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I would have had this up sooner, but a chat room lured me. LURED ME with it's talk of duck nipples and weasel sex, and Angel/Knox = OTP!! But not. At all.

So here is the next to last bit of your childhood gone forever. Earlier bits here at this spot, and here at yet another different spot. original "holy shit, she's wrong" stuff is here.


The Sound of Sucking, Part Three

Cast of Characters:
Adults
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraeder -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah

The Children
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem

Rolf - Faith

[Setting]
The house is filling up with guests for the ball. Spikina and the children are on the terrace watching the party guests eat fine food and dance. Weslich and Dawnsa are attempting to watlz to the music playing for the guests, but are having a hard time deciding who WON'T lead.

Oz leans against the edge of the terrace and makes a "pfft" sound. Xandl laughs, "Why don't you try to dance? Or are you afraid of women?"

Weslich makes a "meep!" and dives under the skirt of Spikina to shake the fear away. And is apparently embarassed by the white, salty tears that have coursed all the way to his chin after a few minutes of under-skirt shaking.

Oz retorts, "Only grown up men and pussies like Weslich are afraid of grown-up women."

A loud gulp is heard from the direction of Fraulein Spikina's skirts. With a large sigh, Spikina draws Weslich out from hiding. "Now, now children, if you are to be a part of society, you must learn to dance properly like ladies and gentlemen. Xandl? Let me show you how to waltz."

Xandl rockets to Spikina's ready arms and they begin to one-two-three, one-two-three in time to the music. Xandl draws nears to the Governess and whispers, "I've learned a few dance moves from our South American banker. The Forbidden Dance?"

Spikina whispers back, "meet me in my chambers at midnight."

A tap on her shoulder leaves her breathless. Mainly because she's a vampire and doesn't breathe. But also because she can sense (with her vampiric sonar for hot and willing dudes) that Captain Angel vis Clap is behind her.

"May I?"

Without a word, and with her mouth gaping like a trout, she allows Angel to lead her into a complicated series of hops, skips, and the hokey pokey. She dreams that the Captain knows the Abbey's version of the hokey pokey with other appendages to stick in and out...

A twirl, a twist, hands reaching, they move about the courtyard while the children watch, Weslich rubbing an itch, no doubt, on one of the columns as his Daddy twirls his best new friend, Fraulein Spikina. As Spikina twirls and spins in a circle, faster and faster, Angel leans over and pops the hem of her skirt up with his palms showing everyone her panties-

"I feel so free!"

Everyone tries to hide their eyes, except for brave, loyal Weslich who can't seem to tear his eyes away.

Angel grabs one of the flailing arms of the saucy governess and pulls her close. Their eyes lock with an audible click.

"Oh, are you all out here? I couldn't open the door until I remembered I had a key. You should have the groundsman oil this lock. Noisy bugger. Wouldn't you say, Baroness Cordelia?"

"I don't know, Giles!?! Angel, they are playing a lovely song, and I know you wouldn't want this dress to go to waste. Not to mention my hair and makeup that took hours to perfect and don't you look, um, domestic, Fraulein in your scrub wool smock. The two of you look divine out here dancing, by the way, and in case you couldn't tell, I'm being SARCASTIC. Come on, Angel."

Spikina holds her face in her hands, willing the blush to fade. "I.. I'll see to the children, Captain. We have a special surprise prepared for your guests. You know how you are a slave driver and want your children to ask how high when you tell them to jump?"

Giles VonRipper cuts into the conversation. "Actually, Fraulein, that would be me, but I am obviously the Captain's butt monkey, so feel free to blame him."

"Yes. And as my "butt monkey" as you put it, you will kindly shut up and move aside so I can take the Baroness' arm to dance with her?"

"Yeah, Giles. Move it or lose it."

The children and Spikina dash to the main entrance to perform a "good-night" number for the guest of the Captain, like the good little do-be's they are. Weslich is reminded that he doens't need to dab a little glitter on his cheeks before they hit the stairs and get the crowd's attention.

(All the children, with exception to Drusilta, who is wandering about, plucking the feathers from a songbird and muttering, "He loves me... He loves me not.:)

There's a sad little moaning from the girl in the hall
And there's bats in her belfry too
Our little sister's an absurb bird
Don't you know she's quite coo-coo (coo-coo, coo-coo)

Regretfully she's quite coo-coo
But you know that we are all coo-coo
We say goodbye coo-coo...
To you...

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good-bye

(Marta:)
I hate you all, I wish you all a blight
(and disappears again while the other children do a complicated jazz hands/rainbow hands dance move)

So long, farewell, au revoir, and audieu

(Weslich:)
Have sex, have sex, with you and you and you (points to attractive men in audience, leaves with a grand jete and a wink)

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen

(Xandl:)
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
Yes?
(Captain:)
No (kicks her up the stairs to the delight of the misogynistic crowd)

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

(Oz:)
(does a head nod and takes the stairs three at a time)

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

(Drusilta:)
I named all the stars the same name - there is great confusion in the heavens. I will drink your blood before the night is over... Miss Edith doesn't like your party.

So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good night

(Dawnsa:)
I wish you all would leave, get out, GET OUT!

(Slowly and more quietly)
(Clem:
)
The sun... has gone... to bed and so must I...

So long...farewell...auf Wiedersehen goodbye...
Goodbye...

(Spikina gathers up sleepy wittle Clem in her flesh braided cuteness and carries her up the stairs, singing for all it's worth)
Goodbye....
Goodbye....

(Guests:)
All RIGHT!

Baroness Cordelia sees a chance to nip this bitch in her not female pink bud while the guests are all wandering off discussing how weird it was that the Captain used his kids for cheap entertainment, and what was the DEAL with that weird girl who hurts things and hums? Weren't there supposed to be seven vis Clap children? Huh.

Fraulein Spikina was changing out of her simple peasant dress (that accentuated her pert boobies, truth be told) into something suitable for the party.

"Here. Let me help you pick out something that won't make you look like the Ugly Truck drove over you. I know! Why don't you put on that potato sack you had on the other day when the Captain was checking out your PENIS."

"What?"

"Come on. One of us is a woman, and one of us is packing a thunder stick. Don't pretend you haven't noticed. The Captain certainly has."

"The Captain notices everything that sticks out, so long as it doesn't interfere with his brooding..."

"You know what's hilarious in that not even a little bit funny way? That he thinks he's in love with you. Well, let me tell you something Miss Yodel. You may think you're hot shit with the singing and puppet stuff, but when it comes to confused men no one can get them into bed faster than me. He may think he loves you with your whole Madonna thing, but they only want to turn the Madonna into their personal whore. If you leave right now, you may still be able to get back to the Abbey before they close up shop for the night."

Spikina is scandalized that her feelings for the Captain are obvious. She grabs her things, takes her guitar under an arm and dashes out of the house. The Baroness, it seems, is the winner.

"Just a quick change, then I'll let Angel know that we are to be married by the end of the week. Why am I always talking to myself? Oh yeah. Because I'm the bad guy."

~~
The party is in full swing when the Baroness begins her descent down the stairs. She hollers out in a sing-songy voice, "Oh, Captain vis Clap? Do you think we have an announcement?"

Baroness Cordelia has changed into a black two piece outfit bedecked and bedazzled. It is a two piece because her large protruding belly needs space to breathe. Bows slide across cello strings causing a discordant noise, guests gasp, and Angel looks up at his escort. Xandl (who has been peeking through the balustrade to catch a glimpse of the adults at their games) stands up in horror. "But... but I just tasted her cinnabon-bon. I couldn't have done that... Could I?"

A woman swoons and falls to the floor. Angel rushes to Cordelia's side. "What's going on? Where's Fraulein Spikina?"

"She had to bail. Something about these troglodytes you call kids. But forget about her." The Baroness begins rubbing her belly against Angel's thigh. "What about us? Remember me? The ACTUAL date?"

"Baroness - you - how did... I haven't?"

"What are you babbling about?"

Angel points to her very obvious and protruding belly.

"Oh! No, no. Hang on." Baroness Cordelia turns her head, puts a dainty hand to her mouth and gives a window shattering belch, that smells strangely of fish and vanilla. "‘Scuse me. Shall we?"

Shocked beyond words, Captain vis Clap takes her hand and is lead to a waltz among the murmuring guests. Far off in the hills, a lonely and limp Vampire/Nun/Songstress says goodbye to the family she has come to love.

~~~
TBC

Comments

( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
cityphonelines
Jan. 3rd, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
Dear lord, where do I start??
Their eyes lock with an audible click.

Thank you. I have no other words for that.

"Come on. One of us is a woman, and one of us is packing a thunder stick. Don't pretend you haven't noticed. The Captain certainly has."

Ok, first? Thunder stick?
*loves all over that, shuddup, y'know what I meant gutterbrain*

Wait... Fraulein Spikina's not really a girl?!? You mean that's not an enlarged, possibly tumorous, clitoris? Huh. Well, damn.

"Oh! No, no. Hang on." Baroness Cordelia turns her head, puts a dainty hand to her mouth and gives a window shattering belch, that smells strangely of fish and vanilla.

L'eau de Buffy Twat!! Oh and ewww!!! *scrunches nose, dry heaves*
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 05:59 am (UTC)
Re: Dear lord, where do I start??
Aw. I made you puke?? Crap. You were supposed to laugh your ass off.

I just need to stop.
mirasol
Jan. 3rd, 2005 06:36 pm (UTC)
duck nipples and weasel sex. Fine by me.

Angel/Knox=OTP? Not yours surely? I mean, I know you're into some strange things, but that's just sick. Sick, I tell you!

*feels your fevered brow*

Here, have some iced lemon tea and lie down whilst I check this fic out. Talk again soon.
hellespont
Jan. 3rd, 2005 08:32 pm (UTC)
It was me. We were trying to start a shipper war. Good for the economy, donchaknow.
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:00 am (UTC)
Yes, we were in a fevered state last night. Nagel/Knox is supposed to make you crazed and start a flame war.
*waits for flame war with hose*
mirasol
Jan. 3rd, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC)
But does the Baroness Cordelia's large and protuding belly accentuate her boobies?

And does it make me wierd that I can totally picture Clem as Gretl?

You are evil. And I love you for it.
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:01 am (UTC)
EVERYTHING accentuates Baroness Cordelia's boobies.

Clem is just as cute as the little girl on the Swiss Miss box.

Love you, too! *cackles*
mirasol
Jan. 4th, 2005 01:28 pm (UTC)
I am so sad that this fic must be almost over. You pervert so many of my childhood staples that I love you with an unearthly unhealthiness. So what's next? Willy Wonka?

I saw this at just the right time. Just got another ficathon challenge through - was hoping that I'd get one of the Angel/Spike or Angel/Wes requests. Even the Angel/Lorne one I could cope with - and that would be sooo much fun.
No. I get Angel/Gunn - and they want it realistic! Make it believable. Angel/Gunn believeable is "get that thing away from me, man!"
*eyes dent left in desk after repeated head-desking*
*waits patiently (YES, REALLY) for the next part*
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC)
Oh. God. Willy Wonka. It's calling me. That or Narnia. HA!! I jest. Somethings are holy. Ha ha ha ha!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:02 am (UTC)
No worries. It disbanded moments after you left. You were the light of the party, it would seem! We couldn't go on without you...

One more part to your fic, then I need to never write again.
hellespont
Jan. 3rd, 2005 08:33 pm (UTC)
Everyone tries to hide their eyes, except for brave, loyal Weslich who can't seem to tear his eyes away.

Such a little trooper. *wipes away a single, perfect tear*
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:03 am (UTC)
Poor, brave, gay Weslich.

*catches tear in tear-jar to shine in the sun*
mskakaako
Jan. 3rd, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
Without a word, and with her mouth gaping like a trout, she allows Angel to lead her into a complicated series of hops, skips, and the hokey pokey.
Heehee...hokey pokey! That's what it's all about!

(Marta:)
I hate you all, I wish you all a blight
(and disappears again while the other children do a complicated jazz hands/rainbow hands dance move)

::JAZZ HANDS:: Huzzah! I love the music bits bestest! Heeee! *mwah*



stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:04 am (UTC)
HOKEY POKEY!! Dude. That should be our national dance or something.

I saw you got me on your Yahoo! Messenger! Woot! There will be chatting later!
greenstone_j
Jan. 4th, 2005 01:16 am (UTC)
Awwwww!!! I can so hear the sweet dulcet tones of Dawn singing that "Get out"

Perfect after discussions of Cartoon slash...and detactable penis and wee!Spike in duck's bottoms
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:07 am (UTC)
Or is it Giant Angel in weasel nipples? I lose track...

Dawn has the loveliest screech.
viciouswishes
Jan. 4th, 2005 03:36 am (UTC)
Bwhaha.

I think little Weslich has my heart in this part of the story. I adore him hiding from the women.
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:08 am (UTC)
Poor brave Weslich. Wimmin is jest scary. What with the no penises, lack of facial stubble... *shudders*

Tee hee! Snorfle! And other sounds I don't use in real life!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC)
I've been watching a lot of S2 and S3 Cordy. LOVE. HER.

Trying to keep Oz in character... Ha! Like actual literary techniques are being used. Ha ha ha!
likeadeuce
Jan. 4th, 2005 09:01 am (UTC)
oh dear God
this is genius. this is my favorite line:

Giles VonRipper cuts into the conversation. "Actually, Fraulein, that would be me, but I am obviously the Captain's butt monkey, so feel free to blame him."

look at my icon and note the look of disbelief on Cordy's face at what you've done to her. however, in a moment, she will reflect philsophically: "Hey, it's a hella-better than season 4!"
stoney321
Jan. 4th, 2005 04:24 pm (UTC)
But Cordy would be happy she was a Baroness and had money and clothes....

Remember: Season 4: Like Crap in a Bag.

(now go make her horizontal - or vertical, I'm not picky - with Wesley.)
violethamster
Jan. 4th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC)
Thunder stick. Fish and vanilla. So wrong and so funny.

Yes, you should do Willy Wonka after this.
paynbow
Jan. 5th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
Hee!
Why am I always talking to myself? Oh yeah. Because I'm the bad guy."

*snarffle*

The Baroness begins rubbing her belly against Angel's thigh. "What about us? Remember me? The ACTUAL date?"

Oh god...I have such a mental image of this (thanks for that, btw *g*) and it's hilarious!

( 25 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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