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Things that make you go ewwwww

Alert reader zyrya sent me a link for a terrificly horrible fic, and as a public service, I like to read bad(great!)fic and give you the "gist" of the crap, er genius. My personal favorite bad!fic writer has taken great pains to simply become ho-hum, so this was a welcome sight. Not to say my bad!fic writer hasn't given me a few gems lately...


Passages I have actually read today:

  • After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES. That is one bendy girl, or a very large stack of pillows the author failed to mention.

  • "Her scent was on his face, his lips and tongue THREATENING to ruin his hopes of enjoying his smokes and whiskey." You know... the vag gets a bad rap, but THREATENING to ruin smoke? Come on, man! Ever smelled a full and old ashtray?

  • "She missed the forbidden sweaty loving..." 'Cause if Buffy is one thing for sure, it's an up-tight WASP. Forbidden?? Does she practice Islam? Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.

  • When Buffy thinks of Spike, she closes her eyes, opens her mouth and lets her tongue out to moisten her lower lip. OMG, do this! You get bonus points if you made a "guuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" sound.

  • Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

  • </li>


And from PaganBaby... (no offense hon, but then... you didn't give us the same disclaimer, did you now?)

  • While being cornholed on the dinner table, Buffy gets *wait for it...* CLAM sauce in her hair. Spike notices (with distaste). After coitus, Buffy seductively lounges on the bed and goes about her business. With clam sauce matted in her hair.

  • Spike has a 12 inch cock (and he gained an inch only this month!) and likes to suck it himself. Which (of course) turns Buffy on. And he shoots ropey wads, almost gags, and she takes over because his "CREAMY PUDDING" [emphasis mine] is such a Haagen-Daaz treat.

  • Buffy is always frantically getting her clothes off and getting into position. Zoloft seems in order, after seeing the word at least five times in one chapter...

  • Buffy yips and barks when excited. Lassie from Porkys, anyone?

  • It's pleasurable when Spike's girth forces her "cuntlips" inward. No mention of chafing, pubic hairs being ripped out at their roots, dryness causing a sandpaper-esque sensation...



Phrases that cause me to gag whilst eating an apple and skimming through this fic, and thereby commanding that they be recorded in list form:

  • tree trunk cock

  • spewing cock

  • voluminous cream

  • overfilled pussy

  • mouth watered when she felt the cum running out of her

  • SHOVED the mushroomed head into

  • savored white hot GOO that just kept coming and coming

  • she wanted all of his jism

  • she swallowed and swallowed, almost gagging a few times when a particularly forceful blast hit the back of her throat


That was all in one paragraph. And emphasis mine. Shoved? Mmm. Baby, get the shoe horn. And axle grease. I want that drainage pipe wedged up my box so I can feel true joy. 12 inches?!? Did she surgically have her uterus and spleen and pancreas and the majority of her lower intestines removed to enable him to fit her "like a glove?" Does that make anyone else picture OJ jamming his hand into the shrunken leather of Exhibit A?

Imma go lie down now.

[ETA] because I forgot to turn my paper over. Yes, I take notes.


  • After deep YOGA BREATHING, Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers.

  • Spike has a horse cock. She likes to remind us of this fact. I think she's never seen a REAL horse cock, or she wouldn't be so cavalier with her word usage.

  • he "fires off salvos into her" And the rocket's red glare!/ The clam sauce in her hair/ Gave proof that this hack/ Writes bad!fic with no care...


Comments

( 98 comments — Leave a comment )
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tx_cronopio
Mar. 29th, 2005 03:54 pm (UTC)
Creamy Pudding? Hey, I LIKE giving head, but that one phrase is enough to make me celibate for a long long time.

Excuse me while I go shudder.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
Dude, I had to go back and add some more. WOW.

This chick has a seriously specific kink. One that I do NOT share.
paynbow
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:01 pm (UTC)
After having good ol' missionary-position sex, Buffy has carpet burns on her spine, lower back (uh... redundant?) and KNEES.

Wow...that's SOME Missionary-position sex...what, was she kneeling and then she lay back while his enormous mushroom enchanted her forrest?

I think I've actually read that CREAMY PUDDING story. It rings a vague bell...and there is a story of Buffy as an Islamic teen? WHERE is this story and WHY have I not heard of it? Becuase FORBIDDEN love is such a rareity! And if it's sweaty? So much the better! :p

I think the moral of the story is never eat ANYTHING while reading bad!fic. I might have been put off apples for life...
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:31 pm (UTC)
Dude, I had to tack on a bit more. Go to badbuffyfic and it should be two or three posts back for the Islamic teen Buffy fic. It's HORRIBLE. And not in the fun way. No quotation marks to indicate speech, serious MarySue-ing...
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cityphonelines
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
cityphonelines
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC)
And of course that should say: I stumbled upon her and even bookmarked her SITE.

Comments need an edit button, fer real.
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mirasol
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:08 pm (UTC)
tree trunk cock? dwarf willow or sequioa?
mirasol
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
sequoia. damn.
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julissak01
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:10 pm (UTC)
Spike can catch a "wild buzz" off of Buffy's "juices" That's because the Buffster douches with Vag Daniels™! Helps keep your drunk-ass lover "coming" back for more!

::spits out her coffee all over her lap top screen::

Meanie! Guuh. Not the sexually excited kind of 'guh', but the guh that makes me want to tear my hair out and pull an Angel celibacy complex out of my ass.

Reading bad fic is also such an ego booster. When you think your writing sucks, take a load of the twelve inch cock of DOOM, and you're cool.




stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)
Which is EXACTLY why I love to read it.

*grins*
julia_here
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:25 pm (UTC)
It's at moments like this that I appreciate my autodelete brain function for truly bad fic.

The detail of the clamsauce in hair is particularly WTF- because, you know, if a merely mediocre writer has a character get something icky on their person, it's for purposes of setting up Hot! Shower! Sex!, not to just gross the reader out for the moment and then be forgotten...

Julia, failing spectacularly in finishing Chapter 20, even though I know it just needs to go to the point where everyone's half way through the action or it'll run three times as long as usual
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
Ooh! And I saw you posted a new chapter today! Will add to my printed pile, as I was unable to read as much as I wanted on my trip...

And as to the clam sauce in her hair: she made a huge point in writing about Spike noticing it to what? Forget and move on to them remarking on their love for each other?

Oh! The end of the chapter indicates that Spike is not yet 18 in her fic. Which is just weird to me.
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stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC)
Vag Daniels™ is in the personal hygiene aisle of your local liquor store, Sue! Duh.

Next to the Bailey's Nipple-Soak™ and Cream of Cum™.

It's like you've never bought it, or something.
*boggles*
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radia
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:35 pm (UTC)
Oh god, PaganBaby. I remember reading one of her fics where Spike had a fourteen inch cock, and started spouting off like, gallons of "white, ropy cum."

Now I have a permamently disturbing mental image of him as the most unconventional Spiderman EVAR. Maybe I'll rewrite the themesong to fit our new cum-slinging hero!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
AHHHHH!!!

SPIDERMAN!!
*laughs uproariously*
*watches MrMonkeybottoms' Spiderman vid with newly awakened eyes*

I have skipped over her in the past... I just... It's that... Okay. I just got back from visiting my friend at a horse farm, and let's just say REAL horse cocks are FRIGHTENING and gross. Just... not a personal kink. And ropey come is funky, you know? Blech.
zyrya
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, the pain! The pain!

I can't think of anything less appealing than being "split" by anyone's "massive tool" for hours on end. Oh, no wait, I can ... being tool-split while lying in a bowl of clam sauce.

::shudders::
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC)
It's a close second to my personal (it's like she writes the stories for meeee) bad!fic writer who had Spike muse that he wanted to crawl up inside of Buffy, or at least stick his head up there.

For a little looly-loo, you see.

O_-
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stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)
Yes, I aim to please. Hee hee!! I've been needing a bad!fic fix for a while now...

*guffaws and chortles*
tx_cronopio
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:07 pm (UTC)
Nope, I've followed the links and I have read and I have seen the error of my ways. I, too, want me a "Cock of Horse."

Poor chiclet, what do you figure she is...14?
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC)
Or hasn't seen Equus yet...

Did you see the link to "Super Cum" above?

WOW. I haven't read that one in a while. It bears re-reading, it is so glorious in its awfulness.
lynnenne
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
Reading the comments is almost as much fun as the mocking of the bad!fic. But not quite.

CREAMY PUDDING! The latest flavor from JelloTM!
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
*affects Bill Cosby voice*
Now ya see, with the kids getting crazy with the guns and the rap and the junk food, you gotta get 'em to eat the food with the good stuff and the kids'll go to school and be smart and stay off the drugs and then you feel better.

Give 'em creamy pudding. Tell 'em The Coz sent ya.
inlovewithnight
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
Those who have read the Buffy as a NJ Islamic teenager know the answer to that question.
Please tell me you have a link to this?

tree trunk cock
Owwwwww.

And yeah...she's obviously never actually seen a stallion. Or even a gelding, for that matter. Wow. I am awestruck.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC)
Or just an old Paint beating off in the pasture. *cringes*

The Buffy fic is linked in the badbuffyfic community about two posts back?? My internet is slooooow....
captainofidiots
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC)
Bwah! Oh, I love that you take notes while reading bad!fic. *snort* Paganbaby's writing has always, uh, freaked me out a little bit. There are some things no one wants to read about... ever.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 05:51 pm (UTC)
Dude. Get thee hence to my memories and read the other bad(Great!)fic posts there. Because therein lies a writer greater (more terrible) than us all....

Notes!! How else am I going to keep count of the word "frantically" and references to Spike's horse cock? HOW?!?

Hee hee!
somecandytalkin
Mar. 29th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
Thanks for taking one for the team, Miss Stoney...and for making me laugh...
All good, but this one got me the the hottest (with horse cock a second, because? mmMMmm....pretty.):
Spike can "hunch over, grab his knees and fit his dick (which comes mid-way up his chest, she mentions) into his mouth. While Buffy "hungrily" licks its "root." And he can DEEP THROAT it. This is one seriously specific kink of hers. Wheee!
I clicked on one of the links above and can I just say the one word that caught my eye and blinded me with its hot, hot sexiness? Skull-fuck. I also noted that at one point they 'worked each other's equipment' (and are you wondering for how long? Well, I will tell you. For 10 minutes). It made me get all swolle up. Down there.
stoney321
Mar. 29th, 2005 07:25 pm (UTC)
Re: This just in: Boys Like Nipple Stuff
I am so tingly in my naughty no-nos after reading that! Mmmmm.

I mean, have any of you ever SEEN (and I'm talking, up close and personal) a horse cock? Forget horse. What about a donkey? Before I edjicated mahsef, I thought a "donkey punch" was a reference to their cock.

And I have spun out of control in this comment. I will get to your fic soon, I swear it!!! It's been crazy today. CRAZY!!

*donkey punches self, which is amazing, really*
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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