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How to bake a Black Forest cake*

*not an actual recipe



  • gather all ingredients to be carefully measured and sifted, etc.

  • realize you don't have Kirschwasser

  • realize that it means you don't have an authentic Black Forest Cake

  • shrug and improvise, because who is going to complain about a homemade cake?

  • preheat oven

  • spray pans

  • wonder what that smoke bellowing out from the oven is

  • open the oven and see that your rotten punk children have spilled some type of grease (GREASE) inside the oven and it's close to ignition

  • shut the oven off, leave the door open, crack a window

  • run outside and grab indoor cat that has found a way to wiggle through the narrow opening to get that damn Mockingbird that taunts him daily

  • realize you're locked out

  • go to the side gate to find that your husband put the padlock on it (on the other side) to keep rotten punk neighbor children from getting in our pool

  • jam the cat back through the opening and tell it to suck it up, it started this - because I can't open it more, because the other indoor cat is trying to get out to get that damn Mockingbird that taunts her daily, too

  • try and close the window an inch to keep all of this from being repeated

  • climb the fence in your ratty yoga pants and hope people aren't outside

  • wave and blush when of course, people are outside

  • race to the front door and let yourself in

  • make a face at the smoke, which is still pouring out of the oven

  • wait for the oven to cool down so you can clean it and then make the fucking cake

  • tell yourself to stop begrudging husband for having a birthday, this wasn't his fault. I think.

  • consider buying a store bought cake

  • remember how disgusting they are in comparison

  • SIGH HEAVILY

  • clean oven

  • preheat oven to 350 and start again, minus the cat, smoke, etc.




Meanwhile, I have to get a child to the DMV, get birthday card/gift hidden so that when the Mr. gets home from his trip tonight he doesn't see it without me there, email the film festival coordinators again to find out how I'm supposed to be involved (I'm acting as a chauffeur for the directors/producers tonight for the Oak Cliff Film Festival because I'm an awesome friend and sister in law who loves her BiL very much) and stress about not knowing a schedule, directions, etc. because I worry about being late and letting people down. Add in laundry (and thank GOD that was chocolate on that one child's sheets, holy crow, I about ran from the house screaming), bathroom scrubbing, keeping kids off the XBox for the entire day's activity and all of the yard work piling up and you have my life today.

Gah. I'm ready to run away to a deserted island today, I believe. I even know how to make my own rum from fruit. It would be perfect: me drunk on a beach with no one around. BLISS.

Comments

( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
flaming_muse
Jun. 14th, 2012 04:14 pm (UTC)
Oh HONEY. Get yourself to that island, stat!
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:37 pm (UTC)
I HAVE ROOM ON MY MAGIC CARPET FOR ONE MORE. *pats space*
harmonyfb
Jun. 14th, 2012 04:41 pm (UTC)
I say that at some point, it's better just to call a local bakery and have done with it. They'll even make it with whipped cream icing (damn. Now I'm hungry for cake.)

Maybe they'd even go by the liquor store for you on the way to deliver the cake. (You know, I think there's a business idea in there somewhere...the Booze 'n Baked Goods store!)

*edited to insert a wayward close parenthesis.

Edited at 2012-06-14 04:41 pm (UTC)
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:38 pm (UTC)
Oh, no no no. I make the cakes. I'm just frustrated at how a normal 30 minute set up/to oven process turned into two hours. But I got a clean oven out of it...

I would move into a Booze n' Baked Goods store, not gonna lie.
jenbooks
Jun. 14th, 2012 04:43 pm (UTC)
OMG I was reading this like it was one of those jokes like "how to bathe a cat".... and then it dawned on me that it was FOR REALS.

AHAHAHAHA oh god poor Stoney.
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:40 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, THIS IS MY LIFE, OMG. At least the dog didn't burp up a partial lizard on the carpet, or something.

WHY DO YOU THINK I DRINK. (hahaha)
brunettepet
Jun. 14th, 2012 05:05 pm (UTC)
I really don't envy you your life of glamour and leisure.

Store bought cakes aren't always gross. The mister got me a carrot cake from a local bakery and it was delicious breakfast, lunch and dinner.
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:42 pm (UTC)
I am wearing a pretty couture "I <3 [picture of shotgun] [picture of zombie]" t-shirt with my tattered yoga pants, so I'm camera ready, is what I'm saying.

The closest stores are just a Kroger and Market Street - they def. use shortening and other things that make their cakes icky. I finally got it all made, though, and it's smelling FABULOUS. (I need a proper bakery close by, woe.)
tabaqui
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:15 pm (UTC)
Surprise!smoking oven is *always* fun. Mine tends to set my smoke detectors off even when there's no visible smoke.

At least ratty yoga pants didn't pick that moment to become yoga pants with giant seam split?

Have a better afternoon!
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:43 pm (UTC)
IT SMELLED SO AWFUL. I have no idea what kind of grease it was, but wow, is my oven sparkling right now! Thank you, Barkeeper's Friend.

AHAHAHA - yes, I'm glad for that, too. :D

<3
tabaqui
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:47 pm (UTC)
<3's Barkeeper's Friend.
It also removes bright pink hair dye from....every bathroom surface.
:)
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:57 pm (UTC)
and red marker from marble. I LOVE IT.
lynnenne
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:28 pm (UTC)
AGH GAH AGH. You make it sound hilarious, but I'm sure it was gah. </p>

I am on my way to Denver to see Kita and James Marsters. DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD MY LIFE.

stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:44 pm (UTC)
I WAS STRESSED THIS MORNING, LYNNE. To the point where I was doing a countdown to margaritas in my head. And then I remembered that I'm "on duty" driving people tonight, so I'll have to wait even LONGER.

OMG, YOU TWO ARE HAVING FUN WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE. *cries* (Have so much fun!!)
lynnenne
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:57 pm (UTC)
Fun will be had! And possibly even tequila. Man, that sucks about being on driver duty. There are few things worse than delayed margaritas. </p>

Hey, did you watch the new Dallas last night on Bravo? John Ross is kinda yummy.

stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:13 pm (UTC)
I didn't!! They've been pushing that show big time (a lot of it was filmed here, blah blah) and IDK. I'm so burned out on TV right now... (I should have thought the website through more, huh? HEE.)

Give Kita a hug from me. And then hug yourself from me, too. And then drink a shot in my honor. Or nine. :)
fabrisse
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:14 pm (UTC)
I know that recipe (although I didn't have to worry about the kids getting into my pool in the third floor walk-up). I hate that recipe. ;-)
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:54 pm (UTC)
you'd think I'd have pulled out a different cook book by now, right? (hahaha)
entrenous88
Jun. 14th, 2012 11:29 pm (UTC)
That suuuuucks!!! But you're right, a store bought cake when you were anticipating a real home-made one, blergh. I bet the one you finally made will taste delicious (though not as delicious as the breakfast in bed those kids better make you for causing the grease fire o' trouble).
entrenous88
Jun. 14th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
Er, not fire. Smoke-bomb-ed-ness. Still. Breakfast in bed, and maybe they should also throw in some home-made coupons good for various gross chores.
dovil
Jun. 14th, 2012 11:49 pm (UTC)
I AM HOOKING YOU UP TO AN IV OF WINE!

Also a happy birthday to your Mister!
(Deleted comment)
silmaril
Jun. 15th, 2012 07:29 pm (UTC)
I'm kind of blissing out at the thought of that my-own-rum on-a-beach thing... although the rest feels unpleasant and I hope you don't have to go through any of that again?
kseenaa
Jun. 17th, 2012 03:22 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you need that islan... o.O Geezes...
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )

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