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But I should mention that "it" is not real. It only lives in my paranoid thoughts.

So, for the past, oh, two weeks I've been sneezing. I don't really do that, normally. I'm pretty healthy - hearty and hale, that's me! And when I say sneezing, I mean my kids counted me sneezing 12 times in a row, I caught my breath, and then I went off again another 12 times. Lather, rinse, repeat. Nothing I do helps, no nasal spray, neti pots, shoving crayons up there, nada. (And I have nothing new in my house to be an allergen; it must be something outside, IDK and MOVING ON.)

This morning I read on GAWKER that some poor woman went to the doctor for an itchy ear and there was a spider living in her ear canal oh dear god flame the side of her face and save her soul. Pretty much my worst nightmare. Well, my worst nightmare is a grasshopper handing on my face and stabbing my eyeball with its disgusting pointed foot.

AND NOW ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT I HAVE SINUS GNATS. Like, you know when you walk through a cloud of midges and snort sharply through your nostrils to make sure they don't fly up there? WHAT IF I DIDN'T DO THAT ENOUGH AND NOW THEY ARE LIVING IN MY FACE.

If this is true, I will allow the doctors to submerge my body into a lake of lava face first, because I am not coming back from that emotionally sound, you feel me?

Comments

( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
alittleacademe
Aug. 9th, 2012 09:49 pm (UTC)
Stoney NOT TO TALK YOU DOWN or anything but is this not maybe connected with that whole time you turned out to have weird flat sinuses which explained why you couldn't breathe through your nose (can we say it's that because if you are BREEDING INSECTS IN YOUR FACE we are going to have to treat you like you're the zombie apocalypse I'm sure you understand why).
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2012 09:54 pm (UTC)
MAYBE MY SINUSES ARE FLAT BECAUSE OF STOMPING BUGS DEFLATING THEM?

I'm just saying that we seriously need to think this through.
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flaming_muse
Aug. 9th, 2012 09:50 pm (UTC)
Oh my GOD I can't even THINK ABOUT THAT.

It's not true. You don't have that.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2012 09:55 pm (UTC)
*claws at face*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

...choo!
elizardbits
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:04 pm (UTC)
It could also be a giant leech

GOOGLE GIANT NOSE LEECH IF YOU DARE
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:05 pm (UTC)
THERE NEEDS TO BE A WEB MD PAGE FOR THINGS THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE IN YOUR NOSE.

it's probably some of those sightless cave fish trapped up in there. D:
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dareu2beme
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:10 pm (UTC)
BUG BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS.... i fucking hate them... they are scary as fuck! I hate viruses and cold bugs and REAL bugs... all the things. I hate them.


My husband found this spider thing in the van after we unpacked from our camping trip but it looked more like a tiny crab... I just imagined that we all had a bunch of them living in our BRAINS or something after sleeping in the tent with that thing all weekend.

ANYWAY, I hope you feel better soon and that there are no parasitic creatures in your body.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:11 pm (UTC)
ALL SPIDERS WANT TO BURROW THROUGH YOUR EYE MEAT AND PUT EGG SACKS IN YOUR BRAIN. It's scientific fact. *rainbow:the more you know*

Anyone that tries to tell me I should love spiders is getting my finger in their nose. Wait, but then a nose leech will bite me I CANNOT ESCAPE THEM!!!

D:
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lynnenne
Aug. 9th, 2012 11:31 pm (UTC)
*RUNS SCREAMING*
stoney321
Aug. 10th, 2012 12:34 am (UTC)
SAVE YOURSELF!!
calliecat
Aug. 9th, 2012 11:32 pm (UTC)
Did anything ever come out of your nose while sneezing? Whatever you do - don't google nose worms. ugh. I don't so much fear bugs... but I cringe at the thought of a bug crawling on me (much less IN me!) while I sleep. When I was little -I use to pray for three things every night before going to sleep - 1. no fires 2. no robbers 3. no bugs crawling on me while I sleep. It worked like a charm I tell ya - I'm sure of it.

stoney321
Aug. 10th, 2012 12:35 am (UTC)
I HAVE ALREADY HAD A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FRIEND INFLICT NOSE WORMS ON ME.

No, nothing has come out of me aside from sneezes. I CLEARLY NEED YOUR BEDTIME MANTRA.
dovil
Aug. 10th, 2012 12:25 am (UTC)
Relax, it's probably a brain tumour.
stoney321
Aug. 10th, 2012 12:36 am (UTC)
You know, I *have* been smelling burnt toast and orange peels lately...

You're probably right about it being a t
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dovil
Aug. 10th, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)
I love you more.

Why don't you love me enough? WHY?!? *stares*
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poshcat
Aug. 10th, 2012 03:45 am (UTC)
If the spiders/nose worms burst from your nostrils, try to take an Instagram before you die.
thestoryofelle
Aug. 10th, 2012 06:52 am (UTC)
OMFG. I just remember some TV show and the guy had this weird lump on his neck, and when the doctor lanced it, it was full of baby spider.

OMFG, MY SKIN IS CRAWLING.

SINUS GNATS. YOU'RE AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND ALSO A TERRIBLE PERSON. NOW MY SINUSES ARE ITCHING.
ladyvyola
Aug. 10th, 2012 03:12 pm (UTC)
Stoney, Stoney, we may have to nuke you from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Your legions of fans will miss you and honor your sacrifice. Better you than us, eh? Bartender, a round of Zombies for everyone!
brunettepet
Aug. 10th, 2012 08:40 pm (UTC)
Now you are making me all paranoid about all the frakking gnats I have waded through this entire summer *sprays insecticide cloud like shopping mall perfume and walks back and forth and back and forth breathing deeply*

Oh, and I hope you stop with this silly sneezing without needing to be dipped in lava.
Rena Pedersen
Aug. 16th, 2012 07:58 pm (UTC)
Oh my God. I have had itchy ears for weeks, now I am so freaked. Lava actually does sound like a reasonable solution, I don't want to be an arachnid incubator CAN YOU IMAGINE AN EAR FULL OF BABY SPIDERS???
stoney321
Aug. 17th, 2012 06:32 pm (UTC)
Just...don't google the story, okay? DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF.

Hogod, the movie The Believers ruined me FOR LIFE. D:
( 39 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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