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Letter to someone unlikely to respond

Dear common brown grasshopper that I am calling Bill...



Bill. Do you mind if I call you that? I know you aren't able to answer, so we'll say yes, it's fine.

Bill.

How's death? Wait, let me back up in the narrative. I've seen you and your type hanging around my garden for a few days, now. (Is that species-ist of me? The "your type?") And I thought, you know? I have quite the bounty in my garden, I do. I like it that way. Little extra for the rabbits to nibble on and life's a bowl of cherries. I even have a plant that I despise because tomato hornworms LOVE it and they turn into Sphinx moths, and they're gorgeous. So, hey. Share and share alike, right?

And then comes along you bunch of assholes. In the span of two and one-half days you have almost completely defoliated my antique climbing rose. You bastards. Fortunately it's a spring and fall bloomer, so it has some time to heal. And as I was crouched down under the 20 foot long canes, cutting it back harshly, there you were, smirking at me with your beady little eyes.

And what did I do? I backed up. Slowly. Giving you space to move away, but no, you startled scuttling along a cane towards my face and I saw it before it came, I just knew you were going to jump onto my face and eat my sweet, sweet eye juices. ASSHOLE. And what did YOU get for your troubles?

I NINJA'D YOUR ASS WITH MY SHEARS LIKE KWAI CHANG CAINE THAT IS WHAT I DID! I full on grasshopper'd your ass and now you are dead, cut in two, an object lesson for your brethren. I stepped aside to let an ant lumber its way towards you, hoping it would do some circle of life shit to your corpse.

I hate everything you choose to be, you gluttonous capitalist pig.

Love and kisses,
Laura

PS - I now will roam the earth in search of justice from your kind. *pan flute, looks off in the distance*

I am seriously proud of myself here, not gonna pretend otherwise. THAT WAS SOME BRUCE LEE BID-NESS I DID. I need a macro of the kid in karate clothes that says, "Snatch a pebble, they said. I snatched their lives."

Comments

( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
kita0610
Jun. 26th, 2012 09:16 pm (UTC)
I believe my icon sums up my feelings nicely. I'll high five you later though, after I'm done barfing. Man, I can't even step on a spider. Go team you- bleeearghhh.
stoney321
Jun. 26th, 2012 09:23 pm (UTC)
there may have been some hysterical screaming and mincing steps as I shook my hands out and cried afterward.

THERE MAY HAVE BEEN. Or I may have been all cool and chill like a boss but that last one didn't happen.

I HATE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH.
kita0610
Jun. 26th, 2012 09:26 pm (UTC)
I totally believe you were chill. In fact, I am sure I can provide photographic evidence of this, should there be a trial.
stoney321
Jun. 26th, 2012 09:29 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU.

And in conclusion: they are fuckers. Amen.
elizardbits
Jun. 26th, 2012 09:52 pm (UTC)
I am trying to think of what fell creatures you should infest your garden with in order to combat this vile menace but so far everything is just all around badness.

Altho giant mantises would be fucking rad.
stoney321
Jun. 26th, 2012 10:02 pm (UTC)
Mantiseseses are AMAZING. I really like them. They are welcome. /creepy old lady voice from Poltergeist.

Giant spiders with stabby legs and grasshoppers ARE NOT ALLOWED.
fishwithfeet
Jun. 26th, 2012 10:29 pm (UTC)
In high school I did a catch and release experiment with grasshoppers in this field. We caught them, marked them with paint, released, then waited and caught again to see how many were marked the second time around.

Grasshoppers VOMIT on you when they're mad. True story.
stoney321
Jun. 26th, 2012 10:30 pm (UTC)
I COULD HAVE LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING THERE WAS GRASSHOPPER VOMIT.

*sobs and cries*
*makes you wash your hands in bleach*
turnonmyheels
Jun. 26th, 2012 10:41 pm (UTC)
<33333
stoney321
Jun. 26th, 2012 10:43 pm (UTC)
THEY ARE GROSS. I HATE THEM.
ruthless1
Jun. 26th, 2012 11:38 pm (UTC)
I especially liked you calling him a gluttonous capitalist pig. He deserved it.
stoney321
Jun. 26th, 2012 11:59 pm (UTC)
they just consume EVERYTHING THEY SEE. Imperialist bastards...
kuzu_no_ha
Jun. 27th, 2012 09:25 pm (UTC)
That made my day, not gonna lie.
lynnenne
Jun. 26th, 2012 11:39 pm (UTC)
COOL MOVE!
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 12:00 am (UTC)
I. FELT. BAD. ASS.

And gross. BUT MOSTLY THE BAD ASS PART.
ladycyndra
Jun. 26th, 2012 11:53 pm (UTC)
LOL
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 12:00 am (UTC)
*preens*
flaming_muse
Jun. 27th, 2012 12:34 am (UTC)
I love you. <3
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 12:48 am (UTC)
I love you, too! (It was DREADFUL.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 12:49 am (UTC)
You are, and shall always be, my friend. <3 <3

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE AND I HATE THEM SO MUCH. *cries*
chantal87
Jun. 27th, 2012 01:02 am (UTC)
I love you so hard!!
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 01:05 am (UTC)
HA HA HA!! I will come murder these bastards for you, too! Wait, I'm terrified of them. I WILL THINK BAD THOUGHTS FOR YOU.
dovil
Jun. 27th, 2012 01:42 am (UTC)
Stick its head on a spike so all other crickets may learn.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 01:45 am (UTC)
he is currently lying in two on the ground, but I think a pike is exactly what is missing in my garden. GENIUS!
zyrya
Jun. 27th, 2012 02:28 am (UTC)
AHHHHHHHHHHHH horrible horrible scary horrible MONSTERS.

You are the ninja queen!

I'll send you my crack chicken squad. There is not a single cricket, grasshopper, slug, snail or caterpillar in my garden since I let them roam around, and their favourite food is weeds. Although they would also eat those moths you like so much, and demolish your lettuces.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 02:45 am (UTC)
I am happy to say that the mockingbirds out back dispatched them rather quickly. They were on my WINDOWS. This is when they migrate, and they're AWFUL. I don't normally have many pests in my garden (that linger) because I've trained the birds that I am where the Food Is. :) But something about this year has just been horrible re: grasshoppers.

Of course, I long for chickens. I'd never have to deal with this in the first place! (Damn my OCD and inability to deal with random people in my garden in the first place!)

(And no lettuces! I was drawing the rabbits to their deaths, what with me and my rabbit-killing kitties and all.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 02:46 am (UTC)
We have to remedy that, agreed, because I delight in every update of your and your cohorts!

BUT YES. FEAR MY NINJA PROWESSES! (Also, I posted a recipe for a not-quite-black-forest-cake that only you three would truly appreciate with your educated palates. <3)

HELLO DEAR! It's been a while! :D *shoves a cheese board your wa*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 04:07 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3 I WILL DO THAT. I'll just do that all the time - sometimes I need a boost. ;D
geminai5
Jun. 27th, 2012 02:55 am (UTC)
BEST. LETTER(to-a-monster-that-should-never-ever-respond-please-thanks). EVER.
stoney321
Jun. 27th, 2012 03:07 am (UTC)
IF THEY BECOME SENTIENT AND CAN TYPE I AM GOING TO END THIS WORLD OMG.
geminai5
Jun. 27th, 2012 03:11 am (UTC)
O.o NOOOOooooooOOOOOOO!

....although I am now envisioning a series of "letters" where you and Bill correspond....
ladyvyola
Jun. 27th, 2012 01:19 pm (UTC)
We have a saying around here (okay, it's only me, but that's all that matters):

All God's creatures got a right to live. But not in my house.

I think it needs the addendum: And not if they're eating my garden.

(Also, the grasshoppers look at this icon, think of you, and cry.)
bitchygrrl
Jun. 27th, 2012 04:08 pm (UTC)
My default is perfect for this,that is some catch a fly with chopsticks shit,right there. Rock on!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 28th, 2012 02:21 pm (UTC)
OH MY POOR ANNE GIRL!!!

I hate them so, so much. They're just DREADFULLY HORRID BEASTS.
oatmellow
Jun. 27th, 2012 08:23 pm (UTC)
Everything.

That's what I love about this letter.
midnightsjane
Jun. 28th, 2012 03:53 am (UTC)
Grasshopper, you have met your match, and her name is STONEY. Prepare to die.
LOL!
I haven't had any grasshopper problems, but I do enjoy squishing all those nasty little aphid buggers infesting my roses. I get 'em between my thumb and my fingers, and squeeze the life right out of 'em. And I am not going to apologize for it!
pushplaytobegin
Jun. 29th, 2012 06:39 am (UTC)
Thank god I had finished my milk when I read this. I snorted. Absolutely hilarious. I would not have had the stones for that maneuver. I would have run screaming. I dislike bugs. We used to have chipmunks that loved to eat grasshoppers. You go, girl.
stoney321
Jun. 29th, 2012 02:14 pm (UTC)
If you find any of those chipmunks that eat grasshoppers looking for a change of scenery, I'll reward them with spicy pecans and ear scritches if they'd consider relocating. :)
( 42 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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