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I don't know about you, but I'm having fun with this Godfather-knock off. Here's the next bit, and for those that aren't as obsessed, er, familliar with the script as I am, here is the transcript. If you want to re-read the first two parts, they are linked below.

Part One
Part Two

The Godfather - Jossed! (this could take a while...)
Rating: PG-13
Cast of Characters:
Don Vito Corleone/Godfather - Angel
Michael Corleone - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Spike
Fredo Corleone - Elijah Woods
Tom Hagen (The Consigliere) - Charles Gunn
Connie Corleone - Andrew
Kay Adams (Michael's Girl) - Winnifred "Fred" Burkle
Luca Brasi - Xander Harris
Apollonia - Harmony Kendall
Virgil Sollozzo - Ethan Rayne
Bruno Tattaglia - Darla


A/N: Heads up: this is a parody. If characters die, it isn't real. Neither are the characters. WORDS, people. These are words.

Part Three
We last left the wedding, along with Holtz getting an "offer he couldn't refuse:" Kitty-cat ashtrays de-glittered, all the macaroni... GONE.

[CUT TO: Don Angel's office, later that day]
Gunn: Ethan Sollozzo. He's been arrested several times, both here and overseas, but nothing ever stuck. His business is chaos. Mayhem. He has a budding business of creating magic chocolate bars - they cause people to become kids, thereby destroying the infrastructure of cities, then vamps can feed at leisure. He's wanting some start up capital to bring it to the big leagues here. He wants protection from the politicians and police we know. Darla and the whole Tattaglia family have given him their support. She has to be in it for something.

Don Angel: Spike? What do you think?

Spike: There's lots of fun to be had with turning people into kids. We can make a lot of money off this deal.

Don Angel: Gunn?

Gunn: Well, I'd say we should go in on it. Mainly because if we don't, some two-bit politician is going to get in on it to make the citizens forget about some important proposition to be voted on. Plus, it'll be hilarious to see some ol' Grandpa trying to shake it like he used to. If we don't get in on it now, we'll miss out on a big opportunity.

Don Angel: Fine. Let him in.

(Ethan Sollozzo walks in, shakes hands with Spike)

Ethan: Hello. Don Angel, I need powerful friends. I need a million dollars in cash. I need to change my clubbing shirts into something more stylish, such as yourself. What I need, Don Angel, is your power and influence. And a billowy coat.

Don Angel: What is the interest for my family?

Ethan: Thirty percent. And all of the milk-chocolate bars, untainted, of course, that you and your family can digest. Oh, and there's the added bonus of morons wandering the streets to be robbed, raped, fed upon...

Don Angel: What is the interest for Darla?

Ethan: (shocked momentarily) My compliments. There's some cheerleader in Sunnydale she wants to torment. We make sure her mother gets some... You get the picture. But that happens on my time, not yours.

Don Angel: So why do you come to me? Why do I receive this generosity?

Ethan: Generosity? If a million dollars, fashion advice and power is generosity, then you are obviously doing well.

Don Angel: I said that I would see you because I see that you are a serious man. Except when you crack jokes. I, however, do not. Except those few times I did. But I see that you are to be treated with respect. But I must tell you "no." It's true I have a lot of powerful friends. But they would not appreciate me turning into Willy Wonka. We like to have murderous crime sprees that involve fear. Not crunchy caramel centers.

Ethan: But Don Angel...

Don Angel: It doesn't... No, it doesn't matter to me what a man does to make a living. But your business... It's ah, it's a bit silly.

Ethan: If you are worried about the chocolate bars, I have another idea that turns people into the clothing they wear. Darla is in full support-

Spike: Aw, are you trying to tell me that Darla wants some kid-operation like that in her name? You got her to green light that?

Don Angel: (vamps out) Shut up, Spike.

(Gunn looks away, understanding the severity of Spike's outburst)

Don Angel: I have a sentimental weakness for my Childe and I spoil him, as you can see. He talks when he should just shut the hell up. Anyway, Ethan Sollozzo: my answer is "no." I want to congratulate you on your new business venture, and if you come out with something like Whatchamacallit, let me know. I used to love those.

(Ethan Sollozzo leaves the room)

Don Angel: Spike. Come here. What's the matter with you? Don't ever let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking. And you don't get to talk about Darla, you hear? Go find someone's leg to hump.

(Spike leaves, unaware of the drool forming on his lip at the thought of humping anything.)

Don Angel: Send Xander Brasi in here. I want to talk about a job.

(Xander enters.)

Don Angel: I want you to look into this chocolate bunny deal with Darla. I don't trust her. Go to her and make her think you are unhappy working with me. Shouldn't be hard considering I knock you unconscious a few times a year. Find out what you can.

Xander: No problem, boss. But those are just love taps, I don't mind. Well, I mean, I MIND, but you know - what are you gonna do? So, uh, that Darla. She's a piece of work, right? Pretty to look at until she goes all "GRR!" What's up with that? You want me to go deep undercover? Like, under the covers with her? I bet she learned some tricks over the centuries. Man, how could you let that go? Well, she's a homicidal maniac, but in a cute way and-

Don Angel: Is it time for one of those annual concussions?

Xander: No, sir.

Don Angel: Just... don't talk. See if you can manage that.

[CUT TO: NEXT DAY: Xander putting on a bullet proof vest and cross]

[CUT TO: Don Angel's office in the city]
Don Angel: Frodo, tell Parker to get the car.

Frodo: (gasps, tears down his face) Father... Parker called in sick. It... it was too heavy a burden for him to come today. I'll do it. (Spoken with resignation)

Don Angel: Fine. Whatever. You don't have to be such a friggin' Prima donna about it.

(They walk outside to the car, Don Angel waves to a butcher across the street.)

[CUT TO: Xander walking into a bar, Darla is waiting for him with henchmen)
Darla: Xander. I'm Darla Tattaglia.

Xander: Uh... yeah. That's kinda why I'm here.

(Ethan approaches)

Ethan: You know who I am?

Xander: Yeah.

Ethan: We hear you are getting sick of working for Angel. Always going evil, getting his soul back, good one day, nailing puppies to the wall the next. We could use someone like you. Someone willing to get hit a lot and stay loyal.

Xander: What's in it for me?

Ethan: You like women?

Xander: Sometimes. Depends who's writing- Uh, yeah.

Ethan: How about all the whores you could want? And chocolate. Give you a line of credit to some wonderful hollowed Easter bunnies. How does that sound? (Holds hand out to shake)

Xander: (smiles, reaches out to shake) Great!! I like whores! Can you dress them up like Japanese school girls? I have a thing for- OWWW!!

(Darla has vamped out and is biting his neck from behind. Xander's body slumps to the ground. Ethan kicks him over, going through his pockets.)

Ethan: He wore a bullet-proof vest! And a cross.

Darla: What a moron. Vampires don't use guns. Mmm. He tasted like Cran-apple.

[CUT TO: Moments later, Gunn is walking down the street. A car pulls up.]
Ethan: Mr. Gunn. Just the man I was looking for. Get in.

Gunn: You're kidding right? I could take you before you skinny ass knew what hit you.

Ethan: Riiiight. Nonetheless, I'm a pussy that prefers to hit people from behind, so you should be quite safe with me. Please. Get in.

[CUT TO: Street, Don Angel and Frodo walking to the car]
Don Angel: Wait a minute. I want to pick up some blood. (Wanders over to the butcher, looks at the latest samples) What is this, otter? Gimme three pints and some of that virgin blood you keep behind the counter.

(The butcher dives behind the counter. Don Angel hears footsteps behind him and begins to run. Several shots ring out.)

(As Don Angel falls to the street, he begins to smoke from several places. He has been hit with water balloons that have apparently been filled with holy water. Frodo falls down -big surprise- next to him, cradling his head in his lap.)

Frodo: I can't... I... Papa. The ring... I can't go another... (Passes out.)

Don Angel: (with what seems his dying breath) God... dammit... It isn't... always... about... you...

~*~
Picks up here

Comments

( 30 comments — Leave a comment )
sangpassionne
Jan. 16th, 2005 01:14 pm (UTC)
LMAO! Oh, so good. Just what I needed to perk me up.

*perks*
stoney321
Jan. 16th, 2005 01:25 pm (UTC)
*tweaks perkiness*

Hee! I'm glad I could add to your day.
ex_dovil323
Jan. 16th, 2005 01:19 pm (UTC)
Ethan: You like women?

Xander: Sometimes. Depends who's writing- Uh, yeah.


Hahaha! And Frodo the attention whoreing prima donna, Spike the over sexed mad leg humper, Don Angel taking out with the lethel might of holy water balloons. And everyone needs a billowy coat. I mean, come on, they're so cool.

But oh my god, you killed buffyverse characters, and your words make it come true. Waaaaaahhhh! Okay, I'll stop now.

You must do these parodies for ever more because you are the funny.
stoney321
Jan. 16th, 2005 01:27 pm (UTC)
I never understood why Giles didn't have the Scoobies walk around with Super Soakers filled with Holy Water. I mean... wood bullets! Come on, people!

Now when you watch your DVDs, Xander won't be there. Muah ah ah!!
ex_dovil323
Jan. 16th, 2005 01:50 pm (UTC)
Oh exactly, you would think that a Super Soaker is going to be a lot easier to inflict damage than stabbing a piece of wood repeatedly into a vampire in close quarters. Whee, I've stabbed their liver and now they're draining me dry. I just think Giles found them annoying and wanted them all dead.

Now when you watch your DVDs, Xander won't be there. Muah ah ah!!

Oh my god, it's like season seven! Waaahhhh!
stoney321
Jan. 16th, 2005 02:15 pm (UTC)
HAA HAAA!!!

"I just think Giles found them annoying and wanted them all dead."
Funniest. Thing. Today.

Quit being funny and light. Be a victim, god dammit!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 16th, 2005 02:34 pm (UTC)
Sue. Bang SLOWLY on the counter. Mmmm. Fashnik.

You are just throwing out random topics because you haven't seen the Godfather. ADMIT IT!! *shines light in your face*

But? The love for you is strong. Now go head up to Blockbuster. (I can't rent it for you, but I can drive you there!) BWAH!!
inlovewithnight
Jan. 16th, 2005 02:00 pm (UTC)
I said that I would see you because I see that you are a serious man. Except when you crack jokes. I, however, do not. Except those few times I did.
HA.
And I'm still loving this whole Frodo thing...friggin' prima donna indeed...
stoney321
Jan. 16th, 2005 02:13 pm (UTC)
Have to say the Frodo stuff is making me giggle, too.

Hee hee!! And it IS because you are a lesbian.
inlovewithnight
Jan. 16th, 2005 02:17 pm (UTC)
I so want to use that line in casual conversation, but nobody around here has a sense of humor.
I can't believe it's quarter after 3 and I'm not even dressed yet. ::headdesk:: My week to do grocery shopping, too. Woe! Woe! Despair and woe! I want to write and instead I have to put on pants and go wait for the bus...::whine::
It's because I'm a lesbian, I'm sure of it. CONSPIRACY!
cityphonelines
Jan. 16th, 2005 03:27 pm (UTC)
Murdering feinds! Galdarned water balloon throwers! Spike the mad humper of legs... and anything else, because c'mon, let's face it, he's a ho.

Mmm. He tasted like Cran-apple.
Damn straight he does. I mean *sob*

Mmmm... Whatchamacallits.
*goes to convenience store*
stoney321
Jan. 16th, 2005 03:41 pm (UTC)
Spike is a ho. In fandom, at the very least, and in my fics, at the most.

This is kind of a crap story, but I'm bored and having fun thinking of the violent vampires turning fluffy in the violent mafioso roles. Because I'm a nerd like that.

And Whatchamacallits are awesome.
cityphonelines
Jan. 16th, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC)
This is kind of a crap story

Oh, no you di'n't! I need this like an addictive thing.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:48 am (UTC)
And I can't wait to hear about your trip!

*off to check your journal...*

(Thanks, Mari!)
(Deleted comment)
somecandytalkin
Jan. 16th, 2005 06:52 pm (UTC)
Hee! Don Angel do got style!
I need to change my clubbing shirts into something more stylish, such as yourself. What I need, Don Angel, is your power and influence. And a billowy coat.

stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:49 am (UTC)
Sho nuff.

I mean, the pimp shirts Ethan wore... Blech.
synalott
Jan. 16th, 2005 10:12 pm (UTC)
I freakin love you. My bf just yelled, "What are you cackling about?" I got a very blank look when I told him I was reading an hysterical Godfather/Angel crossover. With Frodo! I hurt something internal laughing.
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:51 am (UTC)
Thanks! Not to toot my own horn or anything, but *HONK* this is my fourth one, in case you are interested in laughing some more...

*cough* Sound of Music *cough*
*cough* Gone with the Wind *cough*
*cough* Grease *cough*

All in my memories, if you are interested. And I think I broke something with all that coughing...
violethamster
Jan. 17th, 2005 05:55 am (UTC)
This is so funny, even though I've never seen The Godfather. Hey, now I don't have to sit through the whole damn thing, because I'm getting the highlights here with added funny and stuff I'd actually want to watch!
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:52 am (UTC)
But... but... The Godfather is one of the all-time best pieces of film EVER!! (You really should watch one and two sometime, if you are really into movies. They are brilliant.)

But I will work hard to be a proper substitute. No I won't. Poop jokes a'plenty!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:53 am (UTC)
I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe because I can't pull myself away from this

I have now achieved nirvana. 10Q!
likeadeuce
Jan. 18th, 2005 07:05 pm (UTC)
I love Angel turning Ethan down because his plans are "silly." Because, yo, for a supervillain and chaos worshipper? He did have pretty silly plans.

I want cookies. A lot. It is 14 degrees and ten o'clock at night, so I'm thinking that I'm not going to get any cookies that aren't already in the house. Wonder if I have the energy to bake.
crayonbreakygal
Jan. 20th, 2005 08:43 pm (UTC)
Oh damn, you killed Xander. Oh well. Good for you. Now can you kill Frodo? (Just kidding) Water balloons? Now why didn't Joss think of that one? You did. You're a genius.
beadattitude
Jan. 24th, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
Xander's a juice box? That's pretty damn funny.

Hell, all of it's funny, but Frodo.....
_beetle_
Feb. 2nd, 2005 12:31 pm (UTC)
I want to congratulate you on your new business venture, and if you come out with something like Whatchamacallit, let me know. I used to love those.

So did I. . . . *wistful sigh*

Don Angel: I want you to look into this chocolate bunny deal with Darla. I don't trust her. Go to her and make her think you are unhappy working with me. Shouldn't be hard considering I knock you unconscious a few times a year. Find out what you can.

Xander: No problem, boss. But those are just love taps, I don't mind. Well, I mean, I MIND, but you know - what are you gonna do? So, uh, that Darla. She's a piece of work, right? Pretty to look at until she goes all "GRR!" What's up with that? You want me to go deep undercover? Like, under the covers with her? I bet she learned some tricks over the centuries. Man, how could you let that go? Well, she's a homicidal maniac, but in a cute way and-

Don Angel: Is it time for one of those annual concussions?

Xander: No, sir.

Don Angel: Just... don't talk. See if you can manage that.


I can't believe you made Xander Angel's butt-monkey. . . hehehe.

Ethan: We hear you are getting sick of working for Angel. Always going evil, getting his soul back, good one day, nailing puppies to the wall the next. We could use someone like you. Someone willing to get hit a lot and stay loyal.

Xander: What's in it for me?

Ethan: You like women?

Xander: Sometimes. Depends who's writing- Uh, yeah.


Oh, God, I'm dying, over here!

Frodo: I can't... I... Papa. The ring... I can't go another... (Passes out.)

Don Angel: (with what seems his dying breath) God... dammit... It isn't... always... about... you...


*wipes away tears and massages aching face*

Now I have to see "The Godfather". I could never make it through the first twenty minutes before now - of course when I try to watch, I'll be thinking of this and giggling and whoever I'm watching with'll just think I'm friggin nuts.
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 12:49 pm (UTC)
Gah!! The Godfather is truly one of my most favorite movies. Know it backwards and forwards....

But I'll be perfectly happy with you thinking of this instead...

(Whatever you do: don't read the Sound of Music parody if that is a treasured childhood memory. DON'T!! Okay, go read it. In my memories under parody fics. I'm a complete whore.)
( 30 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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