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Whee!! Phun for Phriday! And GIP!!

I was thinking about who is the most broken character in Jossverse. I think Connor, hands down. So I made a mental list of the 5 most damaged players in the Joss-world, and naturally I thought about group therapy, and then this came out.

Lighthearted, hopefully funny, PG rated, I give you:
Let Go and Let Joss
~*~*~*~*

"No, you want room #213 down the hall. This is the Gay-Sex Addiction Support Group."

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce considers the information, begins to walk out of the room and mutters, "Meetings on Tuesdays. Check."

He rounds the corner and walks three doors down until he reaches 213. He opens the door and steps in. The meeting has already begun.

"Well, hello there! Are you in the right spot?"

"Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, I was told -"

"Hi there, Wesley! We've been waiting for you." The slight man that is leading the group motions with his head to an empty seat. Two large men step out of the corner and frisk him. "Sorry. Policy." The man looks over his clipboard. "It seems it's a necessity with you. Goodness." Page flipping. "Seems like you won't be without something to share tonight!"

Wesley hears a snide laugh from his left. He looks up, surveys this group he is being forced to join. It's Willow, but - not. She has black hair and the worst tatooes he's ever- Oh. Those are her veins.

"Did widdle Wesley not clip his nails one day? Did you fall over and trip someone? What the hell are you doing here?"

"I could take you-" Wesley begins choking, eyes bugging in his head.

"Miss Rosenberg. Miss Rosenberg! We've talked about using your powers in here. This is a safe place. A place where we can let down our walls and talk it out."

"Bored now."

"This insolent black-haired one speaks to you. It appears the flea has no respect for the dog on which it feeds."

"Illyria. That was a very good observation. But last week we talked about using our 'feeling' words. Using words to attack each other is only going to hurt you in the end. All of that anger will build up inside of you-"

"When I ruled this world I would have fed you to my lower beings."

"Okay, I hear you're angry. Let's go with that."

"She's all crackly blue like my Spike when the bad bad men put a metal spider in his head." Drusilla, eyes closed and swaying in her chair, waves her hand near Illyria's arm, just out of reach.

Illyria crosses her arms in front of her chest. "I wish to sit somewhere else. It pleases me to take the chair occupied by Wesley."

"You can't keep me here. You can't make me stay here."

The leader of the group adjusts his eyeglasses, crosses his legs at the knee and regards the slight boy over them. "Connor, we've had this discussion every week. He Who Owns Us All has ordered that you five come here and work through your problems. How any of you made it this far is beyond me. Connor, we haven't heard from you in a very long time. Last session you spoke in..." he flips through his clipboard, "...let's see. We spoke about your father."

"He's not my father!"

"Well, kiddo, technically he is. None of us really knows how but that isn't the issue. You talked about how he was "evil." Now, let's go from that point. What about him is so 'evil?'"

"You're joking right? He's a serial killer! A filthy vampire!"

"A half-breed."

"Illyria, Connor has the floor. Go on. Vampire....?"

Connor hunches down into his chair, arms crossed, filthy bangs in his face, lip in a pout. "He's disgusting. I don't want to talk anymore."

"Alright. I'm proud of you for speaking up. Maybe next time. Wesley... We haven't heard from you. Why do you think you're here?"

"You can't seriously expect me to 'share my feelings' with this group."

The group leader takes a deep, sad breath. "Wesley, if you are here, there's a reason. Something inside of you is broken. I'm going to guess that it's been this way for a while. You look like a fella who is lonely. Wesley, 'Sharing is Caring.' Why don't you open up a bit and let us in?"

A moment's pause, Wesley shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and as he opens his mouth to begin the healing...

"Yeah. Daddy was sooo mean to you. Daddy made you act like a man. Daddy was embarassed when you tripped all over things. So big bad Wesley got a gun. A filthy... Cheating..." Evil!Willow begins to crackle with energy, her eyes moving to all black. "Disgusting FUCKING GU-"

She's knocked back into the wall. Illyria cocks her head to the left as if to sense if the girl will get up off the floor. "I believe Wesley was speaking. Wesley. As this worm says, 'Sharing is Caring.' I believe I care. I would like to explore this."

The group leader sits in stunned silence. After a few breaths, "Oh, well done! It would be best if you didn't resort to violence, but I'm so pleased with-"

"Enough. I wish to hear Wesley. Speak."

"Uh, could somebody get her off of me?"

The group turns to see Drusilla standing behind Connor, braiding his hair and sniffing behind his ears. "He smells of Daddy. Not wet back here. No, our Daddy is too tricksy for that. Mmmmmm."

Connor begins to blush. "He's not my father! You can't do... that... with your father!"

Drusilla begins to run her hands up and down Connor's body. "Mmm. I know, baby brother. Daddy gets what daddy wants." She pouts, hands shaking in front of her, "He stopped hurting me."

"Drusilla, you wanted him to hurt you? Your father?"

Wesley speaks up, "It isn't- HE isn't her father. He is her Sire. I want that clear so we don't delve into icest or something."

Connor shifts in his seat uncomfortably. Evil!Willow stands up, uses the back of her hand to daub at the blood on her lip, and regards Illyria with a grin. "Huh. You broke me. I didn't think I could be."

"Hey, I said that! That's mine!" Connor looks at everyone, then eases back into his chair. "I hate this place."

The door bursts open and Spike enters, leather duster swirling at his legs. "Is this the Gay Sex support group?"

"NO!" the group shouts in unison.

"Right. Have your little tea party. Hang on - Dru? I thought you were in South America?"

"Oh, Daddy knows. Daddy makes me come with a flick of his wrist and the tip-type on his box of letters."

"Angel?"

"No, not that Daddy. Our All of Ours Daddy." Drusilla begins to rub her cheeks and grind her hips into the air.

"Right. Down the hall then?" And Spike leaves the room.

"Wesley. Your face is leaking. We will leave and explore this." Illyria cocks her head and looks deep into his eyes. " 'Sharing is Caring.' I will now 'Drop this zero,' " she looks to the group leader, "and 'get with a hero.' "

Connor looks at the group. "You're all a bunch of lunatics."

Drusilla, still behind the boy, is bouncing on her toes, working her hands up and under his thin t-shirt. "Mummy loves us. Daddy loves us. I want a party. I want you to be my present. Beautiful boy. Taste," hip grind, "so," hip grind, "good."

Connor looks up at her face. "Yeah, alright."

"I think we've made excellent progress today. Our time's up. We'll meet back here next week, same time? Okay then!"
~*~*~*~*~*

I'm off to become drunker and watch Anchorman. Stay Classy!

Comments

( 60 comments — Leave a comment )
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inlovewithnight
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
God, I am laughing so hard I can't see. Please tell me I'm on your agenda for next weekend. Otherwise there will be stalking. :)
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
WHEE!! Yep - you going to have email next week? I'll get a location for the drop. I mean the meet. Huh? Also, I'm drinking.

Don't stalk me! I will buy you a latte or something!
... - inlovewithnight - Mar. 18th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Mar. 18th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
viciouswishes
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:31 pm (UTC)
Lol. We all know that they needed counseling, but maybe group therapy wasn't the best idea. ;)
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:43 pm (UTC)
Ha! I am now wanting some Dru/Connor fic.

Oh, hell, who am I kidding? I want anyone/Connor.

LOL with you!
julia_here
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:32 pm (UTC)
You are a very silly woman, that's all there is to it.

I'm so glad about that.

And I'd love to see an Illyria/Evil Willow smackdown go on for pages, because neither of them has the sense to quit.

Julia, laughter is the best medicine, or something
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
If only this could translate into Pfizer or GlaxoSmithCline money. Poop.

I would LOVE to read some Evil!Willow/Illyria fic!

I have a huuuuge layover coming up, will print off the final Tuesday installment of Irish Roses and pass the time joyfully.
... - julia_here - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
reremouse
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC)
"I believe Wesley was speaking. Wesley. As this worm says, 'Sharing is Caring.' I believe I care. I would like to explore this."

bwah! This needs a 'do not drink while reading' warning!

You're funny. I like you.
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
You're talented. I like YOU.

As I mentioned to Julia, I have a huuuuge layover (both directions *whimper*) coming up, and plan on having Snakes and Ladders to catch up.

And the simplicity of your wine icon pleases me. :-)
... - reremouse - Mar. 18th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Mar. 18th, 2005 05:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
sdwolfpup
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
Sharing IS Caring!
That was hysterical. I loved Illyriz dropping the zerio to get with a hero. Hehehehe!
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
Barbie'll put the smackdown on ya
Dag, yo, that bitch be all up in her Grill! Oh no she di'int!

Hee!!
Re: Barbie'll put the smackdown on ya - sdwolfpup - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Barbie'll put the smackdown on ya - julia_here - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
I'm not unlike this. - stoney321 - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Re: I LOVE MY ICON!!! - stoney321 - Mar. 18th, 2005 06:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
beadattitude
Mar. 18th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
Oh good lord, I needed that. Hee. Great Dru voice!
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 06:52 pm (UTC)
Bwah! I should write and drink champagne more often.
hellespont
Mar. 18th, 2005 06:31 pm (UTC)
First I was snickering about them frisking Wesley because he's just totally incapable of not packing heat, but then the bit with Willow screaming about a "disgusting fucking gun" just hit me like a ton of bricks. That is so sad/scary/appropriate/cool. I wish they'd done it in the show.

Also, am I alone her in thinking that Illyria and Drusilla could be a really hilarious butch-femme couple?
stoney321
Mar. 18th, 2005 06:53 pm (UTC)
He IS totally incapable of not packing heat!

I like the idea of Illyria/Dru, but it makes me think of Darla/Dru. I want to read Evil!Willow/Illyria!

You up for some writin'? :-D

And where are the Faith strap-on fics??
cityphonelines
Mar. 18th, 2005 08:02 pm (UTC)
I seriously read the first bit repeatedly with childlike tittering! Thank you for the much needed giggles!

Hey, wanna trade drinks? I'm gettin' bored with my Gin and Tonic extra squeeze of lime.
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:39 am (UTC)
Mojito, my Sweetmex. MOJITO! It tastes even better with tequila instead of rum. Mmmm.

Tequila.
... - cityphonelines - Mar. 19th, 2005 10:49 am (UTC) - Expand
somecandytalkin
Mar. 18th, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC)
Wow, it *is* phun Phriday!
Hee!
I lurved it.
Irrationally delighted by these bits of pherfection:

Connor shifts in his seat uncomfortably.
OMG!
AND the pherfect Spikeness of "Right. Down the hall then?" And Spike leaves the room.
Ha ha ha!
Hi Spike! Glad you're here!
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:44 am (UTC)
Re: Wow, it *is* phun Phriday!
Hee!! Um, did anyone notice that Dru figured out that Connor is no longer "wet behind the ears" when it comes to having, um, Angel's scent on him?

I'm a perv! (Psst: I made Angel use his tears as lube in the 'What's in a Name?' fic. I'm WRONG.)
Daddy gets what daddy wants - somecandytalkin - Mar. 19th, 2005 09:31 am (UTC) - Expand
paynbow
Mar. 18th, 2005 09:18 pm (UTC)
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You look like a fella who is lonely. Wesley, Sharing is Caring. Why don't you open up a bit and let us in?"

Oh, god! I could just imagine someone saying that to Wes...and the blank look that would follow! It's genius, I tell you! *g*

Btw, thanks so much for sending the beta back! *smooches*
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:45 am (UTC)
Heee!!!!

And forgive me!! I'm a flake!!
... - paynbow - Mar. 19th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
crayonbreakygal
Mar. 18th, 2005 09:31 pm (UTC)
"Gay-Sex Addiction Support Group." I think that says it all. Send the rest of the group over there. They'd have a lot more fun.

Wes packing heat? Can I frisk him?

Shoot. You can drink. I can't. ::sigh:: Oh, well. I think that you write much better when you're drunk. Or I'm just weird.
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:45 am (UTC)
I'll drink for you.

:-D
sangpassionne
Mar. 18th, 2005 10:14 pm (UTC)
ROTFLMAO!
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:45 am (UTC)
*joins you*
I'll try not to steamroller you.
greenstone_j
Mar. 19th, 2005 12:35 am (UTC)
LMAO...can I sign up for the Gay-Sex Addiction Support Group? Cause that sounds like it would be fun to watch too *grin*
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:46 am (UTC)
I want to join, too!! 10Q!
chantal87
Mar. 19th, 2005 04:04 am (UTC)
You freakin' kill me. You know that right? It's 7:00 in the morning and I am spitting coffee out of my nose with the laughing and spewing.

You're fabulous!
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:47 am (UTC)
Owchie!! Coffee from your nose?

*rinses you out with saline, tries to hide distaste*

Hee!
uberaeryn
Mar. 19th, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)
"This insolent black-haired one speaks to you. It appears the flea has no respect for the dog on which it feeds."

"Illyria. That was a very good observation. But last week we talked about using our "feeling" words. Using words to attack each other is only going to hurt you in the end. All of that anger will build up inside of you-"

***

BWAH!!!

Excellent.

*snickerss*
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:48 am (UTC)
HEE!!! now go read my incest porn! *cries, reaches, grabs air, sobs into the DIRT.*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Mar. 19th, 2005 06:49 am (UTC)
10Q, Jen!

(I had to write SOMETHING the majority of my flist would read, right? Hee hee!)
(Deleted comment)
likeadeuce
Mar. 19th, 2005 12:23 pm (UTC)
hee! this rules. I vote for lots of sex-type healing with Wes & Illyria, 'kay?
lynnenne
Mar. 19th, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
The door bursts open and Spike enters, leather duster swirling at his legs. "Is this the Gay Sex support group?"

HAHAHAHAHA!
hellziggy
Mar. 19th, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC)
Fabulous! You must write more about the group therapy! Your minions demand it!
tx_cronopio
Mar. 22nd, 2005 06:52 am (UTC)
oh, fun!!! Wish I was drinking. Alas, the gods expect me to work. Why, oh why???
violethamster
Mar. 27th, 2005 04:42 am (UTC)
Is it possible for me to love you more than I already did? You funny. And I'm shipping Connor/Dru and Evil!Willow/Illyria now. So you should write things about them *sits and waits, tapping foot*
mskakaako
Apr. 5th, 2005 10:29 pm (UTC)
Heeeheee! You see why I laugh? Crusilla is borne out of the funny and the crazy. I especially loved your Illyria. That girl is hilarious!! :D
viridian
Feb. 9th, 2006 01:21 am (UTC)
ohmygod.

I randomly found this somehow and just. Died.

Please tell me you wrote more of this type of hilarity?
stoney321
Feb. 9th, 2006 07:44 am (UTC)
That's some random click! And yes, some might say this is the vast majority of what I do. Feel free to peruse my memories - they're all stored there under "Parody fic." There's lots of other kinds, too.

Thanks for letting me know you laughed! :D
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( 60 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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