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Snerk.

I've been in a weird headspace lately which usually leads to me scrolling through Bad Places for fanfic to escape in. But those who have been around from the Early Days of this LJ will know that when I say BAD, I mean dreadful in the most delightful way. It's one of my happy places. Like watching Troll 2 or The Room. (Oh, hai Mairk.)

Let's have fun with a poll about fanfiction under the cut, shall we?*

*I do not in any way shape or form consider myself an expert (haha, you'll see why under the cut) writer or the gate keeper to what is right. This is my journal, and I'm having a go. Trust me, I'm harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And boy, do they try to be hard on me. That's what she said. That made no sense, I realize that now.



Poll #1858587 How do u fic?

Actions that reasonably require the word "expertly" as a modifier:

nuclear physics
45(23.8%)
performing brain surgery
58(30.7%)
opening a car door for someone
5(2.6%)
opening a bag of chips
20(10.6%)
managing a cash register
18(9.5%)
peeling an apple
26(13.8%)
breathing
17(9.0%)

I [blank] when a story claims to be NC-17 and the kinkiest thing is clothed frottage.

fly into a rage
15(11.7%)
wonder why the author doesn't know that's only second base.
49(38.3%)
expertly open a bag of chips to soothe my soul (expertly)
36(28.1%)
want to show the bad touch doll to the author - those have holes in them, right?
15(11.7%)
sigh in relief because sex in fanfiction is gross and wrong and HAHAHAHA, sorry, couldn't keep that up.
13(10.2%)

My favorite euphemism (by which I mean the most hilarious) for a vagina in fanfiction is:

kitty
16(10.9%)
pubis
8(5.4%)
lady mound
26(17.7%)
lady bucket
32(21.8%)
weeping hole
33(22.4%)
snatch
7(4.8%)
vag
7(4.8%)
um, gross - lady parts should never be in fanfiction.
4(2.7%)
i prefer anatomical drawings inserted instead of the actual word
14(9.5%)

My favorite euphemism (by which I mean the most hilarious) for a penis in fanfiction is:

cock
3(1.5%)
dick
3(1.5%)
manstick
25(12.6%)
thundersquirt
39(19.7%)
hot rod
17(8.6%)
hot dog
13(6.6%)
hot dogrod
21(10.6%)
purple-helmeted mantool
62(31.3%)
pee pee
14(7.1%)
gross - male genitalia should not be in fanfiction because that is wrong
1(0.5%)

How will I know the characters have climaxed if they don't:

say "Unf" multiple times?
23(9.3%)
babble incoherently?
22(8.9%)
spurt in ropey strands?
42(17.0%)
spray in a rooster tail leaving contrails of pleasure in its wake?
40(16.2%)
scream?
22(8.9%)
shriek?
19(7.7%)
keen?
24(9.7%)
say loudly "I am coming oh god I am coming here it is, my arrival! I AM DOING IT RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS COMING!"?
55(22.3%)

When I read that someone either shrieks, screams or keens when having intercourse I:

immediately begin dialing 911 because something is frightfully wrong.
11(8.1%)
cringe, then begin dialing 911.
11(8.1%)
wonder if the author even knows what those words mean.
33(24.3%)
wonder if the author has had sex.
47(34.6%)
wonder if the author will show me on the bad touch doll what happened to them to make them think that keening or shrieking is to be tolerated with a bedmate?
34(25.0%)

When I read the [younger/older] boy/girl, or [dark haired/light haired] person or [the countertenor] as a descriptor I:

immediately know who they were talking about, whew. I hate reading names.
7(6.9%)
have to stop and remember who's got what hair/attribute.
29(28.4%)
wonder why the author hates their characters' names?
66(64.7%)

Glee fandom only:

Blaine Anderson is the tiniest thing that ever tinied. He often gets lost in shag carpeting.
24(20.7%)
Burt is allergic to the G in "ing" and has a collection of shotguns.
17(14.7%)
Finn is evil.
8(6.9%)
Rachel is evil.
10(8.6%)
Kurt is evil.
3(2.6%)
Kurt has pear-shaped hips simply because Sue made an insult in S2.
18(15.5%)
Kurt and Blaine cry an awful lot. Like, to the point where dehydration is an issue.
36(31.0%)

Stoney, you are:

awful.
14(19.7%)
hateful.
5(7.0%)
really mean.
11(15.5%)
another insult that I will save for comments, missy.
19(26.8%)
ruining my fandom experience one post at a time.
22(31.0%)




COME ON, THAT'S FUNNY. (There's a very good reason why my journal name used to be Broken Inside.)

ION, I am baking an apple pie for Miss Emily, who turns ELEVEN tomorrow [oh my god, how?!?]. She requested a birthday pie instead of cake, because she's fun like that. (I made homemade vanilla bean ice cream earlier today so that it could firm up in the freezer overnight.)

[ETA] LJ is lying to those of you with b-day notifications. My birthday is not today, but the 8th.

Comments

( 67 comments — Leave a comment )
kayoko
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:04 pm (UTC)
Calling Blaine Eurasian is my pet peeve. Grrrrrr.

I love random polls! WHY ARE THERE NO TICKY BOXES FOR THE SAKE OF TICKY BOXES!?
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:11 pm (UTC)
THERE WERE SO MANY TICKY BOXES THOUGH OH MY GOD I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! D:

*banshee wails*
zyrya
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:08 pm (UTC)
Wicked! You are wicked! In all the perfectly gorgeous ways.

And some really wrong ways, because I just had a full-body PTSD seizure remembering all those fics about the blonde slayer and her dark-haired, older vampire boyfriend and her red-headed witch/wiccan best friend.

Happy birthday, Miss Emily!
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:12 pm (UTC)
And don't forget her vanilla scent! And Willow's tasting of strawberries in her lady place! And chocolate orbs! And the Dark Slayer!

LOL.

Whee, my little munchkin's birfday!
brunettepet
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:11 pm (UTC)
Stoney you are hilarious. But that's not an insult is it. I fail at this poll, but I fail expertly.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:14 pm (UTC)
*expertly replies* Seriously, it only gets funnier the more you use the word. Also, WHEE! I love random polls.

*expertly smiles at you*
*LIKE A BOSS*
*which is to say, as an expert would*
... - brunettepet - Aug. 6th, 2012 09:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
evewithanapple
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:16 pm (UTC)
Describing people in writing as "the [blonde/brunette/redhead]" is my personal pet peeve. It is 100% irrational, but what does "the blonde" or "the brunette" actually TELL us? Their hair colour? Is the narrator taking note of said hair colour while they esape the bad guy? Is the author trying to sneak in a blonde joke?
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:20 pm (UTC)
The author thinks it's wrong to just say the character's name. HEY WRITERS: NO IT ISN'T. It's preferred, actually!

..said the brown haired girl in glasses. *keens*
ruric
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:23 pm (UTC)
I left Q1 blank because if someone is inexpertly performing nuclear physics or brain surgery someone should stop them as fast as frakking possible! *G*

Q5 made me guffaw because I honestly read a story the other day where the participants cames so quietly I had to read the scene twice to make sure they had. Stealth coming for the win!
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:28 pm (UTC)
LOL about stealth coming! Okay, there should be a ficathon where people write stealth orgasms. NINJA-CLIMAX!
... - ruric - Aug. 8th, 2012 10:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
elizardbits
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:41 pm (UTC)
BEEFY MANSWORD
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:45 pm (UTC)
THICK AND PULSING UNSHEATHED DRILLBIT.
... - stephanierb - Aug. 7th, 2012 12:57 am (UTC) - Expand
denelian
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:42 pm (UTC)
my email tells me that today is your birthday. so;

"hippo birdie two ewes
hippo birdie two ewes
hippo birdie dear ewe...
hippo birdie two ewes!"


haven't been around for forever, but felt the need to say it :)
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much!

*blows out candles*
*expertly*
... - denelian - Aug. 6th, 2012 09:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
elisi
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:46 pm (UTC)
What was the penis euphemism that was something to do with a ferret? My mind has gone blank, but it was the best ever.

Am currently debating whether to tick alll the boxes, or none...
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:49 pm (UTC)
WHY DON'T I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT?!

My favorite euphemism for orgasm remains "egressed." That's from ye olde "He seated himself in her audience" purple prose story.
... - elisi - Aug. 6th, 2012 09:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
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... - ladyvyola - Aug. 7th, 2012 01:57 am (UTC) - Expand
halfmoon_mollie
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:48 pm (UTC)
Expertly wishes her LJ friend Stoney an expertly Happy Birthday.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:49 pm (UTC)
EXPERTLY THANKS YOU IN ADVANCE!

<3
... - halfmoon_mollie - Aug. 6th, 2012 09:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - denelian - Aug. 6th, 2012 10:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 6th, 2012 10:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
jenbooks
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:50 pm (UTC)
Awful in a hilarious way, of course.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 09:52 pm (UTC)
*BEAMS*

I just ain't right. ;D
comedyquiche
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:07 pm (UTC)
Stoney, YOU ARE TEARING THIS FANFIC APART! (Hehehehehehehe)
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC)
I DEED NAHT HEET HAER!

You win a billion bonus points.
... - comedyquiche - Aug. 9th, 2012 01:04 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 9th, 2012 01:53 am (UTC) - Expand
flaming_muse
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:09 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, I can't believe you made a post about all of the things you hate about my fanfic. :(

*weeps (expertly)*
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:14 pm (UTC)
I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO STOP SCREAMING DURING SEX OKAY?

Well, Clarice? Did the lambs ever stop? [/random SotL quote]

Look. You're good. Well...you're okay. You're pretty readable, I suppose. But we all can use some improvement, right? I just need you to stop referring to Burt Hummel as "The Grumbly Mechanic" and Tina as "The One Who Never Speaks."

It can only help you in the end. [which is where the boners go.)
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fabrisse
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:18 pm (UTC)
Understand that you are "awful" in the eighth grade sense of making me snicker uncontrollably.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:21 pm (UTC)
I will take that! ;D
lissysadmin
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
Loved the poll
I also have long wondered why oh why "the younger boy", "the taller boy"?
It is so distracting! Also the screaming? Really, just why? You are indeed
really mean and I admire you so much for it.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 11:53 pm (UTC)
Hearing those physical descriptors to tell me who the hell is even talked makes me CRAZY. (That and when they put a reaction from who's being spoken TO after the conversation so you have to go back and count to figure out who the hell is talking when.)

IT IS EXHAUSTING BEING THIS HORRIBLE. ;)
menomegirl
Aug. 6th, 2012 11:21 pm (UTC)
YOU FORGOT THE SNAPPING ALLIGATOR PUSSY, MISSY!

*snorfles* Love the poll!

Today's not your bday? YOU MEAN LJ LIED? *faints*

here, have a cupcake anyhow...

*flits off to read everyone's comments*

Wheeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 11:54 pm (UTC)
I NEVER FORGET SNAPPING ALLIGATOR PUSSY MADAM.

I can never forget... /war vet gaze into the past

I LOVE CUPCAKES HOORAYS FOR LIES!! <3
poshcat
Aug. 6th, 2012 11:29 pm (UTC)
I honestly couldn't decide between thundersquirt and purple-helmeted mantool. It was like Sophie's Choice OMG.
stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 11:52 pm (UTC)
That's why they were ticky boxes! I would not judge you for picking them both.

*drowns purple-headed mantool because thundersquirt is secretly my favorite*
*does so expertly*
enigmaticblues
Aug. 7th, 2012 12:00 am (UTC)
1. Oh, God. Some of my early fanfics...I happened across one the other day and facepalmed SO HARD. Yay improvement?

2. Thank the sweet baby Jeebus I avoided writing sex scenes in those early fics. Expertly, I might add.
stoney321
Aug. 7th, 2012 12:11 am (UTC)
Ooooh, I have pulled my early ones from the web because WOW are they horrid. HORRID!! We all make those baby steps, right?

I did not expertly avoid those scenes and yeah. There's a reason why they're no longer online. OH THE HORROR. I still have some of the early ones, but they're to show my improvement over the years? I guess?
dovil
Aug. 7th, 2012 12:03 am (UTC)
I smoked a cigarette after taking that poll. Expertly, like a professional, like a PhD in Cigarette Smoking where I just gave my oral presentation and there was spontaneous applause and they published my article in Professional Cigarette Smoking Journal which was peer reviewed by the world champions of cigarette smoking of which I have now become.

Also after taking that poll I farted a little. Not expertly. There was aftermath. What I'm saying is that like an amateur I shat myself. Thank god all this cigarette smoke is masking the smell.

I take my happy birthday from you and give it to Miss Emily. I loved LJ's quick succession of 'someone has a birthday coming u...OMG IT'S HERE!'. I think I wasn't the only person who crapped themselves.
stoney321
Aug. 7th, 2012 12:17 am (UTC)
I believe in you.
I, as an expert farter (the dissertation I presented? Smelled of elderberries and SUCCESS) would like to offer you my expertise on farting, as I am considered World Renowned in the act of gas passing. (I did my undergraduate in a chili factory.)

It's really technical, and I'd have to actually be there to train you in clenching - so many people think they know what they're doing, but that's because they haven't really studied the craft, you know? - but I can get you from shitting yourself to blaming small children in a couple of weeks.

There will be a lot of cheese, whiskey, and bran muffins involved.

YOU CAN DO IT!
Re: I believe in you. - dovil - Aug. 7th, 2012 12:57 am (UTC) - Expand
stephanierb
Aug. 7th, 2012 01:02 am (UTC)

I would LOVE to read a fic where some dude sticks his pee pee (I had to take a typing break there, I was laughing so hard) into some chick's lady bucket. I would never. stop. laughing. OMG.
stephanierb
Aug. 7th, 2012 01:06 am (UTC)

Also, this reminded me of a scene from one of the Naked Gun movies where they start reading from some trashy novel where "he thrust his purple headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding." AHAHAHAHA.
... - stoney321 - Aug. 7th, 2012 01:14 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stephanierb - Aug. 7th, 2012 01:59 am (UTC) - Expand
ladyvyola
Aug. 7th, 2012 02:00 am (UTC)
You give me funny feelings in my special place, Ms. Stoney.

By which I mean my brain, of course. Let me show you on this doll....
soberloki
Aug. 7th, 2012 02:28 am (UTC)
Awful, yes. AWFUL FUNNY, THAT IS.

HARRR, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

*snerk* Seriously, WTF is wrong with so many writers of fanfiction? It maketh the cerebral folds to ache.
lynnenne
Aug. 7th, 2012 03:41 am (UTC)
"Thundersquirt" made me laugh until I squirted.

In Glee fandom, everyone is evil except Sue. Who is saintly.
maevebran
Aug. 7th, 2012 04:21 am (UTC)
You are awful in the best way possible. =) (ie. awfully funny). I had managed to stay out of the badly written fic until I joined the Avengers fandom and now the "spurting ropey strands" features in way too many fics. What, exactly, do they believe the Super Soldier Serum did to Steve Rogers that that is what happens when he comes?
harmonyfb
Aug. 7th, 2012 12:46 pm (UTC)
I picked 'peeling an apple' as an action which can reasonably be modified by 'expertly', based on the time I saw Iron Chef where Sakai peeled something like two dozen apples in the time it took a CIA student to peel five. Now that was some expert apple peeling (with a chef's knife. Dude.)

another insult that I will save for comments, missy.

Completely awesome. (That's an insult, right? It's so hard to know what the kids are saying, these days.) ;)
strtmyorange
Aug. 7th, 2012 11:22 pm (UTC)
Wishing you an early but very happy birthday...expertly!!
( 67 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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