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Did someone ask for more parody? BAM!

It was this or West Side Story. But since I've never seen West Side Story... (Sorry Sue! I've failed you.) I've mentioned this before. In the glory days of theater (think: Globe Theater to Tartuffe) there would be a company of actors, recycled for play after play. Um, that's what I'm doing with my parody fics. (Sheeyah, right. No, seriously!) For those just joining us *crickets* the prior stories, The Sound of Sucking and Gone, Went My Mind are stored in my memories. And my skull.

*grand flourish*
I give you...

The Godfather - Jossed!

Cast of Characters:

Don Vito Corleone/Godfather - Angel
Michael Corleone - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Spike
Fredo Corleone - Elijah Woods
Tom Hagen (The Consigliere) - Charles Gunn
Connie Corleone - Andrew
Kay Adams (Michael's Girl) - Winnifred "Fred" Burkle
Luca Brasi - Xander Harris
Apollonia - Harmony Kendall

(more to be revealed in later chapters.) And you may want to recall Brando's manner of talking when you read Angel...


[CUT TO: Interior of Don Angel's office]

(Jonathon is struggling to speak)

Jonathon: And these bullies? They gave me a wet willy, and a swirly, and then... Then... (Looks down, knuckles tears away)

Don Angel: Yes? These... bullies. What else did they do?

Jonathon: They... gave me a purple nurple. I want you should kill them. I want their nipples on a gilded tray and fed to wild donkeys. I want you to drain them of their blood and paint "Ha ha ha!" all over the wall of their dorm room. I want justice.

Don Angel: Jonathon, Jonathon. What have I ever done to make you treat me with such disrespect? Had you come to see me about pulling a prank, I would have done so this very day. But you come to me on my daughter's wedding day and demand that I paint jokes on walls with stranger's blood? If you had come to me with respect, those punks would be walking around with Indian Rug burns this very minute.

Jonathon: But Don Angel, I want them dead. I want justice.

Don Angel: (strokes his simian brow) But you still walk. Your nipples will heal. Justice... is a wedgie. Justice... is tying his shoes together.

Jonathon: Don... Don.. (kneels before him) Be my friend, Don Angel? (Kisses the Don's ring.)

Don Angel: Good. Consider this matter attended to. Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But, uh, until that day – accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.

(Jonathon bows to the Don and to Gunn, who is standing in the corner taking notes.)

Don Angel: Give this to someone reliable. And I want the bastards killed. The Don doesn't give wet willies.

Gunn: I'll see to it.

(People are dancing, Andrew is holding a small, silver bag that the guests drop large sums of money into. Wesley appears at the bride's side, wanting to introduce Andrew to his girl, Fred.)

Andrew: Wesley!

Wesley: Andrew, I want you to meet my girl, Fred. Fred? This is my sister Andrew. What? You have a man's name, she has a man's name. It's a thing.

Fred: Pleased to meet you.

Andrew: Wesley, you better let Spike and Pops know you're here.

(Wesley and Fred walk to the house to greet the Don when they pass Xander, sitting outside and muttering to himself)

Xander: Don Angel. I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a human child.

Fred: Wesley, that big armed man is over their talking to himself.

Wesley: He is a big armed man. That's Xander Harris. He helps my father out sometimes.

(They are approached by Charles Gunn, who embraces Wesley.)

Wesley: Fred, this is my brother, Charles Gunn.

Gunn: Wesley! It's good to have you home. And who is this lovely young lady?

Fred: Winnifred Burkle. But you can call me Fred. (Nervously laughs as she tucks her hair behind her ear.) Gosh, you sure are big and strong and virile! I haven't seen a man as masculine as you since I left the oil fields of West Te-

Wesley: That's enough, Fred. Gunn, let my father know I'm here, would you? I think I'll take Fred away from you now.

(Gunn nods and walks towards Xander, who is still mumbling to himself his prepared speech for the Don.)

Fred: Wesley, how can that be your brother? First of all, the obvious, duh, and second of all, you have different last names.

Wesley: My younger brother Spike found him in the street, brought him home, and we took him in as family. I think he's become the family's consigliere, that is to say, the family lawyer.

(Wesley and Fred begin to dance with the other guests.)

(Gunn taps Xander on the shoulder.)

Gunn: Xander. The Don will see you now.

Don Angel: Xander. My most trusted friend. Apparently.

(Xander kisses the Don on the cheek.)

Xander: Don Angel, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daughter's... I mean... Gee, it's terrific to be here, and you look nice. Everyone looks nice. I hope they have lots and lots of kids, but I don't want you to think that I think about your daughter's baby-having bits because I don't. Think of them. Not to say that she isn't lovely and beautiful, and that I shouldn't think about her baby-making bits, and well sure, I thought about those bits, but that is completely inappropriate and I can see that now. Boobies.

I'm going to leave you now.

(Xander leaves Don Angel's office.)

Don Angel: Never did like that guy. But, he's the most loyal employee I have, and that's worth all the babble. Most of the time.

(Loud noise outside)

Don Angel: What's that screaming?

(Gunn looks out the window)

Gunn: Lorne Fontaine just showed up.

Lorne: Ladies! Ladies! Please! Let a man get through. How can I make sweet love to your ears if I can't get to the stage?

(Andrew sees that Lorne has shown up to the wedding and throws himself at the singer.)


Lorne: Yeah. Right. How about I sing a song to the crowd?

(Cheer goes up)

(Lorne sings "That's Amore.")

Fred: You never told me you knew Lorne Fontaine?!

Wesley: He's my father's godson. Would you care to meet him?

Fred: Duh! (Slaps his arm playfully.)

Wesley: My father helped him with his career.

Fred: How's that?

Wesley: When he was first getting started, he signed this contract with some Big Band leader. The man turned out to be a soul collector and wouldn't let him out of it. My father went to see this band leader and offered to buy him out: my father's soul in return. The band leader said no. My father showed up the next day with Xander Harris and a bag of kittens. Within an hour, they were out of there with the kittens, and the contract was ripped up.

Fred: How'd he do that?

Wesley: Xander Harris held the bag of kittens in front of the man's face and my father said either he ripped up the contract, or they would be juggling the kittens by nightfall.


That's a true story. That's my family, Fred. Not me.

(Someone taps Wesley on the shoulder)

Wesley: Oh. Frodo. It's you. Frodo, this is my girl, Fred. Fred, this is my whiney, "overburdened" brother, Frodo.

(Frodo immediately gasps like a fish on land and slumps to the ground, eyes rolled up in his head.)

Fred: Strange fellow.

Wesley: He's a bit melodramatic, yes.
TBC Right Here!

I try to leave, but I keep getting pulled back in...


( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jan. 13th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
Don... Don.. (kneels before him) Be my friend, Don Angel? (Kisses the Don's ring.)
*wide eyed shock*
Oh, not that ring.
*goes back to reading*
Jan. 13th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
HA!!!! I didn't even THINK it. What an opportunity missed.
... - mirasol - Jan. 13th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jan. 13th, 2005 03:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - mirasol - Jan. 13th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jan. 13th, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:24 pm (UTC)
Cute icon! I think the Xander babble was the best part to write.

Jan. 13th, 2005 02:58 pm (UTC)
No, no, no. Just remembered -
It means Xander Harris sleeps with the fishes.

Are we talking merman slash here?
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:24 pm (UTC)
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:03 pm (UTC)


*diez ded agin*
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:25 pm (UTC)
That was the second part I had worked out in my head. As much as I am in love with LOTR, the constant gasping and eye rolling of Frodo Baggins was wearing thin.

Jan. 13th, 2005 03:53 pm (UTC)
Godfather! Fuck, I adore you like you wouldn't fucking believe. Don Angel is the best, Brando who?


On a completely different side; you've never seen West Side Story?!? You know not of the Sharks and the Jets? For shame! *g*
Jan. 13th, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
I know of the Sharks and Jets, the main songs, but have never sat down and watched it. I know, I know...

I once knew a girl called Spikina... Spikina, Spikina!

Don Angel. I even mouth along like Brando when I type it in. Hee!
Jan. 13th, 2005 03:55 pm (UTC)
Frodo...FRODO...::dies laughing::
These are too much fun.
Jan. 13th, 2005 04:25 pm (UTC)
HEE!! Thanks for loving the Frodo line. It made me laugh pretty hard, but that isn't always an indicator...

"I knew it was Frodo all along..."
Jan. 13th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
LMAO! And a tea spew. Sooo unfair. LOL
Jan. 13th, 2005 04:52 pm (UTC)
You should know by now...

Ha! Thanks, babe.
Jan. 13th, 2005 07:51 pm (UTC)
Wesley: Oh. Frodo. It's you. Frodo, this is my girl, Fred. Fred, this is my whiney, "overburdened" brother, Frodo.

(Frodo immediately gasps like a fish on land and slumps to the ground, eyes rolled up in his head.)

Fred: Strange fellow.

Wesley: He's a bit melodramatic, yes.

Hee! Love it!
Jan. 13th, 2005 09:07 pm (UTC)

But why is God flipping me off? Wait. Is it David? Or just a detached hand? Hee hee.
Jan. 13th, 2005 09:12 pm (UTC)

I cannot *wait* to see what you do with the horse's head.

Jan. 13th, 2005 09:19 pm (UTC)
Why, I'll eat it. With a nice Chiante and fava beans.

... - lynnenne - Jan. 13th, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 13th, 2005 09:25 pm (UTC)
BOOBIES! YAY! Ha, ha and Frodo! You need to do these full-time. Quit your life this instance and duct tape yourself to the computer with only an IV drip for sustanance.
Jan. 14th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC)
what's a little livestock between lovers?
Sam should have gotten smart and fashioned a stretcher for delicate, gasping Frodo at some point. But the little queer wanted to carry him, right? What's a little H/C between friends?

CRap. I forgot to cut a "necessity" hole in my computer chair, and I'm duct taped down. HELLLLPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

(Deleted comment)
Jan. 14th, 2005 11:13 am (UTC)
Thanks. I'm grumpy right now, for reasons I won't bore LJ with. I needed sumpin' nice.

YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE GODFATHER!! ONE AND TWO!! They are some of the greatest cinema of all time. Every montage can bow to Copolla's ass and kiss it. He started it and perfected it, and (IMO) it has never been duplicated again. (When the 4 families are taken out and Michael accepts his role as the Godfather)

I need to write a violent scene, I think.
Jan. 14th, 2005 11:12 am (UTC)
This coming Tuesday Mrs. Stoney and I will be married for 4 years and together 6. The time we have spent together has been amazing and wonderful. She is a person of passion, conviction and strength. I am very grateful to have such a special (not in the short bus sense) person in my life.

So everyone join me in saying...I love you very much!
Jan. 14th, 2005 11:13 am (UTC)
Re: Anniversary
Quit trying to make me smile.

GOddamit. Now I'm smiling. I want to be ANGRY!!

I love you, too.
Re: Anniversary - mskakaako - Jan. 15th, 2005 11:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 14th, 2005 11:24 am (UTC)
OK, this is genius. Genius genius genius. that is all I can say.

Gunn as Hagen? Frodo? And I cannot WAIT to see Spike as Sonny Corleone.

but YOU HAVEN'T SEEN WEST SIDE STORY?????? You mean the movie, or the musical or. . .hyperventilates. Get thee too a Blockbuster NOW. supposedly the new special edition looks and sounds great. (I mean, there's nothing they can do about Richard Beymer's eyebrows or Natalie Wood's obvious WASP-ness, but it's worth it for the supporting cast and, ah, the songs!)
Jan. 14th, 2005 11:33 am (UTC)
Ha!! I'm trying to write the famous "horse head scene" in parody, and let me tell you: not. easy.

Musicals aren't really my thing, said the former actress who starred ain several musicals. Since WSS is not an Andrew Lloyd Webber debacle, I just might do that this weekend.

That was bitchy, huh? I'm feeling bitchy. Need to quit that... Coke and tortilla chips! ALways work in a pinch.
Jan. 14th, 2005 02:18 pm (UTC)
Boobies. HA!

And to think of Angel talking in that raspy voice just has me rolling around on the floor. And Frodo? ::double snort::

Hey, and I think Andrew Lloyd Webber is kind of evol, myself. "Aspects of Love?" Faugh. And I think he might have some s-e-x-u-a-l issues. I saw "Phantom" at my mom insistance, and geez, those lyrics were...um...whoa. Pretty racy. Didn't notice that when I was a wee lass.
(I said wee!)
Jan. 14th, 2005 02:23 pm (UTC)
I say tee hee to that wee!

ALW blows. He steals from other composers and tweaks it to make the uninitiated think it's original. Bleh. Like....Pink Floyd. The man stole from Floyd. (Meddle: Echoes for PotO)

Um...back to the fic. Thanks! Hee! Just posted part 2 if you can stand it.
... - beadattitude - Jan. 14th, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 15th, 2005 11:37 pm (UTC)
I didn't read this at first because I've never watched/read The Godfather, (but I have read/seen all of LoTR). Eep. I'm glad I did though because my girl, Stoney, is big on the FUNNY!!! Boobies and simian brow made me laff. Hahahahaha! Will there be fart jokes too? Um, is Frodo in the story just because? Or am I asking you to explain a joke, therefore making the joke not funny. :( I's slow.
Jan. 16th, 2005 06:57 am (UTC)
Boobies ARE funny. You ain't slow, neither.
Frodo is a play on the character's name: Fredo. He's a squirrelly, weak dude, and the oldest of the Corleone children. Michael is played by Al Pacino (when he was seriously handsome) and he wants no part of the "family business." That is Wesley's role. SO Frodo has no business here, but he's squirelly and passes out a lot in LOTR, so I thought it was funny to have him show up here and pass out.

Jokes are heLARious when you explain them, right? Check this out if you don't want to watch the movie (but you should: it's BRILLIANT.)
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( 38 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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