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I don't even know who I AM anymore

I spent the day writing almost 4000 words of kid-fic. KLAINE KID-FIC. Guys? I frakking HATE kid fic.* Oh, what a perfect little child, and isn't it precious how they cry? The parents always lovingly gaze at one another like, "So little [Purply Prose Name like Ameiliaigh or Randolphe or Doritos Cool Ranch Pay For Our Child's College Jr.] has made an oopsie in their Natural Cloth Organic Diaper, sweetums! Won't you help me as I change it? We can beam down at them, laughing and smiling as we remember how much we love each other whilst tenderly wiping their precious cargo/as you romantically propose to me."

And I of course know that in the real world that means it has sprayed up out of the back of their clothes and onto the white sofa (because in kid-fic they always have adult furniture and HAHAHAHA YOU CANNOT HAVE BEIGE COUCHES ANYMORE, WHAT ON EARTH?!). Sorry if that grosses you out, but that is what happens with actualfax children. And they never shut the hell up. I mean, their loving voices are constantly raised in song and wonder to the heavens.

Um. So. This is a fail-fic. And it makes me laugh really hard. And it's based on Real Life Events involving #2 and her RealLife Doll that she was responsible for in her Human Development class. Best. Birth-control. Ever.

Snerk. I'll post tomorrow. I JUST. What's next, song-fic? FURRIES?!!* KILL ME IF I DO.

*Attn people that want to be offended. You can like whatever you like. Heck, write a billion word fic on that topic if the mood strikes! *I* just don't like it.

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:00 pm (UTC)
LOL at a child pouting and toeing the ground. "But Papa, the best of programming was on the television set! Well, I understand. I am four, after all, and quite grown up. I do love you so, Papa."

Meanwhile, their five year old cousin is poking his tongue out and talking with a lisp. A Precious Lisp.

I LOVE THEM HAVING KIDS, TOO. It is quite the conundrum! :D I don't think I've ever even read kid-fic in Glee fandom, honestly. Huh.
elizardbits
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:24 pm (UTC)
people who write kidfic and make the kids talk in lispy baby talk are LITERALLY FUCKING WORSE THAN EVERY GENOCIDAL FUCKHEAD THAT EVER LIVED

there

i said it
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:32 pm (UTC)
OH GOD I HATE BABY TALK. Never did it with my own babies. I LOATHE INFANTILISM IN ALL FORMS.

...except actual infants are all right. Mostly. /Newt
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 4th, 2012 12:56 am (UTC)
You know, I started writing a type of kid-fic in teh WTS 'verse way back in April and lost the thread. It's just sitting there, waiting for me to figure out what the hell I want to say with it. :)

Oh, you can always share links with me! If it turns out to not be my thing, I'll just X out, no worries. <3
kita0610
Nov. 3rd, 2012 10:58 pm (UTC)
Whereas *I* have spent the afternoon downloading printables on organization and cleaning from the lovely Mormon ladies on Pinterest.

Clearly, we have both BECOME OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE EVIL MAGIKS ARE AFOOT. CALL A PRIEST. OR A RABBI. OR THE BATMAN.
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:01 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA, they are very good at organizational charting, are they not!?

KITA, THAT IS HOW THEY GET YOU. DO NOT SAVE THE KOOLAID RECIPES, I REPEAT: DO NOT SAVE THE KOOLAID RECIPES.
kita0610
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:02 pm (UTC)
BUT IT MAKES MY OCD SO HAPPY!!!11 THE PRINTABLES ARE COLOR CODED!! AND HAVE LITTLE CHECK BOXES!!11 I wanna move to Utah FIGHT THE POWER WITH ME, LAURA. HELP.
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:16 pm (UTC)
JUST BE WARY. Use their tools, but be wise to their tricks!

THE POWER OF CLEANLINESS COMPELS YOU! *sprinkles you with Mr. Clean*
kita0610
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:17 pm (UTC)
If I start speaking in tongues, drag me out of Pinterest by the hair.

Wait. Tongues aren't Mormon? Man, all y'all Christians look the same to me!
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:20 pm (UTC)
YES. TONGUES ARE MORMON. They're all up in that shit, but with much vaguer definitions so that suddenly understanding German counts.

I WILL KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
kita0610
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:22 pm (UTC)
HEY I GOT ONE RIGHT!

There will never be a problem with me speaking GERMAN. Even if I get possessed.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OVER ME. LIKE MY GUARDIAN EX MORMON ANGEL. <3
flaming_muse
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:04 pm (UTC)
I love that you have written this fic. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT MAKES ME LAUGH AND GO AWWWWW ALL AT ONCE.
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:17 pm (UTC)
*holds tongue at other projects of someone I love dearly*

I AM SO GLAD I MADE YOU LAUGH.
elizardbits
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:22 pm (UTC)
OTHERKIN EVANESCENCE SONGFIC
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:31 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD. BUT CROSS THAT WITH SOMETHING LIKE LEGEND FOR DAVID BOWIE FEELS.
elizardbits
Nov. 4th, 2012 01:46 am (UTC)
it is absolutely and without question actual trufax canon that kurt has dressed up like jareth at least once in his life
stoney321
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:00 am (UTC)
CLEARLY THIS STORY SHOULD HAPPEN.
canuckpagali
Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:51 pm (UTC)
I hug you in gratitude from afar! Fail!parent fic would be so welcome right now...
stoney321
Nov. 4th, 2012 12:57 am (UTC)
Hooray! I love hugs!

I'm going to post it in just a bit, actually. :)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 4th, 2012 01:39 am (UTC)
Girlfriend, it is posted. :D (And you know I am intimate in a Biblical way with post partum. I'm saying it fucked me over, did that...was that evident? Snerk.)

1) AGREED omg
2) AHAHAHA at having eager babysitters. Wow, is that not how it is.
3) Oh, that bugs me, too. JK ROWLING I AM SCOWLING FOREVER AT YOU, JFC. Very rarely is there a nickname someone gives a kid in a story that doesn't bother me, but they're usually so twee and "precious" (and unoriginal) that I don't like that, either.

AND THERE WERE COWBOY VAMPS, TOO!!!
evewithanapple
Nov. 4th, 2012 01:36 am (UTC)
Oh man, I had one of those robobabies in eleventh grade and it was THE ASSIGNMENT FROM HELL. I had one of the older models that you had to hold a key to to make it stop, and you had to twist your wrist to keep it keyed in, so I basically had to hold my hand like that until it cramped. And it went off six times on the first night alone, and in media studies when we were watching a movie and GAHHHH. We were watching what's now one of my favourite movies, and yet I still can't watch it without twitching internally, waiting for that horrible noise.

Edited at 2012-11-04 01:37 am (UTC)
stoney321
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:03 am (UTC)
I'm telling you, it's the greatest birth control in the world, right? DO NOT WANT THIS. (Unless you do, but hopefully not when you're still in high school.)

My daughter was positively sobbing at one point, trying to "help" the baby. I, of course, was laughing.
evewithanapple
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:09 am (UTC)
THE BEST. Although I did point out to my teacher at the time that it doesn't really replicate the experience of having a baby- real babies have upsides, like being cuddly and your having been programmed to care about it. These things are just hunks of screaming plastic.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 4th, 2012 02:04 am (UTC)
HAhAHAHA. You could get a puppy and name it that instead? :D

OR GET ONE OF THESE BABIES. OMG, the horror! ;D
(Deleted comment)
chefreeni
Nov. 4th, 2012 07:00 am (UTC)
I have read the fic of which you speak and raise my calloused, burned, pricked, painted-with-marker and white-glued hand in praise.
The detail I get the most kick out of is the outfit, because of the layers. If it was Emilia I bet she'd be in the hat and dress from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
stoney321
Nov. 5th, 2012 12:03 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! One of the funniest things I read about parenting was by Dave Barry, who woke up deaf in one ear. He immediately suspected his three year old (and was right, as his son had poured glue into his ear while his dad slept.)

I am SO HAPPY you loved the layers!!! That made me howl with laughter to write, so it's awesome that I'm not laughing alone.

Kurt would TOTALLY Audrey Hepburn his daughter, right?
chefreeni
Nov. 6th, 2012 02:12 am (UTC)
no hon, Blaine would. It would all be on Blaine to go old Hollywood, because Kurt would know that that stuff is all handwash or dry-clean only.
Do you watch The New Normal? Everyone's saying it's future!Klaine, but I say not really... for one thing Klaine would have the Hummel house on speed-dial so that Carole and Burt could listen to to the baby's cry and diagnose the situational response.
elisi
Nov. 4th, 2012 08:21 am (UTC)
*cackles*

I've written Spuffy baby!fic. And kid fic. With real kids. (I gave them twin boys who were right little hell raisers. Love that fic. Mind you, it's also the schmoopiest thing I've ever written, but the kids are allright. *g*)

I have three of my own... I know EXACTLY what you speak of!

ETA: Went back and looked at the baby!fic (it's about the birth of said twins, and a lot of it is introspection from Spike, as he worries about what kind of father he'll be etc. etc. - I'm sure you know the drill: former vampire introspection & musings on redemption & second chances & having been a monster and so on. BEAUTIFUL, I tells ya. Very deep. And I'm still thrilled to bits with my ending:

Three weeks later, Spike can vaguely recall that he had some noble motive or other attached to this fatherhood thing. But the only thought that his hazy, barely-functioning brain is able to process is a fervent, desperate prayer: ‘Dear God, for the sake of all that is holy - please, please let them sleep for more than half an hour!’


Edited at 2012-11-04 08:42 am (UTC)
stoney321
Nov. 5th, 2012 12:04 am (UTC)
Hahahaha - realism never lets the idealism stand, right?

And Spike's prayer at the end: SO SAY WE ALL! <3
dovil
Nov. 4th, 2012 09:22 pm (UTC)
Did Klaine shit the baby out while his partner burst into song and the hospital staff danced in the background? No? Amateur.

You should have one of them snap and drown the kid in the bathtub, but I don't know what songs appropriate for that. "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair" from South Pacific is probably stretching it, but hey, it's preppy.

A furry song-fic is next on the agenda now. You said it, it has to happen now. Ahahaha, god help us all.
stoney321
Nov. 5th, 2012 12:06 am (UTC)
There was a distinct lack of vampire urination or singing, so clearly I need to work harder on that.

Oh! I should write knotting fic where each powerthrust from the ALpha causes the bottom(cough) to piss the baby out one.thrust.at.a.time.

And then the child bursts into song and rainbows explode and wings sprout out of everyone's faces THE END!
( 34 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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