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See Stoney Spam. Spam, Stoney, Spam!

I'm all energetic and spazzy today, and got to thinking about PSAs in fic. And how I *HATE* that. You know, you're reading a pretty decent story, then all of a sudden, the writer decides to make sure you know our make-believe vampires practice safe-sex. Or, like my bad!fic from yesterday, give you blow by blow details about an abortion and that is just PERFECT for a Buffy story.

As elcazavampiros once said, if a vampire can fall from a 30 story building, get up, and run away, he's not needing the ease of lube. Seriously. Just tell your frickin' story, without jolting me out. Unless the act of lubing up (or WHATEVER) is hot. Or fits.

And this got me to thinking about PSAs in the first place. How they are now punishments for celebrities with DUIs. And that cracks me up. So, what if we cast some real PSAs with Joss' characters who are bad? (For those not familiar with the concept, PSAs are Public Service Announcements. You'll catch on.)


PSA #1: A Parent's Example
Angel stands in the doorway, a cold shiver washes down his spine. His feet are like lead. His son is crouched over a slumping form, a form Angel is all too familiar with: the dead body of a young girl. Connor hears a noise behind him and turns, revealing the splatters of blood on his face, his shirt, his hands. Angel blinks then crosses the room, grabs his son and begins to drag him away and out.

"Connor! What- How could- Where did you learn to do this?"

Connor squinches up his face with rage, hurt, and teen angst and sputters, "From you!! I learned it from you!"

Parents, be careful of the example you set for your children. They are watching you. As well as millions of viewers, I might add. If you kill virgins and nuns, don't be surprised if your children follow in your footsteps.


PSA #2: A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
"Janice is so lame. She totally stopped skipping school with me because her study hall teacher found out and she's all scared of Mr. Turner telling her mom. Whatever. I so don't care about Buffy finding out. What? Like she has any room to complain. She totally skipped school, like, all the time."

"Dawn, that's because she was out saving the world. Are you saving the world? More like getting your kicks."

"Please. Like you even care if I get an education? Hey. You didn't finish that story from last night. About the Italian soccer team? I bet they were hot."

"Well, I wouldn't know about that -" (eyeroll) "- although Dru wanted to turn a few. I suspect she fancied them and their powerful, lean legs."

(cough)

"What? Vampire. I prefer a healthy body over some fat sot. Taste better. Now, what I really liked to sink my teeth into was the smart ones. Rip off their heads, split their skull, feast on some nice grey matter. 'Feasting on knowledge.' Did pretty well with my schooling, now that I think of it. Dru, though... She just liked the pretty ones. The young ones. Never did split their skulls. Tried to tell her... That's like getting a fine bottle of wine and dumping it all over the ground. Terrible waste."

"Spike? Are you trying to teach my sister that a mind is a terrible thing to waste in the most disgusting manner EVER? Dawn? Get your butt in school, or you'll-"

"Find out what Slayer strength really is, yeah, yeah. I'm going, jeez."

"Okay, she's gone. Get your pants off."



PSA #3: The More You Know...
Hi. I'm Darla. You might recognize me from such slaughters as the Bloody Massacre at the House of Bath in 1743, or from the Boxer Rebellion, where I feasted on an entire orphange. Needy kids, just like these here. (Darla sits down, pulls one of the children into her lap, strokes its hair)

There are hundreds of thousands of these kids all over the world. Children without parents, without homes, without hope. Most of these children will die. They starve, they are abducted, or (shrugs) just go missing. All they need is a place to call home with a family to love them. You can help. Contact your local adoption center if you are interested in helping these children live another day.

And remember: The more you know... (snaps the childs neck, vamps out) The more you don't care.


PSA #4: Be a Blood Donor
(We see a handsome, dark-haired man walking along a dark street, an ambulance's lights flickering in the dark. Xander walks towards the camera)

Did you know that every two seconds someone in the United States needs blood? Our nation's stores are almost depleted. If you are healthy, disease free, you could be a donor. All it takes is a few minutes of your day, but those minutes and that gift could save a life.

Be a donor. One day, it could be you who needs blood one day.

(Spike looks up, vamped out, blood bags pilfered from the ambulance in his fists, blood dripping down his face) Too right, mate. More blood 's what's needed. Looks like today is my day. Tell 'em, Percy.

Spike? Could we not do this? HEY!


PSA #5; Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires
The flames flicker, dancing on the backs of the giant trees. Furry little puppies scamper, their coats singed. The hart wants to save its baby, but it flees before the roaring, roaring, ROARING of the flames. Snap, crackle, POP!

It's beautiful.

Spike? I'm hungry again. Can I eat the cameraman now? He looks awful tasty. Like a plump, roasted pig.


PSA #6: Be a Mentor
So, what? Go now? Hey. I'm Faith. So like, there are kids who are all jacked up because they don't have anyone cracking skulls at home, you know? And some of them are weak and can't figure some shit out. And, uh, you should look into helping some of these punks so I don't have to go behind them and save their dumb asses because no grownup gave them the sense to not wander the streets at night. God. IDIOTS.

Some people just shouldn't breed, you know? Oh, right. Yeah, call your local chapter of "Big Brother" or "Big Sister," or whatever the hell they are called and help one of these kids not be so goddamned stupid. WHAT? I said what you wanted me to say, god.

Pffft. I'm audi.


[ETA]
PSA#7: Reading is Fundamental


Oh, hello! Rupert Giles, resident librarian at Sunnydale High School. For so many of us, reading is a way for us to escape the rigors of life, or to open and expand our minds to the world unknown.

(Sound of sucking in air and giggling)

As I was saying, books, and losing oneself in them, can bring such pleasure to a person's life. But there are children who haven't been taught to read. Yes, appalling, I know.

(A giggling voice affecting a British accent) Yes. Rather. Indubitably.

(A bit louder) Reading is fundamental. Teach a child to read, and you may very well save their life.

(a *pffft* can be heard) Buffy? You were given every opportuntity and you turned it down. Now hush up.

Giles? Honey? That was me. You kids want to go check out the Magic Box?

Jenny?!

More, continued h e r e

Comments

( 80 comments — Leave a comment )
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Re: I Said Goddamn! - stoney321 - May. 25th, 2005 11:16 am (UTC) - Expand
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Re: I Said Goddamn! - stoney321 - May. 25th, 2005 12:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
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... - stoney321 - May. 25th, 2005 12:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: I Said Goddamn! - likeadeuce - May. 25th, 2005 12:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: I Said Goddamn! - honorh - May. 25th, 2005 04:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: I Said Goddamn! - stoney321 - May. 25th, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
xtrustno1x
May. 25th, 2005 11:17 am (UTC)
So like, there are kids who are all jacked up because they don't have anyone cracking skulls at home, you know? And some of them are weak and can't figure some shit out.

You so just made my day. ;)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 11:29 am (UTC)
Heh. That's my job.
dlgood
May. 25th, 2005 11:18 am (UTC)
This is Stoney's Brain on Joss
"From you!! I learned it from you!"

This is my favorite PSA of all time.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
Re: This is Stoney's Brain on Joss
Hands down, mine, too. If you get a chance, look up in my comments to CrazydiamondSue regarding that particular PSA.

I love it. So overwrought... The father overcome with grief that his pot smoking has ended the WORLD as he knew it. *sob*
Re: This is Stoney's Brain on Joss - dlgood - May. 25th, 2005 11:30 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: This is Stoney's Brain on Joss - stoney321 - May. 25th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
heathervamped
May. 25th, 2005 11:23 am (UTC)
I'm learning to love the Stoney spam. These are all so brilliant I can't pick a favorite. I think your bad!fic posts are the most important public service of them all! :)

stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 11:29 am (UTC)
Love the Stoney Spam! Yes! Hee hee!
julia_here
May. 25th, 2005 11:33 am (UTC)
Mighty fine brain you got there Miss Stoney.

Best get it out of the way before the other zombies get here.

Julia, laughing, leaving trail of crumbs for others to follow, et'c
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC)
Heh heh.

*puts on foil hat to escape zombies*
sangueuk
May. 25th, 2005 11:37 am (UTC)
I loved these - with a special kinda lurve for Spike and Xan :::sighs:::
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:02 pm (UTC)
HEE! "I'm not gay, but my asshole is."
I keep expecting your icon to say THAT.
entrenous88
May. 25th, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
I can picture the Darla one without any pause -- hee!
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:03 pm (UTC)
That is def. my favorite one. Her high, lulling voice...

Heh.
yin_again
May. 25th, 2005 11:47 am (UTC)
WILLOW steps out of the werckage of the Magic Box.

"You know, I used to be a mousy little thing. (She morphs into S1 Willow) Never had fun, never got laid, mooned over my moronic best friend. But, hey - I got better. (Morphs into Dark!Willow) I got my shit together. I found a mentor, someone who took me under his wing and taught me about the occult and demons and magic. I learned a lot from him, and then I kicked his pasty librarian ass. Some people say magic is like crack and I've gone too far. Well, fuck them."

::television bursts into flames::
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:04 pm (UTC)
BWAH!! HA ha ha ha!
poshcat
May. 25th, 2005 11:48 am (UTC)
>>"Okay, she's gone. Get your pants off."

Heeeeee. Perfect. Tell 'em, Percy.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:03 pm (UTC)
Hee hee. POSH!! *smooches you*
likeadeuce
May. 25th, 2005 12:43 pm (UTC)
hahahahaha!

this is brilliant. I need to come up with a Wesley ad for gun control or babystealing or something. hmmm.

I think the Faith is my favorite.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:53 pm (UTC)
Hee!! Figured.

There should be one of the Mayor imploring kids to stay in school.
funkparadise
May. 25th, 2005 12:52 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. Gawd.

The Angel and Connor one?? Hands down is the Funniest. Shit. Ever.

Wait...wait no. The Darla as Sally Struthers PSA! They starve, they are abducted, or (shrugs) just go missing. Bwah.

No...no...The Faith one. The Faith one.

Damn, they're all good.

I love you so hard now.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 12:54 pm (UTC)
*endures the crippling chafing from the intensity of your love*

Hee hee!
... - winterlive - May. 27th, 2005 10:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - winterlive - May. 28th, 2005 11:24 am (UTC) - Expand
elcazavampiros
May. 25th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
I think I liked the Faith one best.

Maybe the mayor would make one about being a mentor.

Loved all of them.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC)
Heh heh.

I'm looking for Darth Vader stickers for you. Wheee!! (Email me when you get the chance to let me know where I'm picking up you and Sue)
kaydee23
May. 25th, 2005 01:14 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelarious!
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Heeeeeee.
serenelystrange
May. 25th, 2005 01:20 pm (UTC)
Lol, that was great, :)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
10Q!
suicidesmile
May. 25th, 2005 01:25 pm (UTC)
Loving PSA #5 :)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
Ha! I love me some Dru, to be sure.

(Thanks, BTW!)
winterlive
May. 25th, 2005 02:01 pm (UTC)
HI! Have I mentioned lately that you ROCK? I luff you so. *adore*

*spazzes like a spazzing THING!!!!!!!!!*
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
*ties you up*

I love me some Winter!!!

*fistheart*

*buys you sparklies and salty snacks o'goodness*
... - winterlive - May. 25th, 2005 03:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
somecandytalkin
May. 25th, 2005 02:01 pm (UTC)
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha X Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Stoney, those were terrific! May you be energetic and spazzy every. single. day.

Wait... I see Spuffy, see Spander. Where's teh Spange?

And yo, ya got mad Faith voice skillz.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:16 pm (UTC)
Re: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha X Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
I can't wait to see you this weekend!! Have you decided to spend the night Sunday? HAVE YOU??? OMG, come! Sunday fun stuff commences post 2pm. COME COME!!
smashsc
May. 25th, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC)
And remember: The more you know... (snaps the childs neck, vamps out) The more you don't care.

I love you. So very funny.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 03:16 pm (UTC)
Can't wait to see you on Sunday!!!!
... - smashsc - May. 25th, 2005 03:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
viciouswishes
May. 25th, 2005 03:29 pm (UTC)
So is it bad that I have Angel and Spike arguing over British colonialism in The Secret Garden and the merits of reading it to children?

But yeah, I don't think I've ever read a fic with PSAs in them. Possibly because they were bad to start out with, so I was able to stop.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
If you've read a fic with a detailed account of either: safe sex, gratuitous mention of lube, health facts... You've read a PSA fic.
_sharvie_
May. 25th, 2005 04:00 pm (UTC)
*giggle-snort* These are hysterical! I love the Faith one. "I'm audi." Bwaahaaa!
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:43 pm (UTC)
Hee!! 10Q. Did a Mayor themed one here.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:43 pm (UTC)
HEE!! Yes, it's Dru. Wrote another one with the Mayor after some poking.

Darla! That's my favorite.
_divya_
May. 25th, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
Heeeee. You're a mad genius.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)
*evil cackles from me*
Did another one... With the Mayor, natch. Ha ha ha!
auroramama
May. 25th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
I am tipsily in love with you. Eventually I'll stop giggling, get some oxygen to my brain, and sober up. But not just yet.
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 06:51 pm (UTC)
Hee! You iz drunk on mah loooooove.

10Q!
hellziggy
May. 25th, 2005 06:35 pm (UTC)
Brilliant!

I think I like the Connor/Angel one best: "From you!! I learned it from you!"
stoney321
May. 25th, 2005 06:51 pm (UTC)
Hee!! Thanks. I love anything with Angel and COnnor, personally.

(That was my favorite mockabilly PSA, man.)
mskakaako
May. 25th, 2005 08:57 pm (UTC)
Some people just shouldn't breed, you know?

Dude, Faith is SMART!
Even though she doesn't know what an Achille's Heel is.
This PSA needs to be made. *sigh*
stoney321
May. 26th, 2005 05:39 am (UTC)
Heee!! Some people SHOULDN'T. *cough*wonky kid in your class*cough*
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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