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What are you, stanuch?

MLK day. A day of peace. A day of positive reflection. WHATEVER!! A day of mafiosos and vampires!! And heavy snark this time around. Wheee!

Previous chapters:
One
Two
Three

And new characters this time: The part of Paulie the weasel is played by Parker Abrams, muscleman Tessio is Doyle, and Leutinent Cappo to the Don, Clemenza, is Giles Ripper. LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBBBLLLLEEE!

~~

THE GODFATHER - JOSSED!
PART FOUR


[CUT TO: Wesley and Fred walking out of a movie, "The Crying Game."]
Fred: Wesley, would you like me better if I was a man in drag?

Wesley: Hmm?

Fred: I asked you if you would like me better if I was a man in drag.

Wesley: I'm sorry?

Fred: (yelling) Do you want me to be a boy in drag?!

Wesley: Pardon?

Fred: Wesley. WESLEY!

Wesley: Fine! I like you BECAUSE you look like a 12 year old boy in drag! Happy?

Fred: No, Wesley. Look. (Pointing) And eww! (Makes a face at Wesley)

(Fred points to a news stand where the headline screams: "DON ANGEL BLASTED WITH WATER BALLOONS - HUMILIATIONS GALORE")

Wesley: I... I need to... call.

(Enters a pay phone, dials the Corleone Estate)

Wesley: Spike - It's Wesley.

Spike: Wesley. Where've you been?

Wesley: Is he alright?

Spike: Our old man's tough. They got him in the street. Water balloons with holy water. Fucking bastards.

Wesley: Genius. You know I've often wondered why people didn't come after you both with Super Soakers filled with holy water. They spray up to forty feet -

Spike: What the hell is wrong with you? This is Pop we're talking about! You... you need to be home with the family. Come home, Wes. You hear?

Wesley: Yeah- yes. Alright. I'll be there shortly.

[CUT TO: Spike's house INTERIOR]
(Spike hangs up phone, hears knocking, grabs a stake)

Spike: Who is it?

Giles: It's Ripper.

Spike: Come in.

Giles: You hear what's on the street? They're saying the Don is already dead.

Spike: (shoving Ripper against the wall) You shut your gob! It was fucking water balloons! He's going to pull through! You hear me?

Giles: Take it easy! I'm just telling you.

Spike: (visibly shaken) Where was Parker? I mean, where the hell was he? Frodo is supposed to take care of the ol' man? But he's a whiney midget!

Giles: He was out sick. He's been calling in sick a few times. Probably fagged out after laying a new bird. I asked Frodo if he wanted me to get him a new bodyguard and he passed out. Berk.

Spike: Listen, do me a favor. Go pick him up and meet me at my father's house. I don't care how "sick" he is. If he starts spouting that "Mr. Sensitivity" shit, just backhand him and drag him up there.

(Giles leaves with a nod. The phone rings.)

Spike: Yeah.

Ethan Sollozzo: Spike Corleone?

Spike: Yeah.

Ethan: We have Gunn. He'll be released in a few hours and I want you to listen to what he has to say. You knew the chocolate was a good deal, didn't you.

Spike: Honestly, I liked the costume idea better, but-

Ethan: Hey. Me, too, but I'm working on the other one. When Gunn is released, you listen to everything he has to say. Don't go losing that famous temper of yours, okay?

Spike: Right. (Hangs up.)

[CUT TO: Abandoned warehouse, Gunn sitting in chair, Sollozzo circling him like a cat.]
Sollozzo: We got your boss, Gunn. Ten balloons. Multi-colored. I think one of them was black with "Lordy, lordy, Guess Who's Forty" on it. It was quick. I know you aren't the muscle end. Except when you are. But I want you to help the Corleone family. I want you to help me.

(Hands Gunn a malt-beverage. Gunn looks up at him with contempt.)

Ethan: Sorry. Took you for a malt-liquor man.

(Snaps his fingers and has a man bring Gunn a strawberry daiquiri with fruit and an umbrella. Gunn eagerly drinks it.)

Ethan: I need you to make peace with me and Spike. He was hot for me, I mean, hot for my deal, wasn't he?

Gunn: Spike'll nail anything that isn't bolted down. Take that back. He'll nail that, too. In fact, you may find yourself bolted down when Spike catches up with you.

Ethan: That'll be his first reaction, sure. But then he'll start to think about me and wonder what I look like spread-eagle. But remember: Darla and the whole Tattaglia family are behind me, and the other families are sure to fall in line. Let's face it Gunn. The Don was slipping. Ten years ago... was his face so bloated?

(Gunn makes as if to lunge at Ethan and is quickly restrained.)

Ethan: Gunn.. Gunn... I'm not denying that he's a handsome man. I wouldn't kick him out of my bed for sipping O. But could I have gotten so close? Talk to Spike. Talk to Ripper. Make them understand.

Gunn: I may be able to convince them, but you'll never convince Xander Brasi. He'll come after you with everything he has. Which, admittedly, is only blind devotion and not as much muscle as you'd think.

Ethan: (smiling mysteriously) Let me worry about Xander.

(Someone enters the room, whispers in Ethan's ear)

Ethan: He's still alive! Son of a... We hit him with the big balloons! I think they even drew crosses on them! This is bad for me. And bad for you if you don't convince Spike!

[CUT TO: Corleone Estate where Wesley has just arrived to be greeted by Ripper]
Ripper: Wesley. Your old man is gonna make it. He's a tough mother.

Spike: What do you think?

Ripper: Let's see... Darla, the whole Tattaglia family, Ethan...

Gunn: It's too much.

Wesley: What? Are these all of the men you have to kill?

Spike: Hey, Wesley: stay out of it, huh? Go read a book or something.

Gunn: Ethan is the key. You knock him out, everyone else will follow. Now, about Xander... Ethan didn't seem so worried.

Ripper: Shit. We lose Xander and there is a whole new set of troubles. He'll start wearing wife-beaters and leather jackets, tilting his head and talking more slowly...

Spike: Anyone able to find him?

Ripper: He may have shacked up.

(They all start laughing)

Ripper: Naw. He might have hit his head or something and is lying unconscious somewhere. I've got my people on it.

Spike: Gunn, you're the big brain here. What do we do it the old man snuffs it?

Gunn: We have no choice. We lose half our strength. We lose our politicians and that hot blonde with the police... If we lose Don Angel, you make the deal, Spike.

Spike: That's easy for you to say! He's not your Sire!

(Knock at the door, Parker Abrams enters)

Parker: You wanted *cough* to see me? *sniffle*

Spike: Yeah. How you doing? Sick?

Parker: Just a little. *coughcough* I'll be fine.

Spike: Really? You go drink some whiskey - sweat it out. Be good for you. Go have a rest.

Parker: (shoulders slump) Yeah. Yeah, maybe I will. (Leaves)

Spike: (to Ripper) You take that son of a bitch out right away, you hear? He sold the old man out, and I'm really pissed that he can get so much tail with as big a pussy as he is.

Ripper: Understood. And yeah, seriously. That guy?

Spike: Wesley. Keep trying Xander's place. See if he's dragged his ass back there.

(Wesley begins to dial on the telephone. Doyle walks in with a package.)

Doyle: Here. This came just a few minutes ago. (Drops it in Spike's lap.)

Spike: What the hell is this?

(The package is Xander's bullet-proof vest wrapped around Xander's head and neck, with obvious bite marks on the neck.)

Ripper: (slumping into a chair) It's some kind of message. I can't decipher what it means. Wait. There's a note.

(Picks up note from the package.)

Ripper: (reads) In case you are completely daft, this means that Xander is dead.

(Wesley hangs up the phone.)

Wesley: So I can stop calling, right?
~~
TBC right here, in fact

Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
sangpassionne
Jan. 17th, 2005 10:53 am (UTC)
LMAO. I'll forgive you for killing Xander cos the joke was totally worth it.
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:05 am (UTC)
Thanks! And my husband leaves for his trip tonight, affording me time to catch up on fic. You have a BUNCH I need to read!!
lynnenne
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:20 am (UTC)
Killing Xander makes up for cutting the head off the kitty. I forgive you now. *snerk*
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
You just may be in the minority with that statement.

Personally, the Fred/Wes stuff is my fave...

I'm happy you are laughing!
somecandytalkin
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:41 am (UTC)
I liked it all, but the black balloon with Lordy Lordy on it, filled with holy water and used for the hit on Don Angel was genius. I hope he's not 'over the hill'.
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
I think that was the implication. These are very bad men we are dealing with....

It makes me so happy when other people like my little jokes...
mirasol
Jan. 17th, 2005 12:54 pm (UTC)
You did it. You killed Xander.
*frowns*
*pouts*
*realises it isn't working*

Ripper: (slumping into a chair) It's some kind of message. I can't decipher what it means. Wait. There's a note.
(Picks up note from the package.)
Ripper: (reads) In case you are completely daft, this means that Xander is dead.


Can I just say that I found that so funny, just because it's so true. It's amazing how intelligent Giles can be - and also so incredibly dense at the same time.

Crosses on the water balloons! Genius.
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 03:54 pm (UTC)
I don't know why Willow, Oz and Xander didn't try this when Buffy was AWOL.

I mean, they attempted SOMETHING like that on The Lost Boys... I just remembered they had squirt guns! And garlic water, too, right?
cityphonelines
Jan. 17th, 2005 01:19 pm (UTC)
Fine! I like you BECAUSE you look like a 12 year old boy in drag! Happy?

Too true. You could iron your clothes on that chick's chest!

Ten balloons. Multi-colored. I think one of them was black with "Lordy, lordy, Guess Who's Forty" on it.

Made me laugh so hard I got funny looks from the Peanut Gallery, and can I just say that I loved the malt liquor gag, probably too much, but hey, whatever.

And furthermore... Spike's a HO!
cityphonelines
Jan. 17th, 2005 01:21 pm (UTC)
P.S.
He'll start wearing wife-beaters and leather jackets, tilting his head and talking more slowly...

And the bad there would be?

Ya couldn't just turn 'im could ya? Oh no, not you. Such a pretty severed head he has though. Pretty. Precious.
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 04:00 pm (UTC)
I braced myself for the hate. Haven't got it, and I must say that I am shocked. Half of my flist is Spander...

But come on! Who else could have Luca Brasi?
cityphonelines
Jan. 17th, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC)
Agreed, agreed.

I think the lack of backlash is coming from the fact that your flist understands that Xander is a character. In fact he's a character playing a character on TV in a movie and I got lost but I know Nick Brendon is ok. Right? Right? Stoney, come back here!!
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 03:59 pm (UTC)
You know I wrote the malt-liquor joke for you, right? "Cold Cock."

Haven't we always known that Spike is a bad, naughty, wrong man? In all the good ways?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you don't feel like it's too inside...

She TOTALLY is a 12 year old boy in drag. Sweet, but not very womanly...
inlovewithnight
Jan. 17th, 2005 01:43 pm (UTC)
These are the best parts of my day. Is that sad?
Oh well, don't care.
Hee. Xander.
Yeah, I got nothin' today. ;)
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC)
Well, I don't think it's sad, but I may be biased.

Heh. Me, too. But thanks!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
But Xander dying is hi-LAR-ious. I'm trying so hard to start a flame war and nothing. Ha ha ha!

Either this fic is crap (most likely) or LJ is dead. DEAD!!

I feel like making love. (guh guh BWOW! guh guh BWOW! guh guh BWOW! Feel like making LOVE!)

I am fucking bored.
ex_dovil323
Jan. 17th, 2005 09:13 pm (UTC)
People above me have highlighted the bits that I loved the most so I'm going to be lazy and listless and point upwards and go Oh, oh!, me too! Wow, I'm like the best feedbacker EVER! But I gosh and wring my hands at the prospect of more in my greedy fangirly way. More, I tell you, more! Because your parodies are clever and funny and are like a ray of sunshine, but the kind that doesn't give you melanoma.
likeadeuce
Jan. 18th, 2005 07:13 pm (UTC)
hee, loving this!

water balloons with crosses? genius.

and this icon, for no good reason.
crayonbreakygal
Jan. 20th, 2005 08:53 pm (UTC)
"So I can stop calling, right?" Too damn funny. Are these guys really that stupid and dense? Too bad Xander's dead. Oh well, who ya gonna kill next? Lots of gratuitous violence next?
_beetle_
Feb. 2nd, 2005 12:31 pm (UTC)
Spike: Our old man's tough. They got him in the street. Water balloons with holy water. Fucking bastards.

Wesley: Genius. You know I've often wondered why people didn't come after you both with Super Soakers filled with holy water. They spray up to forty feet -


*gigglesnorts*

Ethan: I need you to make peace with me and Spike. He was hot for me, I mean, hot for my deal, wasn't he?

Gunn: Spike'll nail anything that isn't bolted down. Take that back. He'll nail that, too. In fact, you may find yourself bolted down when Spike catches up with you.

Ethan: That'll be his first reaction, sure. But then he'll start to think about me and wonder what I look like spread-eagle. But remember: Darla and the whole Tattaglia family are behind me, and the other families are sure to fall in line. Let's face it Gunn. The Don was slipping. Ten years ago... was his face so bloated?

(Gunn makes as if to lunge at Ethan and is quickly restrained.)

Ethan: Gunn.. Gunn... I'm not denying that he's a handsome man. I wouldn't kick him out of my bed for sipping O. But could I have gotten so close? Talk to Spike. Talk to Ripper. Make them understand.

Gunn: I may be able to convince them, but you'll never convince Xander Brasi. He'll come after you with everything he has. Which, admittedly, is only blind devotion and not as much muscle as you'd think.


Thank goodness I'm not eating or drinking anything while I read this. You're friggin lethal.

Spike: What the hell is this?

(The package is Xander's bullet-proof vest wrapped around Xander's head and neck, with obvious bite marks on the neck.)

Ripper: (slumping into a chair) It's some kind of message. I can't decipher what it means. Wait. There's a note.

(Picks up note from the package.)

Ripper: (reads) In case you are completely daft, this means that Xander is dead.

(Wesley hangs up the phone.)

Wesley: So I can stop calling, right?


*skips merrily off to the next part*
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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