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AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T DIE FROM PORKING A WASP'S NEST. 140+ stings, 54 of them on his wang.

WARNING ABOUT THAT LINK: a man grabs a handful of wasps before the story starts and I am covered in hives just from that.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS ENOUGH, PEOPLE. That is just freaking enough. Honestly? I think there needs to be MORE OF THIS HAPPENING to thin the herd. This is mother nature's way of culling the flock, this I believe.

Hey, guys! I thought I had a rough morning, and now I'm too shocked and baffled to remember what the hell even caused my frustration. Sounds like I need to eat a plate of French fries and have some cheesecake because LIFE IS SHORT. Especially when you poke your hose where it doesn't belong.

Fun fact: I am DEATHLY allergic to wasps. I'm very allergic to bees, but wasps can kill me. I almost died when I was a kid when four yellow jackets stung my shoulder and I went into cardiac arrest and my throat closed up. I AM A LITTLE STRESSED ABOUT THIS STORY. And also I am laughing, because that man clearly needed to die.
Poll #1913609 Quick Looksee Into Who Would Be Interested

If Laura was to have a weekly/bi-weekly online chat where she answered gardening questions, I would

be interested in participating, either by watching or sending in a question.
not interested because I don't garden, am not into that topic, or other reason.

When in need:

French fries! (Mm, salty goodness.)
Chocolate! (Mm, repair Dementor damage.)
Green peas! (Mm, I'm a weirdo.)
Booze! (Mm, smells of Mother...)
Glue sticks! (I'm Ralphie Wiggums.)


( 47 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 14th, 2013 07:51 pm (UTC)
I went booze because I need a calming drink (or four) after that story. I almost hyperventilated (I'm terrified of bees and wasps).
May. 14th, 2013 07:57 pm (UTC)
I AM TERRIFIED OF WASPS. I have a healthy fear of bees, but can garden alongside them (I'm very good at being still and checking before I reach in).

WASPS. Oh my god. I just think of mud daubers and how freaking INSANE they are and.... yeah. Booze, for sure.
May. 16th, 2013 12:50 am (UTC)
Wasps, man. WHat the fuck was wrong with that guy?
May. 14th, 2013 07:53 pm (UTC)
Gardening chat! I'm too many timezones away to participate properly, not to mention gardening for your climate and gardening for mine might as well be tailored to different planets, but... you could share the results here later? Because, gardening! \o/
May. 14th, 2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
We'd put all of the chats online so they could be accessed at any point (and I'll make sure they're available across the pond, too!)

Most of the topics I'll bring up on the show/web-chats would be basic understanding of why things happen, and that can translate to most climates! <3 <3
May. 14th, 2013 07:53 pm (UTC)
"That day sucked ass, but at least I didn't die from porking a wasp's nest."

^^ my new motto for life
May. 14th, 2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA, this needs to be on a cross stitch sampler in your house STAT!
May. 14th, 2013 07:56 pm (UTC)
I find it to be a great irony in your life that you are so allergic to bees and wasps and yet are such a passionate gardener and flower-lover. Living life on the edge! :D
May. 14th, 2013 07:59 pm (UTC)
I'm so punk rock! :D

(Hahaha.) Bees and me...we've got an understanding. I provide them all sorts of food sources and they don't sting me. Wasps, on the other hand, are total jerks. (And I have a new nest growing in my front porch ceiling and need to get the bug bomb going. D:)
May. 14th, 2013 08:10 pm (UTC)
If I had a garden I would love to learn about gardening. I am saddened that I have no garden.

On the plus side, I do have chocolate cake and wine.
May. 14th, 2013 08:22 pm (UTC)
The chocolate and wine TOTALLY make up for the garden. The most work you have to do is uncorking and unwrapping! :D
May. 14th, 2013 08:12 pm (UTC)
I chose French fries, chocolate AND booze, because I need it after that story, WTF?
May. 14th, 2013 08:23 pm (UTC)
YOU ARE WISE. (I chose those things, too. Because WHAT WAS THAT MORON THINKING?! Omg.)
May. 14th, 2013 09:00 pm (UTC)
I think I know the winner of the next Darwin Award (and he's knock-knock-knocking on heaven's durr)!

I suffered a horrible encounter with a wasp nest when I was a kid (the wasps won) and am also allergic to wasps and bees. Even without these in my background, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be PURPOSEFULLY PUTTING ANY BODY PART INTO A WASP NEST. What in the holy smokes is WRONG with people?!?

Send booze and salty fries covered in chocolate (yeah, I said it), stat! I need something to help me forget...
May. 14th, 2013 09:09 pm (UTC)
LOL - Ay, Ay, hey hey yeah!

I AM STILL BLOWN AWAY BY HIS URGE TO PUT HIS MANHOOD IN THE GAPING JAW OF DOOM. I have seen some weird ass shit in my life, but this takes the cake.

*tops off your wine glass*
May. 14th, 2013 09:16 pm (UTC)
Bahahaaaaa! I haven't been on the LJ in, well, years, but I came here today and read this and it made my day. Also? You broke my kid, who came home from a grueling day of junior high, read this, and is now into minute 7 of hysterical, incapacitating laughter. I give it 3 more minutes, and then I'm coming at her with the cold, wet cloth and a light misting of rescue remedy.

In short, THANK YOU.
May. 14th, 2013 09:23 pm (UTC)
Hey, stranger!! Good to see your name on my flist, again! <3 So happy to make you both laugh.

*big, squishy hugs*
May. 14th, 2013 09:29 pm (UTC)
And of course he is swedish... *dies laughing*
May. 14th, 2013 09:32 pm (UTC)

OMG, I am still covered in hives.
May. 14th, 2013 09:36 pm (UTC)
Only if the peas are fresh from the garden -- I'm doing sugar snap peas this year, please send good wishes!
May. 14th, 2013 11:26 pm (UTC)
Mmmmmm, fresh peas!! This is the first year I've not grown sugar snap peas, and I am now hungry for them. ;)
May. 14th, 2013 09:38 pm (UTC)
Happy to say that at my advanced age, I am no longer paralyzed by my fear of bees (many unpleasant childhood memories from stings among my pleasant memories of running barefoot in our clover lawn.). Now, the "Jackass" aspect of tempting fate/nature for me, yes, equals natural selection! Generous applications of cheesecake, fries, chocolate, alcohol, or other substances are definitely indicated to cope with that story! I will gladly follow your gardening tips as I plan my dream and/or retirement garden. Love this!
May. 14th, 2013 11:27 pm (UTC)
That is wonderful that you're not afraid of them, even though you have an allergy like mine! (Oh, barefoot romps through clover... *sobs with want*)

I am going to apply that cheesecake directly to my face. <3
(Deleted comment)
May. 14th, 2013 11:29 pm (UTC)
Wasps are the Killer Whales of the insect world. Just needlessly cruel. I mean, hello: YELLOW JACKETS. They're a bullying gang.

If I had fancy lady money, I would just redo your garden for you! Or send you pictures or some shit, IDK, I'm super tired tonight. :D

Let's put our feet up and do some Charisma Nipples.
May. 14th, 2013 11:11 pm (UTC)
I need your gardening advice, so I would totally tune in for chat or online eps or aired eps or whatever, I am totally on board.

I admit, I read wasps and death and skipped ahead, because now I am paranoid there are wasps in here trying to kill me, okay?
May. 14th, 2013 11:25 pm (UTC)
I AM GOING TO USE MY MIND RAYS TO KILL ANY WASPS THAT ARE NOT - REPEAT: ARE NOT IN YOUR HOUSE. They're miles and miles away. Across state lines, even.

Yay for gardening tip show!!!! <3 <3 <3
May. 15th, 2013 12:41 am (UTC)
I would read a record of your chat, but I probably wouldn't participate live because of work. Stupid bills.
May. 15th, 2013 12:57 am (UTC)
No problem! We'd put it up on the web to be viewed at any time, so WIN WIN. :D
May. 15th, 2013 01:36 am (UTC)
I am averting my eyes from even your description of the story, because OMG WASPS SHUDDER.

Stoney, I want so much to plant my tomatoes! But there is all this stuff about ~~soil temperature~~ and I'm wondering if I just take my probe thermometer to the garden!?
May. 15th, 2013 01:48 am (UTC)
ARGH, tomatoes are tough. You need the soil to be about 70 degrees. to really get them to thrive. (You can actually kill the roots if you plant it when it's still cold. But that's when the ground is close to 50.)

Are daffodils done in your area? Is it solidly above 50F at night? You're probably okay, then. TRICK: your tomato plants need to be stripped of the lower leaves and planted all the way down to the NEXT set of leaves like THIS. You'll have a stronger root system, ergo, stronger plants. :D

If you really want to jump start, plant them near cement - the sidewalk, street, a retaining wall. You'll get all of that reflective heat warming up the soil.

(And I have been horrible about replying to old posts, so I wanted to thank you for your links to help my blog. THANK YOU!)
May. 15th, 2013 02:22 am (UTC)
I... do not think I could pick a daffodil out of a lineup without using google image search to cheat. :) But it looks like this week we'll finally be above 50F at night! I just get confused about soil temperature vs air temperature. The googles are full of contradictions.

I knew about the leaf-stripping, but that picture is the first indication I've seen that says to put the root-ball side-ways. Interesting.

Our plot's in the middle of the community garden, so there is nothing nearby. (Bonus, at least, being the full sun all day.)

Oh, awesome - did one of those tips end up leading you to something that worked?
May. 15th, 2013 02:41 am (UTC)
skip the daffodils. Watch the local temps. The longer you can hold out, the better off you'll be. The closer to 70 your lows are, the better your tomatoes will do, promise. Soil vs. air: air is WAY WARMER FASTER than soil temp. The ground takes a long time to warm up, that's basically all you need to know.

That picture is one of the only ones I've ever seen that actually shows the best way to plant. You end up with twice the roots that way. More roots, healthier plant, more tomatoes. :)

May. 15th, 2013 03:11 am (UTC)
I will try to be patient! *chews on fingernails* And when the time comes, I'll definitely go for twice the roots.

Glad that stuff worked. Hey, look at that; the stuff I do for a living is semi-useful; who knew. ;)
May. 15th, 2013 02:26 am (UTC)
I love the idea of talking gardening with you, but am not reliable about tuning into regularly scheduled things.
May. 15th, 2013 02:41 am (UTC)
No worries! That's the beauty of the net, the end result will be waiting for you. :D
May. 15th, 2013 02:43 am (UTC)
I would so be down for a gardening chat! I'm dipping my toes in the water, so to speak and attempting to have a pretty front yard for once. And now that I'm not pregnant and can bend over and weed the yard, I can put some effort into it!
May. 15th, 2013 08:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, hooray! And they'll all be cataloged online so you can find them (and resources) whenever you need!
May. 15th, 2013 08:01 am (UTC)
I'm a bit sceptic to the news story. Googling it in swedish only shows nyheternasveriges.com's story. And that is not a respectable newspaper in sweden. I'd compare it to the Weekly World News. Other hints that it's fake includes witness statements from a neighbour whose last name is a swedish slang word for erection, and a psychologist who's last name is a swedish word for vigina... ;)
May. 15th, 2013 02:02 pm (UTC)
The point of me posting that story was to break the chains of a bad day - it doesn't really matter if it's true or not. DId you laugh? Cringe? Forget your troubles? Mission accomplished.

Just because this is a journal doesn't mean I'm a journalist. ;)
May. 15th, 2013 10:32 am (UTC)
Apparently it's a joke story?
May. 15th, 2013 02:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, I don't actually care if it's true or not. It made me laugh, I was having a bad day and the idea of that story cracked me up? *shrug*

The whole point of the post was to jump start a bad day.
May. 15th, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
Fries is the answer to everything, especially during this time.
May. 15th, 2013 08:52 pm (UTC)
May. 15th, 2013 05:53 pm (UTC)
Ooooh, garden chat! Lord knows I'm in dire need of help with my yards, so any information I can get will go a long way toward making me feel like less of a bad homeowner. (Shifting from apartment living to a house with yards? Not as smooth as I'd hoped.)

Also, I didn't even read the entire article, and I'm doing the twitchy-dance just thinking about the wasps. Bleh *flails*
May. 15th, 2013 08:53 pm (UTC)
Oh, I will be SUPER HAPPY to provide any information that I can to help, since you are my target audience! :D

May. 19th, 2013 07:56 am (UTC)
I would be all over that garden chat. My yard is wreck and I don't have a clue. LOL
( 47 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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