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Here's the next bit of the Sound of Music warping. Because I am all shades of wrong. I've decided to make a name for my forcing Angel and Buffy characters to do my bidding. It'll be like the days of Shakespeare and Theater in the Round, but less noble. And talented. But the same actors being shuffled around beccause the audience liked so and so. See? I just made a base argument for AU Jossverse with Shakespeare, but because I'm jittery on lots of coffee and no food it comes out wrong.

Things that make me laugh: 1) MPreg, because are you kidding me? 2) Spike all soft and girly because did you NOT watch the show? 3) Chicks with dicks (I like manly gay men, personally), and 4) fart jokes. On with the show! Previous part here, and what started this all was the Gone With The Wind re-telling with Angel as Scarlett O'Hara.


The Sound of Sucking, Part Two

Cast of Characters:
Adults
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraeder -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah

The Children - Character Names introduced further on
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem

Rolf - Faith


[Setting]
We have a montage of moments with the children and Spikina singing and frolicking in their dresses made from tea towels. Spikina insisted that the boys needed "breathing room" and so their new play clothes are more loincloths than anything else.

As they ride in a carriage and confess to Fraulein Spikina that none of them know how to sing, Fraulein makes a most unusual face whereby she places her tongue behind her teeth and smirks at the children. She picks up her guitar (that is never far from her nimble fingers) and begins to play a few notes.

(Sings:)
The first thing to sing is ‘Val-er-ie'

(Children, looking nervously at one another:)
Val-er-ie

(Spikina, singing up the scale:)
Val-er-ie-but-I-wrote-Good-bye!

Oz squints and replies, "Dude. Enough of the GoTR stuff. It's not like I'm always harping on the Dingoes. ‘Cause we kinda sucked."

Spikina replies, "Fair enough. I want all of you children to learn how to behave in proper society, as your father is bringing back the Baroness Cordelia to become your new mother."

The children eye each other with trepidation.

"I'll teach you to put on a hand puppet program to woo her and make her not shove you in the oven."

"Fraulein Spikina, will we play hand puppets like you taught me last night?"

"No, my precious Xandl. This is a different way with strings and choreography and will have real production value."

Weslich becomes jealous of this special hand puppet game his big sister knows and buries his head back in the crotch of his governess. His sobs have an odd slurping quality. Fraulein Spikina is a considerate person, and throws a lap blanket over him to hide his, um, salty white tears from the other children.

They arrive home and frolic and play the eskimo way, that is, in close quarters to keep warm, but then they become so warm they must doff their hot, form-fitting tea cloths. The sound of under-arm farting means Captain Vis Clap is home, so they all rush to stand before him and receive disapproving stares. No one has remembered they were playing eskimo and all the children are naked.

"FRAULEIN! What is the meaning of this? Children, get your proper clothes on and march about breathing deeply AT ONCE. Fraulein, a word."

Angel steps off to the side, Spikina joins him.

"What happened to the threat of me beating you into oblivion, until the flesh hangs off your bones, of me ramming my hard, incredibly average penis into your prepared poop-chute until you beg for mercy, or for a reach around, or for a full mouthed, wet, slow, tongue sliding on your teeth, hot moans into my open mouth, cock rubbing against cock... What happened to my surly, angry, deformed children?"

"I'll tell you! Xandl is becoming a woman and needs a man to show her how! How to please herself when the inevitable happens: three times in one night isn't enough! And Weslich. He also needs a man to show him, not that you'd ever notice. He cries into my mouth every night, I mean my ear, and Dawnsa steals everything that isn't nailed down, but she gets on my nerves, so I call her sweet names then lock her in her room, because honestly, I couldn't stand to have her around longer than possible, and Oz! He just wants to be a man, but he's a werewolf, not that you'd even KNOW it! And little whatsername that took off that first day, and Drusilta is the oddest bir-"

"ENOUGH!" roars Angel. He grabs Spikina by the she-stick that is poking out in a most becoming manner and leads her to the stairs. "Pack your things and be gone at ONCE!"

Suddenly, the features on our angry, sullen Captain melt into peace as he hears the sounds coming from the ballroom. The children...are singing?

(Children Singing, but not Oz because he's too cool to perform on demand:)
High on his horse, Cap'n Angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl ay hee hoo
Loud was the sigh, ev-er-y-one had heard
Lay odl ay odl oo

(Weslich and Spikina sing a duet:)
Men in the midst of menage a'tois heard
Lay odl ay odl ay hmm hmm
Men drinking booze from a great big stein heard
Lay odl ay odl oo

(Spikina has a solo:)
One pretty vamp in a black leather coat heard
Lay odl ay odl ay oo hoo
He yodeled back to his angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl oo.

(All, Children answering Spikina's yodel:)
Odl ay ee, (odl ay ee)
Odl ay hee hee (odl ay hee hee)
Odl ay HEE! (Odl ay HEE!)
Odl ay HEE HEE! (Odl ay HEE HEE!)

O ho ho lady odl ay O, ho ho lady odl ay
O ho ho lady odl ay O, lady odl ay O lay WHEE!

(Drusilla:)
Hums nonsense off-key, wanders outside and pokes out the eyes of a duck.

The Baroness Cordelia is sitting slack jawed, eyes searching for a quick exit.

"Um, Angel? I know you have lots of money or whatever, but..." she gestures with her chin, eyes wide and disbelieving, then back to Angel, "nuh uh."

Cap'n Vis Clap ignores her and runs to the children, tripping over a bird cage filled with dead frogs and fish, he giggles to himself, "Oh, Drusilta. You remind me of your mother. She was bat-shit crazy, too."

The children pile on their dad as Angel laughs at the overeagerness of his son Weslich getting his skin as cloooose to dad as possible and rubbing up and down.

Giles VonRipper walks in clapping. "Excellent. I shall market you as the ‘Family of Freaks Who Sing' and make a fortune! You are performing tomorrow. Angel, throw a lavish party, invite heads of state, and make your children perform to the delight of the crowd, which will end in a completely unprepared, yet perfectly harmonized ‘good-bye' from said crowd."

Baroness Cordelia perks up at the prospect of a party, "Oh my gosh, I only brought five gowns to wear! I need to find the one that accentuates my boobs the best."

While the Baroness wanders off discussing lighting and cleavage, Angels takes this moment to speak to Spikina.

"Fraulein, I had completely forgotten that I had responsibilities as a father to these children aside from just feeding and sheltering them. Please don't leave."

"Oh, Captain! Love them, love them all! Love me! Meep!"

Angel sees Spikina is a whole new light. First off, Spikina is still naked. And happy. Very happy, apparently. Second, the governess was able to draw out the children and force them to please others and do their bidding, always appealing to a dominating parent... Yes, Spikina should stay.

Spinkina is afraid of these feelings coursing through her, making her female "that isn't a penis, is it?" hard and trembly. With hands to her cheeks (ouch! They cut like a knife!) She dashes upstairs to sort through her feelings, and to get some goddamn clothes on, for hell's sake.

Baroness Cordelia watches from the great hall and sees her chance at lots of money (well, more because she already has, like, loads and stuff) slipping away. She links her arm with Giles VonRipper and leads him to over to Angel.

"Darling, we need to make arrangements for this fabulous party where you will see me in a perfect outfit, accentuating my ridiculously beautiful decolletage and tiny waist, fall madly in love with me and marry me on the spot. Then we'll pack off these freaks, um, your children to boarding school and I'll begin to shop in earnest."

Angel is still watching Spikina walk slowly to her room to get dressed, hips swaying, female penis swinging (my Lord, that thing is huge!) and hasn't really listened to the plans of the Baroness.

"Mmm, yes. Fine, fine. Giles, make it so."

~~~
Later that afternoon finds the Baroness brushing her luxurious mane of hair in her dressing room, talking out loud.

"And when I get rid of that bitch from this house, QUIT LOOKING AT ME, I'll have all that money to myself. Look, if you don't WANT to be here, you can just head off to your room."

Xandl stands and wipes the cinnamon scented dew from his cheeks when the Baroness slaps him and shoves him back down between her legs. "Sheayuh. Not likely. And use a finger or three for hell's sake. You're like, supposed to please your guests and stuff, so get to it.

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm going to buy a yacht, and a bunch of cars, and hire Tom Ford to design all my clothes, and unnn, yeah, juuust like th- oh GOD! Damn, you have long fingers. Now suck on it hard. Shhhhhi-! Mmmm. Maybe you I keep around..."

"I don't understand, Baroness. Why is your penis not here? You're a girl just like me."

"I didn't force you in here to talk. Now go get me a hot washcloth. And then get out. I have to get fabulous for a party."

~~~~
TBC

Comments

( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:00 am (UTC)
I am completely aware of the fact, and delight in others revealing that they are the same... WHEEE!!
lynnenne
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:51 am (UTC)
I laughed when Spike cut his hands on his cheekbones. That comparison ("cheeks like knife edges") always sounded gross to me, for just that reason. Yet so many fanfic writers use it! I love the way you mock.
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:01 am (UTC)
I know, right? I GET IT. The man has cheekbones you could hang off of with a grappling hook. Oh yeah, he has blue eyes, too. Did you know?

Hope you are feeling better, toots.
cityphonelines
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:13 am (UTC)
His eyes are blue?!?! Why, oh why, has no told me before? Spoiler!
cityphonelines
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:12 am (UTC)
(Drusilla:)
Hums nonsense off-key, wanders outside and pokes out the eyes of a duck.


That's m'Dru. Bless her.

And I love Baroness Cordelia in all her cinnamon (ewwwww!) scented dew glory. Oh, Xandl, the poor boy girl lad lass, um, the poor... dear?
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:48 am (UTC)
I'm trying to work in my fave lines from my Bad(GREAT!)fic writer to make this feel more HONEST. Ha ha ha ha!

And again with the dear, God, Vinnie! Your icon!! Laws.

I'm re-watching Bs2 and falling in love with Dru all over again.
cityphonelines
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:52 am (UTC)
I love all my new icons (see my last post for variations) but this one has my heart. Yes, I said 'heart'. What? sueworld2003 let me iconize on of her manips. Still can't decide on pics to iconize for you and Sue. It's tearing me aparttt!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:11 pm (UTC)
<-- this kept me from you. Guh.
My husband came on to me earlier. He offered me the good spot on the couch and Buffy DVDs all day.... I turned the phone off because my sister (not on line sis) kept bugging me on the phone wanting to bitch while I was making sweet love to my man. And by sweet love, I mean snacking on nibbles and watching yummy season 2 Xander and perfection in a female body Cordelia. And Angel!! With eyeliner!!!

*iz ded frum hotnesses*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC)
I wandered around the house laughing and trying to explain to Mr. Stoney why the Dru line was so funny. As result, he has watched the entire second season of Buffy today. My work here is done.

Wait! No it isn't.... More of the Vis Claps tomorrow.
(Deleted comment)
spikes_heart
Jan. 2nd, 2005 01:36 pm (UTC)
You do know I'm beginning to get embarrassed for myself, don't you? **kicks DVD to the back of the closet**
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC)
And why are you embarassed? (Sometimes I'm slow. Like now.)

*grabs your DVD and listens to it, forever changed in the subconscious of my sick little monkey mind*
mskakaako
Jan. 2nd, 2005 01:46 pm (UTC)
Giles VonRipper walks in clapping. "Excellent. I shall market you as the ‘Family of Freaks Who Sing' and make a fortune! You are performing tomorrow. Angel, throw a lavish party, invite heads of state, and make your children perform to the delight of the crowd, which will end in a completely unprepared, yet perfectly harmonized ‘good-bye' from said crowd."

Bwahahahahahah! It's true...it's all true. You're one sick puppy, Stoney. Aw...PUPPY!!!

Er...also, are you a closet GoTR fan? Are YOU?! Eep!
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:05 pm (UTC)
NO. I am NOT a GoTR fan. I love me some Spike, but I admit that I had to look up the GoTR stuff.

I want to dress Nicholas Brendan up in Liesl's dress, douse him with water and make him spin and cry, "WHEEEE!" just for me. And you.
mskakaako
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC)
NO. I am NOT a GoTR fan. I love me some Spike, but I admit that I had to look up the GoTR stuff.

Heheh! It was rhetorical! I must admit...I was curious at first, so I downloaded some of their songs. Er...then I quickly deleted them. Good thing he stuck with his day job.

I also love me some Spike. I am a Spike fan. JM, not so much. Therefore, you will never see me at a con...um, well...unless you were there! Heeehee!
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC)
my icon obeys your icon
Same here. Love love LOVE Spike, but JM ain't Spike.

I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF at the Gob, "everybody dance now." icon. Ha ha!! His suit with all the candy stuck to it... Good times.
greenstone_j
Jan. 2nd, 2005 03:03 pm (UTC)
GOTR....*dies some more* Oh dude, I'm crying me some salty white tears here too (but of laughter) *joins Weslich under the blanket* Childhood memories...please defile them some more!!!
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
*hands you eye condoms for those salty, white tears*

I'll defile them with the greatest of pleasure, m'dear.
likeadeuce
Jan. 2nd, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
oh my God -- Baroness Cordelia is just perfect and "Family of Singing Freaks"! Hee!

now, I'm curious. . .is there a particular reason Buffy's not involved in this? don't want to drag her down into all this muck, or planning an appearance in the grand finale?
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:10 pm (UTC)
I thought you would either HATE this, or laugh your ass off. Glad it was the latter.

I don't have Buffy here because of two reasons:
1)I love me some Buffy (unpopular, I know, but I. Love. Her.
2)in most of the fics that I am mocking, Buffy is always the bitch, or it's like she didn't exist. It's all about how to make Angel's dick accidentally on purpose slip into Spike's willing and wet vagina-like ass.

I'm into the slash to some degree, but an ass ain't no vagina. So, um, that's why Buffy isn't here. Can't degrade my slayer, I suppose.
likeadeuce
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
that's why I thought she wasn't there. and bless you for it. I have the buffylove. have I told you my theory that it's part of the "growing up Mormon" thing?

"Oh noble youth of LatterDays, preserved till now for birth/Your sacred mission was ordained before you came to earth." How many of those "you are the chosen few" lectures did we sit through? And how much did it SUCK ASS??? so whenever Buffy has her chosen-angst? I so get it.
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:19 pm (UTC)
I know, right? How weird to grow up in these modern times and be told "the end is nigh" and you will see it. I remember a huge thing in college in Utah is for people to compare wordings in their patriarchal blessings to see if they will be alive when Armegeddon comes.

Do you know how unbelievably popular Buffy is in Utah? It had a regular column in the DESERET. Not. Even. Joking.
likeadeuce
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:57 pm (UTC)
Zionist conspiracy theories
Buffy STILL has a regular column? veddy interesting. what was Joss raised, Catholic? I wonder if there are some closet ex-Mormons on the staff? (I would be un-surprised if Marti Noxon was; or one of the gay Drews? I mean, Eliza Dushku I know, but it's not like she writes the show; and I don't get the impression that she was raised strongly in the church -- her mom was the rebel.)

I never ran into that use of a patriarchal blessing -- although it is sad, revealing, and more. I did know -- or at least hear rumors of -- people whose PB's did not specifically say they would get married, and them freaking out over it.
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 09:16 pm (UTC)
I think they wrapped it up recently
I wouldn't be surprised if Joss was just well versed in Fundamentalism. The Mormons aren't that far off from other Zionist type religions, and Joss obviously has a fixation on the whole God/Religion thing.

You have no idea how lucky you are to have lived outside the iron fist of the Mormon church. I'm not being facetious. People take their PB literally and just accept it as prophesy. Women nod their head at the trouble heaped upon Joseph Smith NOT because of his 36 wives, most of whom were underaged, the others already married, but because Emma Smith didn't obey God's will and help her husband achieve a higher plane. WOW. It SOOOO ties in with so many themes in Jossverse, huh?
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 07:37 pm (UTC)
After the hysterical crying from laughter was over and I was attempting to come back down to workable sanity levels I read this and if I didn't love you before I do know.

But I did feel the wuv before so it's all teribbly redundant.
violethamster
Jan. 2nd, 2005 06:41 pm (UTC)
I will never eat cinnamon again *sob*. *adds to list on which 'juice' and 'soup' are already listed. It's the bad!fic diet!*

Spike all soft and girly because did you NOT watch the show?
Oh. My. God. Testify! Fics with Spike all girly (hell, girlier than any real girl I've ever met) make me and the baby Jesus cry. Even more than girly!Spike cries (and that's a lot).
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
I'm doing my best to help people achieve their New Years' resolutions, so the diet thing is a part of that. At least I didn't mention schnitzl with noodles. So you can eat that instead.

Why do people want Spike do be a girl? Why? He is so badass and tough and mean = sexy? Huh. My bad!fic is my therapy.
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 07:40 pm (UTC)
I can't even pick out my favourite bit because all of it had me laughing. You made Julie Andrews do a Spike sex smirk in my brain. Ewww!.

And the saddest thing is that I've seen the movie so many millions of times it's truly frightening seeing it like this because you've got it down perfectly but oh my god the hysterical funny wrongness of it all. *sighs and looks and you with much eyelash fluttering*
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC)
You made Julie Andrews do a Spike sex smirk in my brain
That may be the best compliment of any I have ever recieved.

*scoots over and pats next to me on the sofa, hides ruffies to spike your drink*

Has anyone ever told you that you were animerotic?
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 08:41 pm (UTC)
Julie Andrews is not just a dirty dirty woman. Who for some reason keeps trying to break into GoTR songs much to everyone's horror.

Has anyone ever told you that you were animerotic?

Are you implying that I have excess body hair and a funky smell? *throws feces at you*
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 09:17 pm (UTC)
ABOSLUTELY NOT. I was referring to your hot pussy. And by pussy, I mean your cat.

That cat is RIDICULOUSLY WET. I mean, come on.
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
HA! I remember talking with an equally twisted boyfriend about how we were going to put out a magazine called 'Hot Cock and Pussy' and when you turned the page you saw a rooster and a kitten in little sweaters sitting on a hot water bottle. We were sad and thought it was hilarious.
paynbow
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:05 pm (UTC)
Hilarious enough to make me choke on the chips I'm eating! You owe me more chips *g*
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:43 pm (UTC)
Well, then, I just wont tell you about our sequel 'Hot Wet Pussy' - a bedraggled forlorn little kitten sitting in front of a heater or 'Hot Cock in Pussy' with a picture of a tabby kitty eating a plate of warmed chicken.

We spent about an hour coming up with these things. In a previous life I was a 14 year old boy.
paynbow
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:44 pm (UTC)
Bahahahahahaha!

See, that is quality humour! I'd buy that magazine!
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:07 pm (UTC)
I had a fantastic T-shirt a few years back with a pic of a vacuum and a hairdryer. Wait, it gets funny.

Hairdryer says: You suck.
Vacuum replies: Blow me.

I am sad, too. *cries on your shoulders and secretly looks down your blouse*
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:45 pm (UTC)
I have love for your t-shirt. Especially since it's white and your standing in a rain shower.

I've drawn happy faces on my boobs to cheer you up.

So should we flip a coin to see who gets to sue for sexual harrasment first?
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)
Sue? SUE??! No, no. Happy-faced boobs in a shower with the images of your magazine means I am fashioning a trophy with a buxom gal holding a svelte sheep to her lips in a fit of passion and putting
Dovil: Best Use of Boobs, 2005 in fancy script.
ex_dovil323
Jan. 2nd, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC)
*sniff* I'd like to think God, my agent, my entourage, my director, my beautiful cas tmates, oh and my family and friends, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, Name drop some famous actor, Name drop again, And Again, and lastly I'd like to thank myself, because without my stunning beauty and talent and my overwhelming ability to sleep with the right people and to kick the arses of the other contestants all the way over to loserville this shiny, shiny beautiful statue of a big-tits girl molesting livestock would not be mine. Good night and God bless. I love you alllll!
paynbow
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC)
"Oh, Drusilta. You remind me of your mother. She was bat-shit crazy, too."

I have no idea why, but this is my favorite line *g*

I am loving this story! The characterization, the rampent warped sexualtiy...genius I say!
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC)
Something about calling another person "Bat-shit crazy" that pleases me...

More tomorrow!
paynbow
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC)
Hooray for more tomorrow *g*

Bat-shit crazy is just about the best description I've ever heard for Dru...ever. *g*
viciouswishes
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
I think Baroness Cordelia is perhaps my favorite character.
stoney321
Jan. 2nd, 2005 10:53 pm (UTC)
I've been watching a lot of Season 2 Buffy. No one was as good a bitch as Cordy.

My Baroness looks FANFUCKINGTASTIC in diamonds. And smells (ahem) of cinnamon.
( 46 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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