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Aaaaaand here's another one.

I want to preface all of this with the following: this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Don't want to go into details, but I will say that sneaking onto LJ lately has been the bright spot in a horrid week. If I've been snippy, just throw your feces at me, you little monkeys. Commented back and forth with my new pal _beetle_ and decided to start another parody fic, instead of playing grown-up and solving the world's problems. Or my house's current batch.

So here we go, with a clever title *snerk* and this one is probably PG-13 at most. We'll see... Love you guys. Seriously.


Author: Stoney321
Title: Silence of the Hams
Rating: PG-13?
Spoilers: Season 3 of BtVS, the whole movie of SotL
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to either Buffy and its characters/words, nor Silence of the Lambs, screenplay by Ted Talley. This is for fun and not a dime in the mix. No nickles, either.
Summary: Smooshed the characters from BtVS into the roles of Silence of the Lambs. I'm broken inside.
~~~~
Silence of the Hams

Cast of Characters:
Clarice Starling - Buffy Summers
Dr. Hannibal Lecter - The Mayor
Jack Crawford - Rupert Giles
Jame Gumb - To Be Revealed Later
Dr. Fredric Chilton - Principal Snyder
Catherine Martin - Cordelia Chase
Sergeant Boyle - Faith
Frederica Bimmel - Harmony Kendall
Senator Martin - Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Nerds from the Smithsonian - Jonathon/ Andrew
Ardelia - Willow Rosenberg
Barney the Orderly - Xander Harris
Multiple Miggs - Angel/Angelus

Part One

[Scene opens on an obstacle course. Buffy Summers, a young upstart with the Watcher's Council, is running the timed course. She runs up a sharply angled treadmill, which is moving against her, reaches the platform only to traverse a padded log. Unnamed council members are swinging weighted bags at her in an attempt to knock her off. She makes it after a few narrow escapes and has to eat 7 crackers and whistle. From here Buffy has to swing from a brightly colored rope over two inches of water, then run across a finish line with a balloon held between her knees.]

Nitro: (clicking on his stop watch) Two minutes. Unbelievable.

Ice: (Slapping Buffy on the ass) Good job. Now run inside. Department head wants to meet with you.

(Buffy runs inside past the Gladiator set to the stuffy offices of the Watcher's Council.)

[CUT TO: Interior of Rupert Giles office. There are pictures of vampires standing over bloody corpses. Fortunately they are drawings - and not very good ones - so we can maintain our PG-13 rating.]

Buffy: (knocking) You asked to see me, Sir?

Giles: Yes. Please come in, Miss Summers. I see you handled the obstacle course and "Hanging Tough" well for a girl your size. I have a job for you.

Buffy: Cool. But- I'm still training.

Giles: (sighs) Yes, I know that, but I cannot spare a single agent on something so trivial. I am working on a profile of our more psychotic demons that we’ve captured, and this particular one is giving us more than a bit of grief. Do you spook easily, Miss Summers?

Buffy: Nah, I internalize everything and it just makes me tougher.

Giles: Excellent. I want you to go to the asylum and interview The Mayor.

Buffy: (whispers to herself with reverence) The Windbag...

Giles: Precisely. He likes to give advice and toss out a lot of platitudes, but he doesn't tell us much about who he is and why he is the way he is. If ever a way there was. I don't expect him to talk to you, but I have to exhaust all my options.

(Hands Buffy a file folder)

Giles: Here is all that we have on him. There is a questionnaire for you to fill out. Be as precise in your questions as you can. If he doesn't speak to you outside of advising you on healthy teeth and bones, then just straight reporting: how does he look, how does his cell look? Does he still think of me? Is he wearing the locket I gave him all those years ago? I expect your report to be on my desk at 1300 hours tomorrow.

(Buffy looks at him quizzically)

Giles: Good heavens. Subtract 1200 and then- . Oh, never mind. One o'clock, understand?

Buffy: Gotcha. What up? Why did? Do you still? Check, check and check.

Giles: Now I want your full attention, Buffy. This man is incredibly benign on the outside and may drive you nuts with his old fashioned charm. But he is a killer. And a germaphobe, so don't touch anything without him seeing you use a wipey. Dr. Snyder will inform you of any other rules that may apply.

[CUT TO: Inside of the asylum, Dr. Snyder's office. Snyder is a short, balding man with square, yellowed teeth. He smells of urine. He looks pissy, so it's natural he would smell pissy. He is instructing Buffy on hospital procedure]

Snyder: It's so rare to have one alive.

Buffy: I'm sorry?

Snyder: Armadillos. It's rare to see one alive.

Buffy: Were we... talking about armadillos?

Snyder: No. I wanted to make sure you knew what we were dealing with.

Buffy: Small animals that roll up into a ball and are nocturnal?

Snyder: NO! That is the kind of attitude that is going to get a person expelled from this facility. Follow me. I want to get this over with quickly. I don't have all day to sit and discuss defense tactics with you.

(They begin to walk down a long hallway through a series of heavy iron doors)

Snyder: The Mayor ate and devoured an entire box of enormous scarab beetles. (Snyder pulls out a picture - we do not see it - and shows it to Buffy. Her face remains passive.)

Snyder: That doesn't gross you out? An entire box of bugs? With their nasty, crunchy outer skeletons? Wiggly legs? The whole time he ate them he tapped his toes in tune to the song, Mairzy Doats. He's a sick, sick man. We've tried to study him of course, but he's far too wily for our tests. He thinks of me as his nemesis, you know.

Buffy: (snickers and catches herself, turning it into a fake sneeze.) -Choo!

Snyder: (with a sneer) Go in here. Xander will be watching you the whole time.

(They have approached the final series of iron gates. Xander is a large, long-armed man who is in charge of who goes in and out of this detention wing. He looks affable, but could use a hair cut.)

Snyder: Interesting that Rupert would send you. Small, bony... You look petulant. Just the type The Mayor will try and win over. He wants a daughter-figure, you know.

Buffy: Riiiight.

Snyder: These are the rules: do not pass anything to him that has any sharp objects. No paper-clips, staples, knives, or those 4-ink click-pens.

Buffy: Why can't he have a 4-ink click pen? They're fun.

Snyder: Precisely. Do not accept anything he passes to you. Stay back from the glass and don't touch it. It's a pain to try and Windex™ that whole thing clean with him mocking you through the glass.

Buffy: I understand. Um, since he sees you as his arch-nemesis, maybe it would be better if I spoke with him alone?

Snyder: (whines) You made me walk all the way down here? Fine. Have it your way.

(With a huff, he spins on his teeny little shoe and heads back to his office leaving Miss Summers alone with Xander.)

Xander: Hi, I'm Xander. He told you not to touch the glass?

Buffy: (small smile) Yep. Got the whole bullet-points presentation.

Xander: Alright then. (Points to security camera monitor) I'll be watching you, okay? Stay to the right. When you walk down there, you'll see all the cells are on the left. So, duh. But, it bears repeating. He's in the last cell, and the most disturbing and foul patients are before him. Should be a chuckle. The chuckle that isn't a chuckle, you know? I put out a chair for you. You'll do fine.

(Buffy smiles at the nice orderly and makes her way through the gate. A Klaxon bell rings loudly and red lights pulse wildly.)

Xander: Oops! Wrong button. I meant to hit the "mood lighting." (Hits a switch) There you go.

(The lights are muted and soft, which makes the detention wing for the criminally insane more romantic than it already is. Cavern... passionately disturbed men... chains... Sound like anyone's kink? Buffy hugs the right wall and sees the inmates in their cells from the corner of her eye. She passes the next to last one and hears a raspy, seldom-used voice hiss out to her.)

Angel/Angelus: I can smell your cunt.

Buffy: Ewww! Can not!

Angel/Angelus: Can, too!

Buffy: Can SO not! I totally use the best in organic personal hygiene care. Baring that, I shove an entire vanilla bean up my nani to make everything smell tip-top. Makes all of me smell vanilla scented, so CAN. NOT.

(Buffy walks to the final cell and sits down in the chair Xander provided. She arranges her face under the cover of her blonde hair, then looks up, prepared. The Mayor is standing stock still, arms behind his back, and is wearing a clown wig and false red nose. Buffy tries to hide the shock on her face.)

The Mayor: Too much? Gosh, I just couldn't stand the thought of you coming all the way down into this dark place without a tiny giggle. (Laughs) You kids with your seriousness. Don't know how to live a little... Now, how are you, pumpkin? Did that nasty fella next door say something distasteful to you?

Buffy: I-it's fine. It's nothing. I can handle it.

The Mayor: Now, now, no need to feel embarrassed. After all, it wasn't YOU that used such language. I won't have anyone speaking to a guest, especially not a lady guest, in that manner. What was it that he said?

Buffy: Um... He said he could smell my cunt. But it's totally good smelling, like fresh baked cookies or a milkshake.

The Mayor: (blinks several times) I like fresh baked cookies. And milkshakes. I don't think I'll be able to eat one for a very long time.

Buffy: I'd like to... We'd like to talk to you.

The Mayor: Oh, you must be one of Rupert Giles' kids! Funny story, I killed and ate his last girlfriend. Well, funny to me, certainly not funny to him, but go on. You were saying?

Buffy: Uh-. (shakes head to clear it) I want you to check the boxes on-

The Mayor: No, no, no. That won't do. Gosh, you were doing such a terrific job at making me feel like I wasn't in this box (smiles, shakes head with chagrin) and now you just want to jump into telling me what to do? Not very Watcher's Council of you. Come to think of it, yes it is. Continue. Please.

Buffy: As I was sayi-

The Mayor: You know, sorry to interrupt, but you know I wonder why Giles had to send a rookie to me. Probably has every agent off working the JC Penny's Killer case, huh? How many girls has he attacked now, five? Six? Slippery one... You know, I get the Reader's Digest every week, but they don't have the reason behind the name. They DO have Family Circus, and I tell you... Scamps. Every last one of them. (Laughs, then is serious.) Tell me. Why that name?

Buffy: It... it started as a joke in the retrieval department. He steals their clothes after giving them horrible make-overs. But- the clothes... They are all knock offs and cheap. Pieces of the clothes are found. He does... horrible things to them.

The Mayor: (laughing) Sounds like a real nut-job! Not a very fun thing to read about... Tell me why YOU think he does it. Show me how smart you are, Kitten.

Buffy: He... It excites him. Most criminals like him like to have trophies.

The Mayor: You are so ambitious, aren't you? Ya little climber. I know the type, with your bottle-blonde hair and your stylish, yet affordable clothes. Working with the Watcher's Council may have given you strength, and skill, but you aren't more than one generation from your mother. Ha! Fooled you. Now run along. "Wheel of Fortune" is coming on, and I don't want to miss it. It's college week! Run along now, Princess.

Buffy: But the questionnaire-

The Mayor: I hate filling in those little bubble things. I remember back in the day before those pesky scan-trons. I gave a stern talking-to to the proctor of the test I was sitting for. Gosh, anyone could make a mistake grading those blue notebooks... Believe you me, he knew my stance on test taking after that day. Now, you scoot along. Be sure to wash your hands!

(Frustrated, and with tears stinging her eyes, Buffy runs down the hall to the gate. She passes Angel/Angelus' cell where a *thwackthwackthwack* noise can be heard)

Angel/Angelus: I grew up centuries ago on a large farm. This is how we blew our noses!

(He holds one nostril closed and blows hard out of the other. A large wad of mucus splats on Buffy's cheek. Horrified, she reaches up with a shaking hand, trying to keep the tears at bay)

The Mayor: Miss Summers! Buffy!

(Buffy runs back to his cell)

The Mayor: I'm terribly sorry about that. Must be absolutely disgusting. Some people just have no manners whatsoever. And the thing is, I KNOW he has tissues...Go ahead and hand me that questionnaire.

(Buffy slides it through the mail slot. She hears a *plop* as something small and rectangular falls to the ground on her side.)

The Mayor: It's called a wet-nap. Genius, really. Now go clean yourself up. That's really starting to make me sick.

(Buffy turns to leave)

The Mayor: Oh, I forgot one more thing. Go to the third stall in the ladies restroom at the downtown Wal-Mart. You'll find some clues to help you with the JC Penny's Killer. I want you to find it and not waste anytime figuring out an anagram, or hidden message, or some such. Hurry along now! Don't forget to brush! (His voice rises as Buffy runs down the hall) Twice daily, and hopefully between snacks!

~~~
TBC and that happens here


Next stop on the fun train: Friday I'm taking a break from my life and getting drunk and hanging with crazydiamondsue and uberaeryn!! Woot!

Comments

( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
crayonbreakygal
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC)
Should we be scared that you can totally channel the Mayor? Spooky. I know there won't be as many wild antics as the last fic, but it's already off to a great start. You kind of surprised me with Angel. He's too gross and funny also.
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:19 pm (UTC)
The Mayor is my all-time most favorite villain EVER. Loved him. Know many people that talk like him... Thanks, BTW! I appreciate the compliment.

I'll assume that you HAVE seen The Silence of the Lambs, and as such, remind you of how horrifying it was... There very well could be some out-of-control writing. Fair warning! :-)
likeadeuce
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:19 pm (UTC)
sorry about the lousy week :( hope it gets better. . . though jealous of you hanging with the OKC crew!

and yet another brilliant parody -- how do you do it?

I just love the image of Giles saying this: Does he still think of me? Is he wearing the locket I gave him all those years ago?

have to admit I don't know SotL that well, and it's very likely that just reading this is going to give me bad dreams but :) them's the breaks.
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC)
CARRIE!!! How can we be each other's Dopplegangers (can that be plural?) if you don't know that movie by heart??!! I did a thesis on that movie. I can talk for HOURS about the nationalism vs. religion, glass ceiling for women, anti-abortion stance... It's one of the most right-wing movies EVER! On the surface. Go deeper and it shatters that. Condi never studied this movie... Hee!!

(Thanks, and you knew the snippy bit was for you, right? I kind of went off in your journal. Things are getting better and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... Love you. Seriously. *hugs*)
likeadeuce
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
um, did you go off in my journal? possibly I didn't see. if I did, I wasn't offended by any snippiness :)
likeadeuce
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
UVA is not a charm school!!!!
you know I did my undergrad there, right?

I totally understand what you are saying about this movie, and how it's all in there, but I just don't enjoy watching it on any level -- as is true of most things in the thriller/forensic genre. which is weird because I enjoy reading the stuff (though I've never read Harris) but the films just ain't for me.
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 05:00 pm (UTC)
Re: UVA is not a charm school!!!!
I love that line.

Now, about you not liking forensics movies... I don't watch any of the forensics-type shows (maybe Law and Order on occassion) and I DON'T read mysteries, etc. But I loved this movie on so many levels. I like pyscho-dramas.

I'm astounded. And learning things about you I wouldn't have imagined... (Terns nest there....)
inlovewithnight
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
Ah, the Mayor. I miss the Mayor.

::snuggles you:: Enjoy your drunken revelry!
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC)
Wheee!! May have to pop a bottle of something tonight. Is drinking alone sad?

(I miss the Mayor, too. The best Big Bad ever, IMO.)
inlovewithnight
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:58 pm (UTC)
Is drinking alone sad?

I've never had the slightest problem with it...;)
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
Ha!! Fucking lush.

*wink*
somecandytalkin
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:25 pm (UTC)
And the thing is, I KNOW he has tissues...
The lights are muted and soft, which makes the detention wing for the criminally insane more romantic than it already is. Cavern... passionately disturbed men... chains... Sound like anyone's kink?

Hee! Sign me up:)

Buffy: Nah, I internalize everything and it just makes me tougher.
Hey, me too, Buff. At least the first part...


I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
Have a fun fun weekend and write more of this soon!
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:32 pm (UTC)
Re: And the thing is, I KNOW he has tissues...
Thanks. I'm REEEEALLY looking forward to hanging with you next week. Being a single parent during the week (my husband travels Mon-Fri) is wearing me down. Soon it will be warm and the kids can ride their bikes and be gone for hours at a time... And I can putter in my garden and wear myself out.

Should have some tomorrow....
somecandytalkin
Feb. 2nd, 2005 10:39 pm (UTC)
Re: And the thing is, I KNOW he has tissues...
Meee too! It's fun to have something so cool to look forward to:)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
Stupid LJ ate my comment...

I thought the "American Gladiator" reference was too "outside." I know it was a huge hit, but I'm freaking random. Par for the course lately...

Did you go to the link for Mairzy Doats? A while back I mentioned that song and no one was familiar with it. Huh? Was I the only one who learned that in school, and then laughed when Laura Palmer's dad sang it faster and faster on the second season of Twin Peaks? Yes, Laura, of course you are the only one...

I, on the other hand, cannot WAIT to come up and see you and get sloshed. I need a night off, you know?
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 06:11 pm (UTC)
WHAT?!?! you don't know American Gladiator? They used to sit up on a platoform (the "gladiators" in all their beefed up steroid glory) and shoot the contestants with tennis balls from a harpoon launcher!! And the "Hang Time" challenge was a bunch of hoops along a vaulted ceiling (think: 30 feet high) and you had to swing fro one side to the other. But there was a Gladiator on the other side who would swing to you and yank you off and watch you fall.

It was insane. It was Pre-NASCAR WT glory. Nitro, Diamond, Ice, Blaze... All regular Gladiators.

Is the couch magic? I'm all for getting drunk and slipping into your "sleeping arrangements." Hee!!
timeofchange
Feb. 2nd, 2005 05:19 pm (UTC)
The Mayor! Whoohoo!
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
I love him!! Woot!
mskakaako
Feb. 2nd, 2005 05:26 pm (UTC)
Aw...sweetums, I'm sorry about what sounds like crappy RL stuff. I haven't read your new parody yet. I'm running out for a birthday dinner for my MIL, but I just wanted to hug and squeeze you. Anyway, let me know if you need anything...prayers, cds, chocolate...
Love you, Stoney! Oh, and have fun on Friday!
::smooshes you gently::
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
I'll be fine, and I heart you tons for the loving. And you gave me Michael and Gob love, so we're good here. :-)

*lets self be smooshed*
*smooshes you some, too*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: The Mayor was the BEST big bad ever. Loved him. I loved him SO HARD.

He's been traveling like this since August. Leaves at 4AM on Monday, home on Friday morning or lunchtime. Eeeeevery week. Took us a bit to get used to, but now I realize that I have one less messy body to clean up after. :-) But when things fall apart, you don't have your partner to be there and tag you out, you know? Bleh. Enough of that.

I'm so happy you'll like this one! (At least, for now....)
elcazavampiros
Feb. 2nd, 2005 06:45 pm (UTC)
Brilliant!

crazydiamondsue told me to read it, then made me read it out loud to her. On the part where it was Angel in the next cell, I commented that the part where Miggs throws the cream of cum on Clarice is the part of the movie that freaks me out the most. Sue said that it was something else in your story. Knowing Angel, I was hoping it was hair gel, but yours was ickier.

Also, I suppose that this weekend I will be invisible. Since you didn't mention seeing me. I'll be living in the attic, playing the flute. See you then. (But you won't see me. Ha ha ha. <== wicked laugh)

*Pouts because of my invisibility*
stoney321
Feb. 2nd, 2005 06:51 pm (UTC)
*sings*
Ooooh, Ladies first, ladies first...

So solly. This weekend is about me packing your HOUSE for YOU. And you bitch at me? I'm pooping in your kitchen as soon as I get there.

SUe gave me the run down. Hello to you for a minute or so, then bye, bye fellas and uberaeryn, Sue and I are getting drunk. Then she's putting me to work on Saturday wrapping wine glasses. I didn't realize I would be allowed to consort with the men-folk when I gots ta earn my keep.

:-) (And I'm sorry the Farmer's Blow - also known as a Coach Blow - squicked you. It's a disturbing scene in the movie, to be sure.)

*rocks out to your jazz flute*
elcazavampiros
Feb. 3rd, 2005 01:11 pm (UTC)
I didn't mean to sound snippy. I do appreciate you coming an helping with the packing and shit. I also look forward to having your effulgent presence in our humble abode.
jamalov29
Feb. 3rd, 2005 01:06 am (UTC)
Laura , I'm sorry that you had a rough time during these last days.

Hope everything will turn better , and if you're going out Friday night it's great!

*love and hugs*
stoney321
Feb. 3rd, 2005 05:22 am (UTC)
Thank you Caroline. My husband comes home late tonight, and his presence will be a weight off my shoulders.

Then it's wine, women, and song Friday!

*hugs you back*
uberaeryn
Feb. 3rd, 2005 04:16 am (UTC)
I'd fuck the Mayor. I'd fuck him SO HARD!

Really, he was just a nice guy that consorted with demons and wanted to be all-poweful and crap. Who doesn't do that?

LOVE THIS, esp. the Mayor and Angel with the snot. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bad week for me, too. Off to Bennigan's to pretend it never happened. Am getting my hair done and teeth whitened just for you. I might need some of that hangover crap you guys took for New Year's. WOOT!
stoney321
Feb. 3rd, 2005 05:23 am (UTC)
I know right? Those clean hands and always having cookies? I think I just made my pants all swampy...

Teeth whitened? Shit, girl, I have folks in my family with tube tops for formal wear. And I'm bringing ChaseersTM: check.
melbournegirl
Feb. 3rd, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)
Man, I love your parodies. Have you heard the song, "Lotion" by the greenskeepers? Its incredibly creepy. They cut together clips from the movie for the video clip. I think you can see it at www.greenskeepers.com
stoney321
Feb. 3rd, 2005 10:48 am (UTC)
Well, thank you! Hopefully you'll feel comfortable commenting here so I can get to know you better!

I'll check out the link, ASAP. Did you ever hear about the "Silence of the Lambs - The Musical?" It's hilarious. Well, in doses. If I can remember the link, I'll post it here for you.

And comment away! (I have an affinity for the Aussies and Kiwis on my flist...)
melbournegirl
Feb. 4th, 2005 08:04 am (UTC)
Will do. In fact, I'll even friend you. And don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't friend me back.
lynnenne
Feb. 3rd, 2005 06:05 am (UTC)
"Silence of the Lambs" is one of my favorite movies ever. You've just made it even better. Thank you!
stoney321
Feb. 3rd, 2005 10:49 am (UTC)
*meep!* I'll do my best to not make it totally suck...

I still get "damn you, Stoney!" emails about "Grease" not being the same...
lynnenne
Feb. 3rd, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
LMAO! I still go around the house singing "Hopelessly Embedded In You"!
sangueuk
Feb. 3rd, 2005 06:29 am (UTC)
sorry you've had a shit week and I totally get that this place is a hole to run and hide to. I love that you are getting so much positive fb and are making such great friends. :::hugs you hard:::
stoney321
Feb. 3rd, 2005 10:52 am (UTC)
**hugs you, too**

You would get where I was coming from on the stress. Got good news from doctors today, so feeling giddy and not "black cloudy."

It's funny: you commented back to me in your journal about the "indepth discussions" happening in your journal and all I have is poke the clown stuff here. I think lately I've been in a mindset where life is angsty as all hell, and I want to come here and talk with friends, or make people laugh. <-- That's really the only thing in my life that is a constant. I miss being on stage with a mic and people laughing with me. This is second best. Well, third. Being on SNL would be the next best. :-)
sangueuk
Feb. 3rd, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
you know i'm taking the piss out of myself re in-depth, right? I like he poke the clown stuff a lot - trouble is I feel like I'm losing my sense of humour sometimes. In the sense of I can't be funny like I used to. RL has done that to me.

I get how wonderful it is to have so much contact with people on here - it's great although my flist is eeny weeny compared to yours and I think mostly I depress the shit out of them :::rolls eyes:::

I don't know what the doctor stuff is but, shit, fucking glad you're ok.

I'd kill to see to you on stage with a mic!
paynbow
Feb. 4th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
Awesome! I love the mayor as Hannible Lector!

Can SO not! I totally use the best in organic personal hygiene care. Baring that, I shove an entire vanilla bean up my nani to make everything smell tip-top. Makes all of me smell vanilla scented, so CAN. NOT.

*snicker*
_beetle_
Feb. 8th, 2005 01:38 am (UTC)
[CUT TO: Interior of Rupert Giles office. There are pictures of vampires standing over bloody corpses. Fortunately they are drawings - and not very good ones - so we can maintain our PG-13 rating.]

ROTFLMAO! Eeeek! The flashcard monsters! Run, Chow Ann!

Giles: (sighs) Yes, I know that, but I cannot spare a single agent on something so trivial. I am working on a profile of our more psychotic demons we've captured, and this particular one is giving us more than a bit of grief. Do you spook easily, Miss Summers?

Buffy: Nah, I internalize everything and it just makes me tougher.


Sad, but true. . . .

[CUT TO: Inside of the asylum, Dr. Snyder's office. Snyder is a short, balding man with square, yellowed teeth. He smells of urine. He looks pissy, so it's natural he would smell pissy. He is instructing Buffy on hospital procedure]

What is it with you and the urine? Not that I'm complaining =D

Snyder: Armadillos. It's rare to see one alive.

Buffy: Were we... talking about armadillos?

Snyder: No. I wanted to make sure you knew what we were dealing with.

Buffy: Small animals that roll up into a ball and are nocturnal?

Snyder: NO! That is the kind of attitude that is going to get a person expelled from this facility.


Your characterization is flawless and hilarious. The dynamic between them is spot on *smooches*

Angel/Angelus: I can smell your cunt.

Buffy: Ewww! Can not!

Angel/Angelus: Can, too!

Buffy: Can SO not! I totally use the best in organic personal hygiene care. Baring that, I shove an entire vanilla bean up my nani to make everything smell tip-top. Makes all of me smell vanilla scented, so CAN. NOT.


I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! *genuflects madly*

The Mayor: Now, now, no need to feel embarrassed. After all, it wasn't YOU that used such language. I won't have anyone speaking to a guest, especially not a lady guest, in that manner. What was it that he said?

Buffy: Um... He said he could smell my cunt. But it's totally good smelling, like fresh baked cookies or a milkshake.

The Mayor: (blinks several times) I like fresh baked cookies. And milkshakes. I don't think I'll be able to eat one for a very long time.

Buffy: I'd like to... We'd like to talk to you.

The Mayor: Oh, you must be one of Rupert Giles' kids! Funny story, I killed and ate his last girlfriend. Well, funny to me, certainly not funny to him, but go on. You were saying?


Okay. I've pretty much run out of ways to tell you how wonderful your writing is, so I'm just gonna make porpoise noises, from now on. Eeee! Eee! Eee!

The Mayor: Oh, I forgot one more thing. Go to the third stall in the ladies restroom at the downtown Wal-Mart. You'll find some clues to help you with the JC Penny's Killer. I want you to find it and not waste anytime figuring out an anagram, or hidden message, or some such. Hurry along now! Don't forget to brush! (His voice rises as Buffy runs down the hall) Twice daily, and hopefully between snacks!

He still creeps me out more than the Hannibal Lector in the movies *shudders*
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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