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Things that make you go ewwwww

Alert reader zyrya sent me a link for a terrificly horrible fic, and as a public service, I like to read bad(great!)fic and give you the "gist" of the crap, er genius. My personal favorite bad!fic writer has taken great pains to simply become ho-hum, so this was a welcome sight. Not to say my bad!fic writer hasn't given me a few gems lately...


Passages I have actually read today:

  • After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES. That is one bendy girl, or a very large stack of pillows the author failed to mention.

  • "Her scent was on his face, his lips and tongue THREATENING to ruin his hopes of enjoying his smokes and whiskey." You know... the vag gets a bad rap, but THREATENING to ruin smoke? Come on, man! Ever smelled a full and old ashtray?

  • "She missed the forbidden sweaty loving..." 'Cause if Buffy is one thing for sure, it's an up-tight WASP. Forbidden?? Does she practice Islam? Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.

  • When Buffy thinks of Spike, she closes her eyes, opens her mouth and lets her tongue out to moisten her lower lip. OMG, do this! You get bonus points if you made a "guuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" sound.

  • Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

  • </li>


And from PaganBaby... (no offense hon, but then... you didn't give us the same disclaimer, did you now?)

  • While being cornholed on the dinner table, Buffy gets *wait for it...* CLAM sauce in her hair. Spike notices (with distaste). After coitus, Buffy seductively lounges on the bed and goes about her business. With clam sauce matted in her hair.

  • Spike has a 12 inch cock (and he gained an inch only this month!) and likes to suck it himself. Which (of course) turns Buffy on. And he shoots ropey wads, almost gags, and she takes over because his "CREAMY PUDDING" [emphasis mine] is such a Haagen-Daaz treat.

  • Buffy is always frantically getting her clothes off and getting into position. Zoloft seems in order, after seeing the word at least five times in one chapter...

  • Buffy yips and barks when excited. Lassie from Porkys, anyone?

  • It's pleasurable when Spike's girth forces her "cuntlips" inward. No mention of chafing, pubic hairs being ripped out at their roots, dryness causing a sandpaper-esque sensation...



Phrases that cause me to gag whilst eating an apple and skimming through this fic, and thereby commanding that they be recorded in list form:

  • tree trunk cock

  • spewing cock

  • voluminous cream

  • overfilled pussy

  • mouth watered when she felt the cum running out of her

  • SHOVED the mushroomed head into

  • savored white hot GOO that just kept coming and coming

  • she wanted all of his jism

  • she swallowed and swallowed, almost gagging a few times when a particularly forceful blast hit the back of her throat


That was all in one paragraph. And emphasis mine. Shoved? Mmm. Baby, get the shoe horn. And axle grease. I want that drainage pipe wedged up my box so I can feel true joy. 12 inches?!? Did she surgically have her uterus and spleen and pancreas and the majority of her lower intestines removed to enable him to fit her "like a glove?" Does that make anyone else picture OJ jamming his hand into the shrunken leather of Exhibit A?

Imma go lie down now.

[ETA] because I forgot to turn my paper over. Yes, I take notes.


  • After deep YOGA BREATHING, Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers.

  • Spike has a horse cock. She likes to remind us of this fact. I think she's never seen a REAL horse cock, or she wouldn't be so cavalier with her word usage.

  • he "fires off salvos into her" And the rocket's red glare!/ The clam sauce in her hair/ Gave proof that this hack/ Writes bad!fic with no care...


Comments

( 98 comments — Leave a comment )
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tx_cronopio
Mar. 29th, 2005 03:54 pm (UTC)
Creamy Pudding? Hey, I LIKE giving head, but that one phrase is enough to make me celibate for a long long time.

Excuse me while I go shudder.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
Dude, I had to go back and add some more. WOW.

This chick has a seriously specific kink. One that I do NOT share.
paynbow
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:01 pm (UTC)
After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES.

Wow...that's SOME Missionary-position sex...what, was she kneeling and then she lay back while his enormous mushroom enchanted her forrest?

I think I've actually read that CREAMY PUDDING story. It rings a vague bell...and there is a story of Buffy as an Islamic teen? WHERE is this story and WHY have I not heard of it? Becuase FORBIDDEN love is such a rareity! And if it's sweaty? So much the better! :p

I think the moral of the story is never eat ANYTHING while reading bad!fic. I might have been put off apples for life...
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:31 pm (UTC)
Dude, I had to tack on a bit more. Go to badbuffyfic and it should be two or three posts back for the Islamic teen Buffy fic. It's HORRIBLE. And not in the fun way. No quotation marks to indicate speech, serious MarySue-ing...
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cityphonelines
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
cityphonelines
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC)
And of course that should say: I stumbled upon her and even bookmarked her SITE.

Comments need an edit button, fer real.
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mirasol
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
tree trunk cock? dwarf willow or sequioa?
mirasol
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
sequoia. damn.
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julissak01
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:10 pm (UTC)
Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

::spits out her coffee all over her lap top screen::

Meanie! Guuh. Not the sexually excited kind of 'guh', but the guh that makes me want to tear my hair out and pull an Angel celibacy complex out of my ass.

Reading bad fic is also such an ego booster. When you think your writing sucks, take a load of the twelve inch cock of DOOM, and you're cool.




stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)
Which is EXACTLY why I love to read it.

*grins*
julia_here
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:25 pm (UTC)
It's at moments like this that I appreciate my autodelete brain function for truly bad fic.

The detail of the clamsauce in hair is particularly WTF- because, you know, if a merely mediocre writer has a character get something icky on their person, it's for purposes of setting up Hot! Shower! Sex!, not to just gross the reader out for the moment and then be forgotten...

Julia, failing spectacularly in finishing Chapter 20, even though I know it just needs to go to the point where everyone's half way through the action or it'll run three times as long as usual
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
Ooh! And I saw you posted a new chapter today! Will add to my printed pile, as I was unable to read as much as I wanted on my trip...

And as to the clam sauce in her hair: she made a huge point in writing about Spike noticing it to what? Forget and move on to them remarking on their love for each other?

Oh! The end of the chapter indicates that Spike is not yet 18 in her fic. Which is just weird to me.
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stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC)
Vag Daniels™ is in the personal hygiene aisle of your local liquor store, Sue! Duh.

Next to the Bailey's Nipple-Soak™ and Cream of Cum™.

It's like you've never bought it, or something.
*boggles*
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radia
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
Oh god, PaganBaby. I remember reading one of her fics where Spike had a fourteen inch cock, and started spouting off like, gallons of "white, ropy cum."

Now I have a permamently disturbing mental image of him as the most unconventional Spiderman EVAR. Maybe I'll rewrite the themesong to fit our new cum-slinging hero!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
AHHHHH!!!

SPIDERMAN!!
*laughs uproariously*
*watches MrMonkeybottoms' Spiderman vid with newly awakened eyes*

I have skipped over her in the past... I just... It's that... Okay. I just got back from visiting my friend at a horse farm, and let's just say REAL horse cocks are FRIGHTENING and gross. Just... not a personal kink. And ropey come is funky, you know? Blech.
zyrya
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, the pain! The pain!

I can't think of anything less appealing than being "split" by anyone's "massive tool" for hours on end. Oh, no wait, I can ... being tool-split while lying in a bowl of clam sauce.

::shudders::
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC)
It's a close second to my personal (it's like she writes the stories for meeee) bad!fic writer who had Spike muse that he wanted to crawl up inside of Buffy, or at least stick his head up there.

For a little looly-loo, you see.

O_-
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stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)
Yes, I aim to please. Hee hee!! I've been needing a bad!fic fix for a while now...

*guffaws and chortles*
tx_cronopio
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:07 pm (UTC)
Nope, I've followed the links and I have read and I have seen the error of my ways. I, too, want me a "Cock of Horse."

Poor chiclet, what do you figure she is...14?
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
Or hasn't seen Equus yet...

Did you see the link to "Super Cum" above?

WOW. I haven't read that one in a while. It bears re-reading, it is so glorious in its awfulness.
lynnenne
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
Reading the comments is almost as much fun as the mocking of the bad!fic. But not quite.

CREAMY PUDDING! The latest flavor from JelloTM!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
*affects Bill Cosby voice*
Now ya see, with the kids getting crazy with the guns and the rap and the junk food, you gotta get 'em to eat the food with the good stuff and the kids'll go to school and be smart and stay off the drugs and then you feel better.

Give 'em creamy pudding. Tell 'em The Coz sent ya.
inlovewithnight
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.
Please tell me you have a link to this?

tree trunk cock
Owwwwww.

And yeah...she's obviously never actually seen a stallion. Or even a gelding, for that matter. Wow. I am awestruck.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC)
Or just an old Paint beating off in the pasture. *cringes*

The Buffy fic is linked in the badbuffyfic community about two posts back?? My internet is slooooow....
captainofidiots
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC)
Bwah! Oh, I love that you take notes while reading bad!fic. *snort* Paganbaby's writing has always, uh, freaked me out a little bit. There are some things no one wants to read about... ever.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:51 pm (UTC)
Dude. Get thee hence to my memories and read the other bad(Great!)fic posts there. Because therein lies a writer greater (more terrible) than us all....

Notes!! How else am I going to keep count of the word "frantically" and references to Spike's horse cock? HOW?!?

Hee hee!
somecandytalkin
Mar. 29th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
Thanks for taking one for the team, Miss Stoney...and for making me laugh...
All good, but this one got me the the hottest (with horse cock a second, because? mmMMmm....pretty.):
Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers. Wheee!
I clicked on one of the links above and can I just say the one word that caught my eye and blinded me with its hot, hot sexiness? Skull-fuck. I also noted that at one point they 'worked each other's equipment' (and are you wondering for how long? Well, I will tell you. For 10 minutes). It made me get all swolle up. Down there.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 07:25 pm (UTC)
Re: This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
I am so tingly in my naughty no-nos after reading that! Mmmmm.

I mean, have any of you ever SEEN (and I'm talking, up close and personal) a horse cock? Forget horse. What about a donkey? Before I edjicated mahsef, I thought a "donkey punch" was a reference to their cock.

And I have spun out of control in this comment. I will get to your fic soon, I swear it!!! It's been crazy today. CRAZY!!

*donkey punches self, which is amazing, really*
crayonbreakygal
Mar. 29th, 2005 06:37 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure which phrase made me roll my eyes more. And it does make me feel a little better about some of the scenes that I write.

I literally spewed tea at the laptop (thank goodness I missed), reading some of the little phrases she used in one paragraph. It makes sex seem kind of gross. 12 inches? WTF. Maybe she sips a little Jack while she writes. Could explain the word usage.

Now I have to go the link and be a lurky-loo. What have you done to us? Hehehehe.
crayonbreakygal
Mar. 29th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC)
OK, I traveled to the site. Uh, huh? I think that this person has never had sex in her life. That's my take. Or has a strange view of it. As a friend of mine in college used to say "It's not the size, but the magic it makes." I know, I know, my friend was a little crazy, kind of like Stoney. Why, oh, why didn't they have stuff like this when I was in college? We could have spent many a night doing what we are doing here now.
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julia_here
Mar. 29th, 2005 07:25 pm (UTC)
Spike has a horse cock. She likes to remind us of this fact. I think she's never seen a REAL horse cock, or she wouldn't be so cavalier with her word usage.

Either that or she is kinkier than... Catherine the Great?

Julia, that is deeply disturbing
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)
The most shocking moment of my adolescent years was helping my uncle feed the horses and walk into the pasture where his trusty ol' Paint was masturbating. My leetle virgin Mormon eyes were scarred for life. For LIFE!!

Okay, hon, we get it. You like 'em thick and large. Which tells me you have had eightteen children and have a "relaxed" stance.

And I've just bothered my own failing sensibilities.

Stoney, where being around livestock enough has taught me many things, some of which are people are jest tetched in the head to think the way they do.
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desoto_hia873
Mar. 29th, 2005 07:41 pm (UTC)
Oh dear God. That's almost enough to turn me off pr0n.

(Almost.)
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC)
Heh heh. Almost.

*leers at you, ya big perv*
:-D
amontillado
Mar. 29th, 2005 08:05 pm (UTC)

Ahh, good ole PaganBaby. The only author to actually make me physically scared of having sex after the reading of one of her stories. Gotta say though, I've always loved her in a special weird sort of way. A PaganBaby fic is like watching a porno - you know, the kind that contain things like 'golden showers' and farm girls being raped by horses.

Have you read Head of the Class? Gives new meaning to the word 'shame'. You'll love it. :D


http://www.spuffyfantasy.com/
cityphonelines
Mar. 29th, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
Ack! Head of the Class scarred me for life! And if you check her website there's a sequel!

*is conveniently overlooking the fact that this proves she has PaganBaby's site bookmarked*
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slackerace
Mar. 29th, 2005 08:20 pm (UTC)
marry me?
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2005 07:42 am (UTC)
dum dum de dum!
dum DUM de dum...

Does it bother you that I'm wearing a hot-pink latex mini-dress with belly flab cut-outs to marry you?
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kaydee23
Mar. 29th, 2005 08:38 pm (UTC)
When I was in college, I had this airhead roommate who used to brag brag brag about how *huge* her boyfriend's schlong was. She'd go on and on and on. I got so sick of hearing about it.

Anyway, it became a huge joke between my boyfriend and me. He'd show me a baseball bat, or an umbrella, or something, and I'd shriek, "Oh my god, no way, Kevin's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that." Then, we just got to where we'd say in front of anyone, especially people who didn't know what we were talking about, "Oh my god no, it's waaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that," or "oh no, he's waaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that." Everyone thought we were disgusting nuts, but my dumb roommate would just smile and laugh. She either didn't know, or didn't care that we were making fun of her.

These stories you shared sound like something she would have written at 18.

Thanks for sharing those links. They were all sooooooooooo hilarious. And Spike is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than that! And you could park a car inside Buffy now!
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
Ha ha ha!!! Spike IS waaaaaaaay bigger. When I was in my late teens, early 20s, I worked at a comedy club (where I was ruined. RUINED!!) and we had jokes about clits along the same line. Janelle, the resident dyke and one of the funniest people on the EARTH, and I would get trashed and joke along the same lines....

"Dude, my clit is so long I dip it in paint and run down the street to make the lane lines."

"Man, mine is so long I can snake a toilet."

I told you they ruined me.
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beadattitude
Mar. 29th, 2005 10:00 pm (UTC)
Well, that puts me off tapioca for like, ever again. ::sighs::

Bad!Fic on my birth-day! Tra la la la la! ::is happy::
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
I hope you had a good birthday!!

*is happy with you*
ex_dovil323
Mar. 29th, 2005 10:33 pm (UTC)
Poor Spike and his ever growing horse cock. No wonder he was always falling into open graves.

No one could write intentional bad!fic to be as funny as this stuff. And you are so funny that I can't wait to mooch off you in SF and we can scoff martinis and laugh at the little people. But laughing at dwarfs is wrong, so we'll stop and laugh at bad!fic writers instead. Because are we cooler than over sexed 14 year olds with crappy literary aspiration? Oh hell yeah we are!
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2005 07:45 am (UTC)
His private name at "Willy's" was Tripod. Ever wonder why the joint was called Willy's? Or if there were any requirements? WHy do you think Spike was still allowed in after starting to kill his own kind!

I CANNOT WAIT FOR SF!!!!
chantal87
Mar. 30th, 2005 04:03 am (UTC)
PagenBaby is one of my all time favorite. She wrote one fic where all the scoobies were porn stars. It was a thing of beauty.

Unfortunately I haven't had the time lately to read any bad!fic. One day I will. So....
Thank you! Thank you ! Thank you! Your synopses are much needed and appreciated.
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2005 07:46 am (UTC)
See, I know how busy you are, so I'm providing this service to give you a laugh without having to gouge your eyes out.
spikesbint
Mar. 30th, 2005 06:03 am (UTC)
# It's pleasurable when Spike's girth forces her "cuntlips" inward. No mention of chafing, pubic hairs being ripped out at their roots, dryness causing a sandpaper-esque sensation...

LMAO that one brought tears to my eyes for some reason ;)

Angela
stoney321
Mar. 30th, 2005 07:47 am (UTC)
It brough tears to my eyes, also, but not of laughter.

YEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHH.

Hee!!

*smooshes you and wishes you better health in April*
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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