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[ETA 2]I'm closing up the phone lines here at Jerry Lewis central. All of the cyber teasing has been tallied to the amount of $71.70 (at a nickel a grope, not too shabby.) I'm going to round that up to an even $75 and make a deposit to The Red Cross in the AM. See? Kerfuffles can turn out okay.

I had three options for activity today: work on a project with a looming deadline, clean my messy house, read fandom_wank regarding psuedo gay straight women and their ramifications on the ecological impact of trangressive geopolitical wank. Or something. Came to a few decisions: people like using big words to sound smart, people don't like to say what's on their mind, and I'm going to stay naked on this LJ for charity. This is now a meretricious journal. Now??!

Example of number one: The granulation of the level of trangressive homoerotica to heteronormalcation can be directly inverted to represent the metrics of off-line behavior as invested in intraweb behaviors specific to the norms of oh my god are you still reading?

That translates to: you straight women with your licking and groping devalues my coming out of the closet and makes ME less cool. That's me saying what's on my mind. Women for millennias have been allowed affections with each other as our nature (gatherers, traditionally) have left us alone together as a group. Ever see lioness groom each other? I'd rather be faux groped than left alone in the cold. All alone. Like a dog.

Also, I am now naked. For charity. Here's the donation scale:

  • gropes, licks = I give $0.05

  • humps = $0.10

  • showing me the meaning of "twoo wuv" = $0.15

  • pinching my bum - $0.50

  • gang bangs = $1.00

  • fondling my boobs = $5.00 (my pretty boobs are tired, but you can raise money in other ways)

I'm not sure where I'll donate the money. This may be a huge joke.* And I want to have hard core, corn-cob sex with each of you and stalk you and kill for you and then be arrested and go to jail and become someone's bitch and be TAUGHT A LESSON. Uh huh.

[ETA] As of 69 (hee!) comments I have $60.70. *I'm sending money to the Red Cross, so jump on board and make it hurt! Then kiss it better. Post is open until tonight.


( 100 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jan. 6th, 2005 12:07 pm (UTC)
OMG. This hit fandom_wank!?!

Personally I think flexible sexuality boundaries are damn cool.

picks purty nekkid woman icon.

*gropes you*
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:14 pm (UTC)
Whoo hoo! And you are helping the children with every grope and lick. You're selfless, you are...

I am particularly interested in your opinion, m'dear. I recognize that humans are not 100% anything. I know there are times when I have thoughts of the gay variety, and recognize that as natural, although I identify as straight. I, too, think flexible boundaries are of the hot. (and belonging to the natural order of biology.)

*licks you like a straight woman, prepares to stalk you. For charity.*
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Jan. 6th, 2005 12:11 pm (UTC)
you are so silly, in a good way. look at Cordy, who is the straightest woman on the planet, but if she had an LJ would be responding to Fred (who is NOT the straightest woman on the planet; note her near-groping of Willow in "Orpheus", and Alexis Wesley's facial expressions of near ecstasy as he contemplates his fiancee and her hot friend and the things he would like to do to them as soon as they stop filming a brief respite from the existential torture and, hey, he gets to grope Eliza Dushku in this episode, too, he has the greatest job in the world. oh, what was I saying? If Cordy had an LJ, she'd be writing the odd *cuddles your cute little nose to my ginormous boobies* to Fred all the time.

i sent you more post-smut cuddle-porn, with more to come. this story will have NC-17 outtakes, I promise.
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
And your post makes me want to be Fred. I would leave my husband for her. Because he is harshing my trangression, like whoa!

more porn for me?? Whoopie!! you got my email this morning, right?

Oh. DO you not want money to be sent to charity or something? Grope me already! I'm up to 5 cents... Ha!
oops, I forgot to grope you - likeadeuce - Jan. 6th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: oops, I forgot to grope you - stoney321 - Jan. 6th, 2005 12:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:17 pm (UTC)
I find it odd that boob fondlage is more expensive than banging. But that's just me.

You know the funniest part of this whole wank, is my friend Barb C. She is a lesbian who writes Spike het fic. According to the parameters Jenny O set up, I think that technically, Barb does not exist. She's going to be crushed to find that out.
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:21 pm (UTC)
BWAH!! LJ erased my life, OMFG!

I have a thing for boobs. And mine aren't getting NEAR the attention they should. I learned in marketing that jacking the price up astronomically make people think it's better than it is, so...

What? You don't want me to send a charity a big pile of money for virtual snogs?
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)
I'm going to out myself as a nontransgressive middle-aged small town married heterosexual slash fan, who is also a 1974 graduate of The Evergreen State College and an old line Indian rights and Environmental activist and a farmer</b>, and a hard-core Spuffy at heart, dammit, and say right now, in the usual less than heroic way, that being in comments on someone elses journal, that this whole metathezing wankage has gotten, finally, to the point wheere it is even more boring than the teenagers and their six year old cousin were havint the last week in August when the television was broken.
Julia, getting her Mom on
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC)
And having deleted and corrected this post once, let me also say how deeply tired I am of the inability to proof posted comments on LJ, since I seem constitutionally unable to make a post without typos, no matter how many times I preview and correct before posting.

Julia, not inerrant
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(Deleted comment)
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:42 pm (UTC)
No, it appears you got it. Whee! Boobs are worth more money!

I think you can buy an immunization kit for a boob grope. You're a humanitarian.
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
Boobs definitely! Cuz, you know, for the children.
Jan. 6th, 2005 12:43 pm (UTC)
EXACTLY. I'm surprised I haven't gotten a gang-bang yet. For the children.

There is so much wrong with that... But aren't we having fun? FOR THE CHILDREN!!

(I'm seriously racking up dollars. Red Cross needs some help.)
Jan. 6th, 2005 01:32 pm (UTC)
I had to take time out of my busy schedule to lick, grope and fondle those magnificent breasts of yours.

::licks gropes and fondles your boobs::

Now back to the freakin' grind stone. :(

Jan. 6th, 2005 01:34 pm (UTC)
Whoo hoo! That probably paid for a hut in Sri Lanka.

My boobs and the children thank you.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 6th, 2005 02:12 pm (UTC)
But you just brought my grand total to $25.45, so that ten cents should make you feel fine.

(I know you aren't imagining molesting me or anything. I'll add hugs up there if it helps. The Red Cross needs money!!)
(Deleted comment)
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Jan. 6th, 2005 02:10 pm (UTC)
Some time ago I learned the fundamentals of basic math. Now I know it's for the children and all but I might as well make the most out of my five dollars. After the Christmas holiday I'm feeling unusually thrifty. Are you up for 5 gang bangs? Should we space them out or go with back to back, non-stop gang bangs. As a side benefit, who knows how many gropes I can rack up during such a marathon event.
Jan. 6th, 2005 02:13 pm (UTC)
$5.05! Whoo hoo!! The children will have blankets now. I heard last night on the news that 10 cents will buy water for a family for a day, so it isn't insignificant, even though my methods are completely retarded.

*sits on ice, fans self*
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Jan. 6th, 2005 02:33 pm (UTC)
I'm a real live queer woman (albeit of the apparently shameful bisexual variety), not too mention a lonely love-starved one, so brace yourself:

*fondles your lady berries*

*pinches your bum*

*shows you the meaning of twoo luv, complete with dedicated Ani songs on the radio, granola breakfasts in bed, and matching overalls*

*spanks you silly* Wait, how much was that worth?

Jan. 6th, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
honest and for true? REAL LIVE?? Ha!

I am braced, and now I am sweaty and flushed.

You had me at love-starved.

And now you have me in for an additional $1.20, and the Red Cross thanks you.
Jan. 6th, 2005 02:35 pm (UTC)
Example of number one: The granulation of the level of trangressive homoerotica to heteronormalcation can be directly inverted to represent the metrics of off-line behavior as invested in intraweb behaviors specific to the norms of oh my god are you still reading?

What the fuck?

*quickly fucks every chick on LJ with a dildo, therefore demonstrating that we are all, in fact, actually straight and trying to make gay women look uncool because we endorse the use of phallic symbols, lip gloss and eyebrow tweezers*

Sign me up for some boobage, eh?
Jan. 6th, 2005 02:50 pm (UTC)
What's this magic dick thing, though? Vagina Monologue whiplash? Huh.

Signed you up, added $5.00 to the Red Cross' donation from me. That's like, three goats or something.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 6th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
Math is NOT hard!! (okay, I'm a dork, but I'll do it for you since I'm filled to the brim with the rich taste of my quim. BWAH!)

You got me in for $1.10, but I'll throw in another $0.50 for the lotion n'stuff.

I'm up to $38.90
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Jan. 6th, 2005 02:54 pm (UTC)
OMG ::bangs you so hard the roof of your mouth feels it::

I love giving to charity!!
Jan. 6th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
You fucking give 'til it hurts, bitch.


I'll count your "donation" as a gang bang AND twoo wuv, so an additional $1.15 to the kitty. Mrrowr.
Jan. 6th, 2005 03:27 pm (UTC)
::brings in bottle of wine, candles and roses, rolls up sleeves, and then proceeds to bang you senseless while paying keen attention to your boobies::

Damn, I missed LJ. You too.

::post coital smooch:: For charity! Woot!

Jan. 6th, 2005 04:24 pm (UTC)
Woot, indeed!!

Welcome back! Check out uberaeryn's Biles fic.

Now, I believe your wild abandon comes to ...$6.00.

My boobs and the people of Indonesia thank you.
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Jan. 6th, 2005 03:42 pm (UTC)
Well, I don't know you very well, but, you know, I am starting to get stalkerish feelings about you because you use the big words and are funny and you care about the children. ::wipes away tear:: So, anyway, I'll give you a lick and a grope but watch out because that might open the floodgates.
Jan. 6th, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC)
Every drop in the bucket counts, and I'll keep the post open for groping, etc. for the next two hours...

Stalk away. But in the LJ sense, not the cut up letters, bunny in the pot way, mm'kay?
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Jan. 6th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
Okay, I know this was just for all the lesbians out there. But as a straight, married man, I thought I would help the kids:

*licks and gropes you*

Don't tell crazydiamondsue

I just can't believe the things people get upset about. I never once took it the wrong way when someone on my flist *hugged* me or *kissed* me. And that crazydiamondsue has done everything on the charity list.

What's the problem?
Jan. 6th, 2005 04:27 pm (UTC)
<--I'm not cheating.
no problem here. you cheater. i was on the phone with your wife when you posted that.

She'll never read this...

$0.10 added to the bucket!
(Deleted comment)
Re: <--I'm not cheating. - uberaeryn - Jan. 7th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: <--I'm not cheating. - elcazavampiros - Jan. 7th, 2005 08:46 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 6th, 2005 04:13 pm (UTC)
"twoo wuv" = $0.15
Love, that's far too cheap.

And you forgot to cost out the spanking (you know you're gonna get it, hun). Work out what I owe you for this...

In the meantime...
*pinches bum*
*passes ice cubes to soothe those poor lil' abused nublets*
*hopes that the coldness is a < pervy > nice </ pervy > change, and heats you up cools you down*
*looks up and sees crazydiamondsue's gang bang - I'm there!*
Jan. 6th, 2005 04:28 pm (UTC)
I kept the spanking open for you...

Let's see..I'll round it up to $7.00 bones.

Speaking of bones... Rrrowr.
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Jan. 6th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
1. *humps you like a wild thing, then pinches your ass while you're all glowy and exhausted*

2. I want your icon to have tiny little white text in the lower left corner reading: "The shit?" very like the Jon Stewart one of fame. It would be cool. Cuz, y'know. Fred + cussin' = funny.
Jan. 6th, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC)
I got Fred from an icon post, but she said not to alter. Huh. It would be better with text, IMO, but I got yelled at once and I'm very sensitive. Take her away...

So sensitive.


ChaCHING! $1.50, and my sore ass thanks you.
Jan. 6th, 2005 07:27 pm (UTC)
*shows you the meaning of "twoo luv", because I'm all romantic and shit. Several times, if you know what I mean.*
Jan. 6th, 2005 08:29 pm (UTC)
Did you show me twoo luv to the tune of a buck? Sure ya did.

It's the "and shit" that proves you are a romantic.
Jan. 6th, 2005 07:44 pm (UTC)
*runs in, plays tune it to Tokyo with you*

It all for the kids man, the kids!! *kicks kids under rug, runs up half a page for Sue's gang bang*

So how much did I help the kids out if I soak your cork?
Jan. 6th, 2005 08:30 pm (UTC)
Tune in Tokyo: 5 dollars
Gang Bang: 1 dollar
soaking cork: 4 dollars

Electronic snogging? Priceless.
Jan. 6th, 2005 08:56 pm (UTC)
Sign me up for all of them *g*
Jan. 7th, 2005 05:43 am (UTC)
/is sore
<-- Wolverine knows what's what *g* - paynbow - Jan. 7th, 2005 10:11 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 6th, 2005 09:11 pm (UTC)
You are the most kind hearted women ever. Or a wanton trollop, I haven't quite made up my mind.

I show you "twu wuv" all night long and then give you a grope as I push you out of bed so you can go crying to the phone to ring for the taxi.

And you looooved it!
Jan. 7th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC)
I'm thinking trollop. These fuzzy slippers I'm wearing right now are pretty slutty.

(I'll add your amount to the final total. Let's bump it up to $80. Fer ewe.)
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Jan. 7th, 2005 09:35 am (UTC)
You're hawt, sexay, talented and a philanthropist? I ::heart:: you more and more. I'd tackle you, but I see you've had your fair share of gropes. I'm always late for your parties.

There was a kerfuffle? Really? I'm out of the loop fill me in? Is that why I can't make heads or tails of Dovil's last post? I's stoopid...and always late. :( Bummer.
Jan. 7th, 2005 03:48 pm (UTC)
There was a beginning kerfuffle about chicks like you and me saying we wanted to grope and lick each other when we are married hets, and girls who write slash thinking they are subversive are tools and lame and ruining it for the real queers. Huh.

And so? I take my humor, my harrumphing and turn it into a check for Red Cross. (As an underline to the stupidity of such things when there are people DYING by the thousands.)
<--It's a Bee Gees bonanza...you'll see! - mskakaako - Jan. 7th, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 7th, 2005 10:50 am (UTC)
Aw, I'm sorry I missed this. Groping and charity, yay!
Jan. 7th, 2005 03:49 pm (UTC)
If only every charity was so much fun...
Jan. 7th, 2005 03:18 pm (UTC)
I seem to have missed the fun, but how do the protesting gay women know who else is gay/bi and who isn't?
And how do we know the protestors are really gay? Maybe they protest too much?
Put me down for a gang bang - I'm easy.
Jan. 7th, 2005 03:51 pm (UTC)
According to a few restroom walls, I am too. Sweeeeet.

I have no idea how anything is to be discovered if we don't all just get nekkid and try to kiss everyone we see. I mean, how do other people do it?

/bi-curious, George!
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( 100 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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