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Buffy felt the doctor insert the cold duck bill into her vagina.

*blink*
*blinkblink*

Ah, my fave Bad!Fic writer is back. Current fic is a love story about an abortion. I am not making this up. Spike, the woobie that he is, buys her matressespads, helps her pee, and feeds her a "grill" cheese sandwich. However, he did let Buffy pay the $500 dollar PSAabortion fee.

Random Jossverse droppings:

  • Non-fave person her BFF? Check (Anya- who tells her step by step what an abortion is. Aww!)

  • Blooming onion? check

  • Casting of ALL characters in non-con random roles and without any irony? check

  • Use of the made-up word "bullocks?" check

  • Insertion of most random one-shot character ever? check (Gwendolyn Price as the abortionist. Not the beaver, but she who treats it)


Today truly is the greatest day. I love my flist hard, and thank you all again for your kind words and love. Back at ya. Who loves you, baby? [/Kojak]

Comments

( 47 comments — Leave a comment )
crayonbreakygal
May. 24th, 2005 07:57 pm (UTC)
WTF? Ever have one of those things shoved up you, hon? Makes you wonder about her. Even I'm crossing my legs right now. Now I know how guys feel.
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:00 pm (UTC)
I was clicking through something and saw "doctor" and "cold duck bill" and "vagina."

WOW.

And WTF is up with PSAs in fic? I HATE THAT SO MUCH. Unless I mock it, then I LOVE it. (Say, the mention of getting checked for prostate cancer in the Wee!Spike series. NOT SO FUNNY NOW, IS IT? HA ha ha ha!)

Seriously. I want to cage this girl and make her write bad!fic just for me.
xtrustno1x
May. 24th, 2005 08:16 pm (UTC)
You know...

I read that thinking "Why in the hell is he shoving a DUCK up her vagina?!...I mean...the feathers!..."
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:44 pm (UTC)
Which was my goal....

kink = a feather
kinky = the whole damn duck

Hee hee!
xtrustno1x
May. 24th, 2005 08:55 pm (UTC)
*giggles*

See...I'm really slow tonight....*shakes head*

hellespont
May. 24th, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC)
Bullocks is so a real word! It is the plural of bullock, which refers to a young or castrated bull. Now, I can't imagine why one of these would be appearing in a Buffy story, much less why Spike seems to invoke them when he's frustrated or getting fried by an amulet, but some things man was simply not meant to understand.
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:46 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes, I know about bullocks (but I'm guessing our author DOESN'T know) In fact, someone around here has an icon pointing out the difference...

I should clarify that line to read "the made up swear word for the English man." HEEE!

One thing I do know: she is the greatest gift to fandom in the history of... fandom. COme on: cream of cum? Vagina muscles snapping like a pissed off aligator? Glorious.
slackerace
May. 24th, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC)
i lurve you so hard!

i lurve teh baaaad fic too. it'z teh funnie!

Serously, these writers are on crack, I do believe. Oh, I know, Buffy (I typed that Butty and then had to change it) is a Mary Sue. The author is hung up on the abortion "she" had and is transferring to the jossverse. She gets it off her chest and we get bad!fic to mock. it's a win win situation!!
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC)
Yis, yis, 'tis true. And she is a HUGE MarySue, which is just awesome. Because her Buffy is so obsessed with smells, it kills me. (psst: smelling is the fourth wall in fiction, did you know?)

I am so pleased to find this. So, so happy. I mean, he HELPS HER PEE? And I QUOTE?
violethamster
May. 24th, 2005 08:40 pm (UTC)
Gwendolyn Price as the abortionist.

Was that the evil Watcher lady? Does she use the Glove of Whatever it was to perform the procedure? Now that would be even more uncomfortable than a duck.
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:50 pm (UTC)
YES!!! *dingdingdingding* Give her a prize. You, that is, not my bad!fic writer who FAILED to use the gorgeous Glove of Whoziwhatzit to extract the fetoid from the womb matter.

Well, shit. Now I need to write a parody fic. Of a completely un-ironic tale of ABORTION and boyfriends who DON'T pay, but help the girl pee. And make her tomato soup and grill (sic) cheese sandwiches.

*quacks like a duck*
Pardon me. *shifts uncomfortably in my chair*
funkparadise
May. 24th, 2005 08:41 pm (UTC)
Bwah.

I was going to beg for a link, but on second thought...
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:51 pm (UTC)
Save yourself and just troll my memories under Bad!Fic. I do all the work and save you the eye bleeding.

Hee!
spikendru
May. 25th, 2005 01:28 pm (UTC)
I must have the link! Hee! Not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but damn! I need to know what happened to the duck! *g*
beadattitude
May. 24th, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC)
::offers lollipop::

Um, I've never heard of any avian species used as an GYN aid.

On another note, we had a school nurse that would slip a girl the cold speculum every time. And then there was my ancient OB/GYN whose nurse knit booties for the stirrups so your feet didn't get cold, and she did this wicked elaborate drape so that you didn't feel like your ass was hanging on a platter. So cool.

Okay. The grill cheese sandwich is easy - he's giving her iron.


stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC)
Seriously. I mean, if you are going to open your vag to spot your cervix, you'd at LEAST go for the tried and true goat horn. Am I right? Duck bill. Pah.

And combined with the tomato soup (seriously. It's like she wrote up a page from her journal), we're talking some good post-abortion nutrition here. Now if she could just convince that cad to pony up some cash...
beadattitude
May. 24th, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
What? She's pregnant by a Pony??? Will she stop at nothing??

I shouldn't say that so loud; she might hear.
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
*falls over laughing*
likeadeuce
May. 24th, 2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
do I want to know who the father was?
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 09:42 pm (UTC)
Look at your icon. She's Spuffy and nothing but. (NOt that there's anything wrong with Spuffy, it's just the AU MarySueing that is so, so heinous.)
zyrya
May. 24th, 2005 09:15 pm (UTC)
Cold duck bill? Wow. I'm glad my gynaecological escapades have never involved anything so fowl.

::gets chased around the house::

Is it just me, or is Ms Badfic getting really boring? She's fun for the short haul, with the dirty mattresses and the slutty tradesmen, but this WIP isn't bad enough to be funny. ::sad::
stoney321
May. 24th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC)
BWAH! *ba dum bum CHING*

She's TERRIBLE. And by terrible I mean boring. After all the advice to work on her writing, she friggin' DID. Stupid, stupid people. Now we rarely get gems from the days of yore.

She's gone from being craptacular to just crappy. I mean, what's the POINT of writing this fic? So you can work through your own grief? Okay, so write about YOURSELF and quit making my barbies do weird things.

I miss things like "cinnamon bun scented vagina" and "she-juice."
*mourns*
ex_dovil323
May. 24th, 2005 09:51 pm (UTC)
*reels back in horror* Holy crap. Well good to see that she's tackling serious issues in such a delicate and sensitive manner. And helping Buffy pee? Dear god, I wonder if they're in cahoots with my bad!fic writer?

He's such a sensitive feminist is our Spike, buying pads, not deemining her by letting her pay for her own abortion. It's so sweet. I think as soon as she gets done with the duck up her aligator snaping vagina that she go out for a milkshake and rut in the backseat of the car. Hey, maybe Buffy can get a multi visit discount card?

If only Spike hadn't stuck a bloomin onion ring on his knob thinking it had contraceptive properties.

(I hug you again, but really we know it's an excuse for a grope)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:33 am (UTC)
If only the writer hadn't made it very clear that Buffy couldn't have ANYTHING INSERTED IN HER VAGINA FOR FOUR TO SIX WEEKS,[/end quote] I'm sure they'd be bumping uglies immediately after the "procedure" to declare their true love. Their true love of SCRAMBLING BABY BRAINS, OMG.

And I've realized that all this piss from Spike? His WATER HAS BROKEN! Won't someone get that gay vampire to the maternity ward, stat??

*fondles your ankles in a highly innappropriate manner*
mirasol
May. 25th, 2005 12:58 am (UTC)
"Those cows have walked through the house again." "Awww, bullocks!" "No, cows, I said."

Don't you just love the way English doesn't translate into, ummm, English?

My favourite one, however, is reading Giles telling Xander "Well, gosh, you're just so spunky."

OMG, that's just so wrong in so many ways. Unless he means Xander is a twinkie and full of creamy goodness. Bad, bad, old man!

Who loves you, baby? We loves you!
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:34 am (UTC)
I loves ya, toots!!

"Spunky?" Which makes me think of punky, which just leads my brain to thoughts of dirty nappies in a full trash can.

WRONG. People should try to read their fics aloud. To complete strangers. For my amusement.
chantal87
May. 25th, 2005 05:11 am (UTC)
Damn, I think I missed this one. It doesn't sound familiar. Is this the fic where she spells Touché Two shay? I swear to the heavens above she did.
I love her so hard! Her bad fic continues to stun and amaze me. She should win an award.
I'm just sayin'......
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:36 am (UTC)
I have to admit, I'm not keeping up with her. She's just becoming an uninteresting writer, instead of the fantastically horrendous writer of yore.

*lights candle*

Oh, how I long for the good old days of "orgasms like standing ovations" and a dick "seating itself in her audience."

Good times.
chantal87
May. 25th, 2005 06:31 am (UTC)
I have to admit, I'm not keeping up with her
I haven't either. I don't have time to read really good fic much less the crap she spews out.
Back in the day she was a classic.
Bless her heart. :)
yin_again
May. 25th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
AFLAC!

I'm so sorry.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 06:21 am (UTC)
BWAH HA HA HA!!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 10:25 am (UTC)
HEEE!!

*snuggles you*

And I love, love, love that icon.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 10:27 am (UTC)
COLD??! Cold? has the apocolypse heat left your neck of the woods? Granted, it's cooler here today than yesterday, but 10 degrees from hotter'n hell isn't cooling me off that much.

(A/C? You wearing a cute mini skirt and a T or something?)
*rubs your arms*

I'm cleaning and sorting and organizing and burning (CDs) to get ready for you in a few days!! A FEW DAYS!! I am so, so happy to hang with my friends. Wheeeeee!

I'm working on something to pep yuh up. Keep watching...
mpoetess
May. 25th, 2005 12:43 pm (UTC)
What about dovil's chick with the Spike-taking-the-piss-with-Fred-but-not-in-the-English-way? What's she up to?

Being vewwy vewwy quiet, sadly. Though she's recently posted such promising challenges as "name a scene and a pairing and I'll re-write the scene to replace the canon couple with your chosen pairing" so I suppose there's hope for the future.

That's another classic who's gone mostly silent. :( Ah for the days of Andrew explaining to Spike that the prostate is the male g-spot.
(Deleted comment)
mpoetess
May. 26th, 2005 07:02 am (UTC)
*g* You've got mail.
sp23
May. 25th, 2005 09:30 am (UTC)
Eeek!
Buffy felt the doctor insert the cold duck bill into her vagina

My god, Stoney. Here I was innocently trolling lj, wasting valuable work-time in the time-honored tradition of all civil servants, and I see this. ::points up::

It frightened me so much, I immediately went back to work!

::glowers::

But why was the doctor shoving the bar tab for a bottle of sparkling wine up Buffy's hoo-hoo?
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 10:28 am (UTC)
Re: Eeek!
HA HA HA!! "Hoo-hoo."

We call it either a "hooey" or "nani" in my family. *cracks up*

WHATEVER YOU DO: do not go to my memories and troll the Bad!Fic listed there. It's FAR better than today's edition.
sp23
May. 25th, 2005 10:34 am (UTC)
Re: Eeek!
Ha. So, I'm NOT to go to your memories and read the Bad!Fic there? Of course, you know that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do now. ;P
kaydee23
May. 25th, 2005 11:06 am (UTC)
Please email the link to this story. I have to read it. I have to. I hate it when the doctor puts cold duck bills up inside me, I really do. I also hate anyone putting bottles of cold duck up inside me too.
avidrdr23@aol.com.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 11:26 am (UTC)
Keep in mind that her bad!(great)fic seems to be no more. This is just... well, bad.

http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/story.php?no=544172924
mskakaako
May. 25th, 2005 08:50 pm (UTC)
HAHAH! It took me a moment or three to figure out what 'duckbill' was, but I got it. She meant that metal thingee that the doctor uses for paps and stuff. THIS WRITER IS A GENIUS! Hereafter, I will insist that my doctor calls this implement a 'duckbill' and quack as she looks me over.
SO AWESOME!

paynbow
May. 26th, 2005 10:54 am (UTC)
Hee! That girl never fails to amuse me. Never. She also never fails to amaze me at the level to which the english language is capable of being pulled apart and made to dance a sadistic little dance of pain...

Duck bill...well, your lesser known abortionists will also sink to animal cruelty, cause abortion is WRONG!
scymnus
Jun. 19th, 2006 05:08 am (UTC)
Eww!
toadally yucky, but strangely entertaining!
Bwahaaha!

scymnus
stoney321
Jun. 19th, 2006 02:09 pm (UTC)
Re: Eww!
It *is* totally yucky, I know! Just... WHY???

Glad I got you to laugh - that's the whole point! :D
( 47 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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