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Hooray! More mockumentary!

My bad!fic writer is back. There are those who would hate me for poking fun at this poor sap, but she won't take any of the helpful criticisms sent her, so... Fair game. And I'm only making fun of her WORDS. Not little puppies. And I feel like being shitty.



I just don't know what some of these things mean, first of all, and I like to think I'm down with all the kewl Scandinavian Slang words.

In the "I've never had sex" category

"Oh, God, Buffy!"
"Ahnnn."
"Buf- Oh, God!"
"Ahhhhannnahh!"
"I'm cumming!"
"Ahnanhahandhannnnhahhanhhh"
"Fuuuu-!"
"Ahhaannahhhannhahahh, ahahhahhh!
"

I love this exchange so very, very much. First of all, notice how Buffy slips in "hand" in her third exhale. And I appreciate that she takes a breath and starts up again in the last sentence. Just try saying this out loud. crazydiamondsue and I cracked up over the phone with this one.

In the "I'll never quit cumming -heh- up with weird descriptions for sex!" category

  • "he pulsed cream colored I miss yous into her." I have not changed one whit in that sentence from her fic.

  • "He possessed a sexual magic that brought forth hot dew." That would make those goddamn Mountain Dew commercials interesting to watch, at least.

  • "The heat from her pussy giving his dick a deep tissue massage." Ah. He opted for the "full release" massage.

  • "He tasted her, running his tongue up, down and around her pussy like a lost tourist." With those flip-up sunglasss, black socks and sandals, and sunblock on his nose. Oh, wait. That's hot dew on his nose.



In the "I don't really speak the language. Of love." category

  • "He had Buffy festering with passion." Like an itchy, pustulating chancre, he burned for her. Hawt.

  • "Her pussy swallowed finger #2." Which was the size of a #2 pencil. Enough with the "mouth" similies! Lips, swallow, blech!

  • "cum streams" Just... no. Three things are wrong here. Word one and word two. And that they are put together.



In the "punctuation totally changes the meaning" category:

  • "Angle [sic], her handsome but sadly gay hair stylist." I'm sad I'm gay. Which is the best new oxymoron in recent history. Angle.


In the "Words cannot express how much these sentences filled me with wicked glee" category:

  • "Spike was very much alive, especially in his pants." Can't you see his dick dancing and bobbing? Just me?

  • "His eyes had taken a flesh trip, touring mainly in the district of vagina." HA HA HA HA!! I love this. Especially since it was meant to be earnest, and not a parody. WOW. That is brilliant.

  • "the invasion set off sensations that triggered the domino affect[sic]" I love those domino contests where they have rockets go off, and they race across water, and- Oh. how is that sexy? Do they fall and make a pair of boobies?

  • "He had blues eyes [like her ex] but they weren't as mattressy." If anyone can explain to me what this means, I'll be in your debt.



Oh, but there's more...
"'Great, now who's going to do my hair?' she said out loud.
'I'll do it luv.'
Buffy's nipples perked at the sound of the sexy British accent.
" My brain automatically makes a *dink dink!* noise. This is almost as bad as girls having clitstands. It isn't a penis!

I'll leave you with this:
"slipped her 'the tongue' and she embraced it with hers" She's mocking her own words now? I'm out of a job!

Comments

( 83 comments — Leave a comment )
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sdwolfpup
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
"Ahhaannahhhannhahahh, ahahhahhh!"

I tried saying this out loud to myself and I couldn't stop laughing. Of course the way it's written, that means I'm nailing it.

This is all so bad it's wonderful.

a deep tissue massage

I prefer the Rolfing technique.
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:25 pm (UTC)
You got a thrice pounded fist in exchange for the "Rolfing technique." BWAH!!

I think "District of vagina" has so many uses, it boggles the mind.
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sangpassionne
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
Oh, dear god. That is beyond bad. And she won't accept any help, you say?
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:27 pm (UTC)
Nope. Tried gentle helpers, as have other people, tried mentioning betas... And she is SO prolific. I'm talking a whole story a day. I have all of the other entries in my memories if you need a chuckle. The "She Juice" icon was inspired from her fic.

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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)
Re: Domino's sounds good for some reason...maybe it's my perky nipples
Oh my god, I totally came at the thought of cheesy garlicy cum streams.

What? Isn't that what you meant?

Angle. Obtuse. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm not hte woman for it.
(Deleted comment)
My pants are tight. Over my JOHNSON. - stoney321 - Jan. 26th, 2005 01:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: My pants are tight. Over my JOHNSON. - beadattitude - Jan. 26th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: My pants are tight. Over my JOHNSON. - stoney321 - Jan. 26th, 2005 02:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: My pants are tight. Over my JOHNSON. - beadattitude - Jan. 26th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
zinnydark
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:30 pm (UTC)
Buffy keeps saying my best friends name... haannah Granted it's all stretched out and funny, but... ig!

But lost tourists and being sad about being gay... I hate it when people ignore the bad reviews. They really should listen to them...

stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:46 pm (UTC)
And not only does she ignore the bad reviews, she deletes them and then asks (at the end of each chapter) to "review please, I need it."

If she's happily oblivious, then it keeps me in stitches and amused. Tit = tat.
inlovewithnight
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
::wipes tears from eyes:: Touring mainly in the district of vagina. That's so awesome. It sounds like a press release for a band.

And I'd go on, but I think I tore something in my stomach muscles by trying to keep the laughter inside, since I'm in the library and all...owww. I've missed these! She must write more!
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:47 pm (UTC)
District of vagina is by far my most favorite from this latest round.

::laughs hard enough to heat up and give a deep tissue massage to my chair::

I'm sorry for that last bit.
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zyrya
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:38 pm (UTC)
She's actually getting worse, which I thought was impossible. Aren't there laws of physics that apply here? If not, to whom does one apply for extra laws of physics?

And I must ask ... are you Becky? Are you picking all the absolutely bottom-of-the-barrel fics and encouraging the writers with explosions of exclamation marks and pleas for sequels?
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:48 pm (UTC)
I think you should send your application in triplicate to the Nobel board of officers.

No, but I must meet this Becky girl to thank her for keeping me up laughing at night...

Signed, Laura (AKA Stoney)
likeadeuce
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)
seriously? I must confess I mostly skim the bad!fics you post to get to the comments. too too funny.

alive, especially in his pants? yikes.

how would you feel about me emailing you something semi-serious that may be a short story? (no vampires, but there are Mormons).
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:49 pm (UTC)
CARRIE!!! you have to read my every word! Goddamnit. *sulks*

I will slip you "the tongue" and make you love me again.

And send away! (With a tease like that???)
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ropo
Jan. 26th, 2005 12:52 pm (UTC)
SO. GOOD.

I must send you some Chesa Baker fic. Oh, it's FINE. Not in the same way, but in a different, insane way.
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:01 pm (UTC)
Yes, please. I have about ten of these in my memories (under Bad(great!)fic) if you get bored and need a belly laugh. This post is NOTHING compared to some of the others.

Which is sad. For her.

Send away!
(Deleted comment)
likeadeuce
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:15 pm (UTC)
I have seriously been seeing that icon when I close my eyes at night.

off to the movies!
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(Deleted comment)
julia_here
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC)
And may I just say how very very glad I am I have somehow avoided that fic.

I think I have, anyway, I read one yesterday that made me thrash in pain, as it is not necessary for Spike to stake Harmony and Angel in the process of a Spuffy reconcilliation for me to be happy, but using you're/your, they're/their, even were/we're properly IS a necessity for my personal comfort. I don't remember those particular horrific phrases, although there were some moments of sheer compositional torture.

Luckily, I managed to purge the matter from my mind by the emollient use of Ginmar's "Affinity, which I find a specific anodyne for Truly Bad Spuffiction.

Julia, not writing anything I'm supposed to be, myself, bad me

stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:51 pm (UTC)
This person is constantly using "want" for "won't." Drives me Bat. Shit. Crazy. But when you bring it to her attention (this is her 17th fic) she ignores you and puts more bad!fic out.

(Why can't people just accept that Buffy and Angel loved each other, and Harmony was a funny plot device?)

Stoney, loves all the Jossverse characters with exception to Eve and Zombie!Psych Prof.
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poshcat
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:46 pm (UTC)
I am really festering with passion for you right now. Hopefully, it will clear up with a little Bactine and a hand job. Love these posts - thanks for going above and beyond to do them for us!

PS I've been a lost tourist many a time, yet my tongue has never gone anywhere near a pussy. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:53 pm (UTC)
Bactine and a hand job. Pffft. My love for you is like HERPES, and that, my dear, is ETERNAL.

COme down to Texas and I'll help you "find yourself."

My lord, that was loaded. WITH HOT DEW.
marsterslady
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:50 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 01:53 pm (UTC)
*gives mouth to mouth, screams at doctors to give you 50CCs of something STAT*

Don't you go dying on me!! Stay away from the light!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
I am amused by the number of H's and N's in the exclamations. Why 3 in one word, but 4 or 5 in another?

WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE?? Inquiring minds want to know.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
I'm glad I could make you laugh! Share the joy, I always say.

(hugs to you, too!)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
I have no idea how her brain spit that sentence out. And with the lack of punctuation, I just BOGGLE.

Somehow I don't think Mr. Stoney would appreciate it if I sent him "cream colored I miss yous" while on his business trip.
somecandytalkin
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Ewww. The 'I miss yous'. Just, ewww. I've heard it called 'valentine' before, which I already thought was pushing it, but that?
oh my...
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 02:50 pm (UTC)
I know. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?? WHat kind of experiences is she having? The best of hers is still the orgasm making Buffy's vaginal muscles snap like a "pissed off aligator."

i think I broke my husbands ear drum when I whooped at that one.

(And I got a bit of a tan today!? This weather is screwing me up!)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC)
You gotcha! I'll be here all week.

Try the veal.
hellespont
Jan. 26th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
"the invasion set off sensations that triggered the domino affect[sic]"

Isn't that how they used to describe the spread of Communism?

"he pulsed cream colored I miss yous into her."

*dies*
*is dead*
*spins in her grave*


stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 04:27 pm (UTC)
*coughs from dust kicked up from grave spinning*

Communism. Ha ha ha!

Watch it, or I'll pulse cream colored WTFs into you.
crayonbreakygal
Jan. 26th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
OK totally new to your badfic post, but OMG, WTF. (hey, I'm trying to be nice here) Hot dew? Where, who, what, I really don't know what to say other than Ewww. Come on, put that thesaurus down and no one will get hurt. You'll have to clue me in on this one. I don't understand (whines and walks away). How does one fester during sex? Sounds kind of gross to me. And the tongues thing? There is no explanation.

Thanks for the laugh out loud, oww, my side hurts post.
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 04:28 pm (UTC)
Summary: I have found a writer that is TERRIBLE. And does not take suggestions. So. I have about ten of these in my memories, and this is the LEAST of them.

Go. Fly, my pretty!
lynnenne
Jan. 26th, 2005 07:46 pm (UTC)
He tasted her, running his tongue up, down and around her pussy like a lost tourist.

Here's a map. Sorry it's so soggy. Buffy spilled her she-juice all over it.
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 09:00 pm (UTC)
*adds GPS to make sure he finds it*

It's a little moist. I egressed in a swampy manner all over it with my hot dew.

I am HORNY now.
kita0610
Jan. 26th, 2005 08:35 pm (UTC)
I have nothing to add but my icon.
stoney321
Jan. 26th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
BWAH!! That makes my *pussy bone ache!

*actual phrase from her bad!fic.
shadowlongknife
Jan. 26th, 2005 10:00 pm (UTC)
clitstands

That is the funniest word in the brief history of time.
stoney321
Jan. 27th, 2005 05:53 am (UTC)
It's what cheerleader do behind closed doors to stay "in shape" when they are on away games.
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kaydee23
Jan. 26th, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
"He had blue eyes, [like her ex] but they weren't as mattressy."


I'm going to take a *stab* at this and suggest that the writer was trying a variation on bedroom eyes? Maybe? Possibly.

If not.... I would not want to sleep on a mattress made of eyeballs, because that would be gross and gooey. And blech.

stoney321
Jan. 27th, 2005 05:56 am (UTC)
Oh I know the starting point, I just don't understand the end destination, and the methodology to get there. Do yourself a favor and check out the previous bad!fic posts. You are only hurting yourself by not referring to your vagina as your "audience." It's like the most convoluted way to get to a standing "O" EVER.

I wouldn't want to sleep on an eyeball mattress either. You'd slide around.
ex_dovil323
Jan. 27th, 2005 01:04 am (UTC)
I have festering sores all over my erect cum streaming mattressy eyes for you because BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!

If bad!fic mocking is killing puppies and this is the results, I'm throwing a cardboard box of them on the road as we speak. Awwww, poor puppies! But they died for the worthy cause of laughter.
stoney321
Jan. 27th, 2005 05:57 am (UTC)
*cries for the puppies*

She is just so bad!! And there are THREE stories I haven't even read yet (mainly because I'm queasy and you know, the puppies.)
vic_amy_z
Jan. 27th, 2005 02:28 am (UTC)
'...her handsome but sadly gay hair stylist.'

I wasn't aware that hair could be handsome but sadly gay. Or that you'd need a different stylist for it. Or that he'd have to be named after a basic geometrical term.

See how much I've learned from that one sentence? It's a public service she's providing, and I say you should stop with this heartless mocking!

PS - I lied, don't ever stop. The world is full of bad!fic and it needs your help!
stoney321
Jan. 27th, 2005 05:58 am (UTC)
I'll never stop!!

*stands proud in her hood skirt and corset*

As God is my witness, I'll never mock bad!fic again! Excpet for next time!
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( 83 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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