doggie bags for 15 dollars a pop.

Speaking of pop, it sounded like Rocky was getting ready to as he started talking "sex talk" to her in his pseudo homie speak. "Wanna know what that pressure is? Wanna know if it's Big Boss Man's" Come? WHAT IT IS, YO?"
Dec. 21st, 2004 11:28 am (UTC)
Rubbery Candy Whoring! Yes! This was the sexiest office porn ever!
Dec. 21st, 2004 11:48 am (UTC)
Hee! It even inspired the making of an office icon. "Ladies?" is CRACKING me up!!!
Dec. 21st, 2004 09:43 pm (UTC)
That's my Colbert. He's a man-whore but not really.

I have a Swingline Stapler at work. I hate it when people misplace it. Inconsiderate bastards. LOL.
Dec. 20th, 2004 02:32 pm (UTC)
1. Anya
2. crazydiamondsue
3. telephone operator
4. port-o-potty sanitation engineer
5. bland
6. crappy
7. intuitively
8. vomit
9. circle
10. silver
11. Flag Day
12. buying new flags
13. Broken Bow, Oklahoma
14. sleepy
15. 73
16. private jet
17. broom
18. stoney
19. hop
20. Well, hello there

Dec. 20th, 2004 04:54 pm (UTC)
next up in the crap-fest o' fun...
You call your favorite phone sex operator. "Well hello there, baby, it's me, Crazydiamondsue! You having a crappy day and intuitively think to call your Silver Star from Broken Bow, Oklahoma? Who you wantin' me to be tonight?"

You vomit into the phone, "Anya. Always Anya." You try to cover up the sweat building on your brow as you imagine you and your Demon lover hopping onto your private jet, your Stewardess Stoney serving up bland yet expensive drinks, as you circle the Gulf of Mexico...

If only your job of buyer of new flags for Flag Day at Wal-Mart wasn't sp god-awful, you wouldn't need this release... Several times a day.

"Honey, you still with me? We're at 73 minutes and counting. Still this 'Anya' chick or you wanting something new? Just kidding. 'Hey, Xander....'"
Dec. 21st, 2004 06:45 am (UTC)
Re: next up in the crap-fest o' fun...
Hee Hee Hee.

Anya. Always Anya.

Very cute and fun. Just what I needed.
Dec. 21st, 2004 06:52 am (UTC)
<i>Anya. Always Anya.</i>
Do I know my friends, or what? *EG*
Dec. 20th, 2004 02:59 pm (UTC)
Oooh! I'm cold and bored!!! Hungry too!
1. Richard Greico
2. RuPaul
3. Door to door vacuum salesperson
4. fragrant
5. hideous
6. friendly
7. triumphantly
8. twirl
9. Hummer
10. avocado green circa '70s
11. Cinco De Mayo
12. drinking Don Julio tequila
13. Koh Phi Phi Ley
14. careless
15. 007
16. 1995 Roederer Cristal Rose Champagne
17. bling
18. Jessica Simpson
19. gawk
20. Howdy, Partner!

I'm rubbing my hands together like Mr. Burns 'cept I'm saying 'Ex-cre-ment...' Heh! You know I LOOOOVE YOU!!! *mwah*

Oooh, thanks for the rec! I'm always looking for interesting reads!!!

Dec. 20th, 2004 05:05 pm (UTC)
You want crap fic? I GOT YOUR CRAP FIC RIGHT HERE.
"Rods" was known for being the best cabaret/drag queen/blow hole in Vancouver. With it's avacado green (circa 1970) painted walls, fragrant man-sweat bathrooms, hideous, yet friendly clientelle, it was triumphantly in your face FABULOUS.

People who pulled up in Hummers were boo'd. This was a limo crowd. People like RuPaul loved to come here and buy a case of 1995 Roederer Cristal Rose champagne, while the queens mocked him - his show was CANCELED, fools. Hipsters drank Don Julio tequila, especially on Cinco de mayo when the best drag show of the year was held.

Young, waxed boys dressed like Jessica Simpson gawked at C class celebrities like Richard Grieco (was he gay? Come on. That hair? SOOO gay.) and door to door vacuum salespeople tried to cover their balding heads, go 007 with the drinks, and pretend their Timex watches were bling instead of the crap they really were.

Billy took a look around and felt like he was worshipping in Koh Phi Phi Ley, until a sexy Phillipino boy in a curled cowboy hat grabbed his crotch and cried, "Howdy, Partner!" Billy twirled with delight.

Wow. Sorry. I know you aren't into slash, but this is what came out...
Dec. 20th, 2004 05:32 pm (UTC)
*This* is Crap? Then, I looooooove CRAP!
Richard Grieco (was he gay? Come on. That hair? SOOO gay.)
Don't forget the eyebrows.

Wow. Sorry. I know you aren't into slash, but this is what came out...

Well...apparently I do! I love *your* slash! This is the best mad lib! You know it! You must have slaved over this one because it is triumphantly in your face FABULOUS!!!!! Oh yeah.

Dec. 20th, 2004 05:47 pm (UTC)
man, I must have done something right, because I just wrote this stuff straight through..

OH!! I got your card today! With the kewl bookmark and pendants, and YES I read. Does 'Highlights' count as reading?

You will get your own "My awesome flist gave me..." post.
Dec. 20th, 2004 07:06 pm (UTC)
I think I need a 'I Love Stoney' icon...
Does 'Highlights' count as reading?
Oh, fersure! It's the children's equivalent to The New Yorker or sumthin' similar.

OH!! I got your card today!
Yippee! It got there before Christmas! Hooray for everything!

You will get your own "My awesome flist gave me..." post.
I'm not sure what that means that I'll 'get my own', but I'm all tingly with anticipation. No joke. I'm such a dork.
Dec. 20th, 2004 03:02 pm (UTC)
1. Wesley
2. Mary Sue
3. Florist
4. Rectum stretcher
5. counterfeit
6. final
7. slowly
8. rub
9. tree
10. tartan
11. Valentines Day
12. gorging on chocolate
13. llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
14. expensive
15. 42
16. diamond encrusted toothbrush
17. endearment
18. Wilbur
19. levitate
20. Kneel before me, puny mortals!
Dec. 20th, 2004 05:21 pm (UTC)
Please don't leave my flist over this. It's been a long day.
Dear Lord, Wesley thought. He had read about the effects of ecstacy, most assuredly, yet READING about them and EXPERIENCING them firsthand were entirely different things. Slowly Wesley began to rub against the tree outside, marvelling at the rough texture of the bark. Every sensation felt like a crescendo of waves crashing over his body.

Across from the Hyperion was a Florist's shop. He marvelled at the beautiful scents invading his nostrils. We have flowers inside! He dashed into the lobby and grabbed an expensive looking vase and buried his nose in it and inhaled deeply. The damned things are a fake! A counterfeit! Wesley dashed the vase to the floor.

Gunn walked by with a box of chocolates, sent as an endearment by a satisfied client. He didn't seem bothered by the Valentine's packaging even though it was August. Welsey practically knocked him over in his haste to taste the confection and gorged on the chocolate.

"God, this tastes divine. Gunn, come with me. I want to try something and I need a strong set of hands." Gunn shrugged and follwed his boss upstairs. When they arrived at Wesley's room, Gunn plopped down on a chair while Wes began stripping. "Hey, man, I'm all about the research, but you getting buck nekkid is the final-"

"Shhh! I started something years ago with my lover, Mary Sue, and this is the PERFECT time to finish it." Wesley came from behind the door and was dressed in nothing but a tartan in his mother's family's colors. "You know, the amount of cloth required to make a true kilt is enormous, which is why authentic ones are so expensive. Not as expensive as, say... a diamond encrusted toothbrush, but worth quite a lot, let me tell you."

Wesley threw himself on the foor, prone, and handed Gunn what suspiciously looked like salad tongs. "Gunn, I want you to insert this-" "Aw, HELL no!" "- and stretch out my rectum. It's mystical and will allow me to levitate and reach a higher plane. I'm sorry, did you say no?"

Gunn ran out of the room and stormed downstairs. Wesley grabbed the implement, inserted it, felt a rush of pleasure course through his body and ran down the 42 steps to Angel's office where a portal to llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch opened. A demon named Wilbur walked through, saw the crazed, drooling man in a tartan with magic salad tongs in his butt, and knew he had found his gate keeper. "Kneel before me, puny mortals!"
Dec. 20th, 2004 11:44 pm (UTC)
Re: Please don't leave my flist over this. It's been a long day.
I said God Damn...
God Damn!

Why would you think that I'd leave your flist?

To even think of doing that I'd have to stop doing the impression of an expiring turtle.

I am so glad that I went with diamond encrusted toothbrush - it wasn't the first thing that popped into my head, but I didn't want to lower the tone of your piece. What's that you say? I'd already put down rectum stretcher...
Dec. 21st, 2004 06:54 am (UTC)
expiring turtles? NOOOOO!

*gives turtle mouth to mouth, realizes it's only you making faces, gets up embarassed but slightly turned on*

Thanks for not lowering the tone of my piece. Ha ha ha!!!
*hugs you, feeds you miracle, no-fat, all the taste egg nog*
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 20th, 2004 05:45 pm (UTC)
I've missed you too, and I hope your baby is feeling better!! I'll try and not make this TOO bad. This is just silliness to keep me from going loco after a blustery and loud day...
It was the 19th straight day of ice and snow, which was weird because they lived in Sunnydale, California. Giles was working on tracking down the mystical reason for the weather while the remaining Scoobies were holed up in their respective houses. Well, except for Spike.

Buffy had tried to tell him that he was impervious to the cold (wasn't he, like, a walking popcicle or something?) but he insisted on staying. And to be honest, after two weeks of fiery sex (Dawn was trapped with Anya at Xan's place and having a ball, according to the phone calls), she felt limp and dreamy... It was like being lazy on Labor Day without the coconut stink of the people sharing the beach.

The sky was silver with the combo of snow clouds and weak sunshine, and she couldn't imagine being anywhere. Except maybe Queens, Australia where the beach was warm and empty. But then, Spike had no tan for a reason...

"Wanna play a game?" Spike opened an eye and saw her straddling his waist and a gleam in her eye. "How about we play naughty hooker with a heart of gold and you are my brave and dashing lawyer who falls for me?"

"How's about we play I'm emperor and you bow before me and do my bidding?"

Buffy folded her arms across her chest and retorted, "or, we could play that you are a bum out in the cold whom I don't see and so I unfortunately drive over you with my car, but the ice and snow are preventing the emergency helicopter from rescuing you?"

They both jumped up at the door opening and a bouncy Dawn walking in, "Hi, cutie! Giles figure out what the.. What the?"
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 20th, 2004 07:28 pm (UTC)
Oh, that's nothing. Mine were being so rambunctious that I told them I would take back all of the Christmas presents and we would all stay in our rooms if they didn't stop. WOW.

I tried to keep it as clean as possible, but it's Spike and Buffy. And they must have their clothes off if they are together, right?? ;-)

*hugs you and kisses ninas on heads*
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 20th, 2004 06:02 pm (UTC)
<-- not trying to pick up your husband - I have this at home, mm'kay?
Now, everybody knew that Sue loved her some Elcazavampiros (Caza for short, but "Oh, GOD!!" for long if you know whutimean). Scrubbed clean he could pass for a lean Xander. If Xander had a goatee. And was more spunky. And supple, because Lord, could the man bend. If you know what I mean. Some even said he was a poor woman's Jude Law.

Sue loved that he respected her secret ambition to be a traveling balladeer, if only she could make money by touring malls and singing from the "Jesus Christ Superstar" playbook. Sue also loved her man because he was smart. A modern language professor, and if you saw how Jamie Lee Curtis reacted to John Cleese's Russian, then you can imagine their Friday nights. She rigorously rode her man into the ottoman in their terra cotta living room (all that, and the man will paint a room? Goldurnit!) until the lights of the candles burned into her retinas with their incandescent light.

When you've been married for as many years as Sue and her love monkey, you gotta introduce a little play. She searched high and low for the right "costume" to make their 'Friday Night' a bit more... MORE. Dressed in beautiful jade green and fucsia silk straight from Bali, she lit candles and placed fresh flowers in the knick-knack she picked up at the 5 and dime. It was a cheap-o version of a jade monkey with peridot eyes. The house was lit up like Chinese New Year, and she practiced the lantern dance that would later turn into something more seductive.

Caza came home from work, wondering why he got a message to memorize words in Chinese: faster, here, bend over, do my bidding, gentle flower, lotus petal. Sue had done her hair up with an ebony pick, a jewel hanging off of it, and white makeup. Her tiny feet fit perfectly into her shoes and she shuffled to her lover. She plucked her fan from the sideboard, gave it a flick, and fluttered it. "Oh, missah Caza. I don't believe I've had the pleasure?"
Dec. 20th, 2004 06:58 pm (UTC)
Re: <-- not trying to pick up your husband - I have this at home, mm'kay?
Hijacking this thread...

Mr. Stoney is quite the looker. MmmmHhmmm.
You have the purtiest icons!
::grins and waggles eyebrows::
Dec. 20th, 2004 07:03 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!! I love heeem. Caza's cute and smart and all, but he's Sue's. THIS one is miiiiiine. I'll let him know the cute chick from Vancouver that I thought about leaving him for said you were teh hawt.

*grins back*
Dec. 20th, 2004 07:08 pm (UTC)
I'll let him know the cute chick from Vancouver that I thought about leaving him for said you were teh hawt.

Yes, yes! Please do! :D
Dec. 21st, 2004 04:22 pm (UTC)
Cute chick from Vancouver...oh wait...not me *g*

Mr Stoney IS teh Hot! Way to score!
Dec. 21st, 2004 04:25 pm (UTC)
I know. He's SO lucky to have me, right? Ha ha ha!

I have three Vancouverites on my flist, and you are all as different as night and day, and... another night. One thing in common? Your worship of ME. Ha! I'm a loser who needs some building up. Work with me.
Dec. 21st, 2004 05:19 pm (UTC)
Another Best. Icon. Ever!
He IS lucky to have you!


We worship at the alter that is stoney...
We bow down to her greatness...
We are blinded by her beautiful, shiny hair...
We are amazed by her funnies...



Go Vancouver! Vancouverites rule! *g*
Dec. 21st, 2004 10:05 pm (UTC)
Heee...I just pimped you at wisteria_'s Pimp Everyone Else Post. I couldn't help it.

Now, you're going to be a BNF. Now EVERYONE will worship you.
I don't know if that's a good or not. I'm selfish. Teehee.
Dec. 22nd, 2004 01:07 am (UTC)
you are such a stinker.

Dec. 21st, 2004 10:02 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes! Vancouver is filled to the brim with cute chicks!

Hello, fellow Vancouverite cute chick! :)

Heehee...my head is like this ::holds arms out:: big. Uh huh.
Dec. 22nd, 2004 01:58 am (UTC)
Vancouver is filled with cute chicks! Hey fellow cute chick *g* btw, love the icon!
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 21st, 2004 07:00 am (UTC)
Hey, it's legal in NZ now, right?
But Sue, I AM your bitch, so it makes perfect sense to me. Right, Vin?
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 21st, 2004 06:57 am (UTC)
Oh.. My ... God.
We DO need that picture!! For some reason, I didn't see this comment in my email...

Like I said to Caza, "I know my friends."

*slides you catalogue from World Market - cheap and attractive ottomans*

YOU HAVE FEET OF WEE!(ness) I love your teeny, girly feet. I will snap a pic of Missah Stoney in his Fargo cap (he put it on and cried out in his best Mid-Western Asian voice: Oh, Gee, Margie, I'm so lonely! and made me wet my pants a little.)
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 20th, 2004 05:44 pm (UTC)
Ok, first: You made my eyes leak again! I love you. Also, you're makin' my ego go through the roof!

1. Xander
2. Angel
3. Cocktail waitress
4. Travel Brochure writer
5. Coarse
6. Vulgar
7. Shakily
8. Snore
9. Fast food wrapper
10. Purple
11. Martin Luther King Day
12. Sleeping in (no school)
13. Mazatlan, Mexico
14. Dull
15. 303
16. Plum colored Rolls Royce
17. Roller coaster
18. Richard Gere
19. Purge
20. What's poppin'?
Dec. 20th, 2004 07:25 pm (UTC)
But it's twuu, it's twuu. Oh, and GIP.
Of all the places Xander had traveled to in order to find a Slayer, Mazatlan, Mexico was the hottest. After living in Africa for several years, that was saying something. The town was dull, vulgar, and smelled of desperation. He had been watching her in the dilapidated bar for a few hours, trying to guage the best way to win her trust. After getting a spear in the thigh in Africa from a misplaced hand, he learned to study them before he approached.

He scribbled a quick note onto a fast food wrapper, checked his rudimentary Spanish, and passed it to the cocktail waitress and indicated for her to open it. "Perdone me, seniorita, me nombre es Xander..." she looked up at him with a tired look of the world weary. Pretty impressive for a 15 year old. She wadded up the note and tossed it over her shoulder. He sat in the dark room, rubbing his hands over the coarse tabletop and planned out his next move.

"what you want is to let her know who the jefe is." Xander looked up to see Angel leaning back in the booth, purple silk shirt STILL not looking out of place on the stylish vampire.

"You know, I ate a travel brochure writer once. She was impressed with my knowledge of Italian sculpture. Musta gotten SOMETHING from her..." And with those last words, Angel grabbed the crumpled note from the floor and then held out his other hand. Xander shakily dropped the pen into it.

"So, uh, this is a surprise. Not really a pleasant one, because I still get that 'ouchy' when I rub my head from you hitting me. Why are you here?"

"Giles sent me. Apparently Willow got a vibe that something bad was going to happen here, and thought you could use some muscle. Come on. Gotta place down the road."

Xander ignored the roller-coasting "whoopsie" feeling in his gut and followed Angel out the door to his black-tinted car.

"A Rolls Royce? Are you KIDDING? We'll be shot and drug out into the desert for the hood ornament alone! And purple? What are you, Prince? Little too tall, dude."

Angel looked back at him, never breaking stride, neatly stepping over the snoring man sprawled in the dusty road. "Vampire. Check out the license plate. Been here a few time, Vato."

Xander craned his neck to see the vanity plates. They read, "L Vmpiro." On the side of the car were white stamps of dead bodies. Xander lost count at 303.

"Consider that our insurance to get from Point A to Point B alive. Now then, we have a bit to drive. Wanna play Richard Gere?"

Xander felt his previously clenched buttocks give with a burst.

Angel looked confused. "What's poppin'?"
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 21st, 2004 01:17 pm (UTC)
Re: But it's twuu, it's twuu. Oh, and GIP.
I'll totally share if it gets up more Xangel in Meheeko.
Dec. 21st, 2004 01:18 pm (UTC)
Re: But it's twuu, it's twuu. Oh, and GIP.
Note the subconscience 'get up', which of course should have been 'get us'.
Dec. 21st, 2004 01:16 pm (UTC)
Re: But it's twuu, it's twuu. Oh, and GIP.
That? Rocked the house! I love your Angel (my Angel? our Angel? Whatta ho!) and the Rolls and the shirt and the licence plate? Hooo Lawdy!

After getting a spear in the thigh in Africa from a misplaced hand, he learned to study them before he approached.
Well at least my boy has learned some lessons.

A Rolls Royce? Are you KIDDING? We'll be shot and drug out into the desert for the hood ornament alone! And purple?

Hey, um... so you wanna make this into a series *nudge*nudge*
Dec. 21st, 2004 01:29 pm (UTC)
Re: But it's twuu, it's twuu. Oh, and GIP.
you liked it? you know I'm gonna have to write the obligatory "cheap, dusty hotel room" scene, right? I mean, Sue wrote more Rodeo, and it got me thinking about Twitchy yet more mature Xander and Hot and angsty Angel. Just saying.

Maybe I'll write it when my devout mother In Law is here and I can show her what I've been working on! Maybe THAT will warrant a mention in the family X-mas letter. Goodness knows marrying her son and bearing her grandchildren didn't... Um, we were talking about Vampire porn, right?

OMG I'm liek toaly gona make em doit!
Dec. 21st, 2004 04:19 pm (UTC)
Alrighty...here we go... *g*

1. Bill
2. Phil
3. painter
4. interpretive dancer
5. mushy
6. fluffy
7. hastily
8. kick
9. pen
10. mustard-yellow
11. Arbour Day
12. looking at trees
13. Spuzzum (what? It's a real place...)
14. floral
15. 42
16. private jet
17. key
18. Lil
19. cook
20. Salut!
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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